Dom's and subs the psychology

Why are we the way we are?

This has been the question on my mind for the last 20 years.

I was told to tell people things they didn't already know, that wasn't common knowledge so here we go.

DISCLAIMER

To ensure that I am not called out on it the following is my extrapolations from my understanding of people, situations, and trauma. This is my own experiences, I do not have specific scientific evidence to back up everything but it makes sense and those I have talked to these last 10 years in the situations agree with it.

Why are we the way we are?

It is quite simple when you really think about it and or experience it. The answer is life. The trauma we experience, the upbringing by our parent or parents, the whole thing together.

How are Doms and subs created?

From trauma or training. For Doms control is taken away from them. They want that control but it was taken away usually by force or there is another magnifying effect like length of time or severity.

Like in my childhood control was taken away at 13. I lived in fear of the control my mother had over me for the next 5 years. I won't go into details about it but if I disobeyed my life would have never been the same. So I never wanted to lose control or ever forget what would happen if I lost that control.

The same is true for subs but in reverse. They are given too much control and they don't want it. They just want to be themselves. This is why you see CEOs of major companies whose spouse is a Dom. The CEO has so much control that they have to deal with on a daily basis that they just want to come home and not have to make decisions to be able to just do as they are told by their dominant.

Now there are the subset of subs called littles. Littles are created one of two ways. They are created through trauma or abuse. Trauma can be like subs where too much control is given to them but this is while they are kids. So they just want to have their childhood back to enjoy it. This is like when a parent is unable to take care of the child and the child becomes the parent at like age 5. They have to do all the grownup things and don't get to have their childhood. So then when they are adults they crave that childhood and it creates a little.

Abuse is where there is physical, emotional, or sexual abuse of the child and it creates a little and potentially an additional personality leading to multiple personality disorder. Now if you study Erikson's stages of development you will learn that if the child doesn't learn the lesson of each phase of development that they are without that skill or trait and it then hampers them in the future. Erikson says it can be learned later but you still must understand what you are missing in order to learn it. So what does this have to do with littles? Well the little is lacking some traits and so they need to be brought back through the affected stages in order to help them grow.

Why is Pain so pivotal in the BDSM lifestyle?

Pain in our lives helps us to remember. It is that pain that changes and alters our behavior and mindset. The pain that formed us in trauma, the pain that we don't want o make a mistake for a master, the pain that is felt when enduring punishments.

Ask a masochist do they feel pain in their lives other than the pain that they crave? What do you think their answer will be? I am willing to bet it will be Yes. Why is that then that they want more pain since they already have so much?

There is physical, emotional, and psychological pain that they are suffering from trauma/life. They either want to feel alive or want to forget the pain. So by introducing more pain they are able to drown out the other pain or push the memory back. In the case of mental pain and flashbacks by introducing a physical pain they are able to take their mind off the mental pain. This is very big with cutters.

Why do Doms use pain to correct bad behavior?

Simple just look up Skinner's rats and you will find out all about B.F. Skinner and his study of rats using operant conditioning. It is pain the memory remembers most of all. There is evidence all around be it how you are more likely to leave a bad review than a good one and that you will be swayed more by 1 bad review than multiple good reviews. People are influenced much more by pain than by pleasure just as Skinner saw in the rats.

In conclusion this doesn't mean pain is inherently bad it just is pain. Things can be positive or negative depending on circumstances. Just like if you touch a hot stove you will feel the pain of the burn. That is bad however you won't touch it again which is good. The same is true for other areas of your mind that you wouldn't think about.

Thank you for reading and stay tuned for more.

End of Part 1

So being a sub is first about understanding yourself. Then it is about understanding your Dom.

The way to know if a potential Dom is a real Dom or not depends on how much he or she wants to know about you.

A real Dom wants to know everything about you. Your likes, dislikes, interests, goals, challenges, what turns you on, what turns you off, BDSM likes and dislikes, hard limits, soft limits, etc.

It is only by knowing these things that a Dom can understand you well enough to take control of your life.

So this means that you have to understand this about yourself so that you can communicate it to your prospective or current Dom. It is by understanding yourself that you can communicate who you are so that your Dom understands you and can do what it takes to keep you safe, help you grow, and make you happy.

Those are my 3 guiding principles when it comes to a sub. Everything I do is for one or more of those principles. Every rule I give a sub is also based on 1 or more of those principles. If a sub ever asks me why did I give a rule I will explain which of the 3 it is for and what the rule is ultimately supposed to do.

Now you don't need to give a Dom full control of every decision you make. You are the one to choose what level of control you want to give to your Dom. Is it like Major decisions, is it only when you are indecisive, is it every day decisions, is it absolutely all decisions, or somewhere in between?

This must be communicated to your prospective Dom as they need to know if they are a good fit or not. It is best that from the start you and your prospective Dom are on the same page as what your level of submission is.

Do not settle on a Dom just because you are attracted to him or her. They may want to control all aspects of your life and you don't want to give that much control. That doesn't mean you are not a sub it just means that you have your limit on submission and that the Dom is not a good fit for you.

End of Part 1

My name is Master Matthew. I am a successful business owner of multiple companies. I have been a Dom for as long as I can remember.

There are events in our lives that changes how we think and it pushes us into the BDSM mindset and lifestyle.

My blog posts will be a lot about psychology and understanding people. That there is so much that can be understood about Dom's and subs.

I look forward to helping each and everyone of you to have a happy and fulfilling life.