I'm just so confused

I'm just so confused

Kathrynn​(switch female) • Apr 1, 2019

Hi everyone,
I have been interested in the BDSM community for a while and I just really need advice. To start things off I want to share what I believe my personal interests are. I like being submissive, but I am a complete sadist which confuses me. I like control and to know what my exact life plan would be, but the thought of having someone else plan everything and for me to not have to worry about anything but what that person says is such a nice thought. I feel conflicted and torn because I don't know anything, but what I read while doing research. And I am too scared to go out and explore these feelings because I don't know how to meet someone that would compliment my crazy while not taking advantage of me. I want to explore and experiment with different things but I'm nervous to do it.

Sorry for my rant I could just use some help from people in the community

Thank you

Bunnie • Apr 1, 2019

Hi @ Kathrynn, welcome

It sounds like you’re on a great path so far... reading lots and exploring yourself... nice one. In my opinion, that’s a great way to go about learning what works for you and what doesn’t.

I’m just going to throw a question in here to help maybe clarify a bit so that perhaps it might help with input from others as well...
what is it about your sadistic aspect that confuses you? Are you wondering how it’s possible that it can co-exist with being a submissive?

Throughout the rest of your post, what I seemed to pick up on a lot sounds to me like a struggle to trust. Unfortunately, trust can only come from experience... it’s not something we can gain from reading. Someone showing us through their behaviour and actions, teaches us that they’re trustworthy... that’s really the only way that can occur (in my opinion). Although having said that... education and knowledge does help us to learn to trust ourselves and our judgement a little bit more... and I believe that learning to trust ourselves is perhaps one of the most difficult, most important and most rewarding things that can occur within this lifestyle. This could just be the ramblings of someone who shouldn’t be writing so late at night, however, I hope that by some miracle, you may get something from it. We’ve all been (and still are) scared and confused. You’re not alone. *hugs*

My advice is to talk to many different people... Doms and subs. Keep reading. Blogs can help a lot with realising that you’re not crazy, and that there are other people who you can relate to. Forums help with the more “serious” aspects of question and answer. Keep asking questions... no question asked is a silly question. You’ll find that most people are happy to help if they can. Remember to breathe. And google is your friend.

Thank you

Kathrynn​(switch female) • Apr 1, 2019

Thank you for your sleep deprived reply, regarding to your question... It is the how can it co-exist part. From what I have researched, subs are more times than not on the receiving end of things while the dom is on the giving. In my case tho, I'd much rather give than take. Also, like you said... all lot of this is stuff I need to experience to be able to have a clear idea of like and dislike which I just don't have.

Sybil • Apr 1, 2019

I completely understand where you’re coming from in a sense... when I first started I had those same conflicting thoughts. The differences in the opposite tho. I was raised in a very religious household and was taught the idea that women should be submissive to men. The consistent idea to be submissive combine with the total need to be in control hinder a few relationships in the past.


I personal dislike labels and the idea of having to consistently identify yourself and put oneself in a particular category.
However, in your cases just by reading what you wrote seem that you would enjoy both aspects of a D/s relationship {switch}. I definitely suggest exploring both aspects of it rather than putting yourself in one box.

Bunnie • Apr 1, 2019

I actually know many subs who are sadists... in fact, my last Rigger (who was a sub that Topped me), discovered and explored her sadistic urges with me (for some reason I tend to bring that out in people lol... we had a lot of fun and there was a lot of giggling).

Anyway, it’s possible to fulfill the sadistic urges by Topping masochists... kind of as a service Top, or as a Switch. A win-win for everyone involved... much enjoyment had by all

I tend to see it as part of a different spectrum of bdsm. If you look at the individual letters themselves, you’ll see the “b” for bondage, the “d” for discipline/Dominant, the “s” for submissive/sadism and the “m” for masochism.

Some people choose to identify as sadists or masochists completely unrelated to the D/s aspect of bdsm. Looking at it from that perspective, they can co-exist perfectly without any conflict, because it can combine with any other aspect.

The desire to inflict/receive pain for enjoyment or satisfaction, in my opinion, is related to a different part of us than our desire for/to relinquish control.

Kathrynn​(switch female) • Apr 1, 2019

I think my need to put myself in a box is something I need to work on because I totally spaced that nothing is so simple as a category. Someone had messaged me about my sexuality and if I like dominating women while submitting to men and I think that they hid the nail in the head. I need to stop limiting myself to simple labels because the human being is more complex then that.

stalldrangen • Apr 1, 2019

Hello Katrynn !

I love then you admit that you ar a sadist as well, live your dream we are many like me asking for dominant women that likes to be cruel an act in a sadistic way.
I would love to be a slave for a sadistic woman some one that likes to try her dirty dreams with a slave.
Have a nice time, best regards Stalldrangen.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Apr 1, 2019

Hi Kathrynn.

These feelings can come off as if they're conflicting, as if one can only be dominant or submissive.

And I'm happy to tell you such is not the case.

That's the beauty of being a switch. These feelings can coexist.

Asteria​(neither female) • Apr 1, 2019

Being nervous and confused is, for many of us, part of the journey. Inseparable element of growth and exploration in BDSM (but probably also in life in general). And it is OK to be nervous and confused.
But growth and exploration have one wonderful feature - once you find out what works and what doesn't work for you, things are going to feel just... natural.
Research, reading and talking to different people is a perfect start. Take your time to learn, and then, while experimenting just listen to your gut.

And always remember there is no one way of doing things. No one true definition of how BDSM should look like.