Setting the Rules

You, sexy dominant, you. You've done it. You and your submissive have decided to make things official, and you officially are in a power exchange relationship.

Based on everything you've seen in movies and in BDSM forums, your first step as your partner's dominant is to make some rules. After all, every BDSM contract you've ever seen (or fantasized about!) is just pages of rules.

So, today, let's talk about the reality of how to make rules for your submissive. This article is written by a lifestyle dominant for any other dominants who are interested. If you're a S-type craving some structure in your life, though, some of these tips can be equally as helpful.

Step One: Stop Making Rules Just to Make Rules

Why are you complicating your life? Why are you complicating your submissive's life?

Any rule that you enact should have a few things:

• It's important to you. If you want to see something happen, yes, it definitely makes sense to have it as a rule.
• It benefits your relationship in some manner. Even if you're non-plussed about the actual activity, if the rule benefits your relationship in some way, it still may be worth pursuing. (i.e. requiring your submissive to stay hydrated)
• You plan to follow up on that rule, regularly, to ensure that it's going to get done. If you don't have the time (or interest) in doing that, you're just making your submissive spin on a hamster wheel.

Keeping your rule list down to a manageable list of important things is important because:

• It respects your submissive's time. Everybody is busy. We have careers, friends, families, and homes to maintain. Your submissive wants to make you happy, but adding busywork to that pile that isn't making you happy is just adding stress to their lives for no reason.
• It potentially gives your submissive more downtime. There's a lot of science that shows that restorative downtime is vital to sexual desire and good mental health. Having tons of rules may be cluttering up your submissive's brain in a way that's actively hurting what you want from them.
• It gives YOU more downtime. If you make a rule, you should be following up, regularly, to make sure it's done. Nobody likes to waste their time. Having a lot of rules to follow - with a dominant who doesn't seem to actually ever follow up on whether they're done - can lead to resentment really quickly.

There are a lot of lists of "rules for submissives" out there, but it's unlikely that any generic list of rules is going to hit all of my requirements listed above.

Instead focus on making rules that honor your unique relationship and your unique requests and desires as a dominant.

Only Enact One New Rule at a Time

Your boss comes up to you at work and hands you a list of 25 rules, all arbitrary rules like "You must push in your chair when you leave your work desk", "Use of any blue pens must be cleared by HR", and "You must ask me before you go home from work". Plus, y'know, there's even 22 more of them.

They tell you're expected to follow them starting tomorrow, or else you'll receive a paycheck demerit.

That's about how unrealistic it can feel to drop a whole list of rules onto your submissive after you have a single brainstorming session. That is, it's overwhelming and likely to fall by the wayside. Nobody can remember and modify that many new habits at once.

Instead, focus on implementing only a few new rules at a time. Ideally, only start with one or two rules. Since you've already pared down your rules to just the ones that meet the importance criteria above, keeping your list of rules smaller should be easier than you originally imagined.

Focus on those specific rules, giving your full daily attention to whether your submissive completes those rules each day to the specification you desired.

This way, you actively reinforce the rule, every day, turning it into something they're going to prioritize. Your submissive also sees that you're both on the same team; this isn't something you've arbitrarily "required" just to make them do. Instead, it's something that you're still paying attention to, making sure this training ends up successful for the both of you.

If, as your submissive masters those rules, you'd like to add more rules, you can. This way, you also have months worth of "submissive training" fun to have as well!

Iron Out the Extra Crap in Your Rules

When we first start "making rules", our demands, as dominants, are usually so top level that they're somewhat useless.

Let's say I'm turned on by choosing my submissive's clothes for the day. I make a rule. She isn't allowed to get dressed until I've chosen what she's going to wear. Sounds hot in theory, right?

What happens when she's called into work at 4AM? Does she need to wake me in the middle of the night to ask what clothes to wear?

Do I actually care what work-branded polo she wears each day? Am I just adding extra work making her bring out 3 differently-colored shirts a day? Maybe I actually just care what undies she wears underneath it.

My client calls right when we're both getting ready for work, and I'm stuck in a work meeting. Does she need to be late for work because she can't verbally get my feedback? Or when I'm busy, would we prefer that she transition to laying out clothes on the bed so I can point?

How many options do you actually want laid out? Or do you want to go into their closet every day and choose the full outfit, essentially having to dress two different humans (or more, depending on your family) every single day?

Do you find out that this is actually more about flexing power than having any preference on fashion? If so, maybe you only want to choose on Fridays when she has office casual days, and there are more options to choose from.

If you want this "rule" to stick, it needs to be specific enough that you both know what happens when real life gets in the way. Because it sounds hot to punish her because she didn't wake you at 4AM to get your permission, but in reality, everybody knows you would have been aggravated she woke you up. That breeds resentment.

So as you're focusing on training only a few new rules at a time, figure out where those specific exceptions lie. Figure out what you actually care about, paring out all of the extra, useless "busywork" that isn't actually adding anything to your dynamic.

In the end, my "submissive isn't allowed to get dressed unless I choose her clothes for the day" might turn into "On Fridays, my submissive lays out three different, fully accessorized, outfits on the bed for me to choose from. If she has time, she will kneel at my feet to let me know that they're ready for viewing, but if not, I will toss my tie on the option I choose. If either of us are running too late to choose clothing that morning, the submissive will come home from work that day and change instantly into my favorite lingerie set (even if it's to be worn under clothing) to show her reverence for my preferences".

Sounds hotter too, right?

Utilize Smart Habit Building

Again, we're all busy. Every one of us. Your submissive is too. They want to see you happy, but they also have to make sure they don't get fired, families are fed, and they still, somehow, have time to actually get a moment for themselves.

That's why we're going to work on turning some of those "rules" into habits. We're only going to do a few at a time (like we just talked about), so they all have a better chance of "sticking".

There are a few ways you can help turn these rules into habits your submissive will automatically follow:

• Tack the activity onto something the submissive already has as a habit. i.e. After every shower, you're expected to lotion your entire body.
• Withhold a reward until the activity is done. i.e. Daily coffee isn't allowed until a workout has been done for the day.
• Start with easier versions of the desired activity, building on it as success happens. i.e. If you want your submissive to drink 64 oz a day, start with requiring 20 oz a day and gradually increase as they succeed.
• Make a chart or visual reminder they get to fill out as they complete their desired activity. i.e. They get a gold star on a calendar every time they make the bed as desired.

If you want more tips on habit building (it's an entire science!), the book "Atomic Habits" is usually touted as one of the best references on it.

If the idea of turning your "rules" into autonomous habits doesn't sound as sexy, maybe those things don't need to be rules. Instead, consider making them a fun requirement for a single night out or a high protocol training session. That way, your submissive gives it their full attention, and you get the response you're looking for.

Once the Rules Are Habits, THEN Consider Punishments

Nobody finds it fun to be punished while they're trying to learn something. It feels very grade school, back to when we were trying our best to master the material but it was never "good enough".

Instead, while you're both learning how to implement these rules on a daily basis in your dynamic, consider working with praise instead of punishment. Praise your submissive when they do it right. Gently and verbally remind them when they forget. Right now, it's all about modifying your submissive's behavior into a changed process that you want. That takes time.

Once your submissive has been successfully doing your rule for a few weeks, then consider punishments for any missteps or infractions - especially if this is actually a "funishment" and a good excuse to gently remind your submissive to pay attention.

Remember: you want this rule for whatever reason you wanted this rule. You both are on the same team (the team that wants your dynamic to succeed). Life emergencies come up, and your submissive should never feel like they have to choose between a rule you've set and success or mental health in their own life.

Gentle, playful "punishments" can be a great way to remind them to get back into their rules and routines, but if you're finding that your submissive is regularly missing what used to be a habit, it's time to have a real, adult, non-dynamic conversation about what might be going on in their personal life.

Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles ( http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/ ), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at https://kinky-world.net/ .

All THE CAGE Magazine articles, including this one, were written without the use of AI.