blah, blah, blog

There's been a fair amount of discussion in The Cage (and subsequent maligning) of "insta doms" (and the corresponding "insta subs").  

To me, both are mostly evidence of ignorance and immaturity, not outright asshatery... though it usually seems to present as such, eh? lol

i have a theory that minority populations, like BDSM, can be slower to evolve in some areas (maybe faster in others?) because they/we have more barriers to overcome? 

i can trace my sub nature back to childhood, as young as 5. i had my first crush on a guy at 7.  In retrospect, i can see his dom nature and my sub nature interacting even in our immaturity and ignorance.  i can see many dom interactions throughout  my childhood, many were bullies.

As an adult, i still encounter bullies in the form of "instadoms,' but i have come to view those people as ignorant and immature. i think many are legitimately "dom" (or same with insta subs) in nature, but just ill informed and/or immature.  Kind of like the school yard kid who kicks or hits the 'object' of their affection because they do not understand their feelings or how to express them in a way that connects them with the kind of person they want/need. 

i think communities like this can be immensely helpful. We discuss, read and learn together and grow in our understanding of who and how we are and who and how those we want and need are. 

Meanwhile, it helps me to consider this stuff when an insta dom steps up and kicks me in the school yard. There is hope that he will wander into a class room after recess and learn how to develop and express who he (she) is and eventually find and provide fulfillment.

So it has been dubbed. Supposedly the male 'g spot?"  i've bought several prostate massagers and have usually been disappointed on several levels. i'm a total bottom and have been my whole life, so i am not a beginner and it seems most of these things are made for 'beginners.'  But i recently found one that has some length and girth and thought, okay, let's give it a try. 

i buy 'toys' (they are not really toys to me, they are serious and i really want them to be an extension of my Top/Dom mate, so i buy the in a fit of fantasy. They are also about half physical for me and half psychological. Maybe even more psychological?  

For me, my ideal is a Top/Dom who treats my penis totally differently from His cock. i really connect when He views it sort of like a woman's clitoris ("like", not talking 'fem' or trans person here, i am neither), just speaking "different."  The big difference is, as a bottom, i see myself as being penetrated, but never penetrating. To me, Tops/Doms create (pro-create?) but molding, possessing, putting a part of Their self in or signature on their bottom/sub. my need is as a receptacle of sorts.  So, i feel very affirmed when a Top/Dom just naturally treats my penis as different from HIs cock, and there are lots of variations on that that i have experienced... every Top/Dom is a little different.  

Which brings me back to my "p spot."  For me, when a Top/Dom not only knows about that, but it is His only real interest when it comes to my sexuality, i again feel deeply aroused and affirmed. Psychologically, there is a sense that the only way He wants/needs to touch me sexually is internally, by probing and manipulating me internally to get the result He wants and i need and want as well. 

So, a prostate plug/massager, for me, becomes a conditioning/training tool. If my penis is treated differently and the focus becomes internal, the massager/plug becomes a way of focusing that part of me... or could. The problem for me has been how ineffective the ones i have tried are... but it seems like this one comes really close to being a potential focusing/training tool. i tried it lying down, not really much there. But then i imagined going to a restaurant with my Mate and Him inserting it into me before we go (it has a remote control) And... okay, i can see how this would work... it's pretty damned distracting lol. Now all i need is a Top/Dom to associate it with, but it's good to know of the possibilities.

Ideally, i'd love to be conditioned to orgasm from only my Top/Doms internal stimulation or manipulation of me. For me, there is something deeply psychologically appealing about being dependent on Him touching me internally and having control over my pleasure in that way. 

The p spot makes sense to me on so many levels. 

i'm in the middle of my workweek. Critical care nurse, 13 hour shifts. three days on, one off (off today), three more on starting tomorrow, then off for seven days. i've had this schedule 7 years and sometimes question my sanity... but that is not what this is about.

After three days of work, i tend to be a little hornier than usual, so my thoughts (and feelings) turn to sex. i sometimes feel a little on the outside here because, for me, the D/s dynamic is more of a sexual thing. i am attracted to the psychological side of sex along with the physical, so when i say "sexual" it probably infiltrates other areas that are not traditionally considered "sexual?"  i have a decided kinky side, so i get turned on by more than a few things that are not traditionally "sexual."  But stuff like washing dishes or assigned tasks doesn't really touch me... maybe i just have never experienced that properly?

 i cook, clean, do laundry, the dishes... and none of it makes me feel "sub" or sexy.  For awhile, i kept getting approached by guys who wanted me to worship their feet. That didn't find a place in me either. i do self describe in my profile as "total bottom... with some sub."  i have definitely experienced the sub side of myself, so i bristle when a D/s 'authority' tries to tell me i am not sub. Nah, i spent to many years of my life being invisible, not going back into that closet. Besides, i have several Dom's who can attest to my sub side, so i know i am not making it up. 

i've read some descriptions of "bedroom sub." But that doesn't quite fit either, i'm pretty sexual in and out of the bedroom lol, so i'm probably a sexual bottom with some sub and some fringe that goes a little beyond that?  

Either way, i cannot honestly separate my bottom or sub or __________ parts from my sexuality. Which seems like yet another reason for some to rule me out as a potential. 

D/s has so many angles. i often feel like a stranger to it when i read posts about getting punished because tasks were not done properly.  It just doesn't connect with me. For me, being possessed sexually has plenty of potential with out having to deal with dirty laundry. 

Sorry... this was a random blog, brain is in recovery mode today lol.

i woke up recently (about 10 years ago) and realized, i guess i am no longer "young."  I've always managed to look younger than i am, luck of the draw (and moisturizer). i was one of those guys who everyone thought was still in high school at age 30. That lasted till about early 50's, then i got gray hair. i didn't know it. One day i heard my secretary describing me to someone in Baltimore who was going to pick me up on a business trip: "he's a tall skinny guy with gray hair."  I whirled around, looked at her and said: "i don't have gray hair!"  She just rolled her eyes at me, and i knew, not only had i gone gray, but apparently blind as well. It was a big blow. But i still managed to have some youth in my face. my point is, i have never lied about my age, even now when it is a lot more of an inconvenience. Oh, i'm tempted, but understanding wins out. i am looking for serious connections with people, and i know that lying is a barrier to real connection. So fuck, i post my age for all the world to see. fuck. (lol)

i'm HIV +, on meds and undetectable.  i put that in my profiles as well. Strike two.  i could be chagrinned at the number of people who's understanding is  still emotionally and cognitively in the 80's.  Reality is, i am one of the safer guys out their cruising the alley ways of the net. i'm honest, i get routinely checked for std's and "undetectable=un-transmissible."   This is prolly a bigger deal in the gay world, but maybe not, i hook with as many bisexual guys as i do gays. The stigma and ignorance behind it is still alive and well though.  I get it. i didn't want HIV, and i was lucky to dodge that bullet most of my life (poz for 4 years now).  i'm pretty sure the guy who gave it to me knew he was poz and lied to me despite my asking.  But i do not know that for sure, and do not blame him either way. i loved the intimacy i shared with him and knew the risks. The 'risks' were worth it for me and still are. Most of us as kinksters are acquainted with stigma. What has stood out to me since being poz is how willfully naive we can be to get past internalized stigma. People ask "are you clean?" As if by asking they will somehow be able to protect their self from catching an STD.  If people do not purposely lie, they simply delude themselves.  i read a profile on a gay hook up site recently that said "HIV neg, tested Nov 2019." The likelihood of someone on a gay sex hook up site not having had sex since 11/19 is slim to none, even in the age of Covid.  But i have read ads like this frequently, prior to Covid.  Human nature seems to want reassurance, even if it is absurd. 

We all have stuff that we'd rather not expose. It's not so much that we don't want to expose ourselves, it's that we don't want to feel the sting of rejection. It's an emotional response though, not one of reason. Which doesn't make it any less important, but our feelings can be deceptive.  To me, the goal of relationship (living for me) is to connect with others as much and at the deepest levels possible. But we cannot connect what we hide, and those are often areas of our greatest need/desire. Areas that we've been conditioned to hide, and even reject, as bad or unworthy.  

i've experienced plenty of rejection in life, have felt the loss of everything. But what i lost was a semblance of connection, a facade relationship. Being open and honest costs... but what does it cost? Monopoly money?

 i have also known true acceptance and that is sublime. I think it is life itself. So, i make here an argument for openness, for vulnerability. Not advocating wearing one's heart on the proverbial sleeve. I am talking taking some risk though.  The alternative is to die never having been known and with that the potential of being known and loved. 

i am thinking about "conditioning, training (and the darker version grooming?) in a D/s dynamic.  i think about this pretty often as guy who is deeply into 'mind fuck' (that has no negative connotation for me).  

One of the attributes i am strongly drawn to in a Dom/Top is their creative nature. That's a sort of double entendre to me, i see "creative" as a natural drive to 'procreate' (their self) in another. i also see it from the sort of artistic stance, where a Dom/Top is into creating different ways to, well, create, affect, mark, sign, etc., His/Her sub/bottom. 

i currently do not think a Dom/Top "makes" a sub/bottom as part of that creative energy, but rather, surfaces and exposes what is there. But i also see where a Dom/Top can mold and change what is there as part of that creative energy. As with other aspects of D/s dynamic, this kind of "molding, conditioning, training, _________"  can be a delicate dance. 

i think of "hard limits."  One of mine is physical pain. i suspect a lot of my attitude towards pain is a result of having a lot of it as a kid. i attracted bullies like carrion attracts flies.  As an adult, i compensated by getting a second degree black belt. Don't fuck with me lol.  i only sort of begin to understand S/m, but only from a distance... book knowledge. Yet, i confess to having an attraction and arousal about hand spanking. i have never seriously experienced this from a Dom/Top who was really into it, so my attraction is all imaginary. i have zero attraction to the pain part of it, for me, i imagine a Dom/Top who is alternately petting then spanking me, and my arousal/desire is, of course, attached to His. But beyond that generic need/desire in me to please Him, is my more specific need/desire to have his "mark" on me. The idea of Him putting His hand print on my ass is my collaring point in this. So, i can see how hand spanking might be my S/m gateway kink? lol idk. i might find i wouldn't even tolerate the pain of being hand spanked in reality.

Then there are the so called "soft limits."  i can see where conditioning could shift and mold me pretty effectively in this area. It would still take a skilled and aware Dom/Top. Nothing shuts me down faster than the presumption of force. One of my example kinks in this category is "watersports" (WS).  i was introduced to WS by a long time fuck buddy. We had this set up where he would come in my opened door and find me naked and prone on my bed and He would mount and breed me (usually wordlessly) and leave. Our conversation was by email, but we rarely talked when we got together.  we did get to know each other well through our written exchanges though. i offer that explanation as a preface to this: on one occasion, after he had cum deep inside of me, i felt the usual weight of His body relaxing on top of mine, covering me and sort of melding in. i love the sigh and release of a Top when His orgasm and pleasure are transferred from Him and become mine. But He lingered for awhile, which was sort of new. Moments later, i felt his cock twitching inside of me and began to experience a full feeling and realized He was pissing inside of me. At first, i was startled, but He knew me well and knew He could get away with surprising me in this way... and He did. He knew exactly what to say. He whispered: "please? this is so good, i need this."  And he had me. my being startled instantly turned into arousal and submission.  Before He left, he asked me to hold it in as long as i could so i would absorb him into me. Again, he knew just what to say. i did. The result was, when i peed i could smell His piss mixed with mine. It was a form of impregnation, and He knew my need/desires in that way and used them, surfaced them to 'control' me for His desire. But really, He just skillfully surfaced and linked our diesires/needs. 

That experience opened me to "WS" and i have since experienced it in that way and it's a strong psychological/physical collaring place for me. It has also got me thinking and imagining other forms of WS. Taking a Tops piss anally is one thing, but the idea of taking it orally, actually swallowing it leaves me ambivalent. i always have the desire to please a Top/Dom, but that all by itself rarely evokes submission from me. Connect that to a kink in me, and that can become the sort of internal "collar" where a Dom/Top can attach His leash (i.e., his own desire/need). 

my "ambivalence" is, on the desire side, i want to please/pleasure my Dom/Top. i also have experienced and been collared by the insemination, impregnation, marking aspects of WS. On the flip side, the idea of drinking piss literally scares me.  Not in a health sense, yogi's have been doing stuff like that for centuries. It's a fear of being overwhelmed by the taste, quantity that scares me. i'd also shut down if a Dom/Top did it out of meanness or bullying. The degradation/humiliation aspect has a strong pull for me, but only as it relates to a Dom/Tops affection for me and his need and desire. 

So, my imaginary work around is a Dom/Top who gradually, patiently "conditions, trains (molds?)"  me to drink and swallow His piss from his cock. 

To me, this serves as an example of how a Dom/Top can 'change" or "create" something He needs/desires in His sub/bottom. 

Double entendre?

Woke up thinking about how some D/s dynamic include having the sub on the ground in some manner or form: kneeling, lying underfoot, etc.  my mind wandered around looking at it, wondering "why?"   And  ended up looking at a few distinct parts  of a D/s scenario (for me), in the context of "grounding" 

The idea of being under a Dom's foot has no independent appeal to me, nor kneeling for that matter. But, when it gets connected to a Dom's need/desire for it, it surfaces something in me, and awakens my own need/desire.  When i look at it, for me the 'trigger' or 'key' is the Dom's need/desire.  

i usually couple those two words together with a /  because to me they are often intertwined , it can be hard to know where one leaves off and the other begins?  i think it's likely fluid?  For me, desire expressed with even a hint of meanness, bullying, makes me retreat, close up. But desire coupled with need always seems to open me deeply. It cannot be formula, i have to sense something real.

"Need" seems to be a counter intuitive expression from Dom's, as though showing it is a sign of weakness, not "Dom."  i see a difference between need and needy though. i think "need" is an intrinsic part of nature. We all have need, and i think it is an impediment to D/s connection to deny it or hide it behind a facade.

Still, it does sound strange: "I need you to submit," doesn't sound very dom vs a command to "submit." If there is needy in that first comment ("I need you to submit"), it falls flat for me, but if i see it mixed with lust/desire, i'm suddenly captive. And it does not come off as weak to me at all. 

i've noticed in myself that pretty much any time a Dom prefaces: "I need you to kneel (for instance),"  He has my full attention, and engages my own need/desire."  It's like an on button that makes the sub in me present. i kneel, not because i necessarily want to kneel (though there is something there too, just not independent). What is kneeling, submitting, is the (natural?) response of my need/desire to HIs.

Submission Is not a putting aside of my need/desire, it is engaging it. That grounds me.

Picard in his quarters reading.

Door 'bell' rings.

Picard: "come"

Counselor comes on command.

i love this song and have a total crush on the first singer, second from the right. Those eyes? OMG, they make me swoon lol. i don't particularly like the words to the song, sort of a whiney victim tale to me, though parts of it are okay. i love the melody and execution though, every version i have seen gotye is stellar i think.

 my crushing on the singer got me to thinking how often and easily i fall in love. i want to be in love, connected, i want to be snapped up and captivated, so those feelings and the needs and desires associated with it float pretty close to the surface for me.  i believe this is probably true for many who are here at The Cage, particularly those without mates.  i think one of the reasons that many of us fall in love so easily is because we are so ready, need and want it.. but it's complicated. There has to be so much that aligns for it to be, to work. 

i've fallen for several guys this year. All of them had beauty of soul that i could adore, but some ghosted me, who knows why? Others have situations that prevent them from being able to be in a relationship. i believe even though there is a part of them that genuinely wants relationship, they also seem ambivalent. That one seems to trip up prospects more than any other in my experience, "ambivalence" of a sort.  It seems to wax and wane with hormones and the moon, but it is in obvious evidence.  Still, i feel love for every guy who ghosted me, or cannot manage to write or stay with the communication process or _________________.  

i may be disappointed, hurt a bit, but the love is still there... they all eventually seem to become "Somebody that i used to know."

Preface aside:  i work as a critical care nurse in a hospital, 13 hour shifts, one week on and one week off.  It's usually a zoo or circus, depending on whether there are clowns. Half my rotation was on the "covid" unit (i volunteer for covid patients, i'm invincible-and obviously delusional).  All that as an explanation to this wonderful community for why i mostly disappear for a week at a time.  i love you beautiful, stalwart people for continuing to contribute, to put yourself out there, You are awesome.

Yesterday was my first day off, with a 'mega-code" class in the middle of the day, but i had my morning and evening.  A sweet guy approached me, 'chatted me up,' offered some of who he is, and i tumbled into his arms. It was a first experience with a "rigger" (i guess he would identify as such, he is very into ropes?).  i was tentative with my feelings, he seems "straight" to me (and today, a dear friend-and former rope bunny- explained to me that gender [often] doesn't matter to riggers?  Which was mind fucky for me, because it was a sexual experience, for me at least. i was certainly sexually aroused the whole time, even though He made no actual sexual overtures and i have no idea if it was a sexual experience for Him, i sort of doubt it, but do not know. He 'dommed' me online, and i submitted. It was a new and wonderful experience. i have never been bound or gagged, especially virtually. 

i am currently exchanging emails with a Guy who i really like. His mind turned me on and opened me wide. When that happens with me, i can produce a veritable tsunami of letters (i know i am not alone in this haha), looking for all the connections i can find with Him, hoping to bond securely.  

Initially, some fly the coop quickly, looking for a different hen to breed, but some respond somewhat in kind for a bit, they keep pace, even if that may not be their running style. But it seems, more often than not, the replies get shorter and shorter... it seems i'm doing most of the initiation, things i've written do not get responded to at all. my emotional response is to worry, get hurt, wonder if it's something i said, is he turned off, is there someone else, etc., ad infinitum.  

Today it's starting to gel in my brain that people commonly drown in 'tsunamis.'  They may survive the first wave, but wave after wave can exhaust resilience. Lack of response to continued waves of letters from me may not be a question of communication ability or inclination to do so, i may simply be drowning the guy. The fact that He hasn't responded to my third email may have something to do with the fourth through tenth emails that followed in close succession before he even had a chance to read, let alone respond, to the third one. 

i do not think there is a right or wrong approach to communication, some are concise, some (waves hand) are vociferous. As long as there is openness, what does it matter the volume and pace?  i have no control over another's pace, and i think it would likely be a mistake to try and get someone to run faster or more than they want or can... that's their choice, not mine.  So, i am committing to a new approach, to learn, to train and try and pace myself with those i want to bond with. To try and be sensitive to the person i am speaking with and not drown them. i have a feeling i may end up preserving more feelings (my own and theirs) and perhaps preserving opportunities to bond at the same time.