Esoteric Submission

I’ve been in a few dynamics but I’ve never been with a Daddy type, in fact, I avoided them. I didn’t avoid because I thought anything bad about it, I avoided because I didn’t think that being treated lovingly was something meant for me. Any man I’ve ever been with had nothing but coldness, except for one that was nice and more like a kinky best friend. I was afraid of having a Daddy because I didn’t want to get accustomed to being treated lovingly only to have it taken away, better to do without than to experience the loss. I always felt a level of jealousy of girls that had a Daddy but I’d cover it with disdain, trying to hide from myself, not admitting I wanted to be loved out of fear of that love being taken away or

never given love in the first place.

When I met my Master, he didn’t say he was a Daddy too, only a sadist ❤️‍🔥 I do love a nice cold sadist, but I never knew that it didn’t have to be that way all the time. About three months in I made an offhand teasing comment and said that he could force me to call him Daddy. He said I wouldn’t mind you calling me Daddy, and from that moment on I was interested. I don’t really remember what happened to make me feel comfortable with it but I did start calling him Daddy, and it didn’t feel too bad at all. Not only did I start calling him Daddy but he started showing me what having a Daddy means. He showed me what being cherished, important, and unconditionally loved is. It brought out my playful side and most importantly my loving side. Today, the love between Daddy and I has become something I’ve never felt before, not even from my Father. It took Daddy months to convince me that this wasn’t a trick, and that it’s not something he gave me to take away later out of cruelty. When my abandonment issues cropped up, just about daily, he would say

“Little girl, Daddy always comes back.”

Daddy is still a sadist and I am still a masochist, and when Master comes out we play as hard as possible. Afterwards though, Daddy does come back, and Daddy makes his girl feel loved, valued, seen, and heard. I never imagined that a D/s dynamic could be so multifaceted, and I finally believe that

I’m worthy of love.

Daddy, thank you for being my shelter, thank you for allowing me to love and loving me in return. Your Ownership is whole and complete, and for the first time in my life, I’m proud to be owned. The words “I love you Daddy” in no way encompass what I feel for you. You are the air I breathe, you are the light in our dark, and

Daddy always come back.

We all have an experience or a moment in our lives that makes some deep connection or an ah-ha moment.

I am a very autonomous person. I am proud of my ability to set and maintain my own goals, beliefs, values, and boundaries. At the same time, I sought to turn those over to another. Finding a person to trust with my sense of self, my cognitive processes, and my life has been difficult. I made many mistakes and experienced failures. Eventually, I did find this person, my owner, but even so, relinquishing those things has been an intricate process for both of us that will continue to evolve. Yesterday I realized just how far we have come and how far we can go.

I tend to be easily overstimulated. Introvert, neuro-divergent, and generally annoyed by loud sounds, let’s say that a birthday party for a 12-year-old at Dave and Busters is not on my list of fun things. Of course, we parents suffer for our children, and I endured for hours.

As the third hour approached, my anxiety rose and rose to the point where I could barely keep myself from bolting for the door. I’m sure many of you who are similar to me know about bathroom trips for no reason other than to escape being overstimulated. I was hanging out in the bathroom a lot.

I texted Daddy, “I’m at max capacity overstimulation.” He replied with the simple sentence, “Breathe, my own.” Everything faded away. I was on the verge of a total meltdown, and he made it go away with one sentence. I thought, “This is what it means to be owned.”

Ownership isn’t only about the body, and it isn’t only about the mind. It is about the spirit too. He controls all of these things as he sees fit, and I am so grateful to have found someone to whom I have the confidence to give over my body, mind, and spirit. He is the caretaker of me just as I am of him. It is a cycle of trust, dedication, and love. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, and it has just begun.

Thank you for owning this girl's entire being, Master. You are my true definition of the title.

Something I wrote to him about our journey thus far a few months ago:

You found me and gentled me, a quintessence of solace. You found me and cradled me with your shelter of love.

You took me and claimed me, a state of being. You took me and chained me with your promise of subjugation.

You saw me and knew me, a soul unveiled. You whitewashed me and purified me with your virtuoso’s hands.

You coax me and illuminate me, a map of eternity. You molded me and shaped me with your cartographer’s knowledge.

You own me and consecrate me, a kept possession. You engulf me and still me with your Elysian domination.

In 2017, I set a goal for myself and I posted it here on the cage. At the time, I was in crisis from having been broken by a malignant narcissistic dominant for approximately 3 years. I was desperate to rebuild myself, take back my autonomy, and reclaim my self-worth. The goal I set was to become a therapist. ❤️‍🩹

I wrote a blog about it, and while it seemed to be an impossible dream at the time, taking me another two years to even get started, I am happy to say I have reached that first lifetime goal, to complete a 4-year degree. I’m now 3 semesters away from earning my master’s degree through an advanced standing program. 🥅

I’m no longer a high school dropout with a 9th-grade level education. A year from now I’ll have a degree that only 13% of Americans have. I graduated with a 3.8, and I’ve won three scholarships that were limited to two people out of all applicants. 🏫

I have earned some bragging rights by making sacrifices, being dedicated, and pushing through when things were hard. I rebuilt myself from being desperately broken, from having a psychotic break, and from a shattered soul. I recently received an award for resilience and steadfastness, I earned every bit of that. Daddy says it is the perfect award for his masochist! 🏆

I have three people here from the Cage to thank for supporting me through this journey. Always first, Daddy who is the love of my life, next a man I nicknamed Mr. Awesome, you know him as Literate Lycan and last a woman whom you all know as SatinDragon. 🙏

I met LL first when I was starting my second year of college. I was still quite broken, surviving but most certainly not thriving. LL spent around a year getting to know me, talking to me every day. He picked me up from the ground, dusted me off a little, and tried really hard to get me to drink some tea. LL brought me back to life, with no motives, no agenda, simply by being who he is, Mr. Awesome. He brought back the smiles, he brought back the self-confidence, and he rekindled something I thought was lost forever, the capability to trust again. He mentored and supported me through my first year of upper-division classes. He even took pictures of pine cones for my online biology class once. I am so grateful for you, Mr. Awesome, thank you for being a consistent friend in my life and for being who you are. 🐺

I met Satin Dragon next, and we had an awesome lunch together (we need to do this again soon!) and many insightful or just fun conversations. We haven’t had a single conversation in which Satin doesn’t tell me how proud she is of me, and her support and encouragement have bolstered me many times. Thank you for being a true friend, giving great advice, and listening when I need to talk. 🐉

I met my Daddy, Master, and Owner a little more than a year ago. Where LL gave me the capability to trust again, Daddy showed me what trust truly is, how it feels, and how it is the foundation of all that we are. I can’t imagine a day without him, I can’t imagine not sharing my struggles and my accomplishments with him. He supports and guides me in every possible way. He is the only person who has ever shown me what being seen, valued, and loved feels like. I achieve for us now, and once I graduate, we begin our life together. ♾

He is the caretaker of my past, the executive of my present, and the Owner of my future. I love you with everything that I am and ever will be. Thank you for providing a safe place, thank you for being my shelter through any storm, and most of all, thank you for loving me unconditionally. ❤️‍🔥

…and when I bleed

      your secret name….

            it lingers like libidinous

                     snow~

….echoing metallic euphoria

                intertwined with pain…

                    held rapt by

                         soliloquy~

I’m coming to the conclusion that this body is in collusion with a darkly sadistic mind.

I’m perpetually on my knees with a cunt that sweetly aches for his tease and depraved cravings that strike me blind.

I’m covered in skin that itches for his owners mark as he plays me like a delicate harp, my life purpose he has now reassigned.

I’m the culmination of his diabolical celebration blithely laid out as a sacrificial soul to be eternally tightly confined.

I’m desperately grateful to submit, it’s my will that I forfeit to my sadistic owner as his slave that he has cleverly defined.

It is the darkness which will always
invitingly remain.
It mimics your footfalls and bleeds your
secret name.
It will linger behind you as a reminder,
intricately restrained.

It shudders and sighs, your beautifully
relentless thing.
It moves with all of your gestures on
molten strings.
It is your gray side, a curse, a hidden
broken wing.

It can drown without water and burn
without fire.
It is your truth, your mimic, and your
wanton sapphire.
It will chase you, delicately led on your
invisible wire.
 It is your nothing, your toy, a flicker, a
delicious sigh.
It exists for your pleasure, amusing,
remarkably sly.
It will beg, plead, and whimper, yours to
savagely deny.

I love when Daddy treats me as his It. I have the capacity to fully immerse and forget my identity, becoming only a construct of his desires. The hard part is bringing me back, reminding me of my humanity, and making me remember that I have to be a person too. Somedays I want nothing more than to remain It forever, but thankfully he understands the balance that is required. 

When two natural leaders come together in a D/s dynamic the likelihood of problems arising from this is very high. I can’t speak from the standpoint of the dominant but I can speak of how I struggle with this as a submissive.

I am a decisive, smart, and educated woman. Not only that, but my education lies in the social sciences. So, it is literally my training to analyze relationships, behaviors, and thought patterns then pinpoint where the problems are coming from. This is great for me as a submissive, I am very adept at recognizing needs in our dynamic. The problem is that I’m also trained to form a plan of action to deal with these problems, correct behaviors, circumvent barriers, and if I don’t feel competent or equipped then I either point the way to find someone that is or research my knowledge gap. So one can see how it is difficult for me to be able to not be that whole plan of action person.

Daddy and I have a minor dynamic issue, which I won’t be discussing in detail. I recognized this issue and I made the decision about how to best handle it for me and for him without even giving him a chance to think about the issue and before I even mentioned it. I basically said “This is a problem and we are going to do this and this, I need it and you need it too.” Daddy agreed with me about the issue, not so much about the plan, because I didn’t even give him a chance to.

It took me about 12 hours to realize what I did. In a normal relationship this wouldn’t have been such a major mistake on my part, although even in a normal relationship I should be working with my partner to come to solutions rather than just deciding for us. My mistake here is a little bit more severe considering the parameters of our dynamic.

We aren’t there yet, but the eventual goal is that he fully leads our lives. So, what I did was I decided what I needed, I decided what he needed, and I decided what to do in order to fulfill both of our needs. Uh, isn’t that kind of his job? Yeah, it is. Now, that isn’t to say that if I notice that Daddy is cranky and he needs a sandwich that I shouldn’t go make him a sandwich. When it comes to the dynamic and how it’s guided and handled, that is all his.

I wasn’t wrong to speak up about the problem, I got that part right! I was wrong in the way that I handled that recognition. I should have presented it to him, told him how it’s making me feel, and asked him to take it from there. I should have trusted him to be able to do that, I should have had faith that he would handle it. Trust and faith aren’t born in a handful of months, but they can’t be born if we don’t give them what they need to grow.

Daddy didn’t call me out on this, I called myself out. Part of what makes me a great partner is that I continually analyze myself, my actions, and my feelings. I’m pretty good at recognizing when I have made a mistake and accepting the consequences. In this particular example Daddy hasn’t imposed any consequences, likely because he knows that I have already learned and grown from it.

I’m sure that I’m not the only submissive that struggles with ceded power. I’m certain that I will have similar struggles again and again, but I also have trust and faith in myself to become the slave that Daddy desires. It takes time, effort, humility, thoughtfulness, and love. I am grateful for the opportunity to commit all of those things to my Daddy.

Some say that it’s unacceptable behavior. Others say that it’s a bad idea. Still more look at it in disdain.

Not him.

He allows me a space to behave unacceptably and he just happens to find that to be preferable. He is the best bad idea that I’ve ever taken to. He looks at me with curiosity.

Some say that it’s irreparably broken. Others say that it’s a disaster waiting to happen. Still more think that it’s a freak.

It is.

In his realm my brokenness is beautiful. He is the safe place that I get to go be a disaster. I am his favorite thing to play with, his toy, his broken little freak.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNrKoWG7Cj0

Daddy and I have recently moved to a new aspect of our dynamic and it is a beginning step towards our ultimate goals. I am no longer allowed to ask for orgasms, I only take what he gives me when he decides to give it. I asked for this!

My sex drive is wild, and I also really depend on orgasms to maintain my balance emotionally. So me putting that into his hands and trusting that he knows what I need and when I need it and choosing if/when he will provide for those needs is a big deal.

I have tried orgasm control with others in the past and it never worked. I would always disobey. Not only would I disobey but I’d also feel indignation. I would think things like “How dare someone think so highly of themselves that they think they can decide what I need?!” Or “This is so stupid and nothing but an ego trip.” Add to that, I never really felt like anyone that I played with knew me well enough, understood my body, or even really gave a fuck about my emotional balance. It was very nearly a hard limit for me, giving over that control. I kept trying though because I found it to be challenging and fun, seeing how long I could make it before I disobeyed was like a fun little game, but I always knew that when *I* wanted it, I’d just disobey and that’s that.

It took Daddy about 12 weeks of constant work to get me to even start considering being a good girl. Add to that another 5 or so to get me to want and need to be a good girl, and to see that I really do trust him with it, I really want him to be the one that chooses now. Granted, I have only gone two weeks without intentionally disobeying, but it feels different now.

I don’t feel like I had anything taken from me, I feel like I have had something given to me. What he has given me is his trust, and a space to exercise the trust that I now feel for him. It has grown so much over the months, and it will only continue to grow.

It has only been a couple of days of trying this, but it hasn’t been hard like before. I’m not having those feelings like it’s stupid, unreasonable, unrealistic, or thoughtless. This time, I feel what I can only describe as a sense of wholeness and a sense of gratitude.

I’m grateful that he cares enough about me to control me, I m grateful that he has given me a way to please and satisfy him, I’m grateful that he spent real time and effort in learning me, I’m grateful that I can trust him with something that I feel is very important to my life balance. I’m also grateful that he didn’t say “Do this” and immediately expect me to be able to, he gave me what I needed to be able to do it first. Then he waited until I came to him and until it was my choice to give it to him.

Well played, Daddy.

Sadism and masochism are often misunderstood because there are so many different variations of it. For some it may be something that they engage in with play partners to feel a sense of power, for others it may be purely about punishment, and for still more it may be the novelty of the experience. I can’t speak for those people but I can speak about what it means to us. For Daddy and I, it is an expression of and avenue to intimacy.

The dance between a true sadist and masochist is intricate, intoxicating, and at all times interesting. I’m going to be leaving emotional play out of this because that’s a whole blog in and of itself. I am particularly speaking about my personal experiences with physical pain.

When I met my first Dominant, a sadist, back in the early 2000’s I had no idea that I was a masochist. Looking back, yes the signs were always there but I was young and lacking knowledge so I didn’t recognize it for what it was. He hurt me in a multitude of ways, and I deeply struggled with this. I couldn’t understand why I kept going back to see him for sessions, and why I would say never again and then two weeks later I’d be ringing him up. This lack of understanding of my nature, lack of knowledge about the lifestyle, and lack of valuable leadership on his part led me to ultimately ending the year long relationship and walking completely away from the lifestyle for 12 years.

From that 12 year point it has now been another 5 or 6 years, and I have had my fair share of experiences, some good and some bad. I also spent time learning about myself, learning about what makes a healthy dynamic, and learning the influences behind masochism. And we can’t forget that addictive little thing called sub space.

I learned not to be ashamed of what I am, and to value myself enough to accept that this is part of what makes me, me. I also learned that what I have to give is quite special and that whoever I give myself to needs to realize that along with the fun comes a responsibility to dedicate himself to our dynamic. The responsibility that he takes on is essential to maintaining the balance required to live this lifestyle, engage in some very deep edge play, and come out on the other side safe and sound.

When Daddy hurts me I feel absolute love and appreciation towards him and also coming from him. The intimacy that we share through experiencing pain together is like no other, and we are symbiotic in the way that each of us needs and provides for the other. He handles me carefully and skillfully while truly putting thoughtfulness behind every action. I rely on him to cultivate and shape my needs into what he wants and I rely on him to bring me back away from the edges that we skirt, never allowing me to topple over. He is my foundation, he is my source of joy, he is my future. He is my sadist.

Thank you for Daddy for all that you are, for all that you provide, and for allowing me to relinquish everything that I am into your capable hands.