BDSM Health Check: How Healthy Is Your Dynamic?

By CAGE Staff(staff) March 13, 2025

As much as the idea of kinky fun might overshadow everything else, BDSM relationships are pretty similar to non-kinky partnerships. There are green flags, red flags, and squabbles that pop up just like in their vanilla counterparts.

With that in mind, to start the new year off right, let's do a quick BDSM Health Check on your current or prospective relationship - because it can be easy to get swept up in all the fun things without critically seeing the big picture.

Let's start with the most important aspect: what are BDSM red flags?

BDSM Red Flags

First up, let's talk about red flags in BDSM. Just like in non-kinky relationships, "Red Flags" are warning signs that a lover may be abusive, dangerous, or emotionally unavailable. Catching these behaviors in a partner can give you a clear-cut reason to take a closer look at your entire dynamic.

Red flags in BDSM include:

Going beyond your stated boundaries or limits. Your boundaries and limits are just that - your boundaries and limits. It does not matter that you're kinky or that you're in a power exchange relationship. There is no rule or requirement that any activity needs to take place at the expense of your comfort. Never let someone else convince you otherwise.

Changing/expanding the scope of play while in the middle of play. This is your kinky-equivalent of changing up what you wanted to do once you're horny. If you're very upfront about what you do and don't want to do - and your partner regular encourages you to change that in the middle of a scene, when you're worked up, this is a red flag.

An unwillingness to negotiate. Absolutely everything about any relationship - kink or otherwise - is up for discussion and negotiation. Someone who says "Things have to be like this because I said so" makes for a very large red flag.

They stone-wall or ignore your complaints or requests for change. It doesn't matter if you're a dominant or a submissive; you have equal say in the basic format of your relationship. If your partner is constantly brushing you off or telling you that you're overreacting when you bring up things that are bothering you, that's a red flag.

Telling you that you're simply "unaware" of what BDSM is. You might be new to kink, and that's fine, but any partner worth their salt will explain and encourage you to explore information you don't know. If you're uncomfortable with something, and your partner simply tells you that "it's just how kink is and you don't know that because you're new", this is a large red flag. There is no overarching "handbook" of BDSM. Any activity or process that you're uncomfortable or not interested in just simply doesn't have to be done. There are no requirements here.

Any standard signs of an abusive relationship. A BDSM relationship is a relationship first. Any standard signs of an abusive relationship are red flags in a BDSM relationship too.

This includes things like:

Extreme jealousy that's often blamed on you or your behavior. “If you wouldn't do "X", they wouldn't have to get jealous.”
Controlling behavior that cuts you off from friends, family, and social support systems. They don't want you getting a second opinion on what's going on.
Unrealistic expectations that constantly make you feel like you're not enough. Regular human experiences (like getting sick or missing a spot on the dishes) will make them angry.
A victim complex. No matter what happens, they are always the victim in all aspects of their life.
Verbal abuse and insults. These may occasionally be thrown at you with an excuse about how you "can't take a joke" when they understandably make you upset.
Love bombing. Abusers may feel bad for their behavior or loss of control, and they don't want you to leave them. Because of this, they'll often make-up for particularly bad behavior with over-the-top romantic gestures, promising to never do the bad behavior again. This cycle often repeats.

BDSM Green Flags

Looking for problems is important, but if you're vetting a potential, new partner, you might actually be looking to see if someone is a good fit.

Things that signify a person might be a great, healthy partner are called “Green Flags”. Some BDSM green flags include:

They put your safety first. Kink can be a risky activity. A BDSM partner who puts your safety first is a huge green flag. This includes being knowledgeable enough to reduce physical risks, talking about mental/health risks that may play into things, having an emergency plan in case things go wrong, or a willingness to modify or adjust the scene to reduce potential risks.

They're upfront about their skill set. Nobody is a master in all things - but dangerous people will pretend to be. While it's always a hit to the ego to state that you're not ready for something, partners covered in green flags will be upfront about their skill level in something. This doesn't have to be a dealbreaker; it just may mean that you modify your play. A bottom who's unfamiliar with caning might mean that the scene progresses with wide spanking paddles instead.

They research your kinks. If you profess a love for rope bondage, and your prospective partner is unfamiliar with all of it, a green flagged partner will spend some time learning about the kink. They'll have lots of questions about why you like it too; they want to use that information to find common ground and make sure you'll have a great time later!

They encourage you to gain your own knowledge. Every one of us is unique, and we don't know what we don't know. Look for green flags when your partner encourages you to look into things you don't know. This can include going with you to kink classes, encouraging you to sign up to online BDSM classes, buying or recommending books, or sharing links to educational kink websites.

They openly communicate. It's no surprise to people who do it, but the basis of kink is just a whole lot of talking. Being able to openly communicate about your wants and needs can make a world of difference in how enjoyable your relationship is. Someone who's willing to be vulnerable and honest about themselves and how they're feeling can showcase a green flag in BDSM.

They follow-up with you. Even if you're casually playing with someone, a green flagged partner will offer a reasonable level of follow-up. If you just met in a dungeon ten minutes before your scene, this probably means asking if you're okay before parting ways after your play. If you've been exclusive partners for years, this might mean sending you a text the next day to make sure you're not suffering from drop.

It's worth noting that people new to BDSM, despite their best intentions, may not be full of green flags. This isn't necessarily because they aren't a good partner; it may just be because they're unfamiliar with BDSM and kink, and they don't know what things to do or don't do with a new partner.

While red flags in a potential BDSM partner are a reason to rethink your involvement, an absence of green flags does not have to be a bad thing as long as you feel otherwise respected, safe, and honored within your relationship.

How to Handle BDSM Problems

It's, quite literally, impossible to be in any healthy relationship without a single disagreement. If your partnership goes on long enough, you will find something to disagree about. It might be the placement of the milk in the fridge, or it might be how you choose to spend your money when picking out a new kink toy.

Luckily for all of us, you use the same skills for non-kinky disagreements as you do for the kinky disagreements!

That is, it doesn't matter what your power dynamic looks like; the same skills you use to disagree in an egalitarian relationship are the same skills you'll use to disagree in a kinky power dynamic.

Most people in successful power exchange relationships recommend coming "out of the dynamic" for disagreements. Especially when you feel passionately about something, it can be easy for one party to say "Well, I'm the dominant, so I'm right!", and we want to avoid that.

Instead, agree to put a temporary pause on any kink play you have going on to have a discussion about the topic at hand. Kink educators Dan & Dawn have given this a cute, cheeky name: Porch Time. ( https://www.eroticawakening.com/ea505-porch-time/ ) You can use all of your usual conflict resolution skills like active listening, compliment sandwiches, and more, to discuss the problem.

Once you both have said your part, you can discuss on how to move forward. This may involve facets of your power exchange relationship. Some examples:

One partner is annoyed that the other is leaving their socks on the floor. The other says they don't want to walk upstairs just to put socks in the laundry bin. A small laundry bin is established downstairs with the expectation that the submissive now empties it with the laundry.
One partner is upset that the other is spending so much money on kink gear. Both partners agree that they'll try out all of the kink gear they already own, and they'll discuss what sensations they're "missing" in their toolbox before they buy another.
The dominant partner is upset that their submissive partner seems to be distracted and frustrated by their dynamic. The submissive admits to feeling burnt out and stressed about everything they need to do, and the dominant partner removes some of the submissive's tasks.

If you're in a Total Power Exchange relationship where one person has the final say in all matters, your basic discussions will still likely look the same. Any healthy TPE relationship will see the dominant asking the submissive's opinion. The dominant in any healthy TPE relationship is like a CEO; they want the submissive's expertise to make decisions that are best for the partnership. They may choose to go in a direction the submissive may not have chosen, but they do it with full awareness of how it would impact the submissive.

Is This Relationship Good for Me?

Truth be told, only you can decide if any given relationship is good for you. Sometimes, though, figuring that out can be hard. I have a bit of a shortcut:

Pretend your best friend asked you, point-blank, if your relationship was good for you.

Being honest with yourself, list out all of the points you'd tell your best friend. If you were going to have to discuss your relationship - and how it has changed you - what points would make it onto that list?

Some other questions your invisible best friend might ask you to help determine this would include:

What has changed about you since you started seeing your partner?
How would you handle a stressful situation with your partner at your side?
When you think about things 5 years from now, where does your partner fit in?
What are some of the happiest times of the day?
If you receive good or bad news, what's your first thought?

Thinking about these questions - and writing down the answers - can give you a full picture of your relationship.

Trying to take an impartial look at the data you've collected, think about it all in a new light. If your best friend told you these things about their relationship, what would you tell them?

If there's some negativity in there, it doesn't have to mean your relationship is unhealthy or break-up worthy! It just means that it might be something to talk to your partner about. All of us end up with habits that may not be serving us well in the long-run, and this entire thought exercise can be a great time for some self-reflection.

And that's a wrap for our BDSM Health Check!

Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles (http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World (http://kinky-world.net/).