Journey as a New Submissive

Today’s the day! I’m filled with so much joy and excitement today’s the day I meet him. I pick him up from the airport at noon which is about an 1 and 40 mins away from me. I’m nervous but excited. I spent days figuring out my first outfit and it took me six hours to redye and curl my hair but it’s worth it. I can’t wait to see him my stomach is in knots I have butterfly’s in my throat and I’m pretty sure my heart is going to beat out my chest. I’ve checked his itinerary making sure he still lands at noon line so many times like it’s going to change. I’m off to the airport!

Old Demons

I started back on my weight loss journey two weeks ago; it will always be a slippery slope for me because I suffer from an eating disorder. However I need to get back on track. It’s never easy for me for some odd reason it just like either I eat like complete shit or I over obsess and I eat little to nothing at all. I weighed myself for the first time in months yesterday and I should have stuck to my plan of eating clean and less than 700 calories in a day plus working out for thirty days before I did that. Because I feel myself seeing food as the enemy as a calorie number instead of something to be enjoyed. I fought so hard to get out of that place and never saw myself going back there but I am learning that is easier said than done.

Society helps none though I do not watch a lot of TV but when I do all I see is picture perfect women. Even when I read books no matter what type, the girl in the book is always slender or thin it feeds a false ideology that is very hard to escape. When I was thin, I didn’t have to worry if cloths would fit how a binky would look, I still looked in a mirror and felt huge but I didn’t have to worry about those things. I did however have to worry if my heart would just stop or if my kidneys would fail so I guess that is no better. I just wish this were easier I can feel those voices slowly coming back and I do not like it. 

Do you ever feel like you have so much to offer so much to give but it is kept in an impenetrable vault, that you yourself don’t have the key too? That the terrors of your past are like a shadow keeping you from moving forward. I feel like life is like a puzzle some pieces are big others are small some just fade into the background some are important others are just fillers. But they are all needed to complete the picture. They all are needed for others to be able to see who you are to understand it. When starting a puzzle most people complete the border first it makes it easier to fill in the rest. Some people would say the border is the most important part without it, it makes it hard to complete the puzzle. I don’t know of anyone who starts from the center of a puzzle and works their way out.

So, let’s say the border is our childhood those pieces would be vital to our puzzle. They would be a big part of the picture, what makes us, us. our likes, dislikes, growth, special moments and events. But what if some of those vital pieces the border pieces were missing they held important information but by giving someone that same information those pieces if not cared for properly could cause what was left of the puzzle to come completely undone. But by not giving those pieces you aren’t giving that person all of you. Is that okay? Will that still work? Does the other person even care to have the piece? Will it make or break the relationship?

Some of you may know I have been talking to a Dom I met on here for almost a month we started talking on July 8th and he is coming to see me on the 28th and we will spend two and a half days in one of my favorite and most historical cities Charleston. As that time quickly approaches my mind refuses to stop racing. It not his fault in any way he has been nothing but kind and reassuring. Its me. I am excited and I can’t wait to see him but there is that sense of uncertainty that fear that I will mess up. I have never done anything like this before. Vanilla BDSM or any other kind of dating. Growing up I stayed to myself in high school I had one boyfriend my senior year and the only word to describe that is train wreck. But he is different this is different and as exciting as that is it is also equally terrifying. I am a huge advocate for moving slow getting to know each other you all know I want to know the person favorite color before we even think about moving forward. He has done that we have not only talked on the phone and skyped every day for the past 18 days we have done it for hours. I know so much about him I’m forgetting things information overload. I am not complaining I love listing to his voice, he has seen so much and been to so many places I love when he tells me stories. What I am saying is we couldn’t move any slower we wouldn’t be moving at all if we did. Meeting each other is the next and right step.

So why do I feel so anxious? As someone who suffers from both Anxiety and social anxiety, I rarely have to ask myself why I feel a certain way I often times know and deal with it. But sometimes with Him the emotions are foreign to me and that scares me. Is it okay to be scared? Is that normal? Or is that a warning sign? But warning for what again he is the nicest person I’ve ever met and when we are on the phone sometimes it is complete silence and that is fine he is just there with me and I like that so much. So what is my issue?

Is it that I know eventually if things work out and I can very much so see them working out ill have to give him those pieces? What if I cant? Then what happens? Where do I go from there? I have always protected me since I was five years old giving that to someone in its entirety is terrifying. But there is a lot about things with him that should be terrifying that aren’t. One thing about me is I hate being touched the thought of it sends cold shivers throughout my body. That high school boyfriend I had loved to hold hands and it always took everything in me not to pass out when he took my hand in his. It felt like I was drowning, and each breathe was a battle. But I did it because who can’t simply hold their own boyfriends’ hand? without those puzzle pieces its weird. I have always been that way however even with some family I hated reunions because it hugs upon hugs like why people feel the need to be so touchy. But with him the thought of his hand in mine makes me smile not shiver the thought of hugging him doesn’t cause my blood to run cold. He asked on the phone once if he could hug me when I pick him up from the airport and I said yes without even thinking but I didn’t and don’t regret saying yes. I am happy he is coming I am terrified at the same time and cant put my finger on why overall I am just confused.

I’m am so happy I can barely contain it. I was taking a nap and hear my door bell ring which causes my dog to go bananas. So I wake up and go to the front I’m expecting a book series from Him so I assume that’s what it is, usually the mail man doesn’t ring the door bell but whatever. I go to the door and see a big green box and I’m like huh? Mind you I just woke up from a nap it takes me a minute to get myself together. So I assume it’s for my mom or sister who’s back living home but has a boyfriend. I look for a label to see who it’s addressed to and low and behold it’s me. I’m like huh? I open it and it’s beautiful roses with a lovely note from Him and I glow so brightly. Not only have I never gotten flowers before but they are pink roses. 

10 days 17 hours and 10 minutes.... 

When I was younger I would play this game on the wii with my cousin. Sometimes I still play it. It was Mario Party and it would have mini games. One in particular had five houses that were blue, yellow, green, red, and pink. These little goombas would come running into the houses. The objective of the game was to keep track of all five houses and see which house held the most goombas and to pick that house.

When I was a child I remember thinking. Huh it would be great if emotions worked that way. Each emotions had a house and the amount of goombas represented the amount of energy you gave to each emotions.

From that point on I would practice that as a child. I remember one situation vividly. Growing up my mom didn’t want what she called “the idiot box” the tv to raise us. Well I didn’t watch tv I still don’t for the most part. But my tv was books and it still wasn’t interacting with other kids. So the rules applied to me to two hours on weekdays with books, three hours on weekends and outside of that we played with each other or with friends outside.

So Saturday came and it was a nice day I was six years old and everyone in the apartment complex was at the park across the street having a cookout/party for what exactly or for whom I don’t remember.

I lived in the Bronx so it was a massive park. All the kids decided we would play tag. I would have been fine just sitting on the swing or on a Bench alone. But the moment my mom saw I wasn’t playing with the other kids she would have known what I was trying to do and it would have annoyed her. So instead when all the kids gathered in a circle to discus the rules and the adults told us how far we could go. I felt the park spin everything seemed to be brighter, the smoke from the grills intensified. I remember feeling the urge to run, but being unable to feel my feet, I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come, it was a fight to breathe properly.

So I closed my eyes and pictured the houses all the goombas rushed into happiness and playful. I remember repeating it over and over again happiness and playful happiness and playful. Sometimes it felt like those were the only two emotions I was able to feel as a kid anything else would be unacceptable or an inconvenience. When the person who was deemed “it” was chosen I knew because she began counting, while everyone else dispersed across the park.

I played and ran and no matter how many rounds we did no matter how many breaks we took to eat rehydrate I felt like the day would never end. Once it did and we said our goodbyes and went back to our apartment.

My mom looked at me as my siblings ran into the apartment smiling she told me how proud she was of me and how happy she was that I played with the other kids all day. I remember feeling like I was going to implode and I just wanted to shower and go to bed. I nodded said thank you and headed to the bathroom.

I jumped into the shower and sat down my entire body felt numb it didn’t hurt it just felt numb. Once I made myself wash I got out and when I climbed into my bed with my sister on the opposite side of the room I remember being so happy finally I could sleep for days but I’d accept a few hours. Until she turned on her game boy which I swear was so loud for no reason. I inhaled closed my eyes and thought playful and happiness as I fell into a very annoyed very restless sleep.

It was the first time in my life where I actually played with another kids with no panic attack, I was normal I guess? This memory was brought on because the older I get the better I became at keeping my emotions in those houses and only giving Energy to the ones I know people want to see.

Until yesterday... I was on the phone with someone I’ve talked to for quite sometime with complete ease. Someone I enjoy talking to. All of a sudden out of nowhere it was as if I lost all control that I’ve always had. Those houses were on fire the fire the goombas had become gremlins destroying everything and no matter how many times I closed my eyes no matter how many deep breathes I took I could not get things back in order. I was feeling things I had no right to feel thinking about things that were unrealistic, wanting things that I shouldn’t be wanting.  Nothing made sense and I felt like I was drowning.

Through this entire process I was completely silent which isn’t out of the norm for us not every moment is filled with words. What wasn’t normal is when I told him I needed to go. Normally we talk until I go to bed. I felt bad and wanted to continue talking to him but what would I say what if I said something I shouldn’t something that was said in the moment that I couldn’t take back? Would I want to take it back I don’t know. All I did know was that I couldn’t stay on the phone I assured him he had done nothing wrong and hung up. I couldn’t organize my thoughts my emotions for some weird reason everything was all over the place. I had to go and get my houses in order.

I went to bed with a lovely migraine and woke up with that same migraine. Don’t you love it when that happens. However I feel much more in control of my emotions and thoughts and I never want to feel so unorganized again.

Butterflies

      Do you ever do something in life, just so you can say you did it? With no real hope or expectation that it will actually work out? Well that was me when I started this, there are reasons but that’s a whole different book. Countless messages, people, trial and error runs. The biggest thing was people wanted to get to sexual to quick. If you have read my blog before you know I want to know your favorite color first. When I got a message from him, I went to his profile, which he had a picture on and wanted to know everything about him. Favorite food, color, thing to do, favorite sport, place to travel the list is never ending. I got control of that want thinking, what if he just wants nudes or an online relationship only. Nothing wrong with either but it is not my cup of tea. I messaged him back wanting so much but expecting nothing it’s safer that way.  

       One message turned into other and then we exchanged numbers, the thought of talking to my dogs vet on the phone causes my anxiety to sky rocket, my mom still makes my doctors’ appointments. I wasn’t too scared because I thought 5 minutes of my giggling and my inability to piece together an intellectual sentence he will be done. Hahah boy I was wrong and happy to be wrong. Our first phone call lasted 3 hours and 19 minutes I have never in my 23 years of life talked to anyone for that long on the phone or otherwise I do not have the stamina. What was even wilder was I did not even realize it had been that long until he pointed it out. Our longest phone call was 8 hours and 15 minutes. Phone conservations can’t last forever can they? No, they can’t. Messaging, phone calls then meeting it is the progression of things right. When I started this journey, again I thought nothing would come of it.

     He lives in Delaware and I live in South Carolina as a lover of traveling when he told me he would be heading to Niagara Falls at the end of August I thought perfect I can drive up to him about 11ish hours and see the falls. It would also give me enough time to look presentable; not thinking anything would work out there was no need to jump back on my diet. So when he asked me “when are you going to show me around Charleston? Not only a two hour drive from me but one of my favorite cities it feeds my soul and fully refuels my tank. To that I answered “uh.. um whenever you want?” He booked his flight and will be in Charleston in 12 days 22 hours and 17 minutes.

        That is for sure not the end of August but I am still excited. I would have liked to look less gross maybe I can get down 10ish pounds by then if I eat lettuce and drink water keto old friend is that you. One of the thing I am excited about is seeing the pineapple foundation is my favorite thing in Charleston. While making our itinerary I saw a picture of it at night and it hit me that I had never saw it at nighttime. The only reason I am going to see it at night is because he will be with me, I am baby and do not stay out past sunset so I am pumped.

Reality….

Recently I decided to get back on track to lose weight and that was my first mistake. As someone who suffers from an eating disorder I know that’s the wrong mindset to have. I need to eat healthier and strive to have a healthy life. Changing my habits to lose weight is a never ending black hole. How much weight should I lose? When do I stop counting calories? When do I stop weighing myself serval times a day? It’s a exhausting. When I fell I fell hard. Nothing entered my body that I didn’t know how many calories was in it. The amount of calories in a single piece of cheese is scary. I worked out non stop and over obsessed about my appearance. I was what “society” said I should be on the outside I was hollow on the inside. I don’t look in the mirror and like who I see. But I don’t hate it either. I need work and I’ll work towards that but there’s always a chance of  relapsing. 

With that being said going down this path again is shaky it’s scary because sometimes you don’t see it happening it starts with little things and spirals. I want to be healthy for me but I know my past and what my mind is capable of.
I’ve come really far to living for me and not for others. However it’s a slippery slope and I’m not afraid to admit I think I’ll fail . I’ll fall to those voices saying more weight needs to go, that’s to many calories, no one will want you if you are fat. I need to do this for me but going in I know it won’t be easy it’ll be nothing short of a war zone. 

YAY! I’m so excited Shatter Me a nine part book series by Tahereh Mafi that follows Juliette Ferrars, a 17-year-old girl with a paralyzing and killing touch. She can take living organisms' energy. The book starts out with Juliette in an asylum due to the fact that she murdered a small boy three years prior, in a store, using her unusual touch. But the world is on a brink of war food is hard to find and the clouds are not the right color. The order determined to now use the women they never understood and so in turn locked away as a weapon and sure path to victory. Juliette must decide if she will be a weapon or a warrior.

I’ve been wanting to get my hand on this series since my friend recommend it. I go by my reading list however and there were serval books in front of it. When I was finally ready to read it I couldn’t find it anywhere. Then Covid happen ugh. I even ordered it off amazon and it just never came weird. My librarian who knows me very well was able to get his hands on the first copy and he’s working on finding the rest I love him. I finally can start reading it. I’m in the middle of a stand alone book called Ten Tiny Breaths once I’m done with that I’m getting lost in Shatter Me hopefully I can have my hands on book two. Destroy Me, before I finish Shatter Me!!

My friend and I were in Walmart today getting a few things for her house and my grandmother. A guy literally bumped into me causing all the items I was holding to come crashing out of my hand. We didn’t need much and I prefer to touch the least amount of things as possible so we didn’t grab a cart. 

I apologized to him and said “I’m so sorry sir I didn’t see you” as I bent down to pick up my items. And it was true I didn’t see him and clearly he was in a rush however  I was standing completely still and he wasn’t paying attention when he ran Into me. He motions to help me pick up the items but I told him he was fine and not to worry about it. Once I picked up all of my items I looked to my friend and think of the darkest shade of red and times that by ten. She was madder than ten hells. But we’ve been friends long enough for her to know it’s a big no to cause a scene or make one worse especially in public my anxiety would sky rocket.

Once the gentlemen was out of ear shot and we made it to a counter she looked at me and asked. “Why do you always do that?” To that I said “ Do what ?” “Always apologize when something isn’t your fault, he bumped into you and when you said sorry he told you it was fine, HE ran into YOU” I understand at the surface I should’ve been angry but I wasn’t it’s not how I’m wired I explained this to her. I’ve explained it to her many times and she still doesn’t agree with it. I could’ve snapped on him, could’ve been like what the hell dude watch were you are going. But instead I  choose kindness it’s not always the easiest choice but it’s the one I choose. Who knows maybe he was having a bad day,  maybe he was on his way to an important event, maybe something was wrong with a family member, maybe he was late for his flight?

You never know what someone else is going through, the first reaction is most likely wrong take a deep breathe and just think being kind cost you nothing but could have the biggest impact on someone or someone’s day. 

I work at a hotel my job tittle “Front desk team lead” what I actually do “front desk team lead/ manger/housekeeping/ operations manger/ all the jobs no one else wants to do especially dealing with angry guest” my day to day job can be exhausting especially when I get called dumb or a bitch or both for things that  are so beyond my control that I don’t know how to fix but I still try. It would be easy to go to manger and tell her off or the owner who I know and let him have it express how it’s not fair that I do everyone else’s job and only get one check. Life isn’t fair and sometimes that’s just how the cards fall. I do my job and I do it with a smile some days I leave on E sometimes I come in on fumes but I always smile and will always make the best of the worst situations. 

Some call me a welcome Mat and that’s fine again it’s not what people say or do but how you choose to react. I don’t feel like one I feel like I choose kindness and for that I love me and that’s all that matters. 

It’s easy to snap or “go off” it takes patience’s and strength to be kind.

Thinking out loud...