Pleasure Bound: Knowing If Your BDSM Date Is the Real Deal

By CAGE Staff(staff) February 21, 2025

You've met someone amazing online. They seem like the perfect match, but...almost too perfect.

I get it; in the world of online dating, it can be deceptively simple to pretend to be someone you're not. When you come across someone who seems like that perfect fit, how do you know if they're really as amazing as they seem?

Today, let's talk about how to know if your potential online BDSM date is who they say they are with steps you can take to slowly gain trust in one another while getting to know one another.

First, Understand People's Hesitations

Before we dive deep into the ways you can make sure your online BDSM date is who they say they are, it's important to understand the context in which you're asking your question.

That is, please remember that kink, BDSM, and sex spaces can come with genuine risks for people participating within them. If someone's driver's license name and identity is linked to their online kink activities, they can lose their job, their kids, and even their governmental financial support. If they live in a country that has strict homosexuality or adult content laws, this can even be the catalyst in actual jail time or heavy fines.

This, of course, entirely avoids the potential possibility of bad actors within the dating community too. Being able to find out who someone is and where they live can lead to stalking, harassment, assault, blackmail, and rape.

It's important to keep this context in mind when trying to verify when BDSM dating. Exposing personal, identifiable details requires a certain level of trust and vulnerability. Once you start providing these details to someone, you're giving them a little bit of power over you; when someone is trustworthy, this can be a slow dance of gaining trust. When someone isn't trustworthy, this can be dangerous.

Remember what you're asking for when you ask for someone to verify themselves for you - and be understanding if they're not at a place where they want to put themselves out there like that. Third party services (like the verification system at THE CAGE) can help mitigate some of those risks by trusting information to a company instead of an individual person, but any disclosure about kink can have potential risks.

With this in mind, starting with lower-risk verification methods is always recommended. This allows everyone to build a base of trust before higher-risk verification asks.

To make it easy, these tips to know how your BDSM date is who they say they are are listed in order of lowest-risk to highest-risk for the partner under verification.

Where You Meet Matters!

Where you choose to try to meet people can make a big difference on who you find and how likely they are to be who they claim they are. Some platforms (where anonymous sexual exchanges are the sole focus and accounts aren't required) attract people who don't want to be identified. If all you can do is type in a text username and then text chat one another, it can be really appealing to people who don't want to be themselves.

On the other hand, if the platform makes profile pictures a primary function and encourages you to fill out an entire profile, you can easily start to narrow down your choices based on who hasn't put in that basic information. If someone hasn't bothered with providing basic details on their profile, this can provide some insight before you start to get to know someone.

Even better, if your platform (like here on THE CAGE!) encourages discussion and interaction in a non-sexual, group setting, it can attract people who are looking for long-term social connections - not just sex however they can get it and an interest in saying anything to make that happen.

How your chosen site allows people to register can also make a big impact on the resulting user base. THE CAGE, for example, requires a phone number at sign-up to reduce scammers and bots from being able to create mass new accounts. No commercial accounts are allowed, keeping you from running into someone who's simply trying to sell you something. These boundaries can make it easier to find what you're looking for when you're using the site.

Simply choosing a platform that's more focused on group connections (in addition to the one-on-one!) can make it more likely that your pool of people is seeking some of the same things you are.

Pay Attention to When (And How!) They Respond

When someone responds to your messages can be potential indication of when they're available. If you're worried that someone is married, for example, they may be available to chat all day while at their day job, but as soon as 5PM hits, they'll go silent until the next day. If you make it to exchanging photos, you may find that those selfies are rarely "in the moment", and they'll send you shots of "what I looked like last night" instead of sending it when they take it.

And you already know: if someone doesn't respond to you unless they're horny, they're probably not looking for anything beyond sex - even if they tell you otherwise.

You can also pay attention to the language they choose to use when they're responding. We all make slip-ups when we're casually chatting. If someone says "Oh, we've been to the Grand Canyon! It was great!" during a discussion about National Parks, it may be a warning sign that they were (and currently are) partnered for that endeavor.

Exchange Non-Identifiable Photos

With cameras attached to cell phones, we live in a very visual world. Exchanging non-identifiable photos can be a relatively low-risk way to start to get to know one another.

Non-identifiable means that you may crop out faces or that you may blur any tattoos or birthmarks that would make you easy to identify.

If you'd like to take this one step further, you can ask the person under verification to hold a picture with their username and today's date. They can still crop out their face and blur any birthmarks if need be, but this can at least give you some reassurance that their body belongs to them. In the age of social media where it's extremely easy to download photos, this can be a big reassurance.

Remember: your phone may attach EXIF data to every photo you take. For the highest level of security, make sure your photo is devoid of all EXIF data before sharing it with someone online. Otherwise, your photo may, quite literally, just contain the exact address where the photo was taken.

Voice Chat

There are a whole lot of services nowadays that allow you to voice chat. Not only does this help you get to know one another better, but it also can be a great way to figure out if someone is who they say they are. And the best part? Here on THE CAGE, Premium members can enjoy voice and video chat directly within the platform. No need to leave and reveal another account or use a third-party service—everything you need is right here. It’s a secure, seamless way to connect!.

Practically, it's simply harder to come up with excuses or lies in the fast pace that voice-to-voice communication requires. People will be more likely to accidentally slip up.

Even better, consider multi-tasking while having this voice chat. If someone's brain is focused on an online game that the two of you are playing, it can be hard to devote even more attention to catching themselves before they say something that exposes themselves.

Remember that voice chat is there to help you get to know someone too. While "catching" them in lies is a good benefit to these speedier conversations, this can also just be a great way to see if your personalities are a good fit.

With the wide range of voice modifiers available nowadays, don't put too much stock in how someone sounds. It is possible to sound more feminine or masculine with the help of technology.

Use a Verification Service

As a benefit to their users, some sites (like here on THE CAGE!) offer an optional verification service. The site steps in as a 3rd party intermediary, reassuring each side of the dating couple that both people are who they say their are.

While every service's own functionality will vary, using the optional verification service on THE CAGE was built to be simple.

You simply submit your government ID through a private, secure channel, and once THE CAGE verifies you are who you say you are, they'll add a badge to your profile. This badge is visible to everyone who views your profile, and it's a great way to show that you're serious about being who you say you are.

Exchange Identifiable Photos

Being a great personality fit is important, but if you plan on having an in-person sexual relationship, a lot of people also place high value on sexual attraction. This means, eventually, sharing identifiable photos that include your face. Not only is this a "traditional" step in online dating and getting to know someone, but it can also be a great way to ensure someone is who they say they are.

Like the non-identifiable photos from before, you can also request that someone write their username and today's date on a piece of paper while taking a selfie.

If you haven't, consider doing a "Reverse Image Search" on the image that the person shares. This will search the internet for copies of the same image. If you're talking to someone named "Jessica" who's single and 23, you might find that a reverse image search will bring up the same photo from an entire Instagram profile from Bethany who's 33, married, and has two kids.

On that note, if you will be the one sharing an identifiable photo, make sure it's a photo you've never shared online before. I know, you probably want to share some of your favorite photos (which you probably shared on social medias before), but a reverse image search can bring up your entire social media profile if it finds the match online.

Be aware that requesting a naked or partially clothed identifiable photo at this stage is a red flag. Yes, someone wants to know you're you, but sending a photo with your face and simultaneously exposing part of your body is NOT required nor is a good idea. Do not let someone tell you that they're unable to feel comfortable chatting with you unless you send them naked photos. If identifiable photos are being exchanged, it's completely normal (and a good idea!) to keep them clothed. You don't trust this person enough to know what they'll do with the photo you send.

Do a Video Chat

A bit riskier than identifiable photos is going for a full-on video chat. Seeing and hearing one another as you talk in real-time can be a great way to make sure someone is who they say they are. And this is something you can do right here on THE CAGE if you’re a Premium member.

While video modification tech exists, it's still in its infancy, and it's expensive and relatively glitchy. For the average person, what you see and hear on a video chat is probably a good indication of who this person is.

If you're going to be video chatting with someone, make sure to do a quick sweep of the background behind you. You want to make sure you remove anything identifiable. This may be graduation photos, an open window that shows a street sign, bills on a table, or anything else.

Meet Face-to-Face

If you meet someone face-to-face, they are who they are. You can't filter or fake in real-life. If you're worried someone is lying about how they look, an in-person meet-up is one of the most reliable ways to verify that.

To keep it as safe as possible, meet in a public space where others will be around. Try to choose somewhere away from your own personal neighborhood where you may be recognized. Park in a safe, "crowded" space (a busy parking lot versus the sole car on a residential street) to politely decline being personally walked to your vehicle if you're uncomfortable with someone seeing your license plate number.

A face-to-face meet-up will tell you exactly how someone looks. They can still lie about their personal details and background, but seeing someone in 3D makes it near-impossible to lie about your looks without hours-long make-up special effects.

Exchange Social Media

You can meet face-to-face without necessarily giving someone much information about yourself, but your social media accounts are surprisingly full of information about you. Sharing that information with a potential date can provide them with a lot of unintentional personal info - especially if you haven't been posting on social media with the expectation that complete strangers may use it to get to know you.

This, however, can also be a great way to verify someone's identity. If they've been posting selfies for the last 5 years with various friends and (let's be honest), some of those selfies don't look the best, it's probably a real social media account.

If someone's social media account is brand new and every photo looks perfectly curated, this can be a red flag that this isn't their social media account, and they may be using stolen photos to make it. Consider doing a Reverse Image Search on some of the images to see if their source comes up.

Exchange Driver's License Names and Do a Background Check

If you have the person's consent and the money to burn, you can do a background check on someone. If, for whatever reason, this is something you want to do, be aware that it's an option.

Do, however, note that most people will find this request to be too personal, and this may be a relationship-ending ask. Even in non-kinky dating, this would be considered extremely invasive.