Getting a start as a switch.

Getting a start as a switch.

TwistedScorpio​(switch male) • Jun 16, 2017

Hello everyone, this is my first forum post here. I'm a switch male, or at least I'm pretty sure I am since I have no experience. I can discuss the whys if anyone is curious, but I intended to comment pn something I've seen across multiple lifestyle sites.

Often times people want to know how to get a start, and if they are sub or Dom, they often get decent answers. Of course men often get what amounts to find a partner to experiment with, then come back. However, I've noticed switches often get no reply, dismissive remarks, and questions of whether they actually have an interest in the lifestyle, or how do they know they're switch. The best I've been able to gather is that Doms either don't want to take on a sub with a strong Dominant streak or to mentor a Dom that they aren't sure can maintain the command to properly take care of a sub.

So I'm asking for all the new, inexperienced, and lightly experienced switches out there, what is the best way for a switch to make their way into the lifestyle? As a sub? As a Dom? Loud and proud switch right from the get go? Or something else?

Thank you all in advance for the thoughtful replies.

Villanelle​(staff) • Jun 17, 2017

Bumping this up because I think it's an important topic and hope you get some replies. I am not interested in the submissive experience but I agree that switches are often dismissed as not being serious or that they are flakey. There's nothing wrong with just doing what you enjoy and I hope the other switches here will share their thoughts with you. Best of luck and ...

“Nolite te bastardes carborundorum”

TwistedScorpio​(switch male) • Jun 17, 2017

Thank you for the support Evangeline. It's great to know we're not forgotten. Also, any ideas from Doms or subs as to how or if they would interact with switches would be of great help too.

I think one misconception that seems to show up commonly is assuming switches need to switch. I've seen a variety of types while browsing. There are those that tend towards either Dom or sub, those that switch dependant on the partner and may or may not prefer multiple partners to fulfill both sides of them, those that prefer another switch to openly explore from both sides, and there's those that have little to no preference in roles and are perfectly happy filling any role(s) their partner(s) need them to. Of course there's countless variations, as many as there are switches to be honest.

Stranger • Jun 25, 2017

the feels... i think you can start either sub or dom and then become switch or u can just be switch from the start ....for me it was probably sub to switch or sub curious to switch .....

KnottyBear​(other female) • Jun 26, 2017

So, I haven't been in the community long. I will offer what I have gleaned though. I am a switch. My "switchiness" manifests itself through energy exchange. In my experience I am often misunderstood. To be grouped with power dynamics(D/s M/s) seems off. My energy "switches" from moment to moment. That's switch to me. I've been approached by Doms more than subs, but I get approached by both. They often ask me to be D or s. I struggle with this, because I don't really adhere to power dynamics. So my experience has been tainted by that. I have been treated rudely by some. People have right off the bat referred to me as sub. I have struggled to understand both sides of myself. I have tried to understand myself better by being open to the possiblity of being a sub or dom in order to experience those sides of myself. I say dig deep and find your truth about being switch, and be true to that. I believe we bring balance to this community. Those are just a few thoughts I have at the moment. Hope that helps.

TwistedScorpio​(switch male) • Jul 2, 2017

Thank you for the replies. Jenn, I totally get what you're saying about Dom and sub being constraining, I can be anywhere on the spectrum depending on my mood/energy at the time. I don't know if it's like that for a lot of switches, but I'm totally there with you.

I suppose I was hoping to find out more about how to have that first lifestyle experience. I live over 100 miles from the nearest real city, St. Louis, so clubs aren't an option for me. The local "munches" are full of established lifestylers that are not looking to expand their circles of play partners, so I'm at a bit of a loss where to turn. Do you have to vanilla date until you luck out and stumble upon a fellow bdsm enthusiast?

DrWakko • Jul 2, 2017

@Twisted: I don't think the problem is that the people in your area aren't looking for new play partners. I don't know a single community that turns down play partners. I think what's happening is this:

You are new. Being a new top it is hard to find play partners. Being a male bottom is also hard to find play partners especially if you don't play with your own gender. New doesn't mean you just found kink. New is new to that space.

You are a male. Males don't get the kind of attention as females do.

I suggest keep going to the munches and keep going to the play parties. Also go to classes and sooner or later you will find someone to play with.

Enfield​(other female) • Jul 11, 2017

I am glad you put this question out there! As a fellow newbie I'm trying to understand the general accepted terms and meanings. I don't know if I'm a switch or not, I'm definitely more submissive but there are scenarios I run in my head where I could be more dominant. It sounds very similar to being bi, not on one side or the other so neither side takes you very seriously

TwistedScorpio​(switch male) • Jul 12, 2017

@DrWacko, I haven't actually gone to a munch, I just chatted briefly w some regulars and that was the impression they gave me. It's a bit public for me, to be honest. I'm unaware of play parties or classes in my area, I've not come across anything, though I'm going to assume there's completely private parties, it's a pretty conservative area, over 100 miles from the nearest real city, there's a town 35-40k population and one around 20k nearby (within 20 miles). Complete honesty here, I have some pretty severe social anxiety. I clam up and shut down around new people, unless there's more people I know well than those I don't. I absolutely can't do bars and the like. I can't imagine meeting people I haven't at least developed a familiarity with online. I know you may wonder why I don't identify as a sub, but there's a lot that I imagine doing with someone I've gotten to know well. But I would probably be more comfortable starting as a sub, just one who already knows they have a hidden dom streak under the right circumstances. I may have rambled, I don't know, I have a tendency to do so.

DrWakko • Jul 12, 2017

@TS do a google search for munches in your area. If you suffer from social anxiety you are not alone. A lot of people have social disorders. I suggest contacting the munch leader and meet with them before hand. Going in you will know at least one person. Start with munches and work your way to parties and classes. You will realize that most munch goers will be at the classes and parties.