I believe since I had my first real time experience as a submissive; I had changed drastically. Back when I was twenty one I did not understand why a dominant would call them self as such if they did not wish for the emotional and mental dynamic that comes with this type of relationship.
Due to the fact I am a bit of a demisexual I did not understand the point of a casual dynamic until I found myself with a partner or so whom obviously did not wish for the long term in a relationship that I did. The thing for me is while the aspects I desire in a relationship are more monogamous leaning I can find myself in a poly relationship; I find that my own happiness comes from the energies provided as an introvert.
The hardest part for me in finding a relationship is actually the dating; and the extroverted sensing bit; while I take awhile to allow myself to submit deeply due to my cautious nature. Once in a serious relationship with a dominant; I know that I tend to take my loyalties easily as it does not take me long to fall in love with the person. I have tried attending a few munches over the last few years; but often there would be too much activity around them to truly get to know others. I am okay with taking my time as outside of the lifestyle I find other ways to keep myself occupied such as my ambitions of being a writer.
I don't truly get lonely although I may wish to submit as I miss having someone I can share this bond with.When I was younger; I would often place the blame on myself when a relationship was not working out; now looking back I simply recognize in many cases the partner I was with was not in compatible with me. But looking back I have enough insight to recognize rushing into anything for myself does not work out well. Some may say there is a risk to getting in a good relationship. How can I tell in advance if the relationship is worth the risk? I simply can't and there remains a risk to being taken advantage of in ways that do not fit with me. I'd rather take my time slowly and get to know someone.
To me its amusing as I am reaching the end of my writing as I am starting to question if I should have outlined my thoughts out rather than freely express myself through my journey. Notice I had not even discussed the particulars? I am hoping in the future to go more into depth about my search and my journey. I apologize if this was any bit of sad; I tend to be more future oriented;looking for the best of my life rather than the negative aspects but I did want to write about my journey and I can't escape the past by doing so.