Lee Harrington: THE CAGE Kinky Proust Questionnaire

Lee Harrington (he/they) is a spiritual and erotic authenticity educator, gender explorer, eclectic artist, and award-winning author and editor on erotic and sacred experience. He brings a combination of playful engagement and thoughtful academic dialogue to a broad audience, and they believe we are each beautifully complex ecosystems who deserve to examine the human experience from that lens. They have been traveling the globe teaching and talking about sexuality, psychology, faith, and desire, and believe you deserve passion and connection in your life. His books include “Playing Well With Others: Your Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Negotiating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities” (with Mollena Williams), “Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond,” “Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macramé,” “Traversing Gender: Understanding Transgender Realities,” and “Become Your Own Beloved: A Guide to Delighting In Self Connection,” amongst many others. Lee has been a passion instigator, academic, adult film performer, world class sexual adventurer, outspoken philosopher, polytheist priest/ess, kink/bondage coach, and has been blogging about sex and spirit since 1998. Read more about Lee at PassionAndSoul.com.

What is your greatest fear within a D/s dynamic?

I sometimes fear that I will not see the needs or hearts of the people in service to me, and in doing so, leave them hurt not just in the moment, but in their life.

In what way has your interest in BDSM shaped your personality?

My interest in BDSM and kink has provided an opportunity to be able to have more diverse communication and connections with people from around the world, thus facilitating my complex extroversion.

What trait do you most deplore in other kinky people?

Non-consensual objectification, and assuming that other people are there to be your erotic vending machines.

From whom did you learn the most about BDSM?

Even though it was not a healthy relationship, and not everything that I learned was, in turn, healthy for myself and others, I acknowledge that my first relationship with my master, before I got into the public scene, taught me so much. Once I entered the scene and learned about safety and the right to be able to say no, I had to unlearn some of the things that he taught me. However, I do acknowledge that his thumbprint is left upon the clay of how I engage with kink.

What has been your biggest kinky extravagance to date?

I had the opportunity to spend a week going to an area of the world that you wouldn’t think would be a place for kink - rural Illinois. My Girl and I rented out an abandoned jail that had been converted into a bed and breakfast, and turned it into an opportunity for a full week of both deep fantasy and profound intimate connection. After that week together, we then traveled to St. Louis, anonymously attending the Beat Me in St. Louis conference with no one knowing it was “Lee Harrington” that was there. We ended up blowing our cover, though, when we did an over-the-top performative pony play scene, but the combined week was a chance to be able to have deep relationship connection time. I have had a chance to do kink all around the world, including doing scenes underneath graveyards, on top of monuments, underwater, in far-off destinations, but sometimes it’s little places like rural Illinois that provide an opportunity for decadence and intimacy alike.

What is your current state of mind in regard to BDSM?

There seems to be a belief that BDSM is “alternative sexuality,” and my current state of mind around it is actually that it is “diverse sexuality.” The sheer statistics surrounding percentages of people who do breathplay, engage in erotic restraint, enjoy rough sex, or a thousand other activities shows that this is not “alternative.” When we separate ourselves from the world at large and “other” ourselves, we cut off the opportunities to connect and have conversations surrounding relationships and sexuality with the world at large. My belief is that we should be working towards connecting with others rather than distancing ourselves.

What do you consider to be the most overrated virtue in kinky people?

Stoicism.

On what occasion would you lie to a D/s partner?

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What technical BDSM skill have you mastered that you are most proud of?

Though I have been doing rope bondage for over 25 years, and have strong expertise in the topic (including having written multiple books on the topic), I have deep delight and pride in my skills as an “Ass Whisperer” and anal play recipient.

What is your favourite quality in a submissive?

The capacity to communicate their levels of expertise and energy.

What is your favourite quality in a dominant?

The ability to say no.

What words or phrases do you most overuse in regard to BDSM?

Yum, delicious, and please.

In which BDSM dynamic have you been the most fulfilled?

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What BDSM related skill would you most like to learn?

Singletail whips.

If you could change one thing about your interest in BDSM, what would it be?

I would find myself teleportation and time travel machines so that I would have more time to do all the things I am already passionate about.

What do you consider your greatest achievement in your exploration of BDSM?

Having an array of amazing people trust me enough to share their hearts with me.

If you could die and comeback to have a kinky experience as a different person or object, what would it be?

A regularly-used leather sling, embedded with memories.

Where would you consider to be the perfect place to live a kinky lifestyle?

I currently live in Denver, Colorado, which is rich in play spaces, clubs, events, and in general a vibrant array of kink communities. For myself, it has been a fantastic place to be able to live in my expansive lifestyle.

What is your most treasured possession from your exploration of kink?

One of my most cherished possessions in kink is a custom-made unicorn head to wear for pony play. It was crafted as a gift by Pony Tromper and the stories interwoven with it from both their life and mine, including its transformational ability taking me from being Lee into being Cupcake the Talking Unicorn, will always be precious to me.

As a kinky person, what do you regard as the lowest depths of misery?

Being told that my existence, or being in someone’s life, has caused irreparable harm.

How would you guess others would describe you as a BDSM practitioner?

I have been called the “Mister Rogers” of kink, and also referred to as being a “fucking asshole.” The answer on where I am between these two is in the eye of the beholder.

What quality do you most value in your kinky friends?

Kindness.

What word or phrase do you believe to be most overused when it comes to BDSM?

Edgy.

What is your favourite kinky book?

Fiction - The Marketplace by Laura Antoniou Fantasy - Kushiel’s Dart series by Jacqueline Carey For therapists - The Leather Couch: Practical Practice with Kinky Clients by Stefani Goerlich Power exchange - Building the Team: Cooperative Power Dynamic Relationships by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny Rope bondage - Essence of Shibari: Kinbaku and Japanese Rope Bondage by Shin Nawakiri General kink skills - The Ultimate Guide to Kink, edited by Tristan Taormino But also note that I have written an array of other books that I find, hopefully at least, good for folks.

What is your favourite BDSM tool?

My body.

Which fictional character would you most like to have a D/s experience with?

Alfred Pennyworth.

As a kinky person, with which fictional character do you most identify?

A combination of Owl from Winnie the Pooh and Statler and Waldorf from “Sesame Street.”

Do you have a literary quote or piece of poetry that inspires your kinky life?

Not at this time.

What song describes your attitude towards BDSM?

“Insatiable” by Prince.

What is your favourite sensory experience in a scene?

Being overwhelmed with the opportunities present in gangbangs and group sex.

What is your greatest regret in regard to your exploration of BDSM?

Though I might have moments of sorrow or things I wish I’d had a chance to explore, or people I’d hoped I’d be with longer, I do not regret any of them because the path that I’ve been on has led me to exactly where I am now, and I am grateful for that.

If you could die in the throes of a kinky scene, how would you like to go?

Group sex encounter, with everyone having consented in advance to knowing that I will be dying tonight.

What is your motto?

Self-care is sexy, and water keeps us wet.