My Musings

Master made it home sooner than we both expected. He messaged me last night and said he was almost home. I was wondering why I hadn't heard from him all day. He told me to be ready in the morning so he could stop in for a short visit because he'd be heading out again, which he had warned me about before. So the 10 days he first expected to be gone was exactly 10 days.

This morning, after my little human left for school, I quickly got ready. Not long after he sent me a message saying he had to cancel, with a long heartfelt explanation and apology. His job is unpredictable and they can call him with the expectations of his dropping any plans he may have. But, he had promised if he could step away for a moment he would come by even if it is just to say hi and for a hug and a kiss. He also said, anything is better than nothing. My sweet handsome King, how I love him so. Yes it's only been 10 days since I seen him but it had seemed like an eternity. All I said was, "Ok, I understand." I was lost for words, and those of you who read me know, that is uncharacteristic of me. I set my phone down, climbed on my bed and cried. I was so excited to see him and the disappointment hurt my heart.

He messaged again apologizing once more. I explained to him that I didn't quite know how to express myself and that all I could do was feel. Told him I cried and was hurting. I've always prided myself on being a non-overly emotional woman but he pushes these emotions so easily. I told him I wasn't mad just disappointed.

We got back to normal. He told me where he was going and we talked about the route. I looked at a map and was excited that he'll get to see some beautiful areas. I just hope the weather is nice and doesn't cause delays.

Then he got busy so I went on with my household chores. Of course I was still affected by his cancellation but hoping he would find some time to stop by.

As I was washing the floor I heard his message notification going off. I finished off what I was doing and opened his message. Asking if I was online. I said "I am now, why what's up?" Silly man asked, "wanna fuck?" I could feel my heart jump and what else could I say but, "yes please!"...lol...he said, "get naked." So I obeyed quickly.

So I got to see my King after all, and it wasn't just for a quick hello, hug, and kiss. Yes he stopped by for a fuck. That's part of our M/s dynamic and I wouldn't have it any other way.

He walked in,
locked the door,
came to the bedroom,
undressed,
walked to my side of the bed so I could suck his gorgeous cock,
then he pulled away,
I laid back,
I sucked my breath in as he climbed between my legs,
he took my clit in his mouth and sucked,
sending me quickly into begging to cum,
he wouldn't allow,
I was so close to disobeying the rule,
he finally gave me permission,
he wiped his gorgeous bearded face as he rose,
he's ready to use my pussy,
watching his expressions,
loving the sounds he make,
as he almost forces his way inside,
of the tightness he loves,
I play with my clit,
I touch him as he slides in and out,
pulls out,
slaps me with his hardness,
gives me permission,
then says "I need to cum",
pulls out again,
stands up,
motions for me to kneel on the bed,
enters me from behind,
I'm given permission,
I feel the sensation to squirt,
always amazes me that he makes me,
It wasn't a lot this time but he made me,
THEN
he grows,
thrusts,
I feel the pressure,
the throbbing,
he groans and moans,
he cums hard,
And I am always amazed at how long he stays hard after he cums, as he continues to thrust slow and gentle.

He pulls out. I gain my composure, but my heart is still racing and I'm wanting to clean him as I normally would.

Then there's a knock on the door. We finished just in time. The property manager showed up, which I knew about but not the time, to check the fire detectors. I threw on a dress I wear when staying indoors and went to answer. Smelling like sex. He chatted with me as he did his inspection. I'm blushing through it all. No bra on and I know my nipples are still hard because the fabric is sending shocks into them. He is clueless, makes me sign, and walks out.

I go back to our bedroom. Master has lost a sock and for the life in us we couldn't find it. So there's a sock hiding very well in my bedroom. It's a good thing he doubles them for our climate.

He takes me in his arms, kisses me gently, and we go to the front door where we always have our little chats and it always seems like he doesn't want to leave, and it is mutual.

I watch as he walks to his truck and when he gets in he turns to flash that panty dropping smile of his. And I shut the door so I don't see him drive away.

As Master said earlier in the day, "anything is better than nothing". Some may say it's just sex, but to me it is serving him, pleasing him, and the sex with him is always amazing no matter the length. It was more than just a quickie because to me a quickie is a race to each have one orgasm. I had 3...😜. It is still meaningful and will keep me happy and fulfilled until he returns, which means anywhere between 10 - 14 days, if not longer...all depends on the weather.

Hehehe, not that kind of quickie.

Just checking in.

All is well. Doing very good. Better than I thought I would being that my King is so far away.

Been busy, very busy. Halloween, family, and tasks for my King.

Main thing is cleaning and purging the Castle.

His queen will be ready and extra excited for his arrival back to his Kingdom...🤴👸

All is well in my little world. My King has been gone a week and still isn't on his way back home so the 10 days looks more like 14. But our communication is as always and my displaced feelings are replaced with the happiness he brings to my life.

I text a friend of mine who knows what my life was like with my ex Dom. She is like a sister to me and knows almost everything that goes on in my life. But, she doesn't totally understand this "not enough" feeling because she's been with her Dom since before I met her and their dynamic has never changed, in fact it got better and deeper.

But she's always there, always ready to help me through any issue that I may have. Or just to talk about our lives in general.

She sent me this. She said she borrowed some of the words but it all pertains to what she sees I am and knows others do as well.

A very good friend who I love with all my heart and soul.

I don't wallow in self-pity. I always talk it out with someone and/or post as I did.

Once I get it out of my system then I feel better and I go on with life.

Tomorrow will be better, the feeling will pass. I'll continue with my tasks and do more purging.

And I'll be back to my happy-go-lucky bubbly self.

Now and again I go through these thoughts of not being enough. It has to do with my ex Dom. I don't get depressed. But that fear will hit me out of the blue sometimes. I haven't felt that way in over a year.

Today it hit me.

The fear of not being enough had made me leery of committing to a long term relationship because of the way my ex Dom changed our dynamic and eventually sent me away. I had struggled before the relationship ended, I wondered why the dynamic changed and he didn't want to Dominate me anymore.

Over the past 3 years I had either turned down single Doms or ended the dynamic before it got too deep. My fears held me back.

My ex Dom did a number on me.

Not too long ago he tried to knock my self-esteem down because he realized that I had moved on and I was happy without him. He wanted to try again and when I refused it made him angry. He called me fat and ugly, among other things.

My King reassured me. He told me he loved my body and told me I am beautiful. Made me feel desired and wanted. Made me feel beautiful, and tells me when he senses I need to hear it.

Not many people have told me these things. My children tell me I'm beautiful but children are bias. From my first memories of my Dad he always called me beautiful but again this is someone who is bias. I've heard I'm pretty, or nice looking but my partners have never called me beautiful, until my handsome King.

I found an envelope in a drawer and emptied it onto my bed. It was pictures. The first one I seen was one of me and my ex Dom. He had his arm around my waist, my head on his shoulder, he was smiling, I was smiling too but the smile didn't reach my eyes. I remembered the day it was taken. His son said he wanted a nice picture of us for his school project. It was about a year before our relationship ended. Our D/s dynamic had turned vanilla years before that. This picture said so much today. I had been unhappy but was still in love with the Dom that he had been the first 4 years of our relationship. At that time I thought there was still hope of the Dom coming back.

I went through a time of wondering why, what did I do wrong, why did he stop Dominating me, did I not submit the way he wanted me to, was I not enough any more? And my answer to myself was that I was not enough because when I asked my ex he just shrugged and said he didn't know what it was.

I had done everything I knew, I did everything I always had before he changed. I took care of our home, it was always clean and perfect, the way he liked. I still sat at his feet and massaged them when he had a hard day. I gave him full body massages whenever he allowed. I submitted to the boring vanilla sex that now and again was rough but yet vanilla. When he first started changing I would kneel at his feet with my collar and a flogger or crop but he would tell me he wasn't in the mood.

The feelings of not being enough started years before our relationship ended but I couldn't let go. I was still in love with a version of him.

Now today he made me feel those feelings again. Of not being enough.

My King is an amazing man. He makes me feel wanted and needed. He makes me feel submissive every time he communicates with me and every time I'm near him I serve him with every part of my being, and he does tell me that I fulfill all his needs.

And yet today I wondered, am I enough, will I be enough for him to keep wanting my submission, my servitude?

I felt hate today as well. I am not the kind of person who feels hate. I may dislike something but not feel that awful deep hate for anyone.

Purging has brought thoughts and feelings that I didn't think it would bring.

I cut those memories into tiny pieces as I sat and silently cried for those lost years where I could have found another place of true happiness. But it was needed. Closure perhaps.

No matter what, or no matter when, I would have found those pictures. It just happens to be when my King is away and the communication is limited.

As always, I will pull up my big girl panties...wait...I don't wear panties...🤭😉. I will pick myself up with the strength I am proud of having and will serve my King with the depth that I have in the past. He loves my servitude, respects and appreciates that I have given to him all that I am...with love and passion, and true dedication. I am enough for him, for now. I hope.

Yesterday was almost a normal day with my King. Chatted for a few hours during the day. Then all evening once he got to his hotel room. He had me beaming with all the "good girl" comments. I'm sure he was doing so to build me up.

Today I woke to his usual "good morning" with a little bit of a note. When working he is always up hours before I am. He said he will contact me when he can. I'm sure we will talk a little this evening. Still yet, I'm so used to talking to him throughout the day. It's a change from what I'm used to.

Going for coffee and visit with my daughter and a friend at their work place. Then home to begin the purge.

It's a cold day here in the great white north...🥶... -17 C/1 F. Life in Canada! Not much snow right now but still snow, and way too early!

Feeling a little displaced today, but I'll fall back into place quickly. Had a good cry and now need to express myself to those who may understand.

I've been so lucky since my King collared me. I had the pleasure of seeing him at least once a week, sometimes more than once. So I was a little spoiled.

It's only been 3 days since I seen him and was hoping to see him today. But, he got called to work. He'll be gone at least 10 days and as soon as he gets home he'll be off again for probably another week. Whether I'll get to see him in between trips is not known just yet.

We won't have as much communication as we normally do while he's gone. So not being able to see him or talk to him as much is going to be sooooo hard.

He had warned me that there will be times like this but I'm not ready for it, I probably wouldn't have been ready even if he had given me a few days notice.

I do have a few important things to do while he's gone that will help me keep busy. Find a new female play partner, clean and set basement up for play space, and purge.

I stopped searching for a play partner because I was a bit leery of the subs/women in the area. We live in a very small city and because my King is married we need to find a very discreet partner. Not only that but someone who will dedicate themselves to us and their own vanilla partner if they have one. So I'm going to start looking again since I'll have so much time on my hands.

My basement is finished into one big room that will be perfect to play in. I have furniture down there that is perfect to enjoy all sorts of fun on. Need to put some eye hooks in the ceiling though...maybe some on one of the walls. At the moment it is used as a tv room and guest bedroom. I also use it as a storage room so I will have to move things around. This will be a fun task.

Then there is the purging I need to do badly. I'm not a hoarder but being that I have OCD it is hard to get rid of certain things that I had believed at one time were important. I think purging will be a good thing for me because many things I have kept were from my past. Now that I have my King I need to move on and let my old memories go.

I am not a depressive person, rarely feel sad or emotional, so I will be fine once the day passes and I have accepted the distance that will be there for awhile.

How things have progressed the last couple times I was with him really amped up the M/s dynamic we have, the way he had moved me deeper as his slave pulled me closer to him. So this separation will be a bit hard but I am a strong slave/woman...I will behave, obey, and keep myself busy while he is away.

My goodness gracious...he is awesome! I'm star struck I think...😊

My Master gave me one of his t-shirts to sleep in. I fall asleep with him, and I wake with him. How my mind works, a little warped at times...hehe...I always try and find a reason or explanation for things that I feel. I am a deep thinker and tend to be a little over analytical at times, but it helps me achieve mental fulfillment (most times). With my intelligence and this analytical attribute of mine it is not always a good thing because it can make me a procrastinator as well, just saying...lol...and yes, I know, a little weird.

So being that I am at my own devices today because Master is not available like he normally is I am doing some deep cleaning of my home and with that comes the deep thinking. And that has brought me to the feelings I have about his t-shirt.

He has worn this t-shirt many times because it is a little worn out. His body was kept covered, warm, and comfortable in it. He lived in it, his DNA is/was on it, and the words printed on it I know has some meaning to him. There are no threads hanging, the threads are all intact and it will last me forever. No holes, so there will never be a reason to mend it. It is completely whole. Do you see the metaphor I'm trying to set? His essence, spirit, life, is in it, and wearing it wraps me, like his hold on me does.

Therefore, he is always with me.

Aside from the metaphor type explanation I need to use an analogy as well, (mostly for my own need of self expression) I was raised Catholic. So as a Catholic the Eucharist or Holy Communion is where we accept, from the Priest, a small piece of sacramental bread/wafer. According to the teachings a transubstantiation takes place, a change of substance or essence, the bread is changed into the body of Christ. Therefore, when I accept the sacrament into my body, the body of Christ is then within me.

My King's t-shirt, is the bread.

I have slept in it for 4 nights. Last night I could barely smell him on it and this morning his scent is gone. It didn't really make me sad, disappointed perhaps, but not sad. Because, he is still part of it.

I do believe it is time to wash this precious item. When you have a piece of precious clothing the tag will say, wash by hand, hang dry or dry flat.

He has supplies here. Shampoo, body wash...other personal bathroom items. Things that give him that manly, perfect, scent.

So guess what I did...yup, I washed his t-shirt in his body wash and it is hanging in my shower to dry.

I will go to bed with the strong scent of him and will repeat this action each time his scent fades.

Some people will understand where I am coming from with all this jibber jabber. Then I'm sure some might think, is she fucken nuts.

Well. I am totally sane...I don't have my Master, physically, with me every day. I'm a slave deep down and I need that physical connection to my Master, my King. These thoughts, this t-shirt, keeps me closer to him. It keeps me focused, keeps me from needing him too much, and it keeps me warm at night.

Not long after Master left this afternoon, to go on his trip, my daughter called saying she was on her way over.

First of all, she has met him once and knows that I've seen him since she's met him. But, she doesn't know that we have a physical, M/s relationship. So if she had shown up while he was still here she wouldn't have been bothered by him, per se...but would have questioned me later about what she witnessed.

I was rushing to get in the shower so that the smell of sex and his personal scent wasn't on me. But as I was walking into the bathroom she walked in. She had to have been just a few blocks away when she called.

She had text me when Master first got here and I told her I was busy. When she walked in she said, "It smells like a man's cologne in here. Is that what you meant by "busy" and now you have to tell me who he is. I knew you were seeing someone. You've been too quiet and not going out like you used to."

His body wash, and shampoo have a very masculine scent and stays in the air for quite some time after.

Before I could answer she said she needed to use the bathroom. Came out and said. "Come on Mom, who is he? It must be serious if he's showering here too."

I started laughing and told her "I don't know where this is going and I don't want to jinx it by coming out about it. When I know what's going to happen between us then I'll tell you."

She said, "Is he that kind of friend?" So I asked her what she meant and she said, "A friend with benefits?" So I told her, "Sort of."

And she left it at that.

For now I'm sure.

My daughter is a very important part of my life. We rarely go a day without seeing each other and if we can't see each other we are texting or calling. I wouldn't say she is my best friend but she is very close to it. I tell her, almost everything that goes on in my life, so not telling her about my Master is a little hard. She knew years ago that I lead a kinky lifestyle but not to what extent. She also knows I'm bisexual so not much about me surprises her.

As she was walking out the door she said, "I'm happy if you're happy, just don't get pregnant!"...my 28 year old daughter telling me not to get pregnant...lmao.

I told Master all about my conversation with her. He said "no pregnant no"...and I told him "it would be a miracle". Lmao

This Master of mine is truly insatiable. But I love how he desires me.

Naked cuddling, while watching porn will always lead to more...lol

We had a couple hours of sensual play. His fingers sure know how to touch me. He had said, "I wanted to lay naked and cuddle with you. If we fuck we fuck, if we don't we don't." But when we are together it's never enough just to be near each other. 

He took a shower while I set his clothes ready for him. I love his body. He has this nice perfect yummy butt. He got dressed and we were standing at the door. He looks so young and so handsome the way he was dressed. He has a great deal of pride in his appearance, his clothes, his hair style, even his beard shows the care he takes in his look. I wonder to myself, what does he see in this older woman when he can have a young, slim, woman with twice my energy.

But this handsome young man wants me!

And as usual I watch him walk to his vehicle. He looks towards me and gives me that gorgeous smile that I adore so much.

I am hopelessly and completely addicted to my Master.

He is an amazing Master, an amazing Man, and an incredible lover. How did I ever get so lucky.