I had two scenes last week. The first involved pain, submission, service, power, control, connection ... All of which I need and crave. The second two days later was all about the pain and it too was amazing.
Now three days have gone by and I grave them again. Any one of them would be enough to at least push back the swelling unsettling feelings. Those feelings of restlessness ... Of a lion caged pacing back and forth. I used to go months without the unease getting to this extent ... Now it is a matter of only days. I have changed. And I cannot suppress it the way I have before and more so I do not want to do so. I want that sense of freedom ... That sense of rightness ... That sense of exposing myself for who I really am and not being ashamed of it or hiding it for others comfort ... That sense of completion ... That sense of euphoria ... That sense of connection with another that is deep and meaningful. And I want it more than just a day here or there ... I need it a regular part of my life. To live not just to survive.
And in this moment I wonder if I am addicted.
Is this my drug of choice?
I spent so long avoiding alcohol and drugs and working too much, because addiction runs in my genetic line, and I never wanted to end up like my father. Have I become him in a different way? It doesn't feel like it, but then again maybe that is how he always felt ... that he wasnt addicted ... that what he did was right and just. Am I falling to the same lack of perspective?
Is this a vice to be overcome or a part of myself to fully embrace?
Is there a line between the two?
Can it be both? The vice of impatience needing to be mastered and the gift of acceptance needing to be absorbed simultaneously?
Am I weak for craving?
Am I strong for admiting what I need?
Is this just the adrenaline and endorphins driving me?
And yet no, that doesn't feel right, not complete enough. The psychological aspect that I crave ... There is more to it than just chemicals.
I miss the daily mingling of these in my life.
And yet I am afraid of giving over completely to that.
Who will I be? What will I look like?
Will I be able to stand on my own feet if another leaves my side when all is said and done or will I end only a part of a person, broken and lost?
And if I do not, what then? Can I stay in this place of unrest just to avoid what may or may not be? To not know what might have been?
I am on a cliff ... Do I jump?
