Old Demons
I started back on my weight loss journey two weeks ago; it will always be a slippery slope for me because I suffer from an eating disorder. However I need to get back on track. It’s never easy for me for some odd reason it just like either I eat like complete shit or I over obsess and I eat little to nothing at all. I weighed myself for the first time in months yesterday and I should have stuck to my plan of eating clean and less than 700 calories in a day plus working out for thirty days before I did that. Because I feel myself seeing food as the enemy as a calorie number instead of something to be enjoyed. I fought so hard to get out of that place and never saw myself going back there but I am learning that is easier said than done.
Society helps none though I do not watch a lot of TV but when I do all I see is picture perfect women. Even when I read books no matter what type, the girl in the book is always slender or thin it feeds a false ideology that is very hard to escape. When I was thin, I didn’t have to worry if cloths would fit how a binky would look, I still looked in a mirror and felt huge but I didn’t have to worry about those things. I did however have to worry if my heart would just stop or if my kidneys would fail so I guess that is no better. I just wish this were easier I can feel those voices slowly coming back and I do not like it.