Dr Lori Beth Bisbey: THE CAGE Kinky Proust Questionnaire
Dr Lori Beth Bisbey is a registered psychologist, accredited advanced GSRD (gender, sex relationship diversity) therapist, author, speaker, podcast host and TV personality who has spent the past 35 years helping people to create and maintain sizzling hot relationships without shame. She identifies as a queer polyamorous leatherwoman and is currently involved in two 24/7 M/s dynamics (she is the slave). She has been engaging in kink and BDSM for the past 44 years.
What is your greatest fear within a D/s dynamic?
Not being able to let go of control.
In what way has your interest in BDSM shaped your personality?
My BDsM is my sexual orientation. As sexual orientation is a significant part of personality, BDsm has had a significant impact.
What trait do you most deplore in other kinky people?
One true way - ism. People who believe that their way of doing kink/bdsm is the only right way.
From whom did you learn the most about BDSM?
That is a difficult question. I learned a lot from my first proper BDsM partner though that relationship was disastrous. I learned most of my early skills and lots about my role from my longest term Master (on and off for 39 years and counting). I continue to learn from leather family and especially my leather sister.
What has been your biggest kinky extravagance to date?
My toy chest - I have spent a lot on very high quality impact tools of many types.
What is your current state of mind in regard to BDSM?
I am a slave and work on my surrender daily. BDsM is present in my daily life. I am currently touring the UK with a talk called The Psychology of Fetish and Kink - so I am interacting with lots of people who come to hear me speak. I am invested in helping people to accept themselves as they are and get rid of any shame around BDsM and also helping them have the skills to create BDsM relationships that really work for them. There is a lot of misinformation that I strive to correct.
What do you consider to be the most overrated virtue in kinky people?
There is a myth that kinky people are generally non-judgemental. I have found that though some are - there are often factions in communities so many are not.
On what occasion would you lie to a D/s partner?
Other than refraining from criticising or hiding a surprise, I would not lie. Transparency and honesty are essential in D/s relationships in my opinion. I have found over many years that honesty always works better in D/s relationships (and in most relationships).
What technical BDSM skill have you mastered that you are most proud of?
Surrender - though I wouldn't say I have totally mastered the skill. I still work on deepening it every day. If you want a more play oriented skill, having an orgasm on command - I am particularly proud of this as having an orgasm with a partner at all was extremely difficult for me for a very long time.
What is your favourite quality in a submissive?
Willingness to serve.
What is your favourite quality in a dominant?
The ability to focus energy and intention - I love a dominant that is commanding and has such strong focused intention that it is almost impossible to resist what they command.
What words or phrases do you most overuse in regard to BDSM?
PRICK (personal responsibility in consensual kink), leather lifestyle, leather journey
Who or what has been the greatest love of your life in kink?
Both my Masters have been the greatest loves of my life in kink.
In which BDSM dynamic have you been the most fulfilled?
As a slave in at least one full time dynamic, part of a leather family that is very close.
What BDSM related skill would you most like to learn?
Boot blacking
If you could change one thing about your interest in BDSM, what would it be?
I would love to be able to switch a bit - I am useless as a dominant.
What do you consider your greatest achievement in your exploration of BDSM?
Being able to surrender. I am a control freak so surrender has been the most challenging and yet the most rewarding.
If you could die and comeback to have a kinky experience as a different person or object, what would it be?
I would be a professional slave.
Where would you consider to be the perfect place to live a kinky lifestyle?
Having your own island would be perfect. A place where people could be invited for events, you could leave to attend events all over the world but return to your own private sanctuary.
What is your most treasured possession from your exploration of kink?
My first leather collar.
As a kinky person, what do you regard as the lowest depths of misery?
Not being able to live as myself - having to be in constant control and take responsibility for making sure everything is going as it should.
How would you guess others would describe you as a BDSM practitioner?
I am told that I am a lot of fun to play with and my energy is tasty.
What quality do you most value in your kinky friends?
Their honesty, support and great energy.
What word or phrase do you believe to be most overused when it comes to BDSM?
either BDsM/Kink/slave/leather journey. or 'lifestyle'
What is your favourite kinky book?
I have two favourites: Celia Tan's Telepaths Don't Need Safewords and Janet E Morris' High Couch of Silistra series.
What is your favourite BDSM tool?
It depends on my mood. I love the drums sticks and mallets my Master uses (I am his human drum) and I adore a good deer skin flogger (and an elk and moose flogger too)
Which fictional character would you most like to have a D/s experience with?
Chris Parker (from the Market Place Series by Laura Antoniou)
As a kinky person, with which fictional character do you most identify?
Estri (from the Silistra series)
Do you have a literary quote or piece of poetry that inspires your kinky life?
(slave) under my Master's hand, I was suddenly wealthy. Opulent is life in the light of such freedom that comes with surrender to a man who will accept no less'. Janet Morris, The Golden Sword
What song describes your attitude towards BDSM?
I have a whole soundtrack for different BDsM attitudes - Masochistic Beauty by Marvin Gaye is on my mind at the moment
What is your favourite sensory experience in a scene?
Again this depends upon my mood... I love sharp edges, I also love wax play. Sometimes I enjoy being blindfolded so I don't know what to expect. Most of all I love energy play - the feel of that energy being pushed into me and pulled from me.
What is your greatest regret in regard to your exploration of BDSM?
I have no regrets.
If you could die in the throes of a kinky scene, how would you like to go?
I would want my Master to draw all the energy from me, until there is none left.
What is your motto?
Ask for what you want because closed mouths don't get fed.
Follow Dr Lori Beth Bisbey on Instagram, Twitter, Tiktok and drloribethbisbey.com.
The original Proust Questionnaire was a series of questions answered by the French writer Marcel Proust and included in a "confessional album", a parlour game popular among Victorians. You may have seen variations of The Proust Questionnaire on the American television series, Inside The Actors Studio, or in the back pages of Vanity Fair Magazine. THE CAGE kinky version is designed to reveal something of the subject's personality and relationship with kink, fetish, and BDSM.
