Fox Out Of The Box

Sometimes the way the world works seems stupid. If you want something, to get it you have to not want it. That's the most backwards, useless advice I've ever heard. Though it does remind me of days at school, where the kids who wanted to be cool tried their hardest to act like they didn't care if they were cool or not.

I'm lonely. I want someone to spend time with, to share my day with, to hear about their day, to cuddle and just read quietly. And yet, I have no such luck. Sure, there have been plenty of interesting women I found attractive that were single, so it wasn't for lack of "fish in the sea," as the saying goes. For some reason or another though, things didn't click with any of them. Quite like playing a game of battleship. "I'm interested in you, would you be interested in me? No? Alrighty then." No one is obligated to like me, I have no such delusions. I still find myself disheartened after many misses and no hits, keeping with the battleship reference.

It doesn't help that I spent 2 of the last 3 years being led along by someone who very convincingly told me they wanted a relationship, but there was always some crisis, or overwhelming amount of things to be done, and they just didn't have the time or energy. But they sure liked the dinners, the dates, the gifts, the attention. They liked getting away from their hectic problems, having someone to share their troubles with who would give them emotional support. Things a good friend or person would normally do.

They didn't like the discussions about what our relationship was and where it was going, though. They didn't like questions for clarification, and they didn't like requests for small changes with meaningful intentions. Oh, just for them, though. They really liked their requests and concerns fulfilled and addressed.

Looking back at those years I wasted I feel pathetic. Maybe in the start the interest was genuine, but the last 2 of 3 years I was a sucker being strung along. Well, not for the last several months.

Things started to build up and frustrate me. I kept offering times to get together and spend time together, but they often claimed they had responsibilities that prevented them. Which sounds reasonable and would be difficult to refute, yet why would I need to refute them as I trusted this person? Yet they were frequently telling me about all of the friends she would hang out with, spend nights with.

We had a long and supposedly heartfelt and emotionally deep conversation about our relationship, where I was given the usual,"Things take time, no need to rush, just let things grow naturally." I believed those words for the most part, because I trusted her when she told me she wanted a relationship with me. I still felt the need for some sort of action though, so I suggested we message each other good morning when we get up. Nothing time consuming or difficult, just a little thing to start the day and let the other person know you thought of them. I kept it up for over a year... she stopped after an intermittent month. "Oh I'm busy in the morning I get called to do things right away." Okay, so when you get a moment. "Oh the family members I live with constantly need my help and I have other responsibilities and I just don't get any time until late at night." Okay, so message me then. "Oh at that point we usually call so there's not much point." True, I suppose. But after a while, being less than enchanted over time, I really questioned that. It takes MAYBE 20 to 30 seconds if your phone is slow to text someone good morning. And that thought kept bouncing around in my head. I wasn't even worth 20 to 30 seconds. AND that was in addition to the fact that I had TO ASK for something that would be quite normal to receive from someone interested in you, a good morning text or something at least a few days a week. 4

The last few months of that 3 year period, I'd already realized that this woman was no longer interested in me, but still quite enjoyed the activities I would take her to and the attention I would give her. I could tell she wanted me to give up on building a relationship, and just keep the relationship energy coming. Still take her on dates and treat her to dinner, pay for tickets, drive all the way there to get her out of her house. I don't drive an hour one way to spend time with any of my friends on a frequent basis. That's a long drive and a lot of time.

Still, she kept trying to tell me that maybe she wasn't the right one for me. Maybe she wasn't what I was looking for. Maybe I wanted more than she could give. Oh, but was I still going to meet for roller skating and pay for tickets? Of course, we could give it time and see where things went, she was still open to a relationship growing. But maybe I was moving too fast, wanting to hold hands and spend nights together in a platonic way, without sex or kink. Maybe I was moving too fast, asking for 20 to 30 seconds of her day after having spent two years talking on the phone almost every night for hours, meeting up and going places. Maybe I was in a hurry and not willing to wait for her, so I should look elsewhere. Small arguments or statements became big reasons to back up, rethink us having a relationship. Telling her something she said felt manipulative was a huge deal, and she, " no longer felt safe alone with.." me, because I should have known how sensitive she was to being called manipulative and the bad experiences she had in the past.

I'd already gathered from these behaviors that she was done with the relationship, but she didn't want to have to be the one to call it off completely. She wanted to make me give up and call it off myself, so that she didn't have to bear that responsibility. Those last few months I had many talks with her, where we went over our frustrations and things we could do to make it work. My suggestions of spending more time together were not warmly accepted. I was given reasons why she was busy, or unavailable, and told that I shouldn't rush, that we had years for things to progress. It had been over 2 years, and she still hadn't "made up her mind" about having an actual relationship with me, she "needed more time" and just wanted to "let things progress naturally."

Finally, one night, I was talking to her about how little she seemed to care for me, not even being able to give me 20 to 30 seconds of her day, that she had agreed to when I suggested the idea. She gave me a big speech about how she can't make me believe she cared for me. How she was often busy and had so much to deal with every day she was exhausted. How she was struggling because I wouldn't believe her when she told me she cared for me.

I had some self respect for myself at this point, no longer wishfully turning a blind eye to her behaviors, and I stood my ground. I firmly requested that she put her money where her mouth was, that she show her words meant something by actually doing what she said she wanted to. towards the end of this conversation, she then told me she was tired of me not believing her, tired of trying to convince me she cared about me, and she no longer wanted to consider having a relationship with me. She said she wanted just friends, and only just friends.

I'd already made peace with her lack of interest months ago, and I'd finally heard her own up to it instead of trying to make me the one who did it for her. I wasted 3 years of my life on the hook for this person, who enjoyed the benefits of my courting efforts yet strung me along with phrases like no need to rush, just be patient, I need more time... all reasonable statements of course, on their own. Repeated for years with no efforts to explore or progress things though, and they're just a siren's song.

I feel pathetic thinking about those 3 years. Having to request hand holding like some child wanting to watch tv. Having a grand total of maybe 5 kisses, all of which happened in the first year. Being told after each disagreement that she needed to step back, and start over from just friends. "The way you said that felt manipulative," with her response of, " That really hurt me. I don't feel safe alone with you now. Maybe we can still have a relationship, but we need to work back up to that point, spend time together as just friends and build back up to that. Be patient. Don't rush. We have years ahead of us."

This was months before she finally stated she was no longer interested in a relationship, and was the final straw in my hopes for things to improve. I'd made a commitment though, so I kept trying to get past it. Being told she no longer felt safe around me hurt. It hurt immensely. Someone i'd spent years talking to and hanging out with, no longer " felt safe" because I brought up to them something they said felt manipulative and I would appreciate it if they could reconsider their words next time. I was unable to get over that.. and I thought, I have a daughter myself. Would I encourage her to spend time with a man she didn't feel safe with? No, of course not. I'd tell her to run the hell away from him. So why is she still trying to be friends with me, and telling me she might develop feelings and want a relationship?

No, to hell with that. If you don't feel safe around me, then there's no good reason to want to spend time with me. I've been falsely accused multiple times by my daughter's mother, and had to fight each one in court, and it made it difficult to fight to have a place in my daughters life. I wasn't going to put up with accusations from another person, and I didn't want to create any reason for them to make claims. I've seen those stories about men who spent years in prison, only to be released after the woman went. "teehee, I was mad and lied. My bad~" If she really felt unsafe around me, then it wasn't safe for me to be around her.

I agreed to "just friends," though, because I wanted to try a little experiment. If I stopped messaging her first, would she bother to message me? She did, a few times. Each time venting about how much she has to do for her family and how exhausting it is and how busy she is. That was it. After a couple messages where I offered polite sympathy, she has since stopped messaging me altogether.

Wandering back to my main point.. I have a lot of free time and energy that's no longer being put into a one sided relationship. I feel a bit lonely, and I very much want to find someone to spend time with. Yet, trying too hard serves as a repellent, counterproductive to achieving my desires. I struggle with this concept, as someone who believes if you want something you make efforts to achieve that goal. Yet sometimes, one must try not to reach their goal.. to reach it.

A train of thought inspired by some emotional frustration and an episode of Frasier on Disney Plus, wherein he receives the advice that to find a partner, maybe he needs to stop looking.

**Fair warning, some dark thoughts and topics may be included. Stop here if you're worried those might upset you. **

"The "bird that shares wings," known as the Jian in Chinese mythology, is a creature that cannot fly alone. It has one wing and one eye, and requires a mate to fly, as they must pair their single appendages to take flight. This mythological bird illustrates the concept of dependence and the beauty of cooperation.  " - Google search for birds that can't fly without a partner.

A fascinating creature, seemingly flawed and worthless, yet it can only truly show its capability with a partner. I'm not familiar with the full mythology of the Jian, here I only wish to appreciate the well known feature of their lore.

I'm a single father with a small child. I often find myself overwhelmed and worn out, missing things left in right in my struggle to steer two boats at once. Made especially difficult when the owner of the other boat has no fear of capsizing, turning around, or running aground. Children, Gah! What terrible, frightening, fearless and yet loveable creatures.

Still, being the bumpers on the bowling alley lane can be weary. The ball bounces recklessly back and forth, and it's my job to make sure it stays out of the gutter. I often find myself overextended, forgetting to take care of myself and my needs while I push myself to do the best I can for my daughter. A catch 22, as pushing myself wears me out further, reducing the ability I have to properly keep that bowling ball from careening off the path.

That's.. who I am, though. Years ago, well before I had a child or even entered school, I put myself aside to care for those around me.

My memory is a little fuzzy around the time I was 5 years old... yet I remember the bird that flew into the glass door of our home. I was shocked by the noise, but quickly put that aside and found the nearest adult to beg them to fix the bird. My heart squeezed, and I felt deep sadness that day as I watched it slowly die.

Elementary school memories are a little clearer. I remember proudly declaring that my friends could always count on me, to come to me with their problems. Even those who I didn't know well, I would be there to listen. They would tell me their troubles, and I would give them a way to share the burden. Well, as much as a kiddo in school could, anyway.

Middle school was a bit rougher. I was not a happy child, and did not have a happy home. Still, the moment I felt one of my few friends needed someone to be there for them, I pushed my struggles aside and did my best to be that someone. Middle schoolers are dramatic as all heck, and problems certainly feel a lot bigger when you've only lived for 12 years. Most of those struggles seem laughable now, preferable in fact, compared to struggles of adulthood.

High school. Gosh, highschool was wild. I didn't go to parties, or hang out at the mall, or really do much with group gatherings. I had a few close friends, and I was okay with that. Still I would put away my own struggles and difficulties to listen to theirs, to give them solutions and support. I vividly remember being trapped in a supposed relationship with a girl who would on the daily threaten to give up on life. My grades dropped significantly, and I would sleep through the first half of classes every day.. because I was up for 4 to 8 hours every night doing my best to give this person the strength they needed to face another day. Eventually she did get the profressional help she needed, which is a relief for me. Some may find it strange that despite her sleeping with my best friend at the time during our supposed relationship, hearing that she got the help she needed to get her life together still gave me a sense of relief.

Adulthood. Good Golly, this one's a doozy. Clubs, aqauintences, coworkers, friends, family members. I would be there to listen, offer to listen, ask them what was on their mind when their behavior felt off. Always assuring them that they were no burden on me, that I wanted to help them. Even now when I sense someone feels off, I find it easy to gently approach and discretely ask them if they're okay.

It's who I am.

Yet there remains the catch 22. The more I extend myself to focus on others, the less I pay attention to myself. As I grew older I also grew to understand the need to take care of myself, to allow myself to be able to continue to do what comes naturally to me. I still struggle with this concept and I often forget that I need to care for myself specifically, more than a quick oil change and air in the tires.

-Struggling to pick this post back up so I'll call it part 1 and finish it later.

Waiting has uses. Good uses. There's a reason the behavior exists despite it coming from experience and not instinct.

As an adult we can easily see where waiting works. Waiting in line for a food order makes sure we can make our own order without having to shout over 7 other people also trying to order at the same time. Waiting at a stop light means we can drive through with the expectation of safety and no cross traffic. Waiting to eat our food lets us actually taste it with our tastebuds, instead of briefly imitating a monkey as we juggle the burning food in our mouths. I often imitate the monkey.

Waiting has another, more difficult to perceive, usefulness. Waiting on something we want allows us to test that want, to apply the grindstone of time to it and see if that want shines under the polishing, or if it slips away the same as a piece of chalk would on that grindstone. My mother raised me to wait 24 hours before purchasing things that I saw and wanted. It works, solid advice I can give to anyone. If it's something that will still be there tomorrow, wait until tomorrow. Many items I thought I really wanted ended up just as an exciting thing to find and see, but not something worth keeping or spending money for. Things that seemed important and grabbed my attention that faded away the next day told me those things were only shiny for the brief moment. While sometimes that's enough, for something like a relation ship, it falls far short of a good set of standards.

I do detest waiting. More so when it feels the waiting is enforced upon me by others. It's the same frustration I imagine a dog or cat has when trying to jump onto a chair, couch, or lap, while not quite making it and sliding back down only to try for the nth time. It feels similar to walking behind someone taking up the whole walkway while waddling around on their phone wagging their lips and not paying attention to their surroundings. Just imagining those situations slightly ruffles my feathers. Still, Waiting can and often does have a Purpose.

So when She made me wait, for the nth time, I felt frustrated. I wanted to move forward. To explore boldly where we had never before! Alas, much like the dog and cat from my earlier example, my foray failed and I slid back to where I was. It's not the first time. It certainly won't be the last time. Sometimes it feels very frustrating and exasperating, feeling like I'm trying to pull forward a bike while the rider holds the brakes down. Sometimes I don't understand why they would hold those brakes down, or why they wouldn't pedal and work together to move forward. Sometimes it feels like they don't want to move forward, and this feeling confuses me greatly as it conflicts with their words and the other feelings they give me that they DO want to move forward. It's very confusing to feel two opposite things at the same time, in addition to feeling exasperated that the wind won't blow to move my sailboat along while I sit there and try to paddle in the perfectly calm ocean with naught but my hands.

Waiting is HARD. Often times I will opt out of something if it requires waiting. A 10% discount on a small purchase, but I have to wait 5 minutes while I fill out a survey? No thank you. A shorter route that could save 5 minutes on the drive, but I have to sit and wait at 6 stoplights on the way? No thank you.

Waiting has a tolerance limit, and when you approach and cross that tolerance limit, you find out more about yourself than you do about what you were waiting for. When you reach that tolerance limit, it's easy to get upset. It's easy to get angry, frustrated, or to blame the thing you are waiting for. It's easy to throw in the towel and move on, fed up with the difficulty and frustration of waiting. That feeling of having waited so much or so long for naught and the lack of belief that further waiting would be worth it or change things.

Still, When reaching this point, it tells you things. I reached this point recently, where I was frustrated, felt stuck, even like I was going backwards. Taking a step forward only to slide three steps backwards. To keep going felt daunting, heavy, and uncertain. I found myself questioning why I was doing this. Why was I waiting for so long? Why was I putting in so much effort for something that felt stuck? I felt like I was putting in all my effort, and it was going nowhere.

And I wondered, what if I just.. stopped? What if I stopped trying so hard? What if I let go of the rope and let it slip out of my hands? I felt my resolve and desire shrinking, the wind chiseling away at it and sending dust bit by bit into the realm of letting go. It scared me a little, yet I looked at everything with honesty and self awareness. What was really happening here, how did I really feel, and what did I really want?

It would be here at this point that I would come to a realization. Sure, that rock of desire and intention looked smaller, and I definitely felt bits of what it was slip away in the wind, but what was left was stronger, denser, like a jewel that went through a polishing. A calmness came over me with that realization. I wasn't afraid of waiting, I was afraid of not being there. I wasn't mad about waiting, I was scared that I would doubt myself and self sabotage. With that calmness and understanding grew a firmer belief in myself, in what I wanted, what I needed. I want her. I want her for her mind, for her kindness, for her presence, for her touch, for her care and love. I want HER, as a whole, everything. And with this understanding, I found again the strength to stand and face the abyss of waiting, to continue walking forward into the sandstorm one step at a time until I find that oasis that I seek.

Waiting will test your resolve, it will show you your less visible thoughts and feelings. Waiting does have a purpose. In this instance, waiting reinforced my desires, and my decision. I don't know how much more waiting there will be. What I do know is that I have the desire and resolve for moving my feet one at a time ahead of me.

-End of Waiting.. with a Purpose. Part 2 of 2.

Waiting.. I dislike waiting. I'd even go so far as to say I have a mild hatred of waiting. Often times it feels wrong. Unnatural. And to a degree, it is. 

Waiting is a learned behavior. It's not something humans are born with, nor any other animal species that I'm aware of. Waiting does not inherently improve survival, and thus does not get passed on as a born skill. There exists at least one psychology study that has focused on the concept of waiting, using the phrase, "delayed gratification." Children most often do not have this skill in their early years, and will overwhelmingly choose to have a piece of candy now over a whole bag of candy later. The basic needs of survival encourage the individual to fulfill their need NOW, and ignores the potential fulfillment in the future. In a wild and uncivilized setting, indeed, fulfilling the need with the opportunity now would have a higher survival rate.

Now as we grow older, we learn to concept of waiting. Many struggle with it, as it goes against basic survival instincts. Food now vs food later. Drink now vs drink later. Wait for food until we get home. Finish your task before water. I know in my childhood I struggled with these and felt things would make much more sense in the other direction. I'm thirsty, and my focus is on my thirst, and not whatever task I've been assigned to complete. I'm hungry, and all I can think about is my next meal. And yet this concept of waiting gets in the way. A concept that only works under the condition that a later fulfillment can and will occur. A child who is told to wait and then they can get a drink but never gets the chance, or one who passes up food now on the promise of food later that ends up enduring discomfort for food later that doesn't happen or doesn't fulfill the need: neither of these children will easily understand and cooperate with being told to wait.

As an adult this concept is far easier to understand with higher levels of thinking and brain development, yet can still pose a struggle. Gambling addicts spending their money on tickets in search of more money now, unable to wait and save that money to have more money later are a common example of this struggle. Many adults are able to financially handle themselves and lead financially stable lives barring any major unforeseen circumstances. Yet just as many, if not more, are unable to think past the end of the week. They receive their paycheck, spend what they have to on bills, then spend everything else on whatever they want at the time, only to run out before their next paycheck and suffer through those next few days.

Those philosophical examples are just a small sample of the concept of waiting though. On a personal level, I don't like waiting. If there's a large crowd by the elevator, I'll take the stairs. If the restaurant is busy, I'll start looking for other places to go. If someone is walking slowly in front of me, I'll see if I can pass them.

Waiting feels wrong. Intellectually that feeling can be suppressed yet it remains. A very basic level of instinct telling me that waiting is dangerous. That to remain still is to be in immediate peril. A sense of panic can rise up and wrestle with the sense of reason. And yet as an intelligent creature as our species has so claimed itself to be, through the miracle of self control these instincts remain manageable.

Waiting has uses, times and places, yet here and tonight I won't be going in to those. I'm tired and ready for bed, so instead of waiting and elaborating, I'm wrapping up and going to sleep.

You're keeping me waiting. I understand the reasoning behind it, and I agree. I still don't like it, and I know myself to be very petty. So if when the waiting is over you decide to move forward, when we reach that point you give yourself to me, I am ready. I will accept all of you, make you mine, and treat you such that you will wish you hadn't waited so long.

I'm petty,

ready,

and waiting.


End of Waiting pt 1- The concept and the reason.

"Noun:
The state or fact of existing, occurring, or being present in a place or thing." From Google.

Sometimes you can feel someone's presence just by thinking about them, a warm, fuzzy feeling or a chilling, unsettling one. Sometimes you spend all your time with someone, and find yourself distinctly aware of their lack of presence in their absence. Sometimes you hardly spend time with someone at all and never notice their presence much. Sometimes the presence is commanding, direction making, guiding and drawing those around it. Sometimes the presence is cautious, careful, checking everything and everyone while proceeding slowly. Sometimes the presence is bright, shining, drawing those around it onward and upward. Sometimes the presence is gooey, dark, weighing down everyone around. And sometimes, that presence is warm, soft, peaceful. 

A presence that sings with a delicate strength that inspires those around it to protect it lest it break. A presence that eases the worries and loosens the knots in the muscles. A presence that expels the inner toxins in a sigh of relaxation and relief. A presence of beauty and admiration, kindling that inner fire of hope. A presence that feels of open arms welcoming to a safe space free of burdens, of welcoming home. The kind of presence that makes one want to hold it tight and never let go, yet one that must never be handled without care and caution lest it stifle and shatter.

I yearn for this presence, of days spent just being near it. Of letting go all the outside world and simply existing with it. A refreshing break from the constant chaos and strife that is life with all the bits and bobs bouncing around and getting into places they wreck havoc.

I'm weary, tired, worn, spent. I hurt. I need to catch my breath.

I'm going to sit here for a while.

It's time to rest.

I find myself thinking about what I want every now and then. It's a normal process for me, kind of like a spring cleaning of my goals. I look at my old goals, and determine if they are still goals I want to achieve, or if they are goals to set aside or remove. It's not a quick process. It's not a long process, either. A few weeks or so usually lets me wrap up the gist of it, and then I can make smaller adjustments as I go along. And that's what I've been doing for the last few days, is mulling about those things I want.

I want to live. Not just being alive, but actually experience life. I want to experience many different things, and many of those things over and over. I want to relish in my ability to go places, spend time with people, see things, hear things, feel things.

I want a home. I have my own place, an apartment. It's much better than my previous living space, living with my parents to save on those hefty rent expenses. I want a home that I can make just so, a home I can choose to change without worrying too much about what the owner of the space will say. All within the zoning laws and code for safety of course. I want a home I can fill with things I value, a home I can raise my daughter in, a home I can make memories in.

I want to raise my daughter to experience the best life she can. I want to show her as much of the world as possible, taking her on trips, exploring many new skills together, teaching her to walk her own path with confidence.

I want a career. A job where I can go to work and feel I've contributed with my efforts of the day. A place where my coworkers treat me with respect, and my managers or supervisors treat me like a person. A place I can go to for several days a week, put my effort in, and then come home. Coming home is one of my favorite parts of the workday. Not because I resent the work, but because home is where I'm most comfortable and coming home means feeling safe.

I want a wife. Not just a girlfriend, or a kink partner, or a friend with benefits. I want a woman I can put my full trust into. Someone I can love, who loves me in return. I want someone who can love my daughter and see her for the wonderful yet sometimes frustrating person she is, someone who can help guide her in this rocky world as she grows into an adult capable of finding happiness. I want someone who I can share my roughest troubles with, someone who can support me when I'm needing it. I want someone who shows consideration and helpfulness, intelligence, kindness. I want someone who can join me on the roller coaster of life, someone who can scream with their hands in the air at the exciting moments. Someone who I can hold close and be held close in return. I want someone who I can shower with my affection in all my silly or over the top romantic ways. I want someone I can cuddle with on the couch while we both do our own thing.I want someone who helps me be a better me.

I want the strong trust of a BDSM relationship. It means as much if not more to me than a wedding and ring, and I want it all. I want a woman I can share my desires with, someone who wants me to share those desires with them. I want those moments of service, the quiet yet powerful moments of simple service that speak volumes of care, of attention, of trust. I want those experiences of trust being built as we explore gradually further into the relationship, strengthening that trust and knowledge of one another. I want those sexy outfits worn and the fun activities to be had in them: photos, bondage, wax play, pet play, sex.

I want the physical intimacy. I want to kiss my partner, not just a quick peck but a full kiss. I want to touch them, to have my hands wander over them and explore their exquisite curves. I want to feel their reaction when I find a good spot, to hear their body reacting in pleasure from just the right stimulus. I want to pleasure my partner, and I want them to pleasure me. I want to have sex and plenty of it. I frequently find myself horny, and I want a partner I can share those desires with. I want to bring them to climax, and then do it again.

I want many things from my life. I'm going to keep working towards them, every step I can. Hopefully I'm heading in the right direction.

I've been emotionally turbulent these past few weeks, and I knew the source of it. What I didn't know was why? Why did this shake me so? Why was I feeling out of breath, exhausted, dull and deflated? Why did I feel directionless, listless?

Introspection has always been one of my traits. There's nothing more interesting to me than understanding myself, why I do the things I do. So when I find something new, I spend most of my spare time tinkering away in the back of my head in attempts to further understand myself. I'll admit the process proceeds far slower while under significant duress,  though I've had a few weeks now to process those emotions and I think I'm coming out the other side of that mess. So I sought to understand why I had been caught so off guard.

Comparison really is the root of all evil. I think, without someone to compare to, I would have been frustrated at most. Maybe even a little upset. Certainly not as distraught as I was. Alas, there was precedent. A recent one. Poly relationships can always get messy as the number of persons included in the relationship increases significantly compared to a one on one. Having that other person walk the same path I believed I was on felt almost like a guideline to follow, and I took it as such. Sure, he started several months ahead of me. Yet I was told the process was the same, and so I looked forward to those milestones.

Watching his back as he reached those checkpoints and continued on was both frustrating and inspiring. The frustration was the bundle of feelings I felt from starting late and of jealousy, watching someone else develop the relationship I wanted to have with her. It was bearable though, as she told me that I was also very special to her, that she normally wouldn't have considered poly but for me she would. These words were sweet like honey and I adored them. During the waiting period we agreed on I would occasionally feel a need for reassurance that yes, she was still interested in me. And I would get that reassurance. Still, watching him spend time with her, have her stay over, explore with her and receive all of her attentions.. I was jealous. And I told myself, that I too could reach that point one day, as long as we both continued to agree on pursuing a relationship together. So I told myself it was part of the journey. I pushed the jealousy I was feeling, over something I had no right to, to the back of my mind.

The goalposts kept moving, and I kept chasing them. Reaching where I thought they were, only to learn that they were actually further ahead. Feeling those emotions build up, the excitement rising, only to have that bubble popped and another uphill path appear ahead. The first time was rough. The second time was brutal. The third time.. I cried.

I often joke I'm like the energizer bunny. When I have a goal in mind I can keep marching towards it relentlessly. I still believe I can, though I've learned that my feet can ache, my legs can throb, my back can be sore, my head can be heavy, and my heart weary. I've had some comments on my earlier posts that told me I should cut my losses, and maybe they'll think me a fool, but I'm not ready to do that yet.

I have a goal, I have hope, I have the will to continue. Once I commit to someone, it's very hard to turn away. 

Maybe that makes me a fool. I don't think I mind that too much.

I'm spent. Worn out. Empty. Hollow. Giving and giving and giving.. and feeling like I'm trying to fill a tub with the plug pulled. Offering my time and energy to Shilbalba! Exaggeration maybe, to relieve the internal struggle.

We talked. Talking helps, talking allows us to tell each other where we are at. I need to improve my talking, as properly communicating should have prevented the situation I find myself in. I tend to flex my needs and behaviors in favor of moving forward. I can wait longer so the other person can take the time to feel comfortable. Focusing on the things we have in common, and letting go of some of  the things I would really enjoy.. but only if the other person enjoyed them as well. The thing itself isn't what I enjoy. the person doing the thing, with the purpose of doing it for me, that's what really gives me the thrills.

Sure, a sexy woman in fancy lingerie catches my eye. Seeing my woman dress in fancy lingerie and show herself off for me because she wants to give me that pleasure, that thrills and excites me.

Sure, rope bondage is artful and interesting. The level of intimacy between the rigger and the rope bunny as one gives up their freedom of mobility while placing their trust in the other, and the intimate contact while ensuring the ropes sit just right, that thrills and excites me.

We had a wonderful experience together where we dipped our toes into a handful of different activities. There were hiccups, as can happen when people try something new. There was plenty more that made it an enjoyable weekend. It was a big step, I thought. We had discussed staying over and exploring our compatibility as people during regular day to day activities. There were reasons we couldn't stay at your place, and there were reasons my place didn't quite make the cut, for the moment. So we found a compromise and worked out a solution.

You said you'd feel better if we were able to try things out for the first time in a neutral area, like a hotel room. I found us a nice hotel with a decent room, and we planned out our weekend. I had an internal struggle that I didn't talk about, one of my recent moments where I could have shared openly. I felt desperate, I could say. Over and over my attempts to set up a time that worked for both of us, make a plan that worked for both of us, and get things into place... were shot down. In fairness a good most of those times were due to reasons outside of either of our control. Still, I was worried that if I made it seem like a burden, this time would disappear, too. Everything else that could come after was hinged on breaking the ice, getting this first time to happen and start building a foundation. There was no hope for things to continue or be explored until this first thing was checked and done. So I reassured you it wasn't a burden and it was all fine. I was told your comfort zones would best respond to this course of action, so I did my best to ensure a neutral ground weekend to comfortably explore could happen.

We did it! We managed to get that first encounter to happen, opening the door to more down the road as our busy schedules allowed. That's what I thought.. It hasn't quite happened that way yet. One thing or another always seemed to come up. There was a while where I was living with someone else, to save on rent and keep my expenses small. They had pets that you were allergic to, and they were frequently home with little to no privacy for fun activities. A point that kept reappearing was that lack of privacy and having my own space. It was a very frustrating point, yet I tried not to worry about it too much as I would soon move into an apartment all to myself.

And I did. The excitement of having my own place felt great. Privacy, my own rules, my own space without having to share, it felt great. In that state of excitement I invited you over to stay. There no longer was an issue with sharing the space with other people, and there was plenty of room for you. No pets, just whatever remnants lingered around from the previous resident. I offered you the bedroom, and I would sleep on my couch to spare you my snoring, as well as clearly showing I wasn't trying to jump to sex. I want to spend time with you.. during a regular day. A day where we don't have any specific plans made. A day where we just hang out together and see what the day brings. It hurt when you laughed at my suggestion.

Sure, it took me a moment to find the liquid soap so you didn't have to use the bar by the sink. An issue I wasn't aware of, and wouldn't have been if you had never come to my apartment. It wasn't a problem with me, I personally prefer liquid soap due to bars usually getting messy over time. The rejection felt like excitedly running around a corner, face first into a wall. We did the first time in a neutral area, right? I had my own place now, with privacy and plenty of space and necessities taken care of, right? You said you wanted to, that you were open to the idea.. but not now, as I had just moved in. It was a logical point, I still hadn't put everything away yet. There was plenty of room though, the things not yet put away weren't taking up much space and mostly were out of the way off to the side. You said you wanted to, but your actions said you didn't.

Winter time hits the emotions a little harder than usual as the lack of sunlight disrupts the normal vitamin D production. Yet I've been feeling it for a while now, just ignoring it and excusing it and explaining it away to reassure myself. After all, she was telling me yes, so that meant she wanted to, right? I feel strung along, on the hook. I feel I'm giving all my energy to the idea of exploring a relationship together, and I'm being met with the energy of someone placating an overly excited child. I don't feel great. I've already developed intense and sturdy feelings for her. Yet I feel I'm being intentionally kept at a distance, in that zone between being pushed away and having my desires realized.

It hurt knowing that my need to ensure that the person I was developing interest in wasn't someone who would bring as much strife to my life as my ex and coparent put me behind in my pursuits of you compared to someone who.. didn't. It was my own personal choice and you had no way of knowing. Its in no way your fault. It hurt, and I was frustrated and upset with myself. Yet I wasn't surprised either, as someone like you being single shines like a light at night the moths gather around. So I ignored the feeling that I was just too slow, too careful. The year we discussed came around, and you'd already decided to date someone else, yet you also expressed interest in dating me. You had several discussions and decided to consider a poly relationship, something new to you, to see if we could work that out.

I should have said no. Feeling like second fiddle, the backup plan. It hurt. Developing feelings for you, while watching you be with someone else.. feeling like someone was squeezing my heart. Waiting for "my turn," that one year date to decide if things would become official. Falling in love with you while calling for hours every night and finding days to hang out together, while knowing you're giving yourself to someone else.. and I'm left outside. It's what I agreed to, but watching the warm cozy house have dinner while shivering outside in the snow felt horrible. Yet I felt disgust at myself for these feelings.

You weren't mine, we weren't officially in a relationship, I had no right to feel that way. So I smiled it off and stuffed it away, telling myself that the struggle was temporary. There would come a day when that struggle would end, the day we had discussed and decided on to really decide to have an official relationship. That moment grew into an emotional support pillar, something to tell myself that the unpleasant feelings I struggled with wouldn't last indefinitely.

That day came and went, and instead of a definitive answer, instead of a time frame, it changed. You wanted things to grow naturally, as you'd been having some struggles emotionally with your current partner that made you rethink your ideology. That emotional supporting pillar I was leaning on that helped me get through the feelings of jealousy and heartache just vanished. What? It felt like I'd been suckerpunched. The wind left me. I couldn't process it well at all.

I was fine with waiting, even knowing that I was interested in you from the moment I told you. I was fine with waiting, slowly falling in love with you while quashing my unwanted struggles with your current relationship. I was fine with waiting even when that other relationship grew strained, and I did my best to support you so that you could figure out a solution that would best work for you. I was fine with waiting, because we had discussed and agreed that a year was a good, reasonable amount of time to make sure neither of us was getting into a mess like our previous relationships again.

And then I was told I might be rushing things? I might be moving too fast, behaving too excitedly? It's been two years, and I needed to use the brakes? I felt bamboozled. I struggled to make sense of things. To reason it out. Was I rushing? Was I not respecting her needs? Was I in the wrong?

Even now I don't know. I'm still reeling. Its been what, two weeks already? I don't know what to think. I feel lost, and I don't know where to begin to make the world make sense again.

The craving only intensified.. that completely insatiable urge to just.. cuddle. To just spend time together. Not doing something planned with a schedule and time frames to worry about, but just.. spending time together. My heart aches and wishes, just to hold her, to feel her presence, to just live in the moment and spend time together.

I hurt. I'm a mess. I've fallen in love with this woman, and I'm still out in the cold. Am I in the wrong? Maybe. It's hard to process these emotions. I'm hurting, and I want to stop hurting. I want to curl up and not move until it stops hurting.

pah. I'm pitiful, infatuated. Maybe I've been projecting my enthusiasm onto her. Maybe I've been deluding myself, and now that delusion is starting to fall apart. In my head, maybe I gave so much more meaning and depth to things that did not have them.

I do know I need to spend time looking inward. Sorting myself out and picking myself back up. The body's signal of pain is a sign that you're doing something wrong, and I'm finally listening. I need to recenter myself, understand myself and these messy emotions spinning out of control.

Writing here is one part of that process. Putting it out and reviewing it later can provide insight I can't find in the moment.

If you're going to critique me, please be polite. I don't usually care if people are nasty as I usually can brush it off no problem.. today is different.

Hollow. I spent today feeling hollow. I enjoyed my work, as I usually do, but it only went surface depth. I was distracted. 

Work hosted a holiday party, with free food, games, and giveaways. I spent a good two hours playing a competitive team game with my coworkers. It was a blast! When it was my turn to sit one out, I went up to the scorebox and got my hands on the mic to dish out some sparky commentary. Filled up on free food, as I always will, and enjoyed a nice gift. Shared some stories, loaded up on leftovers, and went home. 

The hollow feeling was waiting for me at the door. The pain of the morning emotional turmoil burned itself out, leaving a large empty space that just ached mildly. 

In our conversation last night, you said what you needed now was a friend.  Your needs are valid. Your actions and choices for how you want to live your life are up to you. I'm not mad at you for taking care of yourself. Self care will always remain a priority. 

I care about you, deeply. More so than I've told you, as part of me worries that showing the full affection I have for you will scare you away with our current status as friends with flirty and dirty minds. I care about you, and what you need now is a friend, not a new relationship with more emotional confusion to figure out as most new relationships tend to have. 

So I'll process my turmoil, and I'll focus on the things I can do. I can be there for you, as a good friend. I can listen to you, laugh with you, and care about your wellbeing all while staying in my lane. Or I will, once I take the time I need to work through my emotions. 

You have hard times potentially ahead of you, and it helps to have someone to turn to for support and to step away from the chaos of life. So I'll do my best and be there to support you, with the hopes that you make it through with minimal difficulty or even the hard possibilities not coming to pass.

 For myself... my feelings won't go away. They'll still be there, waiting. I believe that hard times will end, and we will both have the freedom to try new things together.  It still will ache, and some days I'll have wishful thinking.  

Who knows, maybe someday things will move forward. Until then, my focus is on the path ahead, face up, feet forward, towards that Star and straight on until morning.  

End Part 2.

Today I cried.

A blurred vision, face twisted, sobbing cry.

It's my own fault really. I didn't keep enough distance emotionally to handle my current relationship status: A friend. 

More than two years ago I met someone I found interesting, exciting,  beautiful and sexy both physically and mentally. We started hanging out and chatting.

More than two years ago, I realized my interest in exploring a relationship on a more intimate level. We'd already discussed some related topics, and gone over our screening process for dating prospects.  We agreed that things should be explicitly stated to ensure no confusion.  

Months later, I'd given myself time to analyze and understand my interest with you. Was I lonely,  and excited to find someone to fill that loneliness? Was I horny, and thinking this was feeling was relationship interest? Was I wanting a relationship so much I was convincing myself that I wanted one with you and glossing over any incompatibility?

About a year and a half ago, I felt assured that my interest in you was genuine, as a whole. About a year and a half ago, I told you directly I would like to explore a deeper relationship than friends with you. About a year and a half ago, we set a date a year out to revisit the conversation and see if things were still that way.

About 8 months ago, my feelings had only continued to grow. We continued to hang out and spend time together.  About 8 months ago, I felt I was going to burst if I didn't say something.  To profess my feelings for you in a big romantic gesture. This was still before that agreed upon year out day. Forcing my feelings onto you felt disrespectful and selfish.  So, I found another outlet.

About 8 months ago, I wrote a love letter by hand. I wrote everything I loved about you that I could think of in the moment. Giving those feelings a space to exist outside of myself gave a sense of relief. I no longer felt like I was denying myself, and I wasn't forcing my emotions upon you either. I haven't told you about that letter, though I did see it recently.  

About 6 months ago, I caught myself while on a phone call with you. Instead of saying goodbye and goodnight,  the words "I love you, good night." Almost slipped out. This one sided emotion was inappropriate, and I felt embarrassed it almost came out, and glad I hadn't said it. 

About 5 months ago, the agreed upon one year day came, and went. I waited with much anticipation for a few days, though at the same time telling myself it wasn't the time. You were dealing with some emotionally heavy things already, and pestering you about starting a relationship or exploring it would have been wrong on so many levels. So I waited. 

About 5 months ago, the topic of that one year day and going further did come up. We talked, and with respect to the stress you were dealing with, we agreed it wasn't the right time. 

About 3 months ago, that topic came up again, as the situation you were dealing with was no longer as urgent or threatening as it had been. We discussed again, and it was now myself having extremely stressful situations to deal with. I was worried my stress would hurt you, and I told you I needed some space to handle my matters. I was trying to seperate my problems from you, so as not to cause unnecessary harm. I regret the results of this still, as it lead to more delay in that idea of exploring a relationship. 

About three months ago, in the midst of my life turmoil, I decided I didn't want to let fear and what ifs control my life, in particular my relationship with you. There will always be struggles and stresses to deal with, and if every one of those pushes things back, I'll never reach that next step. About three months ago, I expressed this. You were firm in your stance that we should wait until I had solved my current dilemmas, and I reluctantly agreed as the logic was sound. 

This week, I solved those dilemmas. The topic came up again about moving forward... which would again be delayed. More significant events were on the horizon for you, and you didn't want to add this to them, or worse, make that decision in a mentally distraught state. It makes sense. It makes sense. It really does make logical sense. It still hurts. 

Last night, we had a discussion.

This morning, I sobbed my way to work.

Which I have to head in to now. End of part 1.