Relationship Crossroads: Dynamic Breakdown
In Part 1 of our Relationship Crossroads series, Ready for Anything, we covered the preemptive steps you and your partner can take now to protect each other if a dynamic ever comes to an end. Now let's talk about the harder part: what to do when you're the one thinking about ending it.
Are You Thinking About Ending Your Dynamic?
You might be reading this article because you're thinking about ending your dynamic for whatever reason. And that's just it: you don't need to have a reason.
If you don't want to continue in your dynamic or relationship, you don't have to. Even in our world of "super duper serious submission", everyone maintains agency at all times. You can choose whether that owning or being owned is for you.
And it may not be for you anymore.
Breaking up while kinky is similar to breaking up while not-kinky, but there are a few nuances. Let me give you some things to think about.
Think About What You Want
If you're contemplating ending the dynamic, you're probably not sure yet. If you were, you probably wouldn't be reading this article, and you'd have already ended it.
There are hundreds of thousands of articles out there that talk about "how to know if I should stay in a relationship". I'd really recommend reading some of them, using them as springboards for introspection.
As a general rule of thumb, I'd recommend thinking about:
- Does this dynamic make you happy?
- Does this dynamic make you feel secure? If it doesn't, is that part of what you want out of it?
- Does this dynamic make you feel like you're a better person?
- Does this dynamic make you feel like you're getting part of what you want out of life?
- Does this dynamic turn you on? Does it sexually satisfy you?
The real answer is: only YOU can decide if YOU are happy or fulfilled in any given relationship. There are lots of questions and food for thought out there, but ultimately, it comes down to you. Sorry. I love to help, but I'm at the mercy of your own thoughts on this one.
Do You Still Want to Continue the Relationship Itself?
Sometimes, people find that power exchange just isn't for them. It isn't ticking the boxes you thought it would, or it's adding a lot of friction to a relationship that you otherwise would like to be in.
If that's the case, you really need to think about whether you still want to continue this relationship - but without the power exchange dynamic.
Remember, that's an option! If you're not feeling the kinky stuff anymore but you've only continued the dynamic in fear of losing your partner, that isn't a healthy dynamic. Instead, it's time to sit down and talk to your partner about removing the kink aspects. You can continue to have a deep romantic relationship or platonic friendship if you want to continue your partnership but without the kinky stuff.
What To Do If You Want to End the Dynamic
You've spent a long time thinking about it, and you're pretty sure you want to end the dynamic. Here are my tips to make this as trauma-free as possible.
First, Decide If You're Open to Negotiation
Being broken up with is hard. In non-kinky circumstances, it's hard for the "broken up with" partner to easily accept, and it's not going to be any easier for kinky dynamics. Most people's first reaction is to try to "bargain". That is, they'll offer to change aspects of the dynamic or relationship in order to stay with you.
This is where you have to decide if you're open to negotiations or changes. If your partner does X, would that help solve your concerns and make the dynamic one that you want to continue?
This may mean making the dynamic more (or less) overreaching. If you both were in a 24/7 Power Exchange, you might find that you're still okay with the idea of doing power exchange - but keeping it only in the bedroom. If you're feeling really frustrated with your partner outside of the kink of the bedroom, you might find that you'd be open to continuing the relationship if they agree to take more of your guidance outside of the bedroom.
Before you go into this break-up conversation, I recommend figuring out if there are things you'd be willing to reconsider if your partner or dynamic makes some changes. It's a-okay if that answer is "no". You may just not want to be involved with this person (or with this dynamic!) any longer, and that's okay too.
Especially if your partner didn't see this coming, though, they may be willing to make changes or renegotiate aspects of the dynamic in hopes that it better aligns with what you're looking for. Decide if that's something you're open to.
(It goes without saying: you do not owe anyone a long, drawn-out conversation or negotiation about your relationship. If, at any point, you're worried for your safety before having this conversation:
- Discreetly get as many important possessions away from any place this person could reach them (store them at a friend's, etc.). You'll need to leave non-important ones to not arouse suspicion. Ensure you take anything that could be used against you (driver's license, credit cards, embarrassing info).
- Meet your partner in a public place AND bring a trusted friend along. Have the conversation there. Be firm.
- Enlist your friends or call your local non-emergency police line to see if they're able to escort you to your ex's home to retrieve your belongings.
Hopefully, it ends there, but if need be, don't forget about restraining orders, changing phone numbers, changing locks, or any other methods you need to stay safe.)
More Information if You're Open to Renegotiating
Sometimes, you don't want to break up the relationship, but you're just not feeling where the dynamic is right now. You may want to take kink entirely out of the conversation, or you may want to "de-escalate" your dynamic. (We're stealing a term from polyamory here.)
De-escalating, essentially, means that you're taking your relationship from a more-involved state into a less-involved state. This might mean that you'll move from being a 24/7 D/s couple to a bedroom-only couple. It might mean that you're going from 24/7 D/s to "We're not going to be kinky at all except one specifically-scheduled date night a week".
You can also de-escalate the relationship itself - though this can be hard if you're currently romantic, live-in partners. You can go from sharing a household and finances to separate households with a "live together temporarily for kinky play" staycation once a month. (I'll caution: this will take months of emotional processing before you're able to get into a healthy enough place for this change to exist.)
If you're not trying to end your partnership, but you do want to renegotiate the depth of your relationship or kink, have that planned ahead of time.
What, ideally, do you want? What don't you want? If you know your partner has specific demands/requirements on their end, does it align with what you want? If not, how would you see this working for the two of you?
After you have a conversation about this restructuring of your relationship, set a check-in date. Plan to talk about whether those changes were made, how you needed them to be made, on that date.
Essentially, just like in non-kinky relationships, a lot of people will "promise to change, just don't leave me!". They'll remember your demands for the first couple weeks, and it'll seem like a brand-new dynamic. Once reality and personal interests set in, though, you might find yourselves slowly sliding back to what your undesired dynamic was. It will be a slow creep, and it might be hard to notice.
Setting this check-in date ensures you both pop back in for an honest conversation and see if this re-negotiated dynamic is working for you. You can see if it's filling the needs you thought it would, or you can talk about different changes that might make it even better for you.
Once you have this check-in, set another way, a bit further out. Do the check-in again.
Eventually, you'll see if the new changes "solved" what made you want to rethink the dynamic. If they don't, it's time to think about a larger change or a full break-up.
If You're Splitting, Give Someone Time to Process
Especially if you're ending the entire relationship, it can be a lot for someone to take. They'll need some time to process what's going on, and get their head around it.
If you've been in this dynamic for a long time, you probably care for the person, so try to give them some space after this conversation (without changing up too many things) as long as you feel safe.
For example, it's a lot more traumatic to be broken up with while someone is moving their belongings out, that day, and says they'll never talk to you again. It doesn't give the brain much time to process or get closure.
In another example, you have the break-up conversation, and you both continue to rehash what happened for the next two weeks while you continue day-to-day life. There might be cuddles and open, honest conversations about what happened. You answer questions as honestly as you can, reaffirming that you're still there for them (in whatever capacity: friend, lover, etc.), while firmly holding your boundaries.
You tell them when you're going to be moving out your stuff, and you stick to that date. After you move out, you stick to a communication schedule you set ahead of time. ("I need some space for awhile, but I'll make time on Fridays at 2PM for a 20 minute phone call to help support you. I'm not going to pick up the phone the rest of the week, though. I need time to process too. This hurts me too.")
Encourage them to reach out to friends or family to help them process things. As you untangle yourselves, they'll need to find different support structures to help them through intense emotions.
All of this can all be very difficult on you. It requires you to hold space for someone else's catastrophic emotions while simultaneously holding onto the boundaries that you set. It can be hard to see someone you love in so much tumult when you know you were the one that "caused" it.
As always, take care of yourself first. Only then can you help make a neutral, supportive space to help your partner process emotions.
And it goes without saying, if you ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable near that person, all of this goes out the door. Just get out of there.
Try Not to Go Back to What You Were
We human beings love familiarity. As you're around your ex (ex-dominant, ex-submissive, ex-partner, etc.) while they're upset, you're probably going to feel a ton of feelings yourself. You're going to see their vulnerable side, and it's likely going to make you feel a lot softer towards them. The love you feel for them might cloud the practical reasons you chose to change the dynamic.
This can easily lead to, essentially, behaving exactly how the two of you were behaving in the dynamic. You might attempt to soothe them by offering the service you've always offered, or you might see them struggling, so you command them to do the self-care tasks you know make them feel better. It's the equivalent of having sex "one last time" in non-kinky dynamics.
It's vital that you avoid falling back into the patterns of the previous dynamic.
If you're not open to renegotiating the relationship or the dynamic, this can give your partner false hope, and it can make the break-up even worse.
I highly recommend privately setting your own boundaries, pre-talk, about what you're willing to do to reassure the person you love. It can be as simple as "I won't do anything that involves removing clothing" or "I won't bring them anything because it might tempt me into old service patterns".
Seek Your Own Support
All of this sucks, and it's hard for both of you to get through it.
Make sure to reach out to your friends, family, or community for some support throughout all of this.
If you're a private person, you can still search out some podcasts or videos that talk about others' experiences, giving you something to relate to and feel supported by.
Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles ( http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/ ), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at https://kinky-world.net/ .
All THE CAGE Magazine articles, including this one, were written without the use of AI.