Musings of a submissive

don't come to me with those words-

you know just what I love to hear

& you know just how to say it

but you didn't want the job-

you just wanted the paycheck

sorry... the position has been filled

I saw the wolf again today.  It had been a while since he last came sniffing around the garden.  He had changed a little.  His marks were a little more faded, the silver at his throat a little wider, but it was him; I couldn’t forget those eyes.  What is it about wolves that intrigue us? The danger? The wild abandon?  

I had let this one get close months ago.  Mesmerized by the sounds he made, the feelings he stirred in me.  I found myself sneaking out at night just to get a glimpse of him.  The erotic dance of circling one another, almost touching then backing away.  Oh, he was a tease, this wolf.  In the past his howl would bring me running, drawing me like a magnet.  Always letting me get just so close before backing away, yet never taking his eyes away from mine.  Never touching yet never letting me go.

He howls once more; my breath catches in my throat, my heart races, and then...

My Mastiff stands in the doorway waiting for me... I smile... my heart melts.  My sweet boy.  

He comes and puts one paw on my arm.  I know what he wants.  Leaning down across his back, I wrap my arms around him, resting my cheek on his back while I rub his belly and say…

“Who’s mommy’s good boy?”

He loves me unconditionally. He protects me. He understands me. He is strong...solid...beautiful.

The Wolf is beautiful too,  but elusive.  He is like vapor that dissipates in the morning sun, and he cannot be trusted.

This is a song by Chris McClarney and the lyrics perfectly describe how I am feeling right now.

Breakthrough

There must be more
Beyond familiar shores
Into waters unexplored
 

This one desire
Stirring here in me
Deep is calling out to deep
 

 Take me from where I’ve been
 Into something new
 I’m giving up control
 I need a breakthrough
 All of my dreams and fears
 Are crashing into You
 You’re waking up my hope
 You are my breakthrough
  
 Your love, so wild
Conquers my defenses
Opens the impossible
 It’s so amazing
 How you take the ashes
 And turn them into beautiful
 

 Take me from where I’ve been
 Into something new
 I’m giving up control
 I need a breakthrough
 All of my dreams and fears
 Are crashing into You
 You’re waking up my hope
 You are my breakthrough

 You’re making all things new
 You’re making all things new
 It’s what You always do
 You are my breakthrough

No matter where we come from, we all have baggage and regrets.  We need that breakthrough, we need to feel new.  Our past may have brought us here, but it doesn't have to define us; it doesn't have to be where we settle; sometimes we hold on so tight to our past that we miss what's right in front of us.  For some of us, the horrible mess that we know is more comfortable than taking that step into the unknown, even though we know it is better than where we are.

There are so many degrees in all the categories of fetishes.  When we are asked to list our hard limits they can sometimes be vague and we think we are in tune with a potential partner when we aren't.  This is what I wrote in my journal; although I wrote it down to clear up some things for myself initially, it was shared with my Dom.  I have my toes dipped in a lot of fetish pools, but I am not immersed in any specific one, and this list solidified that.

So tonight I wanted to go through and list things that I like or would like to try

1.  Age play-  I would like to be bathed and read to, my hair brushed...and do the same to you.  
2.  Bondage- not trussed up like you are a cowboy at a rodeo, but…well...maybe...
3.  Breathplay- not shut off my air supply, but I love when you firmly grasp me by my neck
4.  Foot fetish- foot rub, paint my toenails...I would love to wash your feet and give you a foot massage
5.  Gagging- it's ok to push deeper.  If I think I'm about to lose consciousness due to lack of oxygen, I will do something to get your attention
6.  Humiliation- call me your slut in bed, make me walk around naked when in the house...mild humiliation is a turn on.
7.  Impact play- I’m up for anything except caning or punching...this includes spanking, whips, floggers, paddling, light smacking, crops...just keep it to the T and A areas (thighs are ok as well) no permanent marks and never forget the aftercare.  
8.  Japanese Bondage takes a lot of time, but I am willing to try it if you are
9.  Lactation- ANR
10.  Rimming- I would try with you but with frequent wash breaks or dental dam 
11.  Roleplay- too many scenarios to mention in this list
 12.  Rough Sex- take me but don’t torture me
13.  Sensation Play/Deprivation  The Wartenberg Wheel could fall in this category
14.  The Submission Poses
15.  All types of Vibrating Toys
16.  Voyeurism-   not watching others, but watching you masturbate and cum, being able to watch us.
17.  Wax play- I would love to try the massage candles (the ones that when they get hot turn into massage oil) and using the special candles for sex play where the wax won’t get too hot

By knowing exactly what I like/want/need, my Dom is better able to reward, punish, and grow me in this area.  As our relationship evolves so will this list.

Blessed beyond measure is the master who's submissive was free, but willingly chose to submit.

Who knows who she is and gives herself fully to her master in order for her strengths and gifts to be honed and magnified by him while he covers her weaknesses; to benefit him and therefore THEM, because she knows that they are better together, more than they ever could be apart.

This is who she was meant to be.

A true Dom understands the difference between wants and needs.  They protect, guide, and support their submissive.  They hold the power but show mercy.  The submissive feels safe with them and because of this, the desire to please and serve their Dom only grows stronger.

There are many good men out there, but there are many reasons why I love this man of mine and am so grateful he chose me.

1. He is dominant in his own life; he takes care of his responsibilities, so I can trust him to take care of me.
2. He may be a relatively new Dom, but he does his research and takes his role seriously.
3. He makes sure that all our issues or concerns are addressed and resolved before we go to bed.
4. He supports all areas of our relationship, not just the sexual aspects.
5. He always makes sure that our rituals, routines, and rules are working for us and growing us as a couple; if they are not, we talk about what isn’t working and adjust.
6. He always makes sure that I know how much he values and cherishes me.
7. He makes my life better just for knowing him.
8. He is authentic, caring, and considerate to everyone.  
9. He earned my respect before he ever asked to be called my dom.

In high school, I was a size 7 when the other girls strove to be a size 2.  J Lo hadn't yet made booty something to be desired, and the Kardashian's were still sweet and innocent.  Strategically hiding my wobbly bits, they only became more pronounced over the years, and I could only blame baby weight for so long.

Along comes my Dom.  He loves all my wobbly bits.  He runs his hands up my body, stretch marks and all, and like a cat, I purr in pure delight.  I lay beside him, my left leg stretching along his right, my right leg brought up to go over his chest in order for every inch of the front of my body to touch his.  With just a slight adjustment I can feel the friction of the hair on his thigh on my damp center.  I run my hands through his chest hair and close my eyes reveling in the feel of his beard on my breast.  With my right hand, I run my fingers through his hair, over his face...memorizing the scent and feel of this man who loves me just the way I am. 

Please keep the lights on Sir.

Am I too needy or is it just the normal early relationship jitters?

Have I kept my personal Identity? I am still very opinionated and don’t capitulate to everything he says, we just happen to agree on a lot of points.  I do want to spend a lot of time with him, but I am okay with independent time as well.  I know who I am, and while I am a sub, I am also a mother, sister, daughter, teacher, friend.  That is not going to change.

Explosive arguments- we have never had a heated argument over nothing...we have never had a heated argument period.  I trust my Dom.  I may worry or stress, that is something I do about a lot of things, but I don’t tend to overreact.  Although I must admit a bit of passionate discussion does tend to turn me on.

I don’t over-text (I don’t think) I don’t keep texting until I get a response, but if I find something amusing or that I think he would be interested in I will share it then so  I don’t forget about it or just want to let him know I am thinking about him; I don’t expect a response or dialogue right then and there.

I think I have a healthy level of jealousy but I don’t ever want it to cause me to try to control him or go bat-shit crazy on him.

I miss him when we are apart but we still have our own lives to lead.  We have different hobbies and friendships along with those that we do share.  I do like that we have a group of “couple friends”, although I am new to this group and not as active with them as I would like.  This is healthy. Along with this, I did get into a little funk when we don’t Skype at the end of the day.  Well, it did just happen once so far...lol...but I wasn’t falling onto my bed sobbing and it didn’t send me spiraling into depression.  If that happens, I will know that I need to put a little more focus on me as an individual and not as part of a unit.

I admit to scoping things out on social media at the beginning (# stalking), but I don’t feel that I need to know everything that is said to him or by him to other women.  I trust that he will share important information with me.  For myself, I have chosen to share all communication from other males with him, especially those whom I’ve had a deeper connection with in the past.  I want to be transparent and I never want him to have a moment's doubt about my level of commitment to him. 

When someone is needy and insecure, they can attach themselves to someone way too fast.  I tend to do this, but is it because I am needy or because I let my emotions drive the bus?  We did move fast, we had a contract and I was collared one week after we decided to make this a relationship.  In my defense, I had been reading his blogs and comments for months and already liked him as a person, it wasn’t difficult to take that next step towards something deeper, it just felt right.  I never felt like I had to do anything to get him or keep him.

So, other than a few personal issues I need to work on (but don’t we all) I’m not as needy as I thought I was. 

Letting go of someone who is not good for you (for whatever reason) can be hard, whether it is an ex or a friend; that’s where I am in regards to a male friend.  It’s not that he is a bad person or was a bad friend, but our friendship is not going to be good for my relationship with my Dom in the long run.  I thought that if we kept it platonic that we could keep what we had, but I was mistaken.

Growing up my best friends had usually been boys, with the exception of two.  I have never been one that could deal with the drama and games that come with typical female friendships.  I got to an age where my best friends were getting married or in serious relationships, and our dynamic had to change; it made me sad and a bit angry then, but I understand it more clearly now. The inside jokes and history that we had, while platonic, were sometimes threatening to their romantic partner; our adventures had to come to an end, and let's face it, there is a reason they say “three is a crowd” (in the platonic friend vs romantic partner triad).

Things that were said in silly fun with my friend now take on a new meaning.  I tried, with my partner’s full support, to try to keep the friendship alive with some clearly defined boundaries, but it just wasn't happening, and so the time has come to let it (the friendship) go. My feelings for my friend haven’t changed, I still care about him very much, but I need to end it now so that the memories of our friendship remain happy and wistful instead of corroded by anger and regret.

No one should be forced to give up their friendships when they are in a relationship, but those friendships will invariably evolve, and sometimes we have to be willing to sacrifice our friendship in order for the relationship with our partner to move forward.  

Someone once told me that throughout our life, there will be friendships that last forever, but there will also be those people that are meant to be with us for just a brief period of time.  Looking at it that way, it was never about sacrifice, it was just about a friendship that had run its course.

All my life I have tended to avoid confrontation in my relationships, trying to not rock the boat.  It was ingrained in me at a young age, I spent my childhood walking on eggshells, not wanting to incur my mother’s wrath, or disrupt my father’s schedule in any way. 

I don’t want that kind of relationship.  I want to be able to speak my mind without fear, to share my thoughts without being made to feel insignificant.  I need to learn how to fight with my partner in such a way that brings us together and not drive us apart.

So, in typical PawPawGirl style, I began researching.  Actually, it is very simple. No matter where I looked, they all had the same thing to say;

1.  It’s ok to disagree, question, get upset
2.  Discussion is not the same as dialogue...both partners get a chance to speak with the goal of resolving an issue (discussion)
3.  Listen to understand when the other is speaking...don't listen to speak.
4.  Ask clarifying questions
5.  Paraphrase what they said to make sure you understand
6.  Be willing to compromise

Hmmm.  If these steps have been successful for Adaptive Schools,  in business and personal relationships...the world at large really needs to wake up and get a clue.  

This blog took a broader scope than I had originally planned.  Sorry...not sorry.