I am shocked: After one week in a relationship she shares her fetish.

I am shocked: After one week in a relationship she shares he

Idontunderstand • Jan 18, 2019

Imagine, you are totally in love, and you think you catched the cutest girl on the planet.
Then, after the second time she tells you, I am into BDSM.
I like chocking, forcing anal sex, spanking.
I watch submissive porn every day and i turns me insanely on.
I like to lose total control


Something I did not quite expect from such a sweet little girl.
Now, my first reaction was close to throwing up.
I was totally in panic: this does not turn me on, I have a clear oppinion about what is disrespectful or not.

Now rationally, i dont think it is bad to:
- pull hair
- put slightly your hand on someones neck.
- sqeeze someones niplles.
- have anal sex

Dont get me wrong, I think a big part of society encounters in light forms of BDSM.
But subspace is something next level. Something fifty shades of grade does not tell you about.

I do these things because it turns her on, and subsequently it turns me on.
But really, I dont experience any 'Thrill'.

Anything further i see more as an obsession, a thrill that as nothing to do with
having a connection.

If i push it a little further she easily goes into: subspace.
For me this is very scary. I feel lonely and left out.

The current status is that she really likes the love version of sex. And she also says she likes that much more: love.
And she says that we have to find our own version. She says: that is lust and i want love.
Though love me i guess.

I think: ok. But right now I dont see it happening that I like these 'thrills'. I enjoy being physical, and I enjoy
the tenderness, emotional connection. But i am afraid i will never understand real BDSM.

Questions i am having:
- Something i am worried about: right now we are in 'love' but i am very afraid that when this
chemical reaction is over she will turn back to what she has her fetisch about. What are your expectations?
- Am i doing well? Do you expect that we get into an agreement? Can I make her happy?
- Is her version an extreme version of BDSM, or are there even higher 'obsessions'.
- Do you expect that i will 'learn' this fetisch (by getting a better understanding/more exposure),
or is it something you have or you dont have?
- I also think that this obsession is because she is not completely confident about her social situation.
I honestly think, that when her confidence grows, the obsession will be less.

Do you have any tips for me? I am really stepping out of my comfort zone here.

Zaramia​(dom female) • Jan 18, 2019

I'll give this a shot. And remember it's been ONE WEEK - seriously - one.

Questions i am having:
- Something i am worried about: right now we are in 'love' but i am very afraid that when this
chemical reaction is over she will turn back to what she has her fetisch about. What are your expectations?
I expect that if she denies her fetish/obsession/need, it will come back to bite you both, and your relationship, in the are one day. I would expect that anyone who gives up part of themselves for the sake of a relationship, will one day miss that part, and look for it.

- Am i doing well? Do you expect that we get into an agreement? Can I make her happy? I have no idea if you are doing well or not. I expect that you can come to an agreement, and compromise, and maybe you can both be happy with that, and maybe not. My crystal ball is not working well today.

- Is her version an extreme version of BDSM, or are there even higher 'obsessions'. Oh no, her version sounds pretty tame, in the scheme of things. I mean, sure, there are less extreme "versions", but there are also very much more extreme "versions"....

- Do you expect that i will 'learn' this fetisch (by getting a better understanding/more exposure),
or is it something you have or you dont have? I think if you are repulsed by it, that may change to something that turns you on, or not. It's a personal experience - One person may be incredibly turned on by something that terrifies or repulses another. It is important to find someone whose kink plays nicely with yours - where your flavors merge well - think of it as an ice cream sundae. Some people might like peppermint and ginger together, but for me, that would be a no, and I'd swap either of them for vanilla or chocolate - that's going to make the melty bit at the end much better for me. Someone else is going to have a different opinion - even down to OMG! NO PEPPERMINT OR GINGER!!!

- I also think that this obsession is because she is not completely confident about her social situation.
I honestly think, that when her confidence grows, the obsession will be less.
I think that may or may not be true, but for most people, a clearly defined and expressed fetish/kink/preference is generally not "a phase", that one "gets over".

I think the best thing you can do is explore the world of kink/bdsm, try on anything you think might fit, and feel free to either subscribe to a theme, or pass on it completely, or anything in between. In the end, it is, in fact, your BDSM experience.
Best of luck and fun,
zara

Freya369 • Jan 18, 2019

Another mind blowing post...demonstrating...we don't generally have enough honesty regarding sexually and what erotises us...
It's a brave post.

Take your time....
Don't rush anything...try and reduce the fear, anxiety...which is still fear...and respectfully..while I think the post is brill...
I can not except the definition of love after a week...just my opinion..

Finding out the truth...takes time...

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Jan 18, 2019

I highly recommend that you read a book called “When Someone You Love is Kinky”. Also, another called “Different Loving” might help.

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Jan 18, 2019

@idontunderstand

Like Freya said, very brave post. Good job looking for help with this! It really shows you care. I respect that and you deserve some recognition for that.

So first thing i would like to say. BDSM sex and BDSM lifestyle are two seperate things. It sounds like she is really into BDSM sex. The biggest thing i would caution you is, do not use 50 shades as a reference. Everything in BDSM needs to be safe and consentual. That is the main thing.

The way i describe BDSM sex is that it is a bell curve. On the X axis is "stress". Stress can be anything but "pain" is the easiest to understand. On the Y axis is "pleasure". You need to start at the lowest end of the bell curve and you push it slowly each time until one of you reaches your limit. This is where the maximum "pay-off" is for you. This can change as you get more comfortable, or it may never change, and that needs to be accepted by both of you.

As far as whether her version of BDSM is extreme or not, i think the only thing that can accurately measure that is if you ask yourself, "is it consentual?" And "is it safe?" If the answer is yes to both, then it is not extreme, even if it's not your cup of tea. However, it would be unfair for her to pull you into the deep end when you haven't even learned how to swim yet, which is why you may think it is extreme. Just refer back to that bell curve, that should really help you understand how to proceed. If it gets to be too much for you, say something. Take a break, try again later. It will help you both gain trust and confidence, while continuing to show her you are willing to try.

I hope this helps! Feel free to contact me with any more questions as your relationship progresses ^_^

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 18, 2019

Hello and welcome.


Bdsm is a deep well

I applaud her for telling you what she is about up front.

That actually is a good thing.


But, I'm going to be frank here. You are asking the wrong questions.


I challenge you to answer these questions:

1- can you legitimately maintain this long term?
2- if you are doing this to please her but get nothing out of it , how responsible are you being to yourself?
3- as her desires change and deepen how equipped emotionally are you to deal with that?
4- she seems to know what she wants and needs. Do you?
5- have you considered that you and she simply have extremely different needs and desires that may be incompatible?


The insight here needs to be about you.

How honest are you being with her and yourself?

There is no hierarchy of sexual accomplishment.


If this isnt something that you are into please reconsider the relationship for both you and her.

Constellation​(sub female){Taken} • Jan 19, 2019

MasterBear said it all!!! Perfect!
I'd like to add that having kinks doesn't mean the person is damaged inside, and when healed they will let go of their kinks (that is 50 shades of bullshit). Kinks MIGHT have an origin on past experiences but it doesn't really matter the origin, what matters is the satisfaction you get oug of it. If BOTH of you are pleased and happy, then it's ok.
If you look closely, there's a lot of mature, well stablished, very successful (family & work) submissives and Dominants.
Cheers!!

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 20, 2019

Rather than a thumbs up MasterBears post needs a High five.

It took guts to question like you did. Such a delight to see you questioning this and giving it a go. This is the rest of your life. You do not need to settle for anything. The girl involved has done the thing by telling you so soon. Kink and/or Fetish doesn't get outgrown, we only learn to manage it better for ourselves and our loved ones. Are you prepared to never have intimacy all your way ..for the rest of your life!

bighairydaddy • Jan 20, 2019

@Idontunderstand: I really sympathise with your pain here. You clearly care very much about this woman. That said, @Masterbear has hit the point right on. How long can you really expect this to last? I don't mean to be cruel, far from it, but even if you thought you could get into what you're being asked to do, you're both at vastly different stages in your sexual development. By the time you've nearly caught up with what your girlfriend's into (if you ever do), who know's how far down the rabbit hole she might be. Sorry to say, that a parting is inevitably going to happen. Hope it all goes well for you both

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Jan 21, 2019

The OP hasn't commented again, but i don't understand why after MB posted all the sudden everyone is just saying "you can't do it" why is everyone so quick to advise someone to quit, and to walk away? Why are people being so quick to tear a relationship apart? And to the sound of thunderous applause too while you all pat each other on the back for being so "right". I just don't understand. Here is a person who is /trying/. He came looking for help. If the relationship isn't right for him, /he/ can figure that out himself. The only time someone else needs to get involved to help someone "break up" with someone else is if you are truly helping someone to /safely/ leave an abusive relationship. This is not an example of a toxic relationship, this is an exercise for learnijg how to communicate between two people who clearly care about each other. People today give up so easily, and then to see them encourage other people to give up easily just because they do... just bothers me...