I don’t know what sort of relationship and lifestyle is right for me.

I don’t know what sort of relationship and lifestyle is righ

hyena​(switch male) • Mar 29, 2019

I’ve been seeking a bdsm oriented relationship for a while. I think, for the most part, I’ve got being dominant in a relationship handled. But I’ve never been a submissive person for more than a few minutes, and that was in bed.
I have trouble emotionally revealing myself in the first place. It takes a while for me to trust somebody enough to open up to them and be emotional, but to put myself in a position where I am beneath them mentally and socially? That sounds incredibly scary. I’m a confident person, and frankly, a bit of a narcissist. I don’t know how I could trust someone to acknowledge the good parts of me while also being confident enough to slap me around and belittle me.
I want so badly to be with someone I see as superior to me, but at the same time, I’m so scared to let someone take that position over me.

I thought of an arrangement where someone would be my equal in most aspects, but have a physical advantage over me, be it through their own strength or through tying me up. In bed they could call me weak and stupid for letting myself be dominated this way, and return to a more normal dynamic when out of bed. This would be nice, but it wouldn’t fill my desires to be dominated outside of the bedroom/sexually while still remaining a powerful or respectful person.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Is what I want even possible, or do I have to find some compromise, like the one I laid out just now?

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Mar 29, 2019

What you want is certainly possible. The only thing standing in your way is you. Being submissive in a 24/7 dynamic is a serious commitment. It’s incredibly scary for most everyone to give that kind of control to someone else. To expose yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally and trust the other person not to cause you psychological harm; that takes time. But with the right Dom, I assure you it’s worth it. It’s liberating and although this may seem ironic it’s empowering.

I think all relationships require some amount of compromise, but in my opinion those compromises should be surface level only. Don’t settle for a relationship founded on something less than what you desire. Everyone deserves happiness and there are plenty of Dommes and switches who would love to have the same dynamic you’re hoping to find.

hyena​(switch male) • Mar 29, 2019

If only I knew what I truly desired, when it comes to being submissive. Hopefully I’m able to meet someone who’s patient enough, and ideally experienced, but I know people with experience often have little patience with people who are figuring themselves out, which is understandable. I like to think I have a pretty good idea what I want, but I guess I’ll just have to find someone who thinks I’m cute enough to help me through the specifics.

Bunnie • Mar 30, 2019

Hi @ hyena

“Does anyone have any suggestions?”

My suggestion is to read as many different blogs as you can. You’ll find that you’re not alone in these feelings and fears... this is the thing that really struck me as I read your post. The fears and worries you describe, are the fears and worries most every person who submits seems to face at some point in time. It doesn’t make it any less scary... however, it can be comforting to know that there are others who feel the same, who are searching for the same things, and who may also have words of wisdom they’ve shared along the way

MasterBear​(other butch) • Mar 30, 2019

You dont have to choose.
You sound like a switch to me.
And even that can change as you learn more about yourself.


Have you considered playing without an identity?

Many times people - myself included- push for people to have an identity. It makes it easier for the outside world to relate to you.


But if you are still figuring yourself out --- using the terms switch or fluid or "still figuring myself out" are all acceptable.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Mar 30, 2019

Well, for whatever it may be worth (probably slightly less than you are paying for it) I've picked up a little something kicking my tin can down the side of this gravel road for awhile now that may (or may not) be useful.

First rattle out of the cracker jack box, I'll just state for clarity that I've got little to zero submission in me. So, any and all observations I have to share are from only the one side of the fence. Or higher up the mountain, if you prefer. And that may, or may not, be some salt to take what comes next with.

It's been my experience that it's the very rare person, on either side of the slash, who is always and forever only "this" whomever they are entangled with.

In my own case, I have been, variously, Master, Daddy, Sir, Mentor/Professor... Pretty much PYL, depending on whom I was interacting with. I can't be anything on the lower-cased side of the slash, I have found. The best I have been able to do is TRY to interact without...er...well... "leaking." This even in platonic personal and professional relationships. (As a matter of fact, I have told more than one supervisor how the cow masticated the proverbial cabbage, but have never been written up for insubordination for some strange reason. Even though it was much deserved in multiple cases.) Even in brief acquaintenceships, I have had it pointed out to me that I just can't seem to switch it completely off. (Usually while Love was laughing her ass off at me as I argued that I was not either being "Mr. Mister" back there, but just having a conversation.)

But, the thing is, even for me, firmly on the D-type side, I am not the exact same thing to all people that I meet. Not even those I have entered into a recognized Dynamic with.

Some of it, I think, is, yes, what you feel... what you know in your blood and bone YOU are. How you identify yourself.

But, I think there is another often overlooked component which is the resonance that the other person sparks within us.

What I'm getting at is that right now, in and of yourself and interacting with the person (or Person) or people you are interacting with, one thing may ding your bell as "right." But, then someone else may come along that sends a clarion call singing through your blood and bones that this other thing is "right" and you just didn't know enough to know to miss it until they struck your soul with their mallet.

Am I saying you shouldn't read up and research? Hell, no. Far from it. Absolutely get to know you.

I am just saying that as you do, strive to be open to you, and to the people around you. Ever thinking you know everything, about yourself or BDSM or anything, is just a way to go wrong with confidence.

Suggestion

sub4ALPHADOM​(sub male) • Mar 31, 2019

Take off the mask - you will feel Naked aNd scared but DO it. Life can be a series of masks and underneath A LL OF THE MATERIAL IS THIS ':IF THEY COULD SEE WHO i REALLY AM THEY WONT LIKE ME"- ITS NOT TRUE YOUR ARE COMPLETE AND WHOLE THE WAY YOU ARE. TRY GIVING THIS A REST AND DO NOTHING THEN, AFTER YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING FOR A WHILE YOU WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO. gOOD LUCK EXCUSE THE CAPS MY CAPLOCK IS JAMMED, P.S. THE PLACE IN THE BIGGEST MASK IN THE WORLD - FAT FOLKS IN BATH ROBES PRETENDING TO BE MARILYN MONROE GIVE ME A BREAK - SINCERELY TAB HUNTER.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Mar 31, 2019

Hey man, I've been there too, and I can tell you that what you want is certainly possible. It all comes down to finding a partner that you can communicate what you need with, and is willing to work with you to find what makes you happy.