Journey as a New Submissive

So this book was recommend by someone on here and I thought I’d give it a try as I love reading. I restarted it because when I first started it I couldn’t fully focus the first thing that immediately caught my attention was chapter 1 and they are already being sexual I just can’t win. Sometimes I feel as if I should just go with it I’ve spoken to serval nice people on here who just wanted to get to sexual to fast so the conversation ended. I can’t help but wonder if I’m missing out because I want to know your favorite color before I want to know the size of your dick. It just doesn’t happen that fast for me and sometimes I think “maybe I should just try being sexual as soon as I talk to a person” but the mere thought makes me uncomfortable and that’s not fair to me. Sigh 

anyways on to chapter two I won’t update after every chapter just the ones I find interesting 

I pride myself on being self aware as someone who is highly introverted I spend a lot of time alone so I can learn myself in that time. What I don’t like are people who either lie or blatantly disregard the things I say I don’t fill out my bio for me or for shits and giggles I know me. YOU however do not. I have always preferred age gap relationships, at least 10 years plus making the person at least 33 so I try to be as mature as possible but sometimes the 23 year old in me wants to scream and just be like what is wrong with you? Nothing is more infuriating then when I get a message that says “I have READ your bio and I like it and would like to get to know you” then not three or four messages later they ask for something that my bio says I’m not willing to do or they ask a question that’s answered in my bio. Like did you forget that quickly or did you lie about reading it? Either way I’m annoyed and no desire to continue talking to you

A lot of people often associate light with happiness and growth and darkness with misery and terror. Which is understandable considering how most if not all of us were raised. 

I love flowers I think they are absolutely beautiful and although I like the flowers that bloom with sunlight I love the ones that bloom in darkness the ones that no one sees. the ones that no one pays attention to or notices. They are to busy partying, sleeping or maybe working. To notice the beauty of something that blooms in dark. Sometimes when Something is left at peace not to be stared at, poked or picked it thrives and no one may ever notice it’s beauty but it doesn’t make it any less beautiful.

this is a night water lily by the way, from my research there are 9 other flowers that bloom at night and they are all beautiful. 

Another fact about the night lily is it closes during the day the moment sunlight hits it. No one can see the beauty that it is no one thinks twice about it. Never knowing that what they think is ordinary and doesn’t deserve a second look will blossom and be beautiful

There are so many reason it shouldn’t exist because flowers by all standards need sunlight but this one doesn’t and it still blooms. So if you are going through a dark time or if you are waiting for the rain to stop, the troubles to end before you thrive. If you are just living instead of being alive. Stop it because it may never stop being dark. Bloom anyway fall in love with you and everything you have to offer become your own soulmate. 

This comes from a conversation my cousin and I had yesterday.

Growing up when my parents would get into arguments my dad would always say this and it stuck..... because he would always say it. “Pussy doesn’t have a face” now when I was six that made no sense when I was 13 still confused even when I was 17 I would be in my room thinking... what does that even mean?

Then I learned at face value sex is sex doesn’t really matter who you do it with as long as the end result is achieved. There’s no justification for cheating  you did it simply because you wanted to have sex and it’s sometimes why one night stands happens cause who cares you get off I get off it’s a win win.

This ties in to what my grandfather would tell us growing up every Sunday we would go to our grandparents house. The conversation always came up because he disliked my brothers gf and he was petty at times. He would always say before you get into a relationship “know your worth” now this didn’t  mean know you are the baddest, know you are of high value lol nope not my grandfather. It meant if you were ugly know that embrace it, if you were mediocre know that,  if you were at 10/10 know that be self aware. He would also say “know your lane, and stay out of others” and compared it to cars he loved cars. He’d say if you are a 1997 Toyota don’t try to talk to a 2007 BMW that’s not your lane, that lane isn’t for you, mind your business.

So... the conversation my cousin and I had was those two things completely contradict each other yes they were said by two different men but both were influences in our life. If “pussy” doesn’t have a face then why does self worth matter? If all you are is a hole then who cares what lane you are in?

Both “lessons” stuck with me and growing up I was always self conscious. It was a driving force behind my ED I wanted to be a 2007 BMW. I refused to eat in front of people I still won’t do it, if I can I avoid it.  I worked out like crazy and I fasted all the time. But because I’m highly introverted people still seem to not notice me which made it even worse. In one breathe I didn’t want to be seen in another it suck welcome to the maze that is my mind.

In my 20s I learned neither of those statements are concrete they exist for some but not all because people are simply people and they are all different in there wants, desires and mindsets. There is no “picture perfect” person and the goal to achieve being that is unrealistic and a little toxic

Thinking out loud.....

No matter where I travel I also have to find water of some kind, lake, ocean.... something. My spring semester of my  Sophomore year came to a close and I remember that year vividly it was the only year I Contemplated dropping out of college, finals were terrible my professors even worse. However I Persisted and made it to the end. Everyone was of course partying at the sororities and fraternities but I want to go somewhere not anywhere to far. So I put up my map covered my eyes and randomly picked one it took a few tries to get something fairly close but eventually I did. Tampa Florida! I booked a hotel  ( Florida always has construction  going on it’s so odd) I got in my car filled up my tank, got road trip snacks, put on my playlist and started the seven hour drive. 

The drive there was fairly peaceful and easy and once I arrived I checked in and went about my day I believe it was 5 when I arrived I’m not to sure. But I still went out and explored the first thing I did was get something to eat at this wonderful placed called Ulele it had the best steak I’ve had in my whole life and I hate steak. After I wondered into book stores, clothing shops and just took in what Tampa had to offer I’d never been before but isn’t that the point of adventure. 

I was worn out and headed back to my hotel by 9pm and excited for what the next day had in store. I woke up about 6 am showered and got ready for my day. I went to a winery which was so much fun I’m not a heavy drinker or a drinker at all but it was still fun to learn the difference between bitter and sweet wines, what makes them that way, how the older the better, the difference between white and red and the difference and purpose of wine glasses. Knowledge is power and you can never have to much of it. 

After I was finished with that I stumbled upon a park the name is escaping me but it was beautiful practically empty and in the middle was water. I walked over to a near by bench on the way I admired the diffident structures and colors and there were even little baby ducks. 

Once I made it I sat down and took out my camera and the book I was reading which I believe was “The power of letting go” by John Purkiss. I don’t know how much I read but my stomach reminded me that I hadn’t eaten since 7 am and it was well after 3 so I put my book away and took out my camera I captured many photos on this trip but this was one of my favorite. I love photography because peace doesn’t last forever but the peace I capture in a photo will always be there are a reminder that peace is achievable.  

I miss my peace and traveling hopefully I can do it again soon I’ll have my reminder until then....

The art of manipulation is such a funny thing.

I normally wake up fairly early because I woke from 7 am until— so this morning I woke up around 4. Don’t you just love it when you beat your alarm. When I wake up this early I’ll either go for a walk or read. I’m reading a series called A court of Thrones and Roses for the second time because she’s releasing another one in 2021. As I was reading it I realized that one of the main character is so very manipulative and feeds off the innocence of another character.

This got me thinking about the art of manipulation. Because it truly can be an art at times. It can happen so smoothly, gently and kind. But it’s still manipulation. Most times it’s hard to see that while in your situation and it’s not until you step back or are freed from the situation that you realize it.

Manipulation is something so tricky

it’s a slippery slope that you can slide down quickly  but once down it seems impossible to find a way out. Sometimes manipulation can be intentional other times it can be unintentional. I’ve been guilty of unintentional manipulation because it can simply be the formation of words how you deliver the words. When I’ve noticed I’ve done this I either apologize the person if I can’t apologize for whatever reason I make a note to do better in the further and remain self aware.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!

”Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual attraction to folks that they have close emotional connections with. In other words, demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed.“

This road into the world of BDSM has been an interesting one. One thing that baffles me both online and in person are the men, Doms, masters etc etc who are so sexually bold with there approach. Would you walk into a bar see a nice lady and be like “hey wanna fuck” just the first words that come out of your mouth? I highly doubt it. So why do you assume that’s acceptable in this life style? But those same men will be the first to scream BDSM isn’t all about sex..... 

I Identify as a demisexual person if there is no emotional connection there can’t be a sexual one it’s just not going to happen. For most that’s a problem cool to each their own. 

I don’t feel the need to express this every time I meet a new person but maybe I’ll have to because when I say “Hey I would just like to get to know each other” if in person they look at me like I have six heads if online they just completely ignore it and still proceed with there “request” like slow down what’s your favorite color? Ice cream flavor, do you like steak or chicken, cold or warm weather, does pineapple go on pizza (yes it does) things like that before we just dive in.

I feel like that’s important because it will be what carries a relationship sex is cool and all but it will eventually lose its stamina. I don’t want temporary gratification that could lead to long term and permanent mental and emotional turmoil. 

I got a message after talking with this “gentlemen” that read “you want to be a submissive right here’s your chance” lol well okay let me just drop to my knees like what no. First off I don’t “want” to be anything I am Submissive. Just because I’m submissive doesn’t mean I want to have meaningless sex. I feel like SSC ( sane SAFE and consensual) needs to be extended to ones mental and emotional health and not just physical and sexual. 

There are terrible books and movies (50 shades of  toxically  unrealistic) that feed to a narrative that having a sexual connection before having an  Emotional  one is okay and it is. However there are little to no movies that express having an emotional connection before having a sexual one is okay. Not everyone is wired the same. 

No I don’t want to send you nudes, no I don’t want to tell you about my deepest fantasies (so you can read it and get off) no I won’t have sex with you no I won’t want to come over for a session. I’m not an aggressive or combative person in any sense of the word I’m literally the embodiment of a shy five year old. However I’ve had it I try so hard to be nice and respectful and try to redirect the sexually awkward conversation. Every time someone ask me something sexual I’m just going to respond with a vanilla question. Until they get the point.

If I happen to be so lucky and find what I’m looking for this summer. I want it to be real and have a chance to stand the test of time. I want the foundation that it’s built on to be a strong one and I’m sorry but a foundation built solely on sexual aspects isn’t strong enough to hold an entire house (relationship) up for long. 

I know I’m different  I always have been but I’m not crazy or unrealistic for wanting to know what your favorite movie is? Or what makes you laugh? What keeps you up at night? What helps you fall asleep? Wanting to know this vs wanting the size of your penis I’m a virgin what the hell would I even do with that information even if I wasn’t a virgin again what would I do with that information??

Dont call me beautiful and sexy and then immediately ask for a nude like seriously??? Porn is free get your smartphone get your lotion your towel and have fun! I want to get to know who you are as a person. I’m interested in BDSM but what drew me in was the trust between the two people the control a sub gives up for the freedom that it holds and how caring the Dom is in handling that control. If I wanted to have sex with no meaning behind it I live on a college campus with thousands if not hundreds of thousands of boys who are ready and probably willing. 

I don’t need a Cinderella story but I’m not a one night let’s just have sex type of girl either and I’m over being sorry about it.

Full blown rant.

A blogger recently posted about challenging negative thoughts with positive ones.( in a nut shell) I am not a combative person at all I promise  but if I see something being said that can be harmful because I’ve been through it I’ll try to say that as sweet as possible. Which I did and he not only deleted my comment but the person who agreed  with me as well.

What gets me is his profile talks about how he’s taken back by “immaturity” but if you post something on a public form and someone kindly says “hey as someone who suffers from what you are talking about your wording may be harmful” and you not only delete the comment but don’t address it, isn’t that immature. I’m not angry I’m just lost did my comment anger him? Insult him? I’m sorry if it did. 

Also on his profile he talks about how he’s a Psychologist and I would think he would’ve been a little more gentle and handled it with a little more care but I guess that’s just me 

I love poetry and sometimes I’m not the best with words and I enjoy sharing here so I wrote this it’s called 

Distorted Reality 

Some days I wake up and ask myself, what is it to be normal? 

At 23 partying should be at the forefront of my mind.. texting boys, skipping class, living life on the edge?

Some fantasize about about wedding days the perfect dream dress.

Others a House a car maybe even kids...

The club then class maybe even the gym? 

Meanwhile I haven’t faced a full length mirror in years... all I’ll see is shattered hope and fear 

Do I want these things?

NO.

But I should who wouldn’t want all we dreamed of as kids.

So I put on my mask, make the accounts, tight dress on and then I head out.

Loud music and dancing my head already spinning..

I force myself to relax....have a drink that’ll calm me down, I flirt with a few praying they don’t touch me.

The night  mixes everything a blur, I guess this is normal right?

I thought it was suppose to be fun..

My normal is different people say that’s okay... as they walk away.

Next club Next party without a single thought.

My Normal is hard because it’s the normal nobody wants.....

*This is going to be a full blown rambling rant*

Hahaha I really despise people sometimes like with a passion it’s one of the reason I didn’t do the whole dating/friendship thing in the first place it’s safer alone.

I didn’t always have a picture of myself on my profile for many reasons the top being safety I don’t know who’s on here or other sites that’s I join. Anyways so I decide to post a photo of the back of me giving a general description  of what I “look” like. 

I get it people have preferences and there is nothing wrong with that we like what we like. The issues comes in when you get to know the person everything is fine and then once photos are exchanged the sole issue is my weight? Which is confusing because 1. I talk about it in my bio on all platforms I’m on and 2. The pic on my profile is current and shows I’m not tiny. 

My weight forever fluctuates in high school I was at my lowest of 120 ( which isn’t healthy for me) I have weighed 297 pounds at my heaviest.  I suffered and still battle with an eating disorder. I’m currently 200 Pounds ( which also isn’t healthy for me) I should be between 160-180 but that’s life an eating disorder is a never ending battle. 

I say that to say this yes this is the internet and it’s filled with all kinds of people but this blog really helps me get my frustrations out. If you meet someone and Like them for their personality and then pictures are exchanged and you are no longer interested to say you are no longer interested don’t express or point out why unless it’s asked then by all means but still try to be NICE. I’ll never ask why even when I’m at a healthy weight because my healthy to some is still “not skinny enough” 

Anyways just try and be a decent person it’s easy to be mean it’s easy to tear people down it’s take strength and patients to be kind but you’ll be a better person for it. Words can really hurt people and just because you aren’t interested in them doesn’t mean you should make them question their worth.

Trigged Thoughts...