Alesandra Madison: THE CAGE Kinky Proust Questionnaire
Alesandra is the creator of Dom Sub Living, a leading resource for those exploring BDSM dynamics. Through her podcast, courses, and online content, she helps individuals navigate power exchange relationships with a focus on trust, communication, and personal growth. Her platform fosters a supportive space for both Dominants and submissives.
What is your greatest fear within a D/s dynamic?
My greatest fear in a D/s dynamic is losing trust. It's the foundation of BDSM, and without it, everything crumbles. We're all human, so I worry about communication breaking down or boundaries being disrespected. BDSM isn’t just about physical safety, it’s about emotional safety too.
In what way has your interest in BDSM shaped your personality?
My interest in BDSM has definitely made me bolder and more adventurous. I’ve learned to embrace my desires and let go of societal norms. It’s given me a playful side that loves to explore boundaries and push limits (consensually). Plus, it's taught me that life is too short to take everything too seriously!
What trait do you most deplore in other kinky people?
The trait I most deplore in other kinky people is arrogance. BDSM is about mutual respect, and nothing is worse than someone acting like they know it all. We’re all on our own journeys, and there’s always more to learn, regardless of experience.
From whom did you learn the most about BDSM?
I’ve learned the most about BDSM from my Dominant. His patience and attention to detail have shaped my understanding of submission and D/s dynamics. It’s been a journey of mutual growth, and I wouldn’t be where I am without his guidance.
What has been your biggest kinky extravagance to date?
My biggest kinky extravagance so far has to be a custom dungeon piece we ordered. It's a padded spanking bench that doubles as a storage chest for our gear and toys. It’s beautifully made, super comfortable (well, for what it is!), and really elevates the whole atmosphere during scenes. It was definitely a splurge, but so worth it!
What is your current state of mind in regard to BDSM?
Honestly, I think BDSM is in such an exciting place right now. It's evolving with the newer generation bringing in fresh perspectives, and people are also more vocal about what they want and need. It’s amazing to see the community grow and embrace so many different dynamics, identities, and kinks. It feels like we're moving in a more inclusive and educated direction.
What do you consider to be the most overrated virtue in kinky people?
I think the most overrated virtue in kinky people is perfection. Many get caught up trying to 'do BDSM right' or have the 'perfect' dynamic, but no one’s perfect. What you see on Instagram isn’t real. Kink is about learning, growing, and making mistakes. Striving for perfection can hold people back from truly enjoying their dynamic.
On what occasion would you lie to a D/s partner?
I'd definitely lie if I was in full brat mode! But it would have to be about something small. A little consensual mischief keeps things interesting.
What technical BDSM skill have you mastered that you are most proud of?
Definitely rope bondage (as a bottom). I’m really proud of how far I’ve come with learning to stay calm, present, and mindful during complex ties. It’s not just about the physical restraint but the trust and connection that comes with it. Plus, I love the creative side of it!
What is your favourite quality in a submissive?
My favorite quality in a submissive is anticipatory service. There’s something so special about a sub who can sense what’s needed before being told. It shows a deep understanding of the dynamic and a level of connection that just makes everything flow so naturally.
What is your favourite quality in a dominant?
My favorite quality in a Dominant is consistency. Knowing that they’ll follow through, stay steady, and be dependable makes all the difference. It builds trust and allows me to fully let go, knowing they’ve got everything under control.
What words or phrases do you most overuse in regard to BDSM?
I definitely overuse the phrase "communication is key". I know it's a bit cliché at this point, but it’s because it's so true!
Who or what has been the greatest love of your life in kink?
The greatest love of my life in kink has been rope bondage. There’s something about the mix of trust, restraint, and creativity that just pulls me in every time. It’s intense and intimate, and no matter how many times I do it, I always feel like I’m discovering something new
In which BDSM dynamic have you been the most fulfilled?
I’ve been the most fulfilled when my Dom and I switched to a 24/7 D/s dynamic. There’s something about the constant connection and structure that really resonates with me. It’s not just during scenes, it’s the daily rituals and the ongoing power exchange that keep me grounded and deeply satisfied.
What BDSM related skill would you most like to learn?
I’d love to learn more about suspension bondage. I’ve always been fascinated by the technical skill and precision involved, not to mention the intense trust required. It’s one of those skills that seems both challenging and incredibly rewarding.
If you could change one thing about your interest in BDSM, what would it be?
If I could change one thing about my interest in BDSM, it would be holding onto that beginner’s mind a little longer. There’s something so exciting and freeing about being new to everything. I wish I could tap into that more, even after all these years.
What do you consider your greatest achievement in your exploration of BDSM?
My greatest achievement in my exploration of BDSM has been letting go of the religious shame I carried for so long. Embracing who I am was a huge turning point. It allowed me to truly enjoy the lifestyle and accept myself without judgment.
If you could die and comeback to have a kinky experience as a different person or object, what would it be?
I’d totally want to be a cat so I could fully enjoy pet play. I'd have a loving and cuddly side, but I'd also be constantly scheming.
Where would you consider to be the perfect place to live a kinky lifestyle?
I’m lucky to live in California, where the kink community is so vibrant. I used to live in the San Francisco Bay Area and absolutely loved it. There’s such a strong, open-minded vibe there. Now that I’m in LA, I feel like I still have that advantage. Both cities are so kink-friendly, and it really makes a difference in being able to explore the lifestyle without judgment.
What is your most treasured possession from your exploration of kink?
My most treasured possession from my exploration of kink is my collar. It’s not just a symbol of submission, but also a reminder of the trust, growth, and connection I’ve built over time. It holds a lot of meaning for me, and every time I wear it, it brings me back to those deep moments in my journey.
As a kinky person, what do you regard as the lowest depths of misery?
As a kinky person, the lowest depths of misery for me would be being trapped in a dynamic where there’s no trust or respect. Without those, the whole experience feels empty and even damaging. It’s that feeling of giving so much of yourself and not having it valued.
How would you guess others would describe you as a BDSM practitioner?
I’d guess others would describe me as their friendly neighborhood kinkster.
What quality do you most value in your kinky friends?
The quality I most value in my kinky friends is their openness. I love that we can talk about anything. There's no judgment, no awkwardness, just real conversations about our kinks, boundaries, and experiences. It’s refreshing to have that level of honesty and understanding.
What word or phrase do you believe to be most overused when it comes to BDSM?
I think the most overused word in BDSM is 'ethical.' It’s like everyone’s slapping 'ethical' on everything to sound morally superior. Of course, we want to be respectful and consensual, but the word gets thrown around so much that it’s lost its meaning. Let’s focus on actions, not just labels.
What is your favourite kinky book?
My favorite kinky book is The New Topping Book. It’s such a solid, practical guide with real insights about power dynamics, and I love how it breaks things down in a way that’s accessible but still really deep. It’s a must-read for anyone exploring the lifestyle.
What is your favourite BDSM tool?
It sounds boring, but my favorite BDSM tool is a flogger. It’s so versatile. You can go from soft and sensual to intense and thuddy, all with the same tool. Plus, there’s something about the rhythm and connection during a flogging session that I absolutely love.
Which fictional character would you most like to have a D/s experience with?
It’d definitely be Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones. She’s got that perfect mix of power, strength, and compassion that would make for such an interesting dynamic. I'm not much a fan of the show, but who wouldn’t want to submit to Emilia Clarke's character?
As a kinky person, with which fictional character do you most identify?
I most identify with Princess Leia. She’s got it all: strong, independent, a bit of a brat when she needs to be, but also fiercely loyal. And of course there's the whole 'slave Leia' moment. She’s the perfect mix of resilience and rebellion.
Do you have a literary quote or piece of poetry that inspires your kinky life?
I'm a total Star Wars nerd, and I’m constantly saying 'Only a Sith deals in absolutes.' It fits so well with BDSM because nothing is black and white in this lifestyle. It’s all about negotiation, flexibility, and understanding that dynamics shift and evolve. Absolutes just don’t work in kink!
What song describes your attitude towards BDSM?
Showing my age, but I'd have to go with Control by Puddle of Mudd. It’s gritty, raw, and perfectly captures that intense desire to both give and take control. It speaks to the power dynamics and the energy exchange that I love about the lifestyle.
What is your favourite sensory experience in a scene?
My favorite sensory experience in a scene is definitely biting. There’s something so primal and intimate about the sensation of teeth sinking into skin—it’s that perfect mix of sharp pain and deep connection. It always brings me right into the intensity of the moment.
What is your greatest regret in regard to your exploration of BDSM?
My greatest regret in my exploration of BDSM is not trusting my gut about toxic teachings early on. I got caught up in thinking certain ways were the 'right' ways, even when they didn’t feel right to me. I wish I had listened to my instincts sooner and avoided some of the harmful advice that didn’t align with my values.
If you could die in the throes of a kinky scene, how would you like to go?
A little morbid, but I’d want it to be from a blood choke. The idea of just passing out in that moment of pleasure and surrender sounds so peaceful.
What is your motto?
Have fun. Sometimes we try to make everything so serious in BDSM that we forget to have fun.
Find Alesandra at https://domsubliving.com
The original Proust Questionnaire was a series of questions answered by the French writer Marcel Proust and included in a "confessional album", a parlour game popular among Victorians. You may have seen variations of The Proust Questionnaire on the American television series, Inside The Actors Studio, or in the back pages of Vanity Fair Magazine. THE CAGE kinky version is designed to reveal something of the subject's personality and relationship with kink, fetish, and BDSM.