Musings of a submissive

There are so many degrees in all the categories of fetishes.  When we are asked to list our hard limits they can sometimes be vague and we think we are in tune with a potential partner when we aren't.  This is what I wrote in my journal; although I wrote it down to clear up some things for myself initially, it was shared with my Dom.  I have my toes dipped in a lot of fetish pools, but I am not immersed in any specific one, and this list solidified that.

So tonight I wanted to go through and list things that I like or would like to try

1.  Age play-  I would like to be bathed and read to, my hair brushed...and do the same to you.  
2.  Bondage- not trussed up like you are a cowboy at a rodeo, but…well...maybe...
3.  Breathplay- not shut off my air supply, but I love when you firmly grasp me by my neck
4.  Foot fetish- foot rub, paint my toenails...I would love to wash your feet and give you a foot massage
5.  Gagging- it's ok to push deeper.  If I think I'm about to lose consciousness due to lack of oxygen, I will do something to get your attention
6.  Humiliation- call me your slut in bed, make me walk around naked when in the house...mild humiliation is a turn on.
7.  Impact play- I’m up for anything except caning or punching...this includes spanking, whips, floggers, paddling, light smacking, crops...just keep it to the T and A areas (thighs are ok as well) no permanent marks and never forget the aftercare.  
8.  Japanese Bondage takes a lot of time, but I am willing to try it if you are
9.  Lactation- ANR
10.  Rimming- I would try with you but with frequent wash breaks or dental dam 
11.  Roleplay- too many scenarios to mention in this list
 12.  Rough Sex- take me but don’t torture me
13.  Sensation Play/Deprivation  The Wartenberg Wheel could fall in this category
14.  The Submission Poses
15.  All types of Vibrating Toys
16.  Voyeurism-   not watching others, but watching you masturbate and cum, being able to watch us.
17.  Wax play- I would love to try the massage candles (the ones that when they get hot turn into massage oil) and using the special candles for sex play where the wax won’t get too hot

By knowing exactly what I like/want/need, my Dom is better able to reward, punish, and grow me in this area.  As our relationship evolves so will this list.

Blessed beyond measure is the master who's submissive was free, but willingly chose to submit.

Who knows who she is and gives herself fully to her master in order for her strengths and gifts to be honed and magnified by him while he covers her weaknesses; to benefit him and therefore THEM, because she knows that they are better together, more than they ever could be apart.

This is who she was meant to be.

A true Dom understands the difference between wants and needs.  They protect, guide, and support their submissive.  They hold the power but show mercy.  The submissive feels safe with them and because of this, the desire to please and serve their Dom only grows stronger.

There are many good men out there, but there are many reasons why I love this man of mine and am so grateful he chose me.

1. He is dominant in his own life; he takes care of his responsibilities, so I can trust him to take care of me.
2. He may be a relatively new Dom, but he does his research and takes his role seriously.
3. He makes sure that all our issues or concerns are addressed and resolved before we go to bed.
4. He supports all areas of our relationship, not just the sexual aspects.
5. He always makes sure that our rituals, routines, and rules are working for us and growing us as a couple; if they are not, we talk about what isn’t working and adjust.
6. He always makes sure that I know how much he values and cherishes me.
7. He makes my life better just for knowing him.
8. He is authentic, caring, and considerate to everyone.  
9. He earned my respect before he ever asked to be called my dom.

In high school, I was a size 7 when the other girls strove to be a size 2.  J Lo hadn't yet made booty something to be desired, and the Kardashian's were still sweet and innocent.  Strategically hiding my wobbly bits, they only became more pronounced over the years, and I could only blame baby weight for so long.

Along comes my Dom.  He loves all my wobbly bits.  He runs his hands up my body, stretch marks and all, and like a cat, I purr in pure delight.  I lay beside him, my left leg stretching along his right, my right leg brought up to go over his chest in order for every inch of the front of my body to touch his.  With just a slight adjustment I can feel the friction of the hair on his thigh on my damp center.  I run my hands through his chest hair and close my eyes reveling in the feel of his beard on my breast.  With my right hand, I run my fingers through his hair, over his face...memorizing the scent and feel of this man who loves me just the way I am. 

Please keep the lights on Sir.

Am I too needy or is it just the normal early relationship jitters?

Have I kept my personal Identity? I am still very opinionated and don’t capitulate to everything he says, we just happen to agree on a lot of points.  I do want to spend a lot of time with him, but I am okay with independent time as well.  I know who I am, and while I am a sub, I am also a mother, sister, daughter, teacher, friend.  That is not going to change.

Explosive arguments- we have never had a heated argument over nothing...we have never had a heated argument period.  I trust my Dom.  I may worry or stress, that is something I do about a lot of things, but I don’t tend to overreact.  Although I must admit a bit of passionate discussion does tend to turn me on.

I don’t over-text (I don’t think) I don’t keep texting until I get a response, but if I find something amusing or that I think he would be interested in I will share it then so  I don’t forget about it or just want to let him know I am thinking about him; I don’t expect a response or dialogue right then and there.

I think I have a healthy level of jealousy but I don’t ever want it to cause me to try to control him or go bat-shit crazy on him.

I miss him when we are apart but we still have our own lives to lead.  We have different hobbies and friendships along with those that we do share.  I do like that we have a group of “couple friends”, although I am new to this group and not as active with them as I would like.  This is healthy. Along with this, I did get into a little funk when we don’t Skype at the end of the day.  Well, it did just happen once so far...lol...but I wasn’t falling onto my bed sobbing and it didn’t send me spiraling into depression.  If that happens, I will know that I need to put a little more focus on me as an individual and not as part of a unit.

I admit to scoping things out on social media at the beginning (# stalking), but I don’t feel that I need to know everything that is said to him or by him to other women.  I trust that he will share important information with me.  For myself, I have chosen to share all communication from other males with him, especially those whom I’ve had a deeper connection with in the past.  I want to be transparent and I never want him to have a moment's doubt about my level of commitment to him. 

When someone is needy and insecure, they can attach themselves to someone way too fast.  I tend to do this, but is it because I am needy or because I let my emotions drive the bus?  We did move fast, we had a contract and I was collared one week after we decided to make this a relationship.  In my defense, I had been reading his blogs and comments for months and already liked him as a person, it wasn’t difficult to take that next step towards something deeper, it just felt right.  I never felt like I had to do anything to get him or keep him.

So, other than a few personal issues I need to work on (but don’t we all) I’m not as needy as I thought I was. 

Letting go of someone who is not good for you (for whatever reason) can be hard, whether it is an ex or a friend; that’s where I am in regards to a male friend.  It’s not that he is a bad person or was a bad friend, but our friendship is not going to be good for my relationship with my Dom in the long run.  I thought that if we kept it platonic that we could keep what we had, but I was mistaken.

Growing up my best friends had usually been boys, with the exception of two.  I have never been one that could deal with the drama and games that come with typical female friendships.  I got to an age where my best friends were getting married or in serious relationships, and our dynamic had to change; it made me sad and a bit angry then, but I understand it more clearly now. The inside jokes and history that we had, while platonic, were sometimes threatening to their romantic partner; our adventures had to come to an end, and let's face it, there is a reason they say “three is a crowd” (in the platonic friend vs romantic partner triad).

Things that were said in silly fun with my friend now take on a new meaning.  I tried, with my partner’s full support, to try to keep the friendship alive with some clearly defined boundaries, but it just wasn't happening, and so the time has come to let it (the friendship) go. My feelings for my friend haven’t changed, I still care about him very much, but I need to end it now so that the memories of our friendship remain happy and wistful instead of corroded by anger and regret.

No one should be forced to give up their friendships when they are in a relationship, but those friendships will invariably evolve, and sometimes we have to be willing to sacrifice our friendship in order for the relationship with our partner to move forward.  

Someone once told me that throughout our life, there will be friendships that last forever, but there will also be those people that are meant to be with us for just a brief period of time.  Looking at it that way, it was never about sacrifice, it was just about a friendship that had run its course.

All my life I have tended to avoid confrontation in my relationships, trying to not rock the boat.  It was ingrained in me at a young age, I spent my childhood walking on eggshells, not wanting to incur my mother’s wrath, or disrupt my father’s schedule in any way. 

I don’t want that kind of relationship.  I want to be able to speak my mind without fear, to share my thoughts without being made to feel insignificant.  I need to learn how to fight with my partner in such a way that brings us together and not drive us apart.

So, in typical PawPawGirl style, I began researching.  Actually, it is very simple. No matter where I looked, they all had the same thing to say;

1.  It’s ok to disagree, question, get upset
2.  Discussion is not the same as dialogue...both partners get a chance to speak with the goal of resolving an issue (discussion)
3.  Listen to understand when the other is speaking...don't listen to speak.
4.  Ask clarifying questions
5.  Paraphrase what they said to make sure you understand
6.  Be willing to compromise

Hmmm.  If these steps have been successful for Adaptive Schools,  in business and personal relationships...the world at large really needs to wake up and get a clue.  

This blog took a broader scope than I had originally planned.  Sorry...not sorry.

If you have read any of my recent blogs, you have probably already figured out that my Dom is younger than me, significantly. As someone who is past the "it's just a fling" stage, I had some doubts about even jumping into this relationship in the beginning, but I've come to realize that age is really not the problem in a dynamic like ours ...different values, lifestyles, life stages, and poor relationship skills could be. Of course, while all of these things can be the result of one's age, they can also occur because of one’s upbringing, family dynamic, or personal habits.

We don't agree on everything, but we respect each other's point of views.  Iron sharpens iron...I don't want a partner who thinks exactly like me, I want, no I need, to be challenged and stretched mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; I hope that I do the same for him. Our interests intersect and I have learned a lot from him. I never want that part of our life to become stagnant.  I am equal parts sapiosexual and demisexual; He values family, is well-spoken (with help from the swear jar), and is a deep thinker. he is passionate, embraces his emotions but is not led solely by them, and while finding contentment where he is at, he also seeks to stretch and grow.  I admire his dedication to those in his inner circle and consideration of all others.  He is a good man and he brings out the best in me.  

When it comes to the physical, we align there as well.  He loves all my curves and wobbly bits. To be honest, this was a bigger fear for me than even the age.  Silly really, but I remember what my body looked like when I was his age... I was still all T and A, but everything was rounder...tighter.  I worried that our intellectual connection would not be enough.  For me, I am attracted to his dad-bod, and like that he doesn't feel the need to manscape within an inch of his life. I have a wide range of interests when it comes to BDSM and he wants to explore those areas as well.  Fetishes and kinky fantasies are shared and, whenever possible, executed with enthusiasm.

Never have I felt so cherished. While I have had partners who I enjoyed spending time with,  when push came to shove, for the majority of them, it really just boiled down to the physical; I was easily and quickly replaced. I know this man would fight for me if it came down to that. The foundation of our relationship is solid and if anything is a predictor of a successful relationship, it is that.

Someone told me that if age was the only thing holding me back, to just be a Cougar.  Age was the last hurdle, and that has been successfully cleared.

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Odyssey had an article about the 5 things that kill your LDR (Long Distance Relationship) 10/12/15 written by Solange Patterson.  

1. Lack of communication  The writer stressed that conversations need to be about more than “How was your day?” 

I think that my partner and I do pretty well.  I found some compatibility questions and we spent a night going over them.  The other night we watched a movie together and talked before, during, and after...I like to get into deeper philosophical and political discussions and he is always open to that; he always listens to my rants and ramblings as I listen to his. 

2. Unresolved fights  When we have such a short amount of time to spend together in an LDR, we tend to push our disagreements to the side and that can build up over time.  

I get that. I tend to be a stuffer, I don’t say anything and then suddenly it gets to be too much and I erupt.  I need to work on that. My need to reassure and make everything run smoothly can be a big problem in this way because I tend to put aside my feelings which can lead to hurt and frustration.  I have to say that my man never lets me sit on something for too long.  He is always drawing me out, which is just another reason why I am so grateful for him.

3. Infrequent visits  Make sure your significant other is a priority.

Whether you video conference or plan short visits, it is important to put them first as much as possible.  With lives going on in different towns, sometimes different time zones or countries, you need to plan to see each other at least once a month.  If you don’t plan for these times life can get away from you,  and it's easy for the relationship to get lost along the way.

4. Not making time for your S.O.  Sologne Patterson states,” Not having enough time for your partner is one of the main reasons long-distance relationships don't work out, but it's also the most selfish. Think of all the things you do in a day, all the people you talk to, the TV shows you watch, the video games you play, even the time spent doing absolutely nothing. Love requires compromise and sacrifice; if you can't put aside one hour of doing one of these things to make your significant other feel loved and special, then it can't work out.”

The author is correct.  I have a lot of wasted time in my day, there is no reason for me not to have time for my man.  I wouldn't be in this relationship in the first place if I didn't think he and it were worth it.

5. Not trying  The only thing that can ever really kill your relationship is when you stop trying. 

Someone suggested we use the app Love Nudge.  It’s based on the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  It is a great way to help me remember to fill my partner’s love tank and to try to incorporate more things that meet his love language.  The first frenzy we experience in a relationship comes and goes.  Successful, healthy relationships don’t come easy...they take work, but they are worth it.

I got a message from Dom #2 yesterday; he said some things that really upset me, and made me question our whole relationship.  Made me question all my relationships actually.  It all boiled down to it wasn't ME that he missed.  It wasn't ME that he felt a connection to.

I understand that not all relationships, friendship or otherwise, last forever, but there had to be a meeting of the minds, some piece of their soul that touched mine...right?

So I contacted an old flame to see if it had been real.  It was real to me, I don't know what I would have done if it had not been real to him as well.  I cried... I processed... I found my life-lesson metaphor.

We are puzzle pieces, sometimes we get really close to the perfect match, some of the angles or curves match up but not all.  Sometimes all we have in common is our color, or we are both border pieces... That was where I had been going wrong in my previous relationships.  I was trying to put my puzzle together with pieces that did not totally align. That I am a submissive, I have no doubt; that I need a Dom with a firm hand...absolutely, but a relationship is so much more than that.

So thank you Dom #2 and my Italian commander-n-chief.  This has been cathartic for me. 

And to my Renaissance Man...you are my perfect piece.