My rants

I have been dealing with health issues. I believe I have PCOS and it causes a lot of problems. . . from depression and anxiety (on top of my own depression and anxiety) to hormonal issues and lack of desire and pain with sex. Until I can find a doctor who will listen to me, I do not want make someone else miserable having to deal with me. I'm NOT a torturous and brutal dominant. 

I just find it funny that when I confess "I am NOT looking." and I keep getting guys wanting me to "dominate" them.

First of all, I do not have my life organized to even consider allowing other people in it, whether it's FLR or a vanilla friendship. 

Secondly. . . You need to get to know each other and feel a connection, before I will even start my dominance. 

Thirdly, I admit on my profile, I am seeking readers, so read my profile and my blog. 

Thank you. 

Back me to hiding while I figure out my health problems. 

I tried to get on vanilla sites to find friends even guys on those sites wanted sex. They all just want to have "fun" and I kept saying that I could not enjoy this "fun."
I will NOT do something that I cannot enjoy. . . what is the point to that?
I even deleted my vanilla profiles because people were just not listening or reading what I wanted. (Except my okcupid, I’m addicted to the questions.)

I just keep getting people who will NOT read my profile, and they instantly think a one to two line message is instantly going to change my mind. If you want to message and actually talked to me: Please read my profile and blogs and have something to say other than can I knee for you and/or serve you. (The Dominance-submission does NOT happen overnight; they has to be a genuine connection between to the two people.)

Actually, I was the relationship that I wanted, but I could not handle sex anymore at all. I am not interested and to be honest if you read my blog, you have noticed that my last blog said that I have stopped looking because out of last ten guys at least nine of them want sex. (At least three admit that they only want the sex part of the dominance. However the other six claim they do not want sex, but secretly they want sex, but they just want to beg for it so they can feel submissive.) Please do not lie about NOT wanting to get off. If it wasn’t painful, I would want to get off too.

Many guys message do not read my profile, only want the sex part, want to be an instant submissive without doing the communication work to build the connection. . . the dom-sub thing will NOT work without the connection: and you need communication to have a connection. 

Even guys that claim they just want to be friends (because they have a girlfriends) still bring up the sex. I’ve even tried to be friends who submissive who have girlfriend (or I found out after communicating a while down the road.) it makes me feel bad when a taken guy said that he excited to talk to me but has a girlfriend waiting at home. (I was that girlfriend in the background while my supposed boyfriend was more entertain by someone else and ignoring me when I was pain mentally, physically, and emotionally. . . I felt sick and useless . . . and on top of that not good enough for him.)
So if I have male sub friends, I need to them to be single, but not desperately lonely that I am just filling an emotional hole. There has to be some meaning, some connection between the two of us, there has to be many common areas, NOT sexual.

I think I am going to try to take sex completely out of my life for a while. I need to focus on my horror aspect of writing and my health aspects.

I plan to write more blogs, but now until down the road.

It's official I've stopped looking. . . it's NOT because I found someone. (My story does not have the romantic ending.) 

It's because no one really cares. I have gotten three guys say that they love me and four guys swear that they are instantly drawn to me. . .  (it's all just fake. . . just words. I write words everyday. Never tell me you love, physically show me you love me, clean, buy me a house, get me a cat etc) 
However none of them know anything about me . . . my last name, my real picture (my FB profile pic is a cat on purpose), that I have mental or physical issues or that I try to help family.  (That is just from Words with Friends. . . I play the game not to meet old creepy guys who want me to paid them because they say they love me or for me to take care of their kids while they cheat on me.) 

On the fetish sites, the guys just want me to deny orgasm or tell them what to do. They don't care to get to know me, to build the connection that I need for a relationship. 

In the last four years, I have not truly been excited over talking to a guy for more than a day or too, because they find out I'm NOT about sex, and they are gone. 

I may not get a bot, but I get a brainless, careless scamming man which is just about the same. 

My heart is broken. My female parts are broken. Mentally I just want to focus on my writing (not worry about how I'm supposed to direct a horny man.)

At this point of my life, I am finally enjoying me. Writing, cooking, and cats are what make me happy.  

I will keep posting on my blog if an erotic moment inspires me, but until I hope you find your true partner and find that connection. 

I am a writer. It's what I get out of the bed for. (I would give up sex and love to get my book published.) 

I have noticed that for everyone one guy to comment on these blog, three woman do. (First of all, thank you for reading and  Secondly, thank you again for taking the time to comment.)

However the guys that seem to message me. . . don't even read my profile. . . (They are on my hard limit list and still message me. . . Hard limits are just like deal breakers. . . It means if you are on the list, it will NOT happen!)

Next to a submission, I want my next guy to be a reader. I have even stated on my profile "I am seeking friends and readers." 

If you cannot read and understand my profile, then there is no way that you will get along with me. 

Intelligence is a turn on for me, and reading is where people get intelligence. 

If  you cannot read a profile, then please move on. 

I need someone who gives me daily communication. . . 

I want a real conversation. . . not just what directions am I supposed to give to the sub. 

I am seeking a connection and committed relationship. 

I need someone who wants to learn about me. 

I need someone to want me for me and is interested in me. 

(I communicated with my ex for 3 months online. . . exchanging life stories, questions, writing stories together and to be honest I want and need that again.)

I want someone makes me excited for humanity again. 

Even if we are living together, I would want them to message me at lunch just to let me know that they are okay. 

The idea of Dominance and submission is second to communication. If you cannot communicate first, then dominating the sub will NOT work. 

If you are NOT to communicate each day with me, please move on. (NO CATFISH . . . be honest in your communication.) 

Note: I will not meet with someone until I have talked with them everyday for a week. 

I need the extreme "subs or wanna be slaves" to stop messaging me. I am NOT seeking an online anything.  Please, darn it, read my entire profile before messaging me. 

I have this profile up and blog up to promote my rants and erotica writings.   This a direct quote from my profile "I'm just seeking friends and blog readers (followers)"

I was in a FLR (female led Relationship.) I think it was more micromanaging (my ex was horrible with money and getting the bills paid or budgeting food) than dominance sex. (However I did choose when we had sex 90% of the times, the other 10% he found my naughty spots.)
I am NOT an extreme dominant . . . I am NOT into humiliation or pain. (yes, I have my mood swings, but growling or yelling at someone does NOT turn me on. I will never deny a sub a meal for a punishment.) 

Please stop asking to be my "slave" or "sub" or that you know me with two lines. (especially if you do NOT live close, I will NOT do a long distance relationship. I tried it once and it did not work out.)
I am very complicated. I need to eventually meet someone in person and chat online daily.
They are driven by a desperate loneliness and want any dominant to fill in the hole of their life.
You need to learn about the other person. I am NOT just seeking to dominant someone. I want them to want me for me (not just my dominance). I want someone be not just my submissive but my boyfriend. . . This does NOT happen overnight. 

I have a bad compulsion to reply back to anyone who writes to me, even if they are idjits. (It's a bad habit, but I hate when I write to someone and they do not write back. If I took the time to write and show I am interested, at least take the time and tell me you're not interested so we can both move on.) If I tell you why I am not interested, please do NOT say you can change, just simply move on. 

First of all, I'm trying not to rant so much, but lately so much has stomped my nerves . . . ranting is best (less violent) way I can get it out. 

I'm glad many agree on my rants, so I really don't feel alone. So thank you for the likes and comments, and even the messages. 

Anyway, back to the current rant. . . 

I am not looking for sex at the moment. This does NOT mean I will let off some random guy. I am demi-sexual, which means I need a submissive guy who is genuinely into me as I am into him. There has to be a connection and trust (even yes, love and affection) before I can physically touch him. However I cannot enjoy sex as orgasm for me are painful (and pain is a dealbreaker and turn off) 

Many guys just do NOT understand. . . I have not had sex in over 4 years and I have not fooled around in over a year. . . I am not looking for it as it is NOT worth the pain. (I have not found many guys worth a conversation, there is no way they are even worth the pain.) 

If I did find a decent guy, and we got in a committed relationship, I still expect something in return to even think of getting them, off. (because it's not fair that they get to enjoy a release and I get nothing. . . )

This is the biggest reason I haven't even tried to look. 

I am sick of random men who instant think I am young and horny. They get so surprised when I say I am not interested in sex. . . (as if they have a cock of gold, whatever.) 

I even have some say they are not interested in it, and yet when I try to talk about something else. . . . they block me, or stop talking. (Not interested my big ass. . .  LOL) 

I've had a hard time just making friends because even guys who claim to just be friends. . . get in that horny zone, sooner or later. 

I am thinking I need to get asexual friends. 

I've been through so much this week. . . and yet I just keep getting people into sex. 

Best thing this week is that I got a compliment that my erotic writing is better than the author from 50 Shades of Gray. (I appreciate the comment, but she is published and I am not.)

It I know this is personal, but I am trying to find people to under me and what I am going through. (I also want people to know why I am so depressed and cranky. I do believe that sex puts endorphins that create a moment of relief and possible contentment. I wouldn’t say direct happiness, because sex to me is more forced, anxiety and at times very awkward. I understand why people drink first. I feel that sex with someone is the ultimate connection with them. It’s like fitting puzzle pieces together. It’s even harder to fit people together with their kinks matching.)

I have not had what I feel is sex in over 4 years. . . (when a guy penetrates, grunts and is done is NOT sex. It’s greedy if only the guy gets to get off. Or hand jobs in a car at the end of the date is not sex either, it’s just a teasing, quick release . . . it’s like a pec on the cheek instead of a kiss on the lips.)
 There better be turning me on, LOTS of foreplay and I better orgasm three times for the guy’s one orgasm. The thing is when I orgasm I really get wet, and I do NOT need lube. (A guy will NEVER penetrate me without me getting wet first. If I am not wet, then I am not into them. Kissing, making out, grinding, is huge for me.)

Anyway, I have not had sex in four years.  (I had dated and was in a half-ass relationship with a guy over my age limit and he tried but only complained about back pain, which was good because I was cramping.)

Anyway. . . I have fibroids and endometisos (both are female issues that are in the pelvic area.) However whenever I try to orgasm, I end up cramping for around days (and I have not found a man or woman worth the pain as pain is a turn off for me. When I am pain, I am very grouchy, even my own family calls me the bear.)
Vanilla or kink, it makes dating for me very hard as most people expect sex. (I have had people say that they are not looking for sex, but once they read my blogs or get in to the perverted mode, that all gets thrown out the window.  Please just be honest, even I enjoy sex with the right guy and I’m not in pain.)

The problem is even the other day, I was stressed, and I was trying to get some release . . . I tried to get in a frisky mode and get myself off. I know a few spot in which once I am in a naughty mode, I can quickly get off just by rubbing that perfect spot (which men never seem to find. LOL). I forced my feeling simply to get release, and I guess I was just too greedy. I had hit that magical spot and felt the my pussy tighten. . . you know that moment where your body gets all tense just as the orgasm builds the few moments just before you explode . . .  and my caves got extremely tight just before a charly-horse and that bad tension went up both legs. . . my thigh muscles were solid and painful. Then when it was supposed to hit orgasm. . .  it felt like a pounding lighting went down my legs and up my back at the same time. The pain was so intense that I could barely breathe. I had no release just pain.

I have told several doctor that I have issues with painful sex and they just do NOT care. . .

I try to write about this, but at times erotica is just a huge tease. (It’s like look what I can’t do.)

I feel like a failure because my body does NOT work right.

Majority of the subs on these sites just think the only way to satisfy a dominant is sexual. I just want a heterosexual guy who is submissive and into me (not just because I am dominant, but because they really like me and that we have a connection. Or at least a reading friend (female or male) who I can talk about writing, sports, cooking or cats with.) Why is this so hard?

I have always had a very vivid imagination. . . sexually it is not any different. 

Since I was told about my health issues (experiencing pain with orgasms). . . I realized that physical sex was off the table.
(This makes find a real relationship vanilla or dom-sub, difficult as 95% of relationships have some kind of physical element. I kind of have given up on seeking love, seek, or any connection other than just friends. Finding asexual has been very hard for me.)

Anyway. . . I write out my fantasies. . . weather is it's from tying a guy down, deny his orgasm until he gives me what I want. . . or vampire or ghost sex. . . girl on girl etc. (I have learned that i cannot write out my limits.) 

I am just wondering if I should keep posting or get them published?

(Note: I also write paranormal and horror as it is not something I cannot do in real life. So I also write about sex.) 

I have written this blog probably three times now. . . (A part of me wonders why am I writing if no one cares to read that damn thing. . . sighs)

I will do something most people do not do. . . admit my real age. I am 36. I am NOT a baby boomer, and I am NOT a millennial. I think my generation was closer to generation X if I look up things.

Anyway, age should equal experiences and self-discovering. . .

If you are 21, you have not seen much of real world. . . a high school relationship is not one like living together where you both work and have to find time for each other. (My suggestion travel, go to college, experiment with the same and opposite sexes. . . figure out who you are and what you want . . . what really makes you happy. For example, writing, cooking, cats, cuddling makes me happier than the best sexual experience ever did.)

I did not know who I was until I was at least 30. I had a handful of boyfriends (not all of them I was naughty with either, some I just dated. However I figured out who I wanted through the experiences, and yes not all of the experiences were good. . . I have been cheated on, lied to, and unsupported. I have also been praised, cuddled with, and loved.)

As for those who are over 50 who keep hitting on me (most when playing words with friends). I am NOT seeking older men! They want a younger woman because they instantly think they are instantly horny or they would have energy to take care of their kids. (or they are using a fake “catfish” romance to scam money out of the desperate lonely women. I have no extra money, if I did I would have a cat, not a man and for those who are scamming, may your computers get a virus.)
I cannot have kids and I do NOT want kids. I am NOT a kid person. My friends, with kids, and I barely talk, and I even take off kids type ads off my computer. (I’m burnt out and got no credit for kids I did help raise when I lost my teenage years.)
As for the romance and marriage thing, I really do NOT think it’s for me. No one within my age limit (30-39, maybe 25-30 or 40-45 if truly connected) wants to take the time and work on a genuine connection, then we work at things one day at a time.
 Most people my age are too busy working because there is very little job security. (but I’m stopping the politics)

I tried dating a few guys in their late 40’s and they were stuck in their ways and cranky. We also hardly ever agreed on anything. We never saw eye to eye.

I also get the older guys who treat me like a daughter . . . damn it I’m a dominant, and I do NOT need to your weird old-guy wisdom. (Do not tell me I need to clean your house or cook you food as you are the man. . . or that I am writing too much.)
I have three parents that are alive and if I want them chew me out, I would start a fight with them. I do NOT need a man my parents’ age in my life.  (Most of them have been married and are usually divorced or widowed with kids. . . by the way with divorce, who divorced who and why? And again I am NOT into kids!)
On my naughty pages, I am here for blogging and erotica stories (which I think I am going to collect and get publisher).  I do not mind a chat, but I don’t even writing about too young of men or older men.
On words with friends, I am just there to simply play a word game of scrabble to keep my brain fresh. They say that words games help vocabulary and writing skills. (I am not there to make friends my parents age. However I wish to have a few my own age that see things similar to me.)

Age may be a just a number to random people, but it’s more than just that too me.  (At least respect that when I say I am not interested.)