You know the rules.
1. get a mouthful of something carbonated or whatever.
2. play the audio.
3. Let us know if you spit or swallow!
ALERT ALERT! Don't read the comments before you play the audio.
You know the rules.
1. get a mouthful of something carbonated or whatever.
2. play the audio.
3. Let us know if you spit or swallow!
ALERT ALERT! Don't read the comments before you play the audio.
You know the rules.
1. get a mouthful of something carbonated or whatever.
2. play the audio.
3. Let us know if you spit or swallow!
ALERT ALERT! Don't read the comments before you play the audio.
Wheeee!
The rules are simple.
1. get a mouthful of something carbonated or whatever.
2. play the audio.
3. Let us know if you spit or swallow!
Wheeee!
It is June 8th, isn't it. Okay here are the rules.
1. go to the kitchen and come back with a mouth full of soda or seltzer.
2. Press the play button and listen to my joke
3. Wait 5 seconds after the punch line before swallowing.
Tell us how you did in the comments.
Because, that's what we do now.
The latest (and last free) chapter of B.E.
Blame Games
And He said: 'Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?'
And the man said: 'The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.'
And God said unto the woman: 'What is this thou hast done?' And the woman said: 'The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.'
Genesis: 3:11-13
Eve lay with Adam on a bed of soft grass, their legs intertwined. They had been vigorous with each other, and she was pleasantly exhausted. Adam was fast asleep. Some of the strength had faded from his member, but she could still feel its heat on her thigh. She placed a soft hand over it. It throbbed against her cool skin. Slowly, she let her fingers trail ever so lightly against the shaft. Adam jerked a little, and moaned in response. Eve grinned, enjoying the effect she had on her husband, even as he slumbered. She lowered herself so that her face almost touched his manhood. It grew heavier in her hand. Even now it is growing.
'My touch and breath are like water.'
Adam’s cock fascinated her, for it had its own cycle. Like the tides, it breathed, withdrawing and then surging forward. So unlike the Serpent. Her Serpent’s cock was constant. Always large, hard. It did not need Eve’s mouth, touch or womanhood to grow, though it was obvious it thrived on such things. Eve rested her lips against the head, eliciting another sleepy moan from Adam. She felt his hand on the back of her neck, but there was no urgency there. None of the control or demand that flowed like blood through her Serpent.
The memories of Serpent’s touch stirred her. Eve slowly ran her tongue over Adam’s shaft. He was hard now, and she took pleasure of the feel of him against her mouth. But it was the Serpent she saw when she closed her eyes.
I am addicted to the pleasures of Serpent, she silently confessed.
The taste of the forbidden fruit held still its potency on Eve’s tongue. She unconsciously licked her lips, and stopped toying with Adam’s cock. For the first time in human history, Eve frowned. The memory of the first bite was still sweet, but there was something else as well; for a bitterness also lingered. And Eve knew guilt and shame, for that was the bitter aftertaste of the forbidden fruit.
Even in her shame, however, she yearned for pleasure. She touched herself, and her fingers wet with the seed of Adam and the Serpent mixed with her own pleasure.
Eve blushed. It had felt so good at the time. The three of them sucking the heat out of each other. She remembered things she had said and things whispered in her ear, and the blush deepened. Her touch became more urgent and she could feel herself becoming lost again.
She moaned softly at the memory of Serpent’s rough scaled hands on her hips, driving himself into her while Adam took her mouth; the tension between control and surrender almost too intense to bear. And the things Serpent said. Terrible things that should have driven Adam mad with rage, not lust.
The earth trembled. Eve began to touch herself in earnest. She closed her eyes, but tears escaped, leaving her face salty and damp.
As above, so below.
The ground shook again. Eve again put her mouth on Adam’s cock, taking it deeper and gently squeezing the shaft with her other hand. She found comfort in the spongy hardness of it.
Thrum.
The Lord walks the Garden, she thought, eyes still closed, face still moist.
Adam raised his hips, seeking to bury himself further in her mouth. Eve took him all in. That first day, when Serpent had held the fruit to her lips, with his warm breath on her neck, his words were spoken by the touch of his tongue on her skin. And after she had eaten, when she was shaking on the ground, legs pushed apart, hips pulled tight against him, when everything in and around her vibrated with pleasure; even then was there an aftertaste? A Bitterness? She couldn’t be sure but she thought there might have been.
Adam’s cock was using her mouth with urgency now. His hand gripped the back of her neck and his hips moved in desperate rhythm. Eve’s fingers matched his pace, and they were both moaning.
Had Serpent known what would follow? She thought so. Did it matter? No. It does not matter because I love him. He is dark, demanding. There is sickness in him. He is not good. But I love him.
She continued to work her mouth over Adam’s cock. He was close now and she could taste the foreshadow of his climax. Her Adam. She would never love him the same way she did Serpent. She would pretend if she had to. But Adam, as good as he was, was not what she needed. He was not enough.
Adam moaned and his hand held Eve’s face against him.
But why? Did not our world pulse with pleasure before? A different pleasure to be sure. Less intense, maybe, but it had been everywhere. There had been no room given to doubts or pain. Or guilt. Before, all was. Now, all was conflict. The Serpent made her feel bad, shame. Sometimes he hurt her, diminished her. Eve’s excitement increased with this last thought and she began pushing against her fingers with abandon. Her soul became lost as small shocks shot through her and the taste of Adam flooded her mouth.
Thrum.
“The Lord walks the Garden, husband.” Eve opened her eyes, as did Adam. She noticed then the light in his eyes. It was different than what she had grown accustomed to. It was the color of desire and shame, and it shone bright. Is that same light in my eyes? She wondered. Yes, I am certain it is. Just as I know I will never find such light in Serpent’s eyes.
“Let him come. Let him watch, as you said.” Adam chuckled. He reached out and pinched Eve’s breast, causing a small wave of both pleasure and pain to wash over her. She removed his hand.
“You are still drunk from your first taste of the fruit,” she spoke softly. Be still, and let me speak when” –
“WHERE ARE THOU? WHY DO YOU HIDE FROM ME?”
Eve closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. “We are here.”
God was there before she finished speaking. He had a way of being elsewhere, walking somewhere and being everywhere all at once. Eve was surprised she had forgotten that.
“YOU ARE CLOTHED. YOU ATE FROM THE TREE.”
Sadness.
“It was the woman,” Adam said. "She told me the fruit was good and would not kill me. So I ate it. She was right.”
Eve sighed. There was probably nothing she could have said that would change anything, but Adam’s words would not help things. And they hurt her, despite their truth. He is quick to direct God’s wrath on me. My husband. My helpmate.
“SHE WAS NOT RIGHT.”
Now Eve knew fear. Fear of her Lord. There had been no fear before, not even a word for it. Another of Serpent’s gifts. Now here it was and Eve had named it. Adam had named all the beasts, fruits, and trees of the Garden. Eve would name all the darker fruits of the soul – Fear, Desire, Lust, Shame.
“It was the Serpent,” she whispered, knowing it would make no difference. Knowing their fate had been sealed. For the first time, Eve began to hate the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. “He told me the fruit was good. And I did taste it. And I did not die.” She stopped, afraid to finish her thought. You told me it was death. You lied, Lord. But of course, Lord God knew her thoughts. Knew all that she desired to keep hidden.
“I DO NOT LIE. YOU TOOK WHAT WAS NOT TO BE TAKEN. I WILL NOT TAKE IT BACK.”
Adam smiled, not understanding. But Eve understood, maybe because she had more time to understand, to digest what the fruit offered. She understood, and she did not smile.We did not take the fruit, she realized. We paid for it.
“YOU CHOSE TO HIDE FROM ME. NOW AND AFTER, I WILL HIDE FROM YOU, AS I WILL HIDE THIS GARDEN. YOUR DAYS WILL BE FILLED WITH PAIN AND WITH LONGING TO RETURN TO WHAT IS LOST.”
Eve was crying freely now. Her tears were the smallest deposit on a debt that would never be repaid.
“MAN WILL FOREVER TOIL AND NOTHING SHALL BE GIVEN BUT THROUGH LABOR. WOMAN, YOU WILL OBEY YOUR HUSBAND IN ALL THINGS, AND YOUR PAIN SHALL ALSO COME FROM LABOR.”
Eve tried to stand and failed. At some point, Serpent had appeared at her side and she felt its hand encircle her waist. It was a comfort. And then it was gone. Serpent was thrown to the ground and withered there.
“SERPENT, YOU SHALL FOREVER CRAWL ON THE GROUND, THE LOWEST OF BEASTS, DEPSIED.”
Eve cried out and began to run toward Serpent. “Do not do this!”
“FOR ALL TIME, THERE SHALL BE ENIMITY BETWEEN WOMAN AND SERPENT. SERPENT WILL BITE AT HER HEEL, AND HER FOOT SHALL CRUSH ITS HEAD.”
Eve fell backward, thrown to the ground by revulsion. Before her, Serpent screamed. Its arms and legs withered and fell. Serpent rolled on the grass, hissing. It was hateful thing in Eve’s eyes now.
Always. It was always a hateful thing, she realized.
“DEATH YOU WILL ALL HAVE, AS PROMISED. THE TREE OF LIFE AND ALL THE GARDEN IS CLOSED TO YOU.”
Because we are weeds. Eve took Adam’s hand. They were different now. They were truly separate. We knew each other before. Now we are strangers. Even before she finished the thought, the Garden became less than a memory.
Another chapter of B.E.
The Heart Wants
Let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.
- John 4:7
Eve lay on her back, staring at the marbled sky. The fig leaf Adam had given her lay at her feet. Wearing it felt strange on her flesh and made her itch. She only wore it when Adam was near, or if they heard God walking in the woods. Here, alone with Serpent, she preferred the feel of fresh grass and cool breeze to dried leaf.
Something new had blossomed in the Garden, though Eve had no name for it. To her, it felt like the thought of dusk at midday, and seasoned all her thoughts of late. It was an unwelcome guest, yet she did not chide herself for tasting the fruit. She saw now that she was but a child before, little more than a sketch of what she had become. She knew that there was still a price to be paid, but innocence, like knowledge, had come with its own price, and Eve was satisfied to trade the one for the other. Still, the feeling of wrongness worried at her.
Or maybe it isn’t me. Maybe it’s this place that feels wrong.
She turned and kissed Serpent’s neck, drawing out a sleepy murmur. His hand seemed to wake on its own and gently stroked the back of her neck. She kissed him again, marveling in how different his skin felt on her lips. Where Adam was smooth and cool, her serpent felt rough and warm, somehow more responsive to her touch.
She loved Adam, but she felt more alive with Serpent.
“I love you.”
“And what about Adam” Serpent teased?
Eve propped herself on an elbow and gently pinched his thigh.
“Ow!”
“That is not a proper response. I am the only woman in all creation, and you hesitate to speak soft words to me!”
Serpent laughed and drew Eve in to his arms. “Your love is returned, never doubt that.” He kissed her in such a way as to remove any such doubt. He moved his hand to the back of her head, entwining her silken hair through his fingers.
“Though ill-timed, the question remains true. What of Adam?”
Eve sighed. “He is aware that we have been intimate. How could he not?”
She felt Serpent’s other hand glide gently across over her skin. Eve shivered with delight and gooseflesh dotted her taught breasts.
“I see that I am not the only cunning creature in the garden,” Serpent mused. “You answer but avoid my question’s intent.”
“I love Adam. How could I not? He is flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone. I love you both.”
She closed her eyes, enjoying the attentions of his hand, and felt her nipples harden with anticipation. His touch was stronger, more sure, than her Adam’s. With Adam, they were partners in everything, and always he invited participation. Serpent was not a partner. There were moments like now when they spoke as equals, but these were the between times – a respite before they resumed their true natures. Serpent demanded surrender and Eve granted it. The pleasures of submission had their appeal.
Serpent half sat, half slid up against a tree, so that Eve found herself resting in his lap. His hands moved to the back of her head.
“I should go to him. I have hidden here too long with you.”
Serpent sighed. “I do not think I like the idea of sharing you. Let him yet wait for your company.” He gently pushed her head against his lap. Eve murmured something unintelligible, even to her, but did not protest. Her lips brushed against the head of his cock, and she felt it twitch. She kissed it then, letting her tongue dart out and lick the tip. He tasted of rosehip and dusk. It was not unpleasant.
“You did not seem to mind sharing me before.” Eve’s tongue slid along his shaft. Serpent sucked in his breath, making a soft hissing sound. “Or do you forget how you used my mouth, while Adam and I became one flesh?” she teased.
Serpent’s hands increased their pressure on the back of Eve’s neck, but still she withheld his prize, making sure her lips and tongue were never idle in their light touch. Serpent arched his hips, attempting to take full advantage of her mouth.
“I remember.” The words came soft and drawn out, keeping pace with her gliding tongue. “Sharing the pleasures of flesh has its own thrill, and I would seek it often. My greed lies in sharing your heart, something I would not willingly do.”
Eve felt fingers sliding into her. She was surprised at how ready she was for this. Her lips parted in pleasure and Serpent pressed his advantage. Eve surrendered with enthusiasm. She let his cock glide into her mouth, and felt him gently use her face. Having Serpent in her mouth gave her as much pleasure as having his fingers slide in her.
Almost.
She pushed herself against his hand and moaned softly on his cock. Lust, hot and delicious, raced through her body, and she began to meet Serpent’s thrusts with her mouth, greedy for the taste and feel of him. And his fingers, his fingers seemed to be everywhere.
She grabbed the shaft with her hand, both to increase his pleasure and to prevent him from pushing too hard in his desire. She covered his hand with hers, forcing his fingers to adopt the rhythm she desired.
Suddenly Eve cried out in need, as fingers slid away and Serpent’s beautiful manhood was taken from her mouth. Before she could protest, however, she found herself facing her lover, legs straddling his waist.
Strong hands encircled her waist and manipulated her into position.
“You will love me. No other.” Serpent held her there, suspended inches above his straining cock. His breath was labored but not, Eve suspected, from the physical effort of holding her.
“No,” she panted. “Now take me, cunning creature.”
Still he held her inches from her desire. Eve heard herself mewling with need.
“You love only me.”
“No.”
“Only me.”
“No.”
“Only me.”
Serpent let her fall on his cock, and Eve screamed as she sank down, feeling him grind against her.
He lifted her again, until only the tip remained inside her.
“Only me.”
She felt him enter again. Again, she shook with pleasure.
“No,” she moaned.
Pleasure thrummed through her like the word of God and Eve started screaming.
Again she was lifted. Again she sank down into the basest pleasures.
“Only me.”
“No.”
At some point, Eve felt sharp little teeth on her neck. She didn’t care. She rose, she fell. She screamed. Pleasure seemed to pour from both Serpent’s cock and his mouth. It went on forever. There was no rest; no Sabbath here. Orgasm followed orgasm, each reviving and destroying her.
“Yes.”