Your First Munch or Play Party: A Beginner’s Survival Guide
Are you looking to get involved with your local kink community? If so, you might be a little nervous; it's “technically” just a gathering of people, but all of those people are there to talk sex. Doesn't that mean it's going to be really different than all of the other social events you've gone to?
No… but also a little bit of “yes”.
Because kink and sex are so personal (and so frowned upon in society), kink events tend to be more privacy- and security-focused than your average meet-up. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't go! It just means that you might feel a bit better about hitting up your local munch or play party if you have a basic idea of what to expect.
So today, let's talk about the two most common forms of kinky meet-up: a munch and a play party.
Let's start with a munch.
What Is a BDSM Munch?
A BDSM munch is an informal, friendly, non-sexual gathering where people who happen to be kinky all gather in one place to converse, make friends, and meet people.
Munches are usually held in casual, affordable public restaurants. Breakfast joints (especially in the evenings) are a popular favorite, as they tend to be inexpensive, low-key, and sparsely populated at night.
The group may rent out a conference or group room, or it may be held at a regular table designated by a stuffed animal or a small, discreet sign.
You’re expected to pay for your own meal or drinks.
In “olden” times, munches were often used for verification. Before the internet, you might only discover a local BDSM group through an ad in an underground magazine. A munch allowed attendees to see that the group was made up of normal, safe people—and for the group to confirm the same about new attendees.
Since play parties carry more risk, attending a munch first increased comfort and security on both sides.
Munches are generally alcohol-free. If you socialize better with a bit of alcohol, a “slosh” is a munch held in a bar or drinking space.
What Do I Wear to a Munch?
Munches are almost always held in public spaces, and that’s intentional.
Dress like you’re heading out on a second or third date. Nothing lewd or overtly sexual—this is not the place for fetish wear.
Aim for comfortable but put-together: something you can sit in for an hour or two while still giving the impression that you take care of yourself.
What Will Happen at a Munch?
The exact flow of a munch depends on the location and setup.
If your munch has table service and a private space:
- People arrive over the first 30 minutes. Servers take drink orders, and conversation stays non-kinky.
- Around the half-hour mark, everyone places food orders together.
- Once food arrives, the server may be asked to knock before entering.
- Kink-related conversation may begin once staff are out of the room and pause again if they return.
- People leave as they finish socializing.
If the munch is held at a regular table in a casual restaurant:
- People may already be chatting when you arrive.
- Introduce yourself and join the conversation.
- If things feel awkward, excuse yourself to order food.
- Eat, chat, and head out when you’re done.
These more casual munches tend to be laid-back, with people coming and going—great if your social battery is limited.
Some munches are held in parks or other public spaces without food. If you attend one, dress for the weather, bring water, and don’t hesitate to leave when you’ve had enough.
If parks make you uncomfortable, reach out to organizers to ask about other locations. Especially in seasonal areas, munches often move indoors during colder months.
What Do People Talk About at a Munch?
Expect everyday conversation—work frustrations, hobbies, and mundane life details.
Kinky topics may come up, but usually in an educational or lighthearted way, not as dirty talk.
Asking for identifiable personal information (like workplace details) is off-limits.
Reliable conversation starters include:
- “This is my first time here—any tips?”
- “How long have you been in the scene?”
- “What events do you recommend locally?”
What Is a Play Party?
A play party is an event in a private space where people dress in kink attire and engage in consensual BDSM activities.
It is not an orgy. Participation is never required, and most people don’t play at the first party they attend.
Scenes are negotiated ahead of time, and participants use designated furniture while others may watch.
Most parties have one or more Dungeon Monitors (DMs) supervising for safety.
DMs watch for unsafe activity, listen for safewords, and have access to first aid and emergency services—important since phones are usually not allowed inside.
Many people attend play parties purely to socialize, reconnect with friends, or learn by watching others.
For some, it’s a safer way to meet potential play partners than private meetups.
Why Are Play Parties More Closely Guarded Than Munches?
- Play parties involve nudity and vulnerable activities.
- They’re often held in private residences.
- The quality and safety of the party depend on respectful attendees.
Because of this, access is often gated:
- Attending one or more munches first
- Meeting with a liaison in public
- Providing references
- Receiving a personal invitation
What Do I Wear to a Play Party?
Arrive dressed appropriately for public transport and change once inside.
If you don’t own fetish wear, that’s fine and very common.
Good beginner options include:
- A fitted t-shirt and underwear
- Lingerie or underwear only
- Jeans with a t-shirt or bare chest/bra
- Sex-positive or kinky graphic tees
Black is common at play parties, but wear whatever colors make you feel confident.
What Are Common Rules at a Play Party?
Rules vary, but common ones include:
- Arrive discreetly and dressed appropriately
- Never share the party location
- Register ahead of time and bring ID
- No cell phones inside
- Do not interrupt scenes or touch others or equipment
- Use condoms for penetration
- Follow time limits on equipment
- Obey safewords immediately
- No drugs or alcohol
Some parties allow sexual touch or penetration; others don’t. Always read the rules beforehand.
What Happens at a Play Party?
Every party is different. You’ll see normal bodies, various scenes, and multiple activities happening at once.
Most spaces have a social area separate from the play area, and you’re encouraged to watch scenes respectfully.
It’s normal to feel aroused, but masturbating outside of a scene is usually frowned upon.
If you’re unsure about anything, find a Dungeon Monitor or staff member—they’re there to help.
Exploring munches and play parties can feel intimidating at first, but with time, they become familiar—and you may discover welcoming spaces you never knew existed.
Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles ( http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/ ), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at https://kinky-world.net/ .
All THE CAGE Magazine articles, including this one, were written without the use of AI.