Looking into the mirror that is me

I look at my reflection. What is it I see? First I study my body. All soft and wobbly and worn. I don't like what I see. But I don't hate it as much as I used to. The flaws I used to see are still there. But I am not as crippled by them as I was before. I have scars. Many scars. Some are from my own attempts at fixing myself. Some are from me doing the temporary to prevent me doing the permanent. Some scars are from bringing my children into the world. Some are from various health issues or injuries over the years. The emotional scars are the worst but they are invisible to the naked eye. But if you look hard enough you can see signs that they are there. My body isn't perfect. To me it's not attractive. Not sexy. But it's mine and it's all I have. I am hating it less and less because it has carried me thru the horror that has been my life. It has kept me alive when I didn't want to be. It has grown and protected 2 brand new human beings. I look up. I look into my eyes. I see the sadness there. I see the darkness too. The darkness that is in most of us. My darkness is there. Swirling like an angry storm cloud thru my soul. My eyes show it. And then I notice a pin prick of light. Just visible. I can see it. In the middle of the darkness. I look again. It is still there. I wasn't imagining it. There is still hope. That I am going to be accepted for who I am. What I am. That they will want me. Accept me. Guide me and train me. Trust and respect me and even care for me. That even seeing how broken I am they will still want me. I want them. I am scared of what I will become if I lose them. I am scared that one day they will wake up and look at me and see what I see and decide to throw me away like yesterday's trash. I have given myself to them. I want them. I need them. I need to feel their dominance. Their control. By giving myself to them. Submitting to them. I am free. The light gets a little brighter. I just hope that some cruel twist of fate doesn't extinguish it