*Disclaimer I am in no way a doctor and all opinions are my own, they are not medical advice or end all be all. It’s simply research and reading I have done throughout my lifetime journey of self-discovery and being self-aware. Take my opinions as you will but know they are simply opinions. *
Emotional dependency – is when a person believes they need another person to survive, to be happy, or to feel complete. Love is easily confused with emotional dependency because they both usually come with intense feelings around another person.
One of my biggest fears and something I have seen many of my friends and people in my family fall subject to is emotional dependency and financial dependency but that’s a whole different blog. Emotional dependency is easy to fall subject to because it carries the same intense feeling as love. Most times with this type of dependency a person will think they are in love head over heels when in reality they are in “need” and there is a big difference. I hear “my partner is the center of my world” more times than I can remember and at the surface this may seem romantic, but it can become a rather slippery slope. If a person is the center of your world what happens when they leave? If they die? If they cheat? What happens to your world? Being in love and being in need are not the same thing.
When you meet someone, you should both grow together, mature together. No one person should carry the burden or responsibility for fixing another. I like to think of relationships as a house each person has a half of the foundation of that house. If one person isn’t strong enough it will reflect in their piece and the house won’t last as long as it could have. If one person comes into a relationship put together completely “the foundation” of the home if that person ever leaves, cheats, anything a home without a foundation will crumble.
No one is perfect and that is not the point of this blog, but emotional dependency happens and gets confused quite often with love when people are not self-aware. People who enter relationships broken hoping to find that “something” whatever it may be often will find themselves being very dependent on that person.
One of my favorite articles “Is It Love Or Emotional Dependency? How To Tell” By Dr. Margaret Paul, she says “The challenge of real love is that you cannot desire to get love and to be loving at the same time. Your focus on getting love will always lead to a closed heart and controlling behavior, which shuts out love. Your focus on being loving, and on learning what is loving to yourself and your partner in any given moment, is what opens the heart. When you consistently choose to be loving with yourself and others, you will experience real love.”
From the same article Here are some question to ask yourself, it is love or a need there is a difference
- Have you discovered from past relationships that you have a tendency to idealize people?
- Do you project onto your partner how you want them to be rather than how they are?
- Are you making up the person you think you are in love with?
- Are you primarily focused on how your partner treats you rather than on who they really are inside?
- Are you overly impressed by how this person makes you feel special?
- Have you made your partner responsible for your happiness, worth, and safety?
- Do you feel anxious or panicked when you are not with your partner or when they don't text when you expected?
- Do you have a set of expectations that your partner has to meet for you to feel loved and safe?
- Do you feel that you can't live without this person?
- Are you terrified of losing this person?
- Do you feel empty and alone inside unless your partner is giving you attention and validation?
- Do you feel jealous and possessive of your partner?
Emotional dependency on the surface does not look bad and may not be toxic in the short term. But in the long run it can lead to very controlling behaviors and the inability to exist and make coherent decisions on your own.
Then there is the opposite side of that which is called Emotional Independence – Completely independent people might resist all emotional support, preferring to cope with emotional needs alone, or even ignore them entirely.
Being emotional independent and alone is my own opinion is fine, however being this way in a relationship can be toxic if the other person cares or notices which 9 times out of 10 they will not but it can still be toxic for other reasons. Often times your partner will ask you how you are and no matter how you are feeling no matter what emotions good or bad that are running through your body you will smile and say “ I’m fine” the issue with this response is it can cast a shadow almost. Like for example you could have had a completely shitty day it was horrible you want to scream and cry and punch things all in one but you say “ I’m fine” which is not a lie nothing is broken bruised or on fire so in reality you are fine. So, you tell the truth while keeping the emotional turmoil that is going on to yourself. Or say your partner does or says something that hurts your feelings instead of burden them with it you internalize it and say “I’m fine” because again nothing is broken, bruised or on fire so you are fine.
Being this way can cause tension between you and your partner because you are always keeping them at arm’s length out of fear of a few things. First and foremost become emotionally dependent as an emotionally independent person myself the thought of being emotionally dependent scares me more than words can express because again it’s an easy slope to go down and a very difficult one to climb out of. The second is being a burden to your partner what emotions are worth bringing up which ones are worth dealing with alone and which ones are childlike and should be cast aside? The third vulnerability sometimes as an emotionally independent person the thought of bringing up my emotions and being made fun of or it made to be like I am being unreasonable is also scary because the first thing that pops in my head is I could’ve dealt with this myself and I will in the future.
Both of these ways of life can cause to unsatisfied or overbearing emotional connections which could lead to other issues. So, what’s the solution? That would be called Interdependent relationships, the healthiest type of relationship, fall in the middle. Interdependence means you can recognize your own emotional needs and do the work to get many of them met. When you cannot fulfill them on your own, then you might reach out to your partner. In other words, you depend on them for some emotional needs, not all of them. For example, if you see your partner having a conversation with another person of the opposite sex at a party and jealousy rises within you. First you can go through it with yourself what was the nature of the conversation? Does that person have a partner? What was the body language during the conversation? If you can’t talk yourself down and you have tried, that is when you bring it to your partner and discuss it together. But you were independent first and didn’t immediately grab that crutch of emotionally independence to be reassured but you also didn’t take those valid emotions and put them in a box.
So how does one apply this? As an emotionally independent person and an independent person overall relying on people is not my strong suit if I cannot do it, I will figure out how or I will adjust and live without. Letting someone know I am uncomfortable or that they hurt my feelings has never been me because 9 times out of 10 they don’t even realize what they have done and if they do realize they don’t care so it’s a great big waste of everyones times. On the opposite side of that I can give love to the nines and make sure someone feels loved and appreciated receiving it, wanting it, and needing it, have not been me in a long time.
Entering a relationship has be rethinking quite a lot especially this way of thinking and how and if I can even change it. The way I see it my emotional burdens are mine and mine alone. My partner is not the cause for those burdens, so they aren’t his to carry, listen to or concern himself with. At the same time, they makeup who I am and by not giving him those parts, is the relationship only surface level and if that is the case is it even worth it?
I see the person I give to others as a bowl a shell something hallow. My partner in the middle nowhere to escape waiting for me to open up. My true self my day to day struggles the war that goes on inside my head, is Niagara Falls bursting and filling that bowl. My day to day struggles often times leave me exhausted I feel like I am drowning, my will to fight to keep living is always a battle because my limbs are tired. Why on Gods green earth would I put that burden on someone else? Let alone someone I say I care about? Being emotionally independent is the only way I know how to be my issues my burdens my demons are mine to push that off on someone else no matter how ready and willing they say they are is selfish. To me that’s like if I told you hey if I let you jump you will fall and you say its okay I know ill survive ill be fine and I know for a fact that you won’t but because you said you would be. I let you jump and you injury yourself. That was carless and selfish on my part. I can see the fall and you can’t so you really don’t know. I know how deep the water will go up over your head I know how hard my demons are to handle he doesn’t and that is the difference. Is easy to pass the burden off its easy to cry the tears and let it out but now that is with someone else and I don’t see nor will I ever understand how that’s fair and how that’s love.
So where does that leave me, surface relationships are fine I truly believe that it takes a lifetime to get to know a person I have seen people be together for decades and barely know one another but are very much so in love. Do I understand it no how can you love someone who you only know on the surface? But it does happen it does work, and it is possible. The question is will it work. Will “I’m fine” always be a good enough answer for him. Being emotionally independent doesn’t mean I can’t love I can love very well it also doesn’t mean I can’t be loved I can also do that but I don’t need it I don’t rely on it, it is not my end all be all. I am the center of my world I am my foundation I am my strength. That’s okay today but will it be okay five years from now?
I am a firm believer that if you truly love someone you will let them go because you should want them to be happy even if that happiness isn’t you. Sometimes what someone wants and what they need don’t match. This is hard but most things in life will be the sooner people come to terms with that the better off humanity will be.
Citations
Raypole, Crystal. “Emotional Dependency: What It Looks Like and How to Stop It.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 8 May 2020, www.healthline.com/health/emotional-dependency.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. “Are You In Love, Or Are You Emotionally Dependent?” Mindbodygreen, Mindbodygreen, 21 Feb. 2020, www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14987/are-you-in-love-or-are-you-emotionally-dependent.html
