From Sir to u

Is there anyone here currently enjoying a real, in person, fulfilling D/s relationship that has lasted more than a year? Not talking about hookups when someone is in need or just wants to play. Do you currently  enjoy a lasting real, in-person, D/s relationship. What makes it enjoyable and fulfilling? What are your keys to success and longevity? What is it most people dont get? Would like to hear positive lifestyles not back in the day Look forward to your responses.

I have always thought of myself, and actually heard from previous submissives including the most recent one that I'm an excellent Dom.  This came crashing down recently.  Maybe not crashing just stinging.  My most recent previous submissive informed me that there was a single activity that we did that she didn't like doing but did it anyway because the Dom is the one who is in control.  This was a new revelation and something I had not heard from her previously.  She said she didn't mention which activity so it would never be taken completely off the menu.  

I have always prided myself on communicating to the submissive that she is free to communicate what she likes and what she does not like. Yes, the submissive gives control to the Dom, but the submissive still always maintains control of what activity she participates in during the D/s time.  So, imagine my horror when I hear this revelation from the recent previous submissive.  It broke my heart and upset me terribly.  The submissive should feel safe and heard.  The submissive should be doing the activities they want to participate in during D/s time.  Yes, the Dom is the tool that makes the activity happen, but at no time should a submissive just go with an activity because the Dom likes it even though she doesn't like it.  

Communication and trust are the pillars of a successful D/s relationship.  With these in place so much is possible. From a Dom's perspective, you need to know what the submissive is thinking and wants and does not want during D/s.  The reason I am writing about this is to remind anyone who reads this entry, communicate with your partner during D/s.  Talk with them.  Talk about everything and anything.  Communication is key,   

For the longest time, I have let my Dominant side sit in the backseat instead of right beside me.  It's been unfair.  My Dominant is part of me. It's who I am.  Originally, I wanted to be the Dom who not just did D/s activities with a submissive but was her confidant, her source for safety and her person to help her on her own journey. 

I got caught up in the day to day of life and forgot what I wanted from my Dom. I used to teach about the importance of clear communication and trust and being there for the submissive.  The result would bring me joy, selfishly.  It would fulfill me.  

When I come to the Cage I get reminded of those pillars of how to be an exceptional, caring Dom.  I ran across a blog post today which reminded me of this and what I strive to be as a Dom. It has ignited my Dom fire bright and glorious to full blaze. I will view it often. It's what I want from being a Dom. It 's how I want to be as a person and to be there for a submissive.

You should really the blogs of others here on the Cage. Not just from subs or Doms but from both. Sometimes you will run across one blog entry that will give you that ah-ha moment and make you feel that inspired again.  This is what has happened to me.

(Very vanilla) I waited for her in the parking lot.  She always runs a little late.  I was already out of the car when she pulled into the parking lot and got out of her car.  WOW! Who I saw before me was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and her yellow dress looked absolutely stunning on her. I was just as proud as I could be to be walking in with this gorgeous lady. We went in and sat at the bar.  She ordered her favorite cocktail, and I ordered some pinot grigio. She ordered some muhammara for us to share.  As we conversed, I made sure to continue complimenting this exquisite lady siting with me.  The muhammara was delicious, and the conversation was perfect.  It was a fantastic evening.  I told her after drinks I wanted to go to the busiest place in town so everyone could see me with her.

After a few drinks, one too many for me, but I held my own, we left the bar.  Again, I was in heaven, as this beautiful lady walked out with me.  Yes, I made sure to open her car door as she sat into her car.  We didn't have much time this evening so off to the bookstore.  Whenever possible I made sure to stand close behind her as her fragrance made me so turned on as if the dress and the lady before me hadn't already do it.  This was not your usual evening as we did a quick trip to target. As we went through the aisles, a violent storm came through and knocked out the power in the store.  I broke out the phone flashlight and we continued to an aisle near a wall as its always the people in the middle aisles in the horror movies who get hurt, lol. As the lights stayed off, I was able to enjoy her kisses.  There's nothing like her kisses.  They always feel perfect. We eventually made our way through the darkened aisles.  Its amazing how many people insist on shopping whether there is light or not.  We found our way to the furniture section and she found us a couple of comfy chairs to enjoy.  We sat in the darkened store holding hands.  Emergency lighting came on and thus we went back to the few items she needed to pick up along with some curtains for my recent updated dining room.  We made our way out of the store as the storm had subsided.  An amazing rainbow could be seen from the parking lot.  Time had well passed as she needed to get home to her kids. I bent down and enjoyed her kisses once more as the evening ended.  The beautiful lady with the yellow dress which looked so stunning drove off.  I met up with her on the road and was able to pull beside her briefly and enjoy that million dollar smile. 

It may not have gone exactly as planed but the evening was one I will not ever forget. 

While I enjoy passing along my Dom knowledge in forums and posts, I have a real issue with passing along knowledge to former subs.  I would rather for them to go look it up in forums and blogs then for a former to enjoy the fruits of my knowledge with someone else.  If someone you had an emotional D/s relationship with asked you for advice to use with someone new, how would you handle it?  

She can't stay away.  She tries.  She hates to admit it.  At the end of the day, she knows she's submissive and knows who satisfies her submissive cravings; me, I'm Sir.  I am an exceptional Dom.  I don't have to ask how to do something during an activity.  I've asked questions ahead of time, understand expectations, set guidelines and most importantly, watch and listen, focusing 100% on the submissive.  Watching her body movements, the her facial expressions and listening to every word or moan that comes out of her mouth.  You see I focus entirely on her. I don't stop in the middle of an activity for Q&A.  I make sure the submissive knows I am in control and will satisfy her wants and needs as well as those of my own, that's me Sir. Just focus on the submissive.  What makes it worthwhile is when the submissive tells you that you are the exceptional Dom and Sir understands what to do.  

By watching and listening, Sir knows her pace.  Sir knows when the submissive wants to be touched, how she wants to be touched and where.  Sir knows how the submissive wants to be spoken to, the tone, the cadence and when the sub wants to be spanked. Spanked hard and deliberate with Sir's bare hand.  Sir knows this and knows when the submissive needs to hear that she is a good girl and when the submissive needs a moment to quench her thirst or at the end when she just wants and needs aftercare.  Sir knows how to take the submissive to the places in her mind she desires the most.  At the end, the look the submissive gives Sir, is one of obedience and satisfaction as the submissive curls up to Sir.

Recently, sadly, the submissive tried with another to recreate that satisfaction. She asked questions trying to find answers to achieving the connection she had with Sir.  It's annoying until you learn of their lack of success to recreate certain moments.  As learned during Sir's early learning, if you train the submissive right, the submissive will come back to you. When the submissive tells you despite her actions, she sees Sir's face and hears Sir's voice. Sir receives a feeling of incredible satisfaction.  The submissive knows which Dom will protect her and take care of all of her needs. The submissive knows who has the right touch and demeanor. Yes, they do come back to you. 

I'm just communicating an experience. For better or worse...probably worse. Just rambling...

It's been a tough time recently. The person I enjoyed D/s with has moved on.  The end to a D/s relationship is really hard especially after quite abit of time has been invested. I'm an exceptional Dom who wants to be the only Dom in someone's life. I understand some people can play D/s with others, but it just seems odd to me.  I'm much more on building a relationship and earning someone's trust to enjoy D/s.  I've always worked hard to emphasize communication, communication, communication. With communication comes trust. Trust is key to a D/s relationship. With trust comes the ability to explore many avenues within D/s.  For me, there's also a close emotional tie that also comes with it. 

I always like to know where I stand with someone. When someone tells me, I don't know, to me, it means they don't want to say. Honesty is key to a D/s relationship.  Some though want the benefit of the doubt. Webster defines benefit of the doubt as the state of accepting something/someone as honest or deserving of trust even though there are doubts.  My biggest flaw is not giving someone that benefit of the doubt.  I've been burned several times in the past.  After giving someone the benefit in the past, the truth would come out later and it would make me feel embarrassed and foolish, like I was the only one that didn't know. 

In this instance, this person had very close ties to another male friend.  After a couple of trips where the two met up, the D/s part of our relationship ended abruptly. When I made an invite to D/s, the person said we don't do that anymore without any explanation as to why.  A couple of more invites were made, and the same response was received. I asked about their connection and as you can guess that didn't go well. Benefit of the doubt was brought up and caring more about what happened on the trips instead of the person.  Which is probably true and was a mistake on my part.  However, I like to know where I stand with people so I'm not the fool again.  What makes this worse is it happened over text! Like high school. 

It drives me crazy having deep and/or serious conversations over text.  You can't tell someone's facial expressions and it simply makes it too easy to say things you would never say in person.  Turns out, people have quite the mouth on them while texting, lol.  I can work with a phone conversation because someone's voice tells a lot.  You can tell emotion from voices and people are much more likely to be civil when voices are involved. By the way, it is true, when someone starts cursing at you, they have lost control of the conversation.  I do make a lot of mistakes and hope to learn from them.

It's hard when a D/s relationship ends. Emotions, communication and trust.  

I was asked recently why I prefer newbie submissives or strong experienced  submissives. I prefer them because I am building a good foundation of trust and communication. I listen and pay attention to the submissive. My total focus is always firmly on the submissive. I want both of us to have an incredible and safe experience. I read and listen to what more experienced Doms have to offer and I am exceptional as a result of their teachings and knowledge. I don't just run out here and try something without learning about it.

If the submissive wants to play with other "doms"  then I send them on their way. I dont need to be concerned about contradicting teachings.  I don't  have time to fix messes as a result of an inexperienced "dom" who won't pay attention to the submissive's actions or concerns. 

What are my standards?  I want the experience to be fun and safe for both people. I want the submissive to receive the benefits of my 100% focus and effort so we can both have incredibly rewarding experiences. I encourage inexperienced Doms to take your time. Read, ask questions, study and pay attention to the needs of the submissive.

This is an odd post.  Pull up a seat to the bar.  I've had the pleasure of a few submissives over the years. Some just ended because of work or life in general.  This one is different or so I thought . When you find an intelligent sub that you connect,  you get attached even though that may not have been your intention.  While in a D/s relationship with me, a submissive expressed that she would be pursuing a relationship outside of the D/s realm with another, but still wants the D/s play with me. Have you run into this scenario?  I wish I could say the scenario doesn't bother me at all, but there's that small hint of irritation. This new scenario makes me want to try to view the D/s play as an arrangement that exists soley to satisfy our D/s needs.  The worst part is when you are told by the submissive, the suitor or lady suitor has heard about our D/s play and has started reading up on the subject. Unlike the sub, I immediately think once the suitor finishes reading, they will want to try out their new knowledge.  A newbie, an inexperienced Dom will want to copycat the play with the submissive and I think, all the training I have given will probably go straight to hell. Thoughts?  LOL

The ideal scenario of course is to find that one who has a desire to enjoy D/s and one day maybe would like to be exclusive or even collared. The sites are full of people with fakes or robots after your financial info.   I've dated and cautiously approached the D/s subject. Surely, it would be easy to find a person with a desire and need for D/s, but in certain rural areas of the country, its just not that easy to find. Usually you get a strange look of disbelief of the topic if you bring it up while watching a movie or show that mentions the subject. My favorite is when you playfully spank her ass during sex and you either get stunned silence........, immediate stoppage of sex or you hear "don't ever do that again" followed by laughter and  "no really, don't ever do that again".  I wonder on a rare occasion, is my D/s desire, want and need important enough to me to pass up a nice, sweet person who has zero interest in the D/s. Can you extinguished the Dom burning inside of you? 

Do most subs prefer online or in person Dom's?  I'm the kinda Dom that likes the sound of a hand spanking a sub while she lays across the Dom's lap. In one scenario, I enjoyed her strapped to the bed, blindfolded and seeing from across the room her phone light up with a text probably from her ball and chain at home. It seems online, subs want it rough and to be pushed to all kinds of limits.  However, in person, she runs at the though of being fully taken by the Dom because that means to her she fully belongs to him.  Online subs seem to be topping from the bottom.  They don't have to commit and there's really no way I see of keeping her inline.  An online sub can abide by any rules they want.  I admit I did enjoy the times the sub would send sexy pics of her in bed or zoom with you doing something sexual, but its still within the confines of a tv screen. Maybe this is the future of D/s?  Also, if a sub has several online male friends from around the globe who she "talks" with knowing from what she has said in the past that the subject goes into the sexual realm, how as a Dom would you handle such a situation?  Is this just part of the life of an online sub? I am asking as I am just wanting to understand the mindset of an online sub. 

I am also curious about what would you do if  a sub said aloud in person, "at this point I would let you do anything you want." Would you throw the list of agreed rules out the window to shut her up and show her how much an aggressive, alpha male you can be OR do you just chuckle at her words knowing if you acted she would run home as soon as play was finished?  Yes, as a respectful Dom, I abide but the rules, but I sense from the sub almost a wish to toss the rules out.