A while back I took down my original blog- 728 pages, Times New Roman 12pt font 145,260 words- Yes, I write a lot, not all of it good. This new version of my blog is more song lyrics so far. Not as much advice... I think I am still cocooning, g-d knows what will come out. But sometimes, I have to reflect on things, journals from the past and bad poetry. My music diaries tell me a great deal. But this previous blog post from three years ago, rang true this early morning.
The current battle with my body is a bit different, more akin to the pain I described from my childhood. And while it is excruciating, life has to continue. Serious illness and chronic illness puts a spin on things. The more dire, the more you reflect on things, not always a positive, but you do tend to realign your priorities. This time, like this earlier entry, a dynamic has ended (actually the same reoccurring one). I believe being ill has made this break more permanent and allowed me a freedom to consider other "options". Strangely this entry is from the same time of year, only 2020. Anyway, I liked the way this frames things. So I am reposting it.
We Are Eternal, All This Pain Is An Illusion 11/7/20
The title is from the Tool song Parabola
I remember being a child and dealing with treatments that were INP. I learned that there is a point where the pain tunes out. I remember laying in the bed and telling myself again and again just few more minutes. My brain would rattle around in my head and bounce from thought to thought. Anywhere but that moment I was living and anything but that pain.
Facing the pain of a three week long headache- I found myself hearing these lyrics. How suddenly, the pursuits of my flesh and emotions seemed trivial. How much easier it was to say... this does me no good or this is no longer necessary. This person’s shadow seems much less dark and encompassing when there are greater battles to be fought than for the attention of a man.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment, remember
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion