Highway to hell

I rarely keep up with new music singers have or what’s mainstream so I tend to find songs pretty late. This is one such song but at least I didn’t find it years and years later 😂

Sometimes the memories are too much

slowly eating my mind as to what could have been

i look over the past conversation and remember

the memories being some heartache

a desire for things to be like in the past

a desire for things to have been different

so I think not of memories but what if’s 

I wonder how things would have been if the circumstances were different

i miss, in a way, the feelings of being together 

I miss the laughter, the conversations, the emotions

but I know that things won’t change

things are over and done with

there’s no use in remembering 

but I know the memories will remain and so will the what if’s

This song for some reason makes my heart hurt. I guess it has do with the fact that the song is about someone waking up one day and realizing they have feelings for a specific person. I believe most people have had that feeling at some point. Waking up one day and realizing you love someone you didn’t think you did. Or even breaking up with someone and realizing your feelings towards them. What makes this song even better is the singer’s voice being so soft and relaxing. If someone with a more chirpy voice or a more upbeat tune were to sing this I don’t think the same feelings would have been carried across.  

During the time I’ve been away from here I’ve found a lot of songs to listen to on repeat so I’ll be slowly posting them. 

Here’s the one for today 🤗

I have loved the song so much I bought the games for my computer. Sadly, you need a controller to play them with and I haven’t been able to find myself a controller that actually works 😱

I must say that I quite missed the cage and the people I met here during the time I was gone but it was necessary. I’ve done some much self discovery during the time I was gone for here. I feel I know myself as a person so much more now and what I want from life. It’s going to take quite a while to put all I’ve found during this time on my profile but I’ll be working on it slowly as I’m currently out on vacation enjoying the beach and reading. 
One thing I did realize about myself during this time is that I very much am a lone wolf and while I’d love someone or multiple someones in my life I don’t truly need someone. I’m perfectly happy by myself and much more at peace but I’m still sure I’ll find someone that can bring me the same peace I feel by myself. I thought of changing my name to LoneWolf or something along those lines but I’ll just remain with my current profile name 

here’s some pictures of my vacation and the beautiful beach in front of my eyes

Also since I normally put some music on my blogs, here’s one of the songs I’m currently obsessing over 

Hope everyone is having a lovely peaceful day snd hopefully sweating a bit less than I am. It’s freaking 90 F here and with the humidity it feels like it’s 100+

It’s been over a year since I joined the cage and started my journey through BDSM. I’ve learned so many different things about this lifestyle and some I loved while others I hated. I found what type of domme I am while being here and what I want from a dynamic. I’ve pursued multiple subs, some switches and the rare doms that want to explore submission. I’ve met many wonderful people here and some not so wonderful. I’ve experienced happiness, love, heartache, hatred and many others while here. I can’t for my mental health keep pursuing dynamics as the more negative emotions have started to control me and I’m not fit to be in a dynamic with anyone. I’ve been putting off doing this since I’m stubborn and I still hoped that I might find someone worth it like I have in the past but it’s reached a breaking point. At times I remained here to read blogs and interact with people through blogs and would stop looking for subs to heal myself but I’d always be tempted to keep trying. I guess in a way I’m like a little kid wanting to play with a toy till it’s broken and I’m putting my foot down and telling myself no more. No more being on the cage saying I’m not looking while hoping someone will catch my eye. No more licking my wounds for a few days and saying it’s fixed when it isn’t. No more trying to look for something that I might or might not find in here and eventually running it because my heart isn’t in it. No more saying my depression isn’t that bad when I’m already at the edge of the cliff and the bottom is starting to look really nice.I will be deactivating my account in a few days to have the chance to say goodbye to the friends I’ve made here. And while this is a goodbye I hope it isn’t forever and I’ll come back after licking my wounds and actually healing myself instead of putting a bandaid. 

I wish the very best to all the people here in their current and future dynamics. ☺️ 

And one last song to commemorate the name of my blog and the path I slowly took 

I’ve been asked in the past this question; what is reading for you? Well reading for me is everything in more ways that one can imagine. 

I didn’t always enjoy reading and found it quite boring in my younger years. Id pick up a book and would find it boring on the first chapter or even less. I started reading on the summer of 8th grade. My dad had taken me to the library and there I found books. I thought it might be a good idea to start reading to better my English knowledge. You see, English isn’t my first language and neither was I born in an English speaking country. I came to the United States when I was 10 years old and only speaking Spanish. Living in miami it isn’t easy to learn English as almost everyone speaks Spanish and rather speak that to English. But even when I was so little I had strong convictions that this country was an English speaking country and I wanted to better myself. 
So on that summer of 8th grade I picked up my first children’s book. I started off with very small and simple books while in school I learned to speak, read and write English better. As my English started getting better my reading level upgrade until the point that by 9th or 10th grade I was reading at a college level. I was finally reading full sized books with words I sometimes didn’t even know!

So the first thing reading did was teach me English. After that it was to escape in different worlds. 
Despite not having any issues with my life or anything truly drastic, in my opinion, I wasn’t a happy teenager as most teenagers aren’t. I wasn’t the type to have friends or really hang out with me. I was always a lone wolf and preferred my company to others. I can’t say that has changed even now as an adult. I can be very socially awkward at times but I’m good at hiding it. I’ve also always had a bit of... what someone once said it’s an existential crisis. I see very little reason to exist and always question why we came to be and what our purpose in this world is. I still have not found an answer to my questions and might never do. So I used reading to escape those thoughts. I’d get transported to the world in my books and for one moment forget my own world. Everything would become background noise and time didn’t even exist. I’d stay up until really late just reading and saying I’d go to bed after the next chapter. I’d ignore everything around me for my reading, even my friends, family and partners. The world in my books in recent years has become everything for me. My obsession, my salvation and my doom. People argue “reading is very good for you and will only bring good”. Reading can be fine if you don’t forget everything because of it. I now spend most of my time reading, at work, at home, stopped at a traffic light, eating, doing #1 and #2, getting ready to head out for work or outing, while watching TV and even while playing video games. I love naps and sometimes I think they are a waste because it means I can’t read some more. 
Im very into martial art novels nowadays and they are sooo much longer than regular books and some even take months to finish. Months of me constantly reading and ignoring everything and everyone around me. Even people that love reading don’t seem to understand me. Even they don’t ignore everything around them or spend their time daydreaming about the book while they aren’t reading. But I do. 
To answer the initial question... reading is my life and my obsession. No one and nothing can compete against it. 

Back when I first joined the cage I read a blog that I totally agree with. The blog talked about twin flame and soulmates. This person goes on to explain that the twin flame is normally the person you end up with but that it doesn’t always happen as we sometimes make bonds with other we would never sacrifice and will end up as friends which is what happened to this person, his/her twin flame was married to a soulmate and wouldn’t give that person up so they became very good friends. The person goes on to say how there’s multiple soulmates and that it doesn’t always mean there’s a romantic interest, that sometimes it’s just friendship and family bonds. He/she says how in previous lives we might not have met our twin flame and ended up building a bond with someone else that was very good for us and eventually this person turned into our romantic soulmate while sometimes we will click very well with someone but it will just be friendship. 

In recent times I have found that I completely agree. I have met here on the cage two people I believe were my soulmates. The way I recognize it is that I felt towards them things I didn’t feel towards other people and how we just fit in, like we were long lost friends or lovers. I’m also a form believer that my best friend is my soulmate and one that I will share an eternal friendship with. 

I was looking back at past memories and realize I did meet another soulmate in the past, one I was too young to recognize. We met when we were both teenagers while playing the same video game. We discovered we had one very big mutual interest. We loved music but we also loved laws. We were both debating over what to choose; music which fed out soul or law which fed our logical mind. We had both decided to go for laws and keep music as a hobby. We spent hours that day talking about music and laws and everything we could think of until he had to leave as we had about 6-8 hours time difference. Some time after our first talk he comes one day saying he has a song for me. A song he had composed the first time we met and talked. You see, while I love singing and writing lyrics he loved producing music and he specially loved house music. I was in awe of the song and extremely flattered and my heart may have skipped a few beats.

That was the beginning of a sweet and tender teenage romance. I’d feel so shy and blush when we would talk and his voice was just so lovely paired with the mix of a British and Romanian accent. I always wanted to spend time with him either on the game or talking on Skype. We would talk about how bad it was that we lived in different countries and couldn’t actually be together but we would plan how meeting in person would be like. He’d tell me how cold it was in England and I’d tell him how much I hate the cold and how my hands are always cold. He said he’d love walking with me while it was snowing and how he’d hold my hands and me closely so I wouldn’t feel cold, that he’d share his body heat with me. And even though I wasn’t very innocent and naive then, with him I felt like a girl that didn’t know much about the world and was innocent and had hearts in my eyes still. With him, I felt I could be a regular teenager and like the cutesy stuff couples do. 

But sadly things didn’t turn out the way we hoped. I mean, I wouldn’t be in here if things turned out well with him. I’d probably be married and with kids by now! He started getting very busy with school and studying and the time difference didn’t help. We would try talking as much as we could but our lives were hectic and we just didn’t have the time. I was so sad and lonely. At that time I had already met the person who’d become my first love but was at that time my friend. I’d tell him all the time how I missed my boyfriend and how busy he was and I’d cry. He’d tell me to leave if I was so unhappy, that I deserved happiness. I’m stubborn so I didn’t listen until it reached the point that I just couldn’t take it anymore. He had a job and college(he was a year older so while I was in high school, he was already a college student). He didn’t have much time to get on his computer and spend time talking to me. I just held on to the words he’d say, the life we could see together while we talked and I wanted that so bad. But loneliness is a terrible enemy specially more so when temptation is around. I left him and after a few days of being sad I started dating the man that would become my first love. I left one soulmate for another. And I do not regret it. I experienced a love I didn’t even know I was capable. A love I keep trying to look for and glimpsed briefly last year with a sub here on the cage. But he too was a soulmate who wasn’t meant to be. 

There’s usually some songs that for whatever reasons just get to me. I’m not sure if it’s the lyrics, the message, the tone of voice, the rhythm or melody. They just end up becoming a song I just want to listen to all the time. And as I’ve previously said I’m a huge kpop fan and my obsession is BTS so most of the songs that really get to me are from them(except tor that one song in Chinese) 

Ive listened to this song so many times and I still want to keep listening. There’s something in it that just pulls at my soul. I like to close my eyes and just let the song flow over me. It also happens to be one of the songs that calms me down a lot. However it is a pity that I don’t speak Korean at all and can’t sing along to it. 

This is another song that gets to me. Every time they just sing “I just wanna be happier” it pulls at my heartstrings. Might be because I too want that or because I know how hard they work as idols and that I feel they aren’t fully happy. The song also feels like a cry for help when they say “someone come and save me please” and I very much am a fixer upper. I like helping people so that might be the reason I like the song so much. Might also have to do with the fact that I sometimes feel blue and gray too. 

While there’s more songs that get to me as much as these two, I will post the others at a latter time and for now will leave just these. And I’ll hope someone will feel the same peace I feel when I hear both songs. Just close your eyes and feel it with your soul. Let the music wash over you and let it transcend language.