Fox Out Of The Box

I find myself thinking about what I want every now and then. It's a normal process for me, kind of like a spring cleaning of my goals. I look at my old goals, and determine if they are still goals I want to achieve, or if they are goals to set aside or remove. It's not a quick process. It's not a long process, either. A few weeks or so usually lets me wrap up the gist of it, and then I can make smaller adjustments as I go along. And that's what I've been doing for the last few days, is mulling about those things I want.

I want to live. Not just being alive, but actually experience life. I want to experience many different things, and many of those things over and over. I want to relish in my ability to go places, spend time with people, see things, hear things, feel things.

I want a home. I have my own place, an apartment. It's much better than my previous living space, living with my parents to save on those hefty rent expenses. I want a home that I can make just so, a home I can choose to change without worrying too much about what the owner of the space will say. All within the zoning laws and code for safety of course. I want a home I can fill with things I value, a home I can raise my daughter in, a home I can make memories in.

I want to raise my daughter to experience the best life she can. I want to show her as much of the world as possible, taking her on trips, exploring many new skills together, teaching her to walk her own path with confidence.

I want a career. A job where I can go to work and feel I've contributed with my efforts of the day. A place where my coworkers treat me with respect, and my managers or supervisors treat me like a person. A place I can go to for several days a week, put my effort in, and then come home. Coming home is one of my favorite parts of the workday. Not because I resent the work, but because home is where I'm most comfortable and coming home means feeling safe.

I want a wife. Not just a girlfriend, or a kink partner, or a friend with benefits. I want a woman I can put my full trust into. Someone I can love, who loves me in return. I want someone who can love my daughter and see her for the wonderful yet sometimes frustrating person she is, someone who can help guide her in this rocky world as she grows into an adult capable of finding happiness. I want someone who I can share my roughest troubles with, someone who can support me when I'm needing it. I want someone who shows consideration and helpfulness, intelligence, kindness. I want someone who can join me on the roller coaster of life, someone who can scream with their hands in the air at the exciting moments. Someone who I can hold close and be held close in return. I want someone who I can shower with my affection in all my silly or over the top romantic ways. I want someone I can cuddle with on the couch while we both do our own thing.I want someone who helps me be a better me.

I want the strong trust of a BDSM relationship. It means as much if not more to me than a wedding and ring, and I want it all. I want a woman I can share my desires with, someone who wants me to share those desires with them. I want those moments of service, the quiet yet powerful moments of simple service that speak volumes of care, of attention, of trust. I want those experiences of trust being built as we explore gradually further into the relationship, strengthening that trust and knowledge of one another. I want those sexy outfits worn and the fun activities to be had in them: photos, bondage, wax play, pet play, sex.

I want the physical intimacy. I want to kiss my partner, not just a quick peck but a full kiss. I want to touch them, to have my hands wander over them and explore their exquisite curves. I want to feel their reaction when I find a good spot, to hear their body reacting in pleasure from just the right stimulus. I want to pleasure my partner, and I want them to pleasure me. I want to have sex and plenty of it. I frequently find myself horny, and I want a partner I can share those desires with. I want to bring them to climax, and then do it again.

I want many things from my life. I'm going to keep working towards them, every step I can. Hopefully I'm heading in the right direction.

I've been emotionally turbulent these past few weeks, and I knew the source of it. What I didn't know was why? Why did this shake me so? Why was I feeling out of breath, exhausted, dull and deflated? Why did I feel directionless, listless?

Introspection has always been one of my traits. There's nothing more interesting to me than understanding myself, why I do the things I do. So when I find something new, I spend most of my spare time tinkering away in the back of my head in attempts to further understand myself. I'll admit the process proceeds far slower while under significant duress,  though I've had a few weeks now to process those emotions and I think I'm coming out the other side of that mess. So I sought to understand why I had been caught so off guard.

Comparison really is the root of all evil. I think, without someone to compare to, I would have been frustrated at most. Maybe even a little upset. Certainly not as distraught as I was. Alas, there was precedent. A recent one. Poly relationships can always get messy as the number of persons included in the relationship increases significantly compared to a one on one. Having that other person walk the same path I believed I was on felt almost like a guideline to follow, and I took it as such. Sure, he started several months ahead of me. Yet I was told the process was the same, and so I looked forward to those milestones.

Watching his back as he reached those checkpoints and continued on was both frustrating and inspiring. The frustration was the bundle of feelings I felt from starting late and of jealousy, watching someone else develop the relationship I wanted to have with her. It was bearable though, as she told me that I was also very special to her, that she normally wouldn't have considered poly but for me she would. These words were sweet like honey and I adored them. During the waiting period we agreed on I would occasionally feel a need for reassurance that yes, she was still interested in me. And I would get that reassurance. Still, watching him spend time with her, have her stay over, explore with her and receive all of her attentions.. I was jealous. And I told myself, that I too could reach that point one day, as long as we both continued to agree on pursuing a relationship together. So I told myself it was part of the journey. I pushed the jealousy I was feeling, over something I had no right to, to the back of my mind.

The goalposts kept moving, and I kept chasing them. Reaching where I thought they were, only to learn that they were actually further ahead. Feeling those emotions build up, the excitement rising, only to have that bubble popped and another uphill path appear ahead. The first time was rough. The second time was brutal. The third time.. I cried.

I often joke I'm like the energizer bunny. When I have a goal in mind I can keep marching towards it relentlessly. I still believe I can, though I've learned that my feet can ache, my legs can throb, my back can be sore, my head can be heavy, and my heart weary. I've had some comments on my earlier posts that told me I should cut my losses, and maybe they'll think me a fool, but I'm not ready to do that yet.

I have a goal, I have hope, I have the will to continue. Once I commit to someone, it's very hard to turn away. 

Maybe that makes me a fool. I don't think I mind that too much.

I'm spent. Worn out. Empty. Hollow. Giving and giving and giving.. and feeling like I'm trying to fill a tub with the plug pulled. Offering my time and energy to Shilbalba! Exaggeration maybe, to relieve the internal struggle.

We talked. Talking helps, talking allows us to tell each other where we are at. I need to improve my talking, as properly communicating should have prevented the situation I find myself in. I tend to flex my needs and behaviors in favor of moving forward. I can wait longer so the other person can take the time to feel comfortable. Focusing on the things we have in common, and letting go of some of  the things I would really enjoy.. but only if the other person enjoyed them as well. The thing itself isn't what I enjoy. the person doing the thing, with the purpose of doing it for me, that's what really gives me the thrills.

Sure, a sexy woman in fancy lingerie catches my eye. Seeing my woman dress in fancy lingerie and show herself off for me because she wants to give me that pleasure, that thrills and excites me.

Sure, rope bondage is artful and interesting. The level of intimacy between the rigger and the rope bunny as one gives up their freedom of mobility while placing their trust in the other, and the intimate contact while ensuring the ropes sit just right, that thrills and excites me.

We had a wonderful experience together where we dipped our toes into a handful of different activities. There were hiccups, as can happen when people try something new. There was plenty more that made it an enjoyable weekend. It was a big step, I thought. We had discussed staying over and exploring our compatibility as people during regular day to day activities. There were reasons we couldn't stay at your place, and there were reasons my place didn't quite make the cut, for the moment. So we found a compromise and worked out a solution.

You said you'd feel better if we were able to try things out for the first time in a neutral area, like a hotel room. I found us a nice hotel with a decent room, and we planned out our weekend. I had an internal struggle that I didn't talk about, one of my recent moments where I could have shared openly. I felt desperate, I could say. Over and over my attempts to set up a time that worked for both of us, make a plan that worked for both of us, and get things into place... were shot down. In fairness a good most of those times were due to reasons outside of either of our control. Still, I was worried that if I made it seem like a burden, this time would disappear, too. Everything else that could come after was hinged on breaking the ice, getting this first time to happen and start building a foundation. There was no hope for things to continue or be explored until this first thing was checked and done. So I reassured you it wasn't a burden and it was all fine. I was told your comfort zones would best respond to this course of action, so I did my best to ensure a neutral ground weekend to comfortably explore could happen.

We did it! We managed to get that first encounter to happen, opening the door to more down the road as our busy schedules allowed. That's what I thought.. It hasn't quite happened that way yet. One thing or another always seemed to come up. There was a while where I was living with someone else, to save on rent and keep my expenses small. They had pets that you were allergic to, and they were frequently home with little to no privacy for fun activities. A point that kept reappearing was that lack of privacy and having my own space. It was a very frustrating point, yet I tried not to worry about it too much as I would soon move into an apartment all to myself.

And I did. The excitement of having my own place felt great. Privacy, my own rules, my own space without having to share, it felt great. In that state of excitement I invited you over to stay. There no longer was an issue with sharing the space with other people, and there was plenty of room for you. No pets, just whatever remnants lingered around from the previous resident. I offered you the bedroom, and I would sleep on my couch to spare you my snoring, as well as clearly showing I wasn't trying to jump to sex. I want to spend time with you.. during a regular day. A day where we don't have any specific plans made. A day where we just hang out together and see what the day brings. It hurt when you laughed at my suggestion.

Sure, it took me a moment to find the liquid soap so you didn't have to use the bar by the sink. An issue I wasn't aware of, and wouldn't have been if you had never come to my apartment. It wasn't a problem with me, I personally prefer liquid soap due to bars usually getting messy over time. The rejection felt like excitedly running around a corner, face first into a wall. We did the first time in a neutral area, right? I had my own place now, with privacy and plenty of space and necessities taken care of, right? You said you wanted to, that you were open to the idea.. but not now, as I had just moved in. It was a logical point, I still hadn't put everything away yet. There was plenty of room though, the things not yet put away weren't taking up much space and mostly were out of the way off to the side. You said you wanted to, but your actions said you didn't.

Winter time hits the emotions a little harder than usual as the lack of sunlight disrupts the normal vitamin D production. Yet I've been feeling it for a while now, just ignoring it and excusing it and explaining it away to reassure myself. After all, she was telling me yes, so that meant she wanted to, right? I feel strung along, on the hook. I feel I'm giving all my energy to the idea of exploring a relationship together, and I'm being met with the energy of someone placating an overly excited child. I don't feel great. I've already developed intense and sturdy feelings for her. Yet I feel I'm being intentionally kept at a distance, in that zone between being pushed away and having my desires realized.

It hurt knowing that my need to ensure that the person I was developing interest in wasn't someone who would bring as much strife to my life as my ex and coparent put me behind in my pursuits of you compared to someone who.. didn't. It was my own personal choice and you had no way of knowing. Its in no way your fault. It hurt, and I was frustrated and upset with myself. Yet I wasn't surprised either, as someone like you being single shines like a light at night the moths gather around. So I ignored the feeling that I was just too slow, too careful. The year we discussed came around, and you'd already decided to date someone else, yet you also expressed interest in dating me. You had several discussions and decided to consider a poly relationship, something new to you, to see if we could work that out.

I should have said no. Feeling like second fiddle, the backup plan. It hurt. Developing feelings for you, while watching you be with someone else.. feeling like someone was squeezing my heart. Waiting for "my turn," that one year date to decide if things would become official. Falling in love with you while calling for hours every night and finding days to hang out together, while knowing you're giving yourself to someone else.. and I'm left outside. It's what I agreed to, but watching the warm cozy house have dinner while shivering outside in the snow felt horrible. Yet I felt disgust at myself for these feelings.

You weren't mine, we weren't officially in a relationship, I had no right to feel that way. So I smiled it off and stuffed it away, telling myself that the struggle was temporary. There would come a day when that struggle would end, the day we had discussed and decided on to really decide to have an official relationship. That moment grew into an emotional support pillar, something to tell myself that the unpleasant feelings I struggled with wouldn't last indefinitely.

That day came and went, and instead of a definitive answer, instead of a time frame, it changed. You wanted things to grow naturally, as you'd been having some struggles emotionally with your current partner that made you rethink your ideology. That emotional supporting pillar I was leaning on that helped me get through the feelings of jealousy and heartache just vanished. What? It felt like I'd been suckerpunched. The wind left me. I couldn't process it well at all.

I was fine with waiting, even knowing that I was interested in you from the moment I told you. I was fine with waiting, slowly falling in love with you while quashing my unwanted struggles with your current relationship. I was fine with waiting even when that other relationship grew strained, and I did my best to support you so that you could figure out a solution that would best work for you. I was fine with waiting, because we had discussed and agreed that a year was a good, reasonable amount of time to make sure neither of us was getting into a mess like our previous relationships again.

And then I was told I might be rushing things? I might be moving too fast, behaving too excitedly? It's been two years, and I needed to use the brakes? I felt bamboozled. I struggled to make sense of things. To reason it out. Was I rushing? Was I not respecting her needs? Was I in the wrong?

Even now I don't know. I'm still reeling. Its been what, two weeks already? I don't know what to think. I feel lost, and I don't know where to begin to make the world make sense again.

The craving only intensified.. that completely insatiable urge to just.. cuddle. To just spend time together. Not doing something planned with a schedule and time frames to worry about, but just.. spending time together. My heart aches and wishes, just to hold her, to feel her presence, to just live in the moment and spend time together.

I hurt. I'm a mess. I've fallen in love with this woman, and I'm still out in the cold. Am I in the wrong? Maybe. It's hard to process these emotions. I'm hurting, and I want to stop hurting. I want to curl up and not move until it stops hurting.

pah. I'm pitiful, infatuated. Maybe I've been projecting my enthusiasm onto her. Maybe I've been deluding myself, and now that delusion is starting to fall apart. In my head, maybe I gave so much more meaning and depth to things that did not have them.

I do know I need to spend time looking inward. Sorting myself out and picking myself back up. The body's signal of pain is a sign that you're doing something wrong, and I'm finally listening. I need to recenter myself, understand myself and these messy emotions spinning out of control.

Writing here is one part of that process. Putting it out and reviewing it later can provide insight I can't find in the moment.

If you're going to critique me, please be polite. I don't usually care if people are nasty as I usually can brush it off no problem.. today is different.

Hollow. I spent today feeling hollow. I enjoyed my work, as I usually do, but it only went surface depth. I was distracted. 

Work hosted a holiday party, with free food, games, and giveaways. I spent a good two hours playing a competitive team game with my coworkers. It was a blast! When it was my turn to sit one out, I went up to the scorebox and got my hands on the mic to dish out some sparky commentary. Filled up on free food, as I always will, and enjoyed a nice gift. Shared some stories, loaded up on leftovers, and went home. 

The hollow feeling was waiting for me at the door. The pain of the morning emotional turmoil burned itself out, leaving a large empty space that just ached mildly. 

In our conversation last night, you said what you needed now was a friend.  Your needs are valid. Your actions and choices for how you want to live your life are up to you. I'm not mad at you for taking care of yourself. Self care will always remain a priority. 

I care about you, deeply. More so than I've told you, as part of me worries that showing the full affection I have for you will scare you away with our current status as friends with flirty and dirty minds. I care about you, and what you need now is a friend, not a new relationship with more emotional confusion to figure out as most new relationships tend to have. 

So I'll process my turmoil, and I'll focus on the things I can do. I can be there for you, as a good friend. I can listen to you, laugh with you, and care about your wellbeing all while staying in my lane. Or I will, once I take the time I need to work through my emotions. 

You have hard times potentially ahead of you, and it helps to have someone to turn to for support and to step away from the chaos of life. So I'll do my best and be there to support you, with the hopes that you make it through with minimal difficulty or even the hard possibilities not coming to pass.

 For myself... my feelings won't go away. They'll still be there, waiting. I believe that hard times will end, and we will both have the freedom to try new things together.  It still will ache, and some days I'll have wishful thinking.  

Who knows, maybe someday things will move forward. Until then, my focus is on the path ahead, face up, feet forward, towards that Star and straight on until morning.  

End Part 2.

Today I cried.

A blurred vision, face twisted, sobbing cry.

It's my own fault really. I didn't keep enough distance emotionally to handle my current relationship status: A friend. 

More than two years ago I met someone I found interesting, exciting,  beautiful and sexy both physically and mentally. We started hanging out and chatting.

More than two years ago, I realized my interest in exploring a relationship on a more intimate level. We'd already discussed some related topics, and gone over our screening process for dating prospects.  We agreed that things should be explicitly stated to ensure no confusion.  

Months later, I'd given myself time to analyze and understand my interest with you. Was I lonely,  and excited to find someone to fill that loneliness? Was I horny, and thinking this was feeling was relationship interest? Was I wanting a relationship so much I was convincing myself that I wanted one with you and glossing over any incompatibility?

About a year and a half ago, I felt assured that my interest in you was genuine, as a whole. About a year and a half ago, I told you directly I would like to explore a deeper relationship than friends with you. About a year and a half ago, we set a date a year out to revisit the conversation and see if things were still that way.

About 8 months ago, my feelings had only continued to grow. We continued to hang out and spend time together.  About 8 months ago, I felt I was going to burst if I didn't say something.  To profess my feelings for you in a big romantic gesture. This was still before that agreed upon year out day. Forcing my feelings onto you felt disrespectful and selfish.  So, I found another outlet.

About 8 months ago, I wrote a love letter by hand. I wrote everything I loved about you that I could think of in the moment. Giving those feelings a space to exist outside of myself gave a sense of relief. I no longer felt like I was denying myself, and I wasn't forcing my emotions upon you either. I haven't told you about that letter, though I did see it recently.  

About 6 months ago, I caught myself while on a phone call with you. Instead of saying goodbye and goodnight,  the words "I love you, good night." Almost slipped out. This one sided emotion was inappropriate, and I felt embarrassed it almost came out, and glad I hadn't said it. 

About 5 months ago, the agreed upon one year day came, and went. I waited with much anticipation for a few days, though at the same time telling myself it wasn't the time. You were dealing with some emotionally heavy things already, and pestering you about starting a relationship or exploring it would have been wrong on so many levels. So I waited. 

About 5 months ago, the topic of that one year day and going further did come up. We talked, and with respect to the stress you were dealing with, we agreed it wasn't the right time. 

About 3 months ago, that topic came up again, as the situation you were dealing with was no longer as urgent or threatening as it had been. We discussed again, and it was now myself having extremely stressful situations to deal with. I was worried my stress would hurt you, and I told you I needed some space to handle my matters. I was trying to seperate my problems from you, so as not to cause unnecessary harm. I regret the results of this still, as it lead to more delay in that idea of exploring a relationship. 

About three months ago, in the midst of my life turmoil, I decided I didn't want to let fear and what ifs control my life, in particular my relationship with you. There will always be struggles and stresses to deal with, and if every one of those pushes things back, I'll never reach that next step. About three months ago, I expressed this. You were firm in your stance that we should wait until I had solved my current dilemmas, and I reluctantly agreed as the logic was sound. 

This week, I solved those dilemmas. The topic came up again about moving forward... which would again be delayed. More significant events were on the horizon for you, and you didn't want to add this to them, or worse, make that decision in a mentally distraught state. It makes sense. It makes sense. It really does make logical sense. It still hurts. 

Last night, we had a discussion.

This morning, I sobbed my way to work.

Which I have to head in to now. End of part 1.

**DISCLAIMER** I HAVE NOT, NOR EVER WILL, commit serious sex crimes. Things such as rape and children are inexcusable and unacceptable. This is not an all inclusive list of "serious sex crimes", nor is that the focus of this post. As for "serious sex crimes" and not "serious", I don't find illegally doing reverse cowgirl in Alabama to be "serious". Don't go getting any weird misunderstandings before you read the post.

What is an open mind? I find this question a bit ironic, as to truly understand an open mind you must first, well, have one. I have had interactions with a variety of different types of "open mind", and for my first post, I felt like sharing this. Just to share my point of view and see what others think of it. To understand what an open mind is, we must first understand what a "closed mind" is.

Much easier to explain, a closed mind is one that will not accept change of any form. In the purest form, a closed mind will have an unshakeable "understanding" of a subject. For example, the sun in the sky rises and sets, provides warmth, and is a giant ball of gases burning in the middle of our galaxy. Pretty simple, right? Science has proven this, most everyone understands and agrees. (For the sake of this post, we will not be discussing any religious aspects in relations to stay on topic). Well, you are wrong, and the sun is cold. Did you pay attention to what went through your mind when you read that? Did you agree? Did you immediately reject it as crazy or silly? If you disposed of the idea off hand without even considering it, this is a simple example of a "closed mind". A closed mind is not "open" to new ideas or thoughts, especially one that challenges a deep set worldview such as the sun being hot.

At its most simple form, an open mind is one that is able to process new thoughts, including those that challenge their worldview. The more shocking or different the new thought is from the current set worldview, the stronger the mind naturally resists. An open mind is able to overcome this instinctive reaction to directly discard the new idea. That's all an open mind at its most simple form is.

An open mind does not equal acceptance. This is an easy mistake to make, and a common reason I have seen for closed minds to remain closed. To explain easier, let us explore another example. Sex crimes. The common reaction to this word is one of rejection. Sex crimes are a terrible thing, and that's the end of that line of thought in a closed mind. Now, in an open mind, sex crimes are not all one and the same. You may have even committed one without realizing it.

If you're still here, I am impressed at your ability to be open minded and see where I am going with this. For example, a common sex crime is rape. Rape is wrong, there is no question about this whatsoever. This is a common worldview, but not the only one or we wouldn't have any rapists now would we? Another common sex crime is pedophilia, or sexual crimes involving children. These are also heavily condemned sex crimes the world over. Here's another sex crime though- reverse cowgirl in Alabama, of the United States. It's illegal, and if you've done reverse cowgirl in Alabama, you have committed a sex crime. Now, is your crime the same level of sex crime as rape or pedophilia? Reverse cowgirl is a common and well known sex position, and is only illegal in Alabama (as far as I'm aware, I do not know all laws in all places). Now, if you walk up to someone and tell them, "I've committed a sex crime" they will immediately associate you with rapists or child predators. An open mind would be able to process the information, and what happens from there is an entirely different subject. Your mind may jump to such thoughts anyway, a common response, but while a closed mind would reach such a thought and hold firm, an open mind would process the full information and then reach a conclusion.

This is a discussion post, of my thoughts on the subject matter of open and closed minds, and I welcome any thought provoking constructive comments or appreciation. I have no place for nastiness or hate here, if you are so mad at the world you must take it out on someone, take it somewhere else as it will not be me.

I may or may not get in trouble for engaging in reverse cowgirl if I ever go to Alabama..No promises.

Also, I am tired and it is late, so if my post is imperfect, please excuse me and write a comment below with your take.