The Masters heart

My how time flies. It’s been almost two years now since I wrote in this blog, but it feels like only yesterday. But what a difference two years makes. 

I feel like a part of me has been asleep. Like the wolf in my soul has been resting, waiting for the call of the moon. The clouds of doubt and despair had hidden her from view, but like the wisps of smoke from a campfire, the clouds have dispersed in the breeze. The falling darkness of the new night reveals her silver light. It’s falling around me. Calling to me in whispers. 

“Wake up...”

It’s so easy to get lost in taking care of everyone else’s needs. It almost becomes second nature. Ignoring yourself. Always focusing on what everyone else desires. Sometimes the hardest thing to do to set everyone else aside to focus on yourself. I’m struggling to do that right now.

 
I’m sitting on the tailgate of my truck. Parked on the banks of a small lake. Listening to a set of campers about 100 yards away, playing music from the 80’s and 90’s through the speakers of their little white beat up Ford ranger. It’s a good song. I remember listening to it in high school. Can’t remember the name. Something about comparing a girl to a comet. 

 
There are little fish jumping near the bank to snatch the last bugs of the season, before winter finally decides to blow its icy breath. The sun is to my left. The trees are still mostly greens, but there are patches of browns and yellows and oranges. The lake isn’t large, especially at this part. I can see the far side clearly. There’s a boat about half way out. Drifting along quietly. The two people in it are slowly tossing their rods and reels out in the open water. 

Just a few minutes ago, I had four ducks decide to come pay me a visit. Two large, two small. Three of them were white, but one of the smaller ones was covered in browns and greens. Had a few crackers in my truck. They ate them greedily out of my fingers, then wandered back into the water and swam away when they realized that no more food was forthcoming. 

 
Bohemian Rhapsody just came across the radio. The sun is slowly making its way towards the horizon. Sliding silently behind a few distant clouds. The slight breeze that was so comfortable just a moment ago has taken on a soft chill. 

 
Mmmm... the sun’s back. Warm on my shoulders. 

 
Blues, whites, greens, browns... these are the colors that are surrounding me. Nothing is black-and-white. And yet, everything is simple for a moment.

 
The boat just fired up its motor, startling one of the ducks on the water into flight. It’s speeding quickly away. I guess the fish aren’t biting today.

Another truck just pulled up. A big black Chevy. I had hoped to find a place where I could be alone with my thoughts. Oh well. It may not be what I was hoping for, but it’s working anyway. I can feel my stress starting to melt away. Not much, but enough. 

 
I’m getting a slight whiff of wood smoke from someones campfire. It’s nice. I’ve missed that. 

I guess it’s time for me to start thinking about heading back.

I said it before, I'll say it again: in all things there is balance.
Strength isn't given. It earned. You aren't born with it. You don't 'just have' it. You don't get it for free.
Physical strength comes from going through the process and the pain of stress and struggle. You lift weights. You run. You sweat. And you get stronger.
Strength of the heart is no different. Emotional strength is no different. Stress and struggle builds strength.

Everyone here has a battle they fight. Everyone has a wound that they care for. So this blog post is for everyone here:

Sometimes it gets to be too much. Sometimes you have to let go and ask for help. That's ok. If that's where you are right now I'm going to say to you what was said to me last night. And I want you to know that you can come back here and re-read this any time you need to. You ready? Here it it:

You are loved.
You are wanted.
You are needed.
You are never alone.
Focus on the things you know you can do, not the things you can't change.

Just because you haven't succeeded YET doesn't mean you have failed. It means you have survived. It means you have found another one of the ways not to do it. Thomas Edison once said that he found a thousand ways NOT to make a lightbulb. Those thousand 'failures' aren't why he is remembered in the history books. The one success - attempt #1,001 - that's what he is known for.

So when life gives you lemons, squeeze lemon juice in life's eyes and tell life to go fuck itself because you hate lemonade.

I've been through worse, harder, and far more painful things than this. They didn't kill me. They made me. They are the things that give me the strength to be who I am. They are the things that made me a Dom. This isn't going to kill me either. No way. Nice try life, almost had me for a second there... but it's going to take a lot more than this to get me. I'm a Dom motherfucker.

(And for the record: this applies to subs too. It takes an incredible amount of strength to truly surrender yourself to another person. That's why we (Dominants) value that true submission so highly. So this is for you too.)

So go. Don't give up. Embrace failure a thousand times if that's what it takes. And know this: if you ever start to think that you're alone, trying to push an immovable boulder up an impossible mountain, just look to your left or your right. You'll see me. I'm pushing on it to.

We got this.

I have stood up on the sands of this ancient shore, and felt the waves of time lap against my naked feet.

I have listened to the seductive cry of the sirens call: "Come to me and have at last the lasting peace..."

I have walked along the wastes of life and time and listened to their silent, sorrowful, song.

For tonight I have looked death full on in the face... and called him friend.

As a Man, I have been taught to suppress emotional pain. To hold it in. To deny it. As though feeling emotional pain and discomfort is a sign of weakness. It's a lesson that our society presses so hard into us as men, that it is nearly impossible to overcome. As a Dom, that expectation seems magnified a hundredfold, even though I know that's just an illusion of my own making.

Tonight I am going to attempt to overcome that illusion. Not for the benefit of anyone else, but for my own. Once again, I am writing for myself. If you are reading this and find value, I am pleased... but that is not my purpose for writing tonight. This is me, being vulnerable, and recognizing that some may choose to see this a a weakness. I choose not to. 


There is a balance in all things. An equilibrium that is naturally reached when you accept who and what you truely are. Sometimes that need for balance causes an emotional pendulum effect... you are filled with overwhelming pleasure one moment, only to feel heart wrenching pain the next. You feel love fill you to the point of overflowing, only to find yourself drained to your core by apathy the next. Lifted on the wings of ecstasy only to later be crushed under the weight of depression.

These waves are a natural part of the journey... or at least that have been a natural part of mine. I find that the more I understand about myself, the more stable that sway becomes. The closer I get to self-realization, the smoother the waters become...

...most of the time that is...

...but sometimes, things just happen. The placid waters are suddenly turned to chop when a boulder violently breaks the surface and shatters the calm. An explosion shatters the gentle silence with deafening consequences. Dynamite tears the foundation out from under you, and in an instant and the air is suddenly filled with choking dust as the tower of your life crashes down around you.

This is where I am right now. My eyes are burning. I can hardly breathe. I can't see where I'm going. I can't hear anything but the fast, steady, rhythmic beating of my heartbeat and an intense ringing in my ears...

...but I know that this will pass. The dust is going to clear. The ringing in my ears will fade.

It is not my intention to air my dirty laundry for all to see, but as I said this is for me. This is to remind me that it's going to be alright. This isn't a loss, its a bump in the road. When the dust clears, you brush off, save and salvage the parts that are valuable, and re-build.

So stop.

Take a deep breath...

...let it out...

...and MOVE.

Do what it takes. Focus on the solution, not the problem. Distance can be overcome. What is lost can be regained. Don't quit. Don't give up. Don't let go. Hold fast to what is important, and free yourself of what isn't.

And as a special "note to self:" Yes, I am a Master, but I am also a servant of one who is much higher than I am. He knows what is going to happen. He is in control. He knows what He is doing, even when I don't have a f**king clue. He is trustworthy, and He has NEVER let me down.

So I'm here. I'm hurting. I have cried tonight until I don't have any tears left to cry. The stress from what's happening has my stomach tied up in knots and my head pounding. I cant sleep. I can't think. My heart is wounded.

But I'll heal.

This isn't going to be my usual type of post. I usually just write for me. This time I'm writing for you. This time I want you to read this.

   I see a problem and I don't think I'm alone. I've sat in the chat rooms and watched. If you've been on The Cage long (or any BDsM site for that matter), then you know that there are plenty of people here who don't belong. People who are lying. People who have claimed to be something they aren't.
   If you are one of these people you are going to hate me for this, but I'm going to show everyone here exactly what you are... and what you aren't. One of you has officially pissed me off.
If you new to the lifestyle, or if you aren't sure how to tell the 'fakes' from the real deal, then pay attention.

   I can claim to be a king, or a self made millionaire, or a Lion Tamer, but that wouldn't automatically make it true. Just because I say I am something doesn't mean I am qualified or able to be that thing.
   A ruler RULES. A self made millionaire MAKES MILLIONS. A Lion Tamer TAMES F***ING LIONS. There is only one test to see if someone is a true Dom or Domme: If they are, THEY WILL DOMINATE. They will command your respect and courtesy. They will demand your submission, and show that they are worthy of submitting to by more than just their words. They will command it with their presence and their actions. They will require it because of who they are and what they do.
Now let me be clear here: I'm not talking about someone who sends you a message out of the blue that says crap like "I'm a Dom. Kneel before me," Or "Hey, you wanna be my sex slave?" That's nothing but vocal vomit. I'm not talking about those who lie and stir up trouble for others. They are nothing but common gossips and unworthy of a better title. I'm also not talking about someone who goes around encouraging unsafe practices, or talks about doing things against their submissives will. Those that violate what is Safe, Sane and Consensual are little more than abusers, thieves, and rapists, and should be treated as such.
   A submissive kneels before a true Dom(me) because they are worthy of kneeling before and they have earned the right to that submission. A slave surrenders to a true Master or Mistress because they are worthy to serve. A pup exposes him/herself to a genuine Alpa because the Alpha is dangerous, but tempered. A baby girl snuggles up to and cares for her Dady Dom because she knows he will handle her...
   You can tell a true Dom from their presence and their mannerisms. A true Dom doesn't have to say he's a Dom. You KNOW he's a Dom. Its not a mask he wears, or a role he slips into in the bedroom. It's who he is 24/7. He may not always wear a suit, or leather, or whatever apparel floats your boat for your kink, but that doesn't change a damn thing.
   I'm a Dom when I hold the door for the woman at the grocery store. I'm a Dom when I kiss my daughters goodnight. I'm a Dom when I laugh with my co-workers at a corny joke that isn't really as funny as we want to think it is. I'm a Dom when I take a shower, or eat my breakfast, or when I fill up my car with gasoline. I do these things to be a the kind of Dom that my submissives need me to be - to be worthy of them. It's who I am - all the time.
   If you know me then I don't have to tell you I'm a Dom. It's obvious. Stating it is redundant. If a Dominant chooses to rule, they rule. They don't just talk about ruling. They aren't always harsh, or cruel, or pushy, but that's because they know that they don't have to be. Sometimes a gentle word is more effective at correction than a blow from a cane.
   A true Dom(me) will never stop pushing themselves for their subs. They will never give up. They will never quit. They may sometimes be overwhelmed, or stressed, or tired, but they won't whine and complain about it for more than they need. They aren't going to whimper and throw a lengthy pity party. They may show their vulnerability for a moment, but when they have taken the moment to let it out - to satisfy the balance, they will pull up their big boy/girl panties and move the f**k on. They will "focus on the solution and not on the problem" (thanks Terry). They wont be a victim of what happens in life: they will be a survivor.
   Look, for those of us who are really in this lifestyle, this isn't just a game to us. This isn't just what we do to have a good time, or to escape from our day-to-day stressors.

   There's a reason it's called a 'Lifestyle.' It's how we live our LIVES.

You kneel at my feet...

Naked and afraid of what's to come...

And yet longing for what's in store...

You shiver with anticipation...

Terror and desire...

Locked in a lovers embrace within your breast. 

You are mine (Servant)...

I am yours (Master)...

I will draw out your pain...

Like poison drawn from a wound...

I want your complete surrender...

I demand your heart...

I require your consent...

Because you gave them freely.

You are mine (Master)...

I am yours (Servant)...

I will unveil the beauty within you...

I will show you what I see...

In the aftermath of the moment...

We lay together...

Two souls lain bare...

I kiss away the tears of suffering...

And joy...

I hold you and protect you from the onslaught of the storm. 

You are mine. 

And I am yours.

Rules for my submissive:
1. I will know myself and be open and honest with myself and my Master.
2. I will communicate honestly and clearly with my Master, including the correct use of safewords (Enough).
3. I will always address my Master respectfully and appropriately for the given situation.
4. I will completely surrender my heart, mind and body to my Master.
5. I will do anything I can to please my Master and I will constantly think about and seek new ways to please him.
6. If I have been in violation of these rules in thought or action I will inform my Master and ask for forgiveness. I will accept appropriate correction and punishment for any transgression I am guilty of.

Rules for me as a Dom:
1. I will always act in my submissive's best interest, even when it contradicts my personal wants and/or desires.
2. I will always be open and honest with my submissive and will listen to their needs and desires.
3. I will always respect the use of safewords by IMMEDIATELY stoping the action that caused the use of the safeword and tending to any needs that the submissive has.
4. I will provide protection from as much harm as possible to my submissive. This includes harm from others, themselves, or from myself, and includes emotional and mental harm as well as physical.
5. I will Dominate my submissive. This includes but is not limited to the following: I will use my time, attention, instruction, discipline, even my cruelty, to take my submissive out of their comfort zones and force them to bend, stretch, and grow. I will not push them past the breaking point, but I will always endeavor to bring them to it. I will respect the hard limits that are established by and for my submissive. I will issue punishment and reward based on merit. I will constantly seek new ways to Dominate my submissive, and take them further.
6. If I violate any of these rules, my submissive has the right to revoke her consent, permanently or temporarily, thereby releasing herself from all responsibility or requirements imposed by the rules, demands or requests I have placed on her.

*Special thanks to SirShagsalot's response in the forum tonight. Helped me organize this and put it in writing. 

It's amazing to me how many people fail to understand the third part of the first basic rule: Safe, Sane and CONSENSUAL. If a Dom was to break that basic tenant, then they have betrayed their submissive and caused real harm. If there is sex involved, then they have crossed the line and committed rape. I'm sure I don't need to explain this (given my potential audience), but everything that happens in a D/s relationship has to be voluntary. As paradoxical as it seems, the sub is actually the one in control because it is their consent that must be given.

When a sub surrenders herself to me, it's a rare and precious gift she gives. Absolute trust. She is placing her heart, her mind, her body - even her very life into my hands. She is giving me her consent to take her and do as I will with her. To own her. To mold her, teach her, build her up... or destroy her.

That's why trust is so essential. It can take years to build the kind of trust needed for this kind of relationship to work. She needs to know - not just think, but know deep in her core - that I will not take it too far. She has to know that if she uses the safe word it will work. That I will stop. Every time. Immediately. No matter what is going on. She has to know that I will take care of her before, during and after every session. That I will protect her from all harm... especially from myself.

It's my duty to her to take her to her limits... not past them. To make her stretch farther than she thought she could, but not beyond her breaking point. When I accept her surrender and place that collar around my pets throat, I have to trust her to tell me when she's close. When she's at her limits. I have to trust her to tell me, either vocally or with her body language, when enough is enough.

I have to trust that she is telling me the truth.

That's why I will not tolerate my submissives or potentials lying to me. About anything. I have to know I can trust them, and vice-versa.

Tell me the truth, my dear. I promise you won't regret it. With truth comes trust. With trust comes complete surrender, and all the pleasures that come with it.

Beginning something new is always difficult. It's always more complicated than you first anticipate, and the final results are rarely what you thought they would be when you began.

A good Master loves his pets. He keeps their best interest at the forefront of his mind at all times. He does what needs to be done for them, and does everything that can be done to ensure that they have what they need before, during, and after. I understand this.

I understand because I was once the pet. I was trained by one who understood, for she had been trained. A true Master must understand his submissive. He must be able to empathize with the pain and the inescapable need to release it. He has to understand when to push harder, to increase the pressure, and when Enough is Enough.

We all cary wounds with us. When Mistress saw my wound, she took me under her wings and taught me. She cleaned the wound with pain and fire and water. It was excruciating at first. She taught me to embrace the pain. To make it mine. She trained me for three years. She pushed my limits. She took me out of my comfort zone, kicking and screaming the whole way, and when I started to get comfortable she brought it up a notch, again and again and again. I remember her voice whispering in my ear... completely sincere... "I love you, but this is going to hurt..."

Then she taught me to train another. She guided me from the shadows. She steadied my hands when they shook from the anticipation. She built up my confidence. She watched and advised.

She had torn me down only to rebuild me.

Then one day I realized she was gone. She never even told me her name.

That was over ten years ago. I have been the Master ever since.

One more time I'll say it, maybe for the last time, because now things inside me have changed and I'm beginning another new chapter in my life...

"Thank you Mistress for training me."