Do you ever feel like you have so much to offer so much to give but it is kept in an impenetrable vault, that you yourself don’t have the key too? That the terrors of your past are like a shadow keeping you from moving forward. I feel like life is like a puzzle some pieces are big others are small some just fade into the background some are important others are just fillers. But they are all needed to complete the picture. They all are needed for others to be able to see who you are to understand it. When starting a puzzle most people complete the border first it makes it easier to fill in the rest. Some people would say the border is the most important part without it, it makes it hard to complete the puzzle. I don’t know of anyone who starts from the center of a puzzle and works their way out.
So, let’s say the border is our childhood those pieces would be vital to our puzzle. They would be a big part of the picture, what makes us, us. our likes, dislikes, growth, special moments and events. But what if some of those vital pieces the border pieces were missing they held important information but by giving someone that same information those pieces if not cared for properly could cause what was left of the puzzle to come completely undone. But by not giving those pieces you aren’t giving that person all of you. Is that okay? Will that still work? Does the other person even care to have the piece? Will it make or break the relationship?
Some of you may know I have been talking to a Dom I met on here for almost a month we started talking on July 8th and he is coming to see me on the 28th and we will spend two and a half days in one of my favorite and most historical cities Charleston. As that time quickly approaches my mind refuses to stop racing. It not his fault in any way he has been nothing but kind and reassuring. Its me. I am excited and I can’t wait to see him but there is that sense of uncertainty that fear that I will mess up. I have never done anything like this before. Vanilla BDSM or any other kind of dating. Growing up I stayed to myself in high school I had one boyfriend my senior year and the only word to describe that is train wreck. But he is different this is different and as exciting as that is it is also equally terrifying. I am a huge advocate for moving slow getting to know each other you all know I want to know the person favorite color before we even think about moving forward. He has done that we have not only talked on the phone and skyped every day for the past 18 days we have done it for hours. I know so much about him I’m forgetting things information overload. I am not complaining I love listing to his voice, he has seen so much and been to so many places I love when he tells me stories. What I am saying is we couldn’t move any slower we wouldn’t be moving at all if we did. Meeting each other is the next and right step.
So why do I feel so anxious? As someone who suffers from both Anxiety and social anxiety, I rarely have to ask myself why I feel a certain way I often times know and deal with it. But sometimes with Him the emotions are foreign to me and that scares me. Is it okay to be scared? Is that normal? Or is that a warning sign? But warning for what again he is the nicest person I’ve ever met and when we are on the phone sometimes it is complete silence and that is fine he is just there with me and I like that so much. So what is my issue?
Is it that I know eventually if things work out and I can very much so see them working out ill have to give him those pieces? What if I cant? Then what happens? Where do I go from there? I have always protected me since I was five years old giving that to someone in its entirety is terrifying. But there is a lot about things with him that should be terrifying that aren’t. One thing about me is I hate being touched the thought of it sends cold shivers throughout my body. That high school boyfriend I had loved to hold hands and it always took everything in me not to pass out when he took my hand in his. It felt like I was drowning, and each breathe was a battle. But I did it because who can’t simply hold their own boyfriends’ hand? without those puzzle pieces its weird. I have always been that way however even with some family I hated reunions because it hugs upon hugs like why people feel the need to be so touchy. But with him the thought of his hand in mine makes me smile not shiver the thought of hugging him doesn’t cause my blood to run cold. He asked on the phone once if he could hug me when I pick him up from the airport and I said yes without even thinking but I didn’t and don’t regret saying yes. I am happy he is coming I am terrified at the same time and cant put my finger on why overall I am just confused.
