My passion put to page…

So I have been poly for the last 16 or so years. When I became poly, it was not popular. There were no people who were poly, particularly in southern Oregon. So for me that meant continually educating and convincing people that it wasn’t cheating or just an excuse to sleep around. I’ve been educating my lovers on the ins and outs of polyamory for most of my adult life, and at this point I’m sick of it.

And yet, I can’t abandon it. Because the few times that I’ve experienced the true openness of freedom that comes from the sovereign boundaries of being poly, I’ve never felt more loved and appreciated. My ex wife and I were poly. Polyfidelitous, specifically. We dreamed of a family together with another wife. We dreamed of living on land, raising children, growing our own food. The crunchy hippy poly dream. We bought three rings (we’re cheap folks) when we got married, fully intending to meet and fall in love with another woman. We weren’t kinky at the time, so the idea of D/s wasn’t part of our lexicon. In retrospect, we definitely had strong D/s elements to our relationship, but certainly nothing like a true D/s relationship.

And when it ended, I came to understand that I needed to explore kink. It had been on the back burner of my mind for so long and I was afraid of opening Pandora’s box. But I needed it for my healing.

I discovered power exchange. I discovered impact play. I discovered a wide world of kinky wizardry and I felt for the first time like I might belong somewhere sexually. And yet that damn poly thing...

For me, it’s not control if I can’t decide the direction of my family. It’s not control if there’s a hard limit on how we interact with other women. And for me the only reason someone demands monogamy is because they secretly or overtly fear they aren’t enough. I need a woman who can surrender that control to me. To trust that if I say you are enough, that you are. If I say I want another submissive in our life, that it’s not about you or your ability to please me. Do friends compare each other thinking “What does he give him that I don’t?” Do we compare employees wondering why the boss had to hire a second one? What are the differences here between a partner and these examples?

For me, the difference is fear of loss of control. And while I fully understand that feeling and don’t begrudge anyone for needing that, I cannot be their Master. I no longer have the patience to battle that in other people.

And the great irony is that I no longer care for the dream of being poly. I may want multiple submissives, but that also sounds like a lot of work unless the stars align and my sub and I fall in love with another woman. I simply want to rule the world of a woman who’s heart and mind inspire me, and I don’t see that ever being a fully monogamous woman.

Thanks for reading.