Dom not stepping up

Dom not stepping up

Teagan​(sub female){Enslaved} • Mar 31, 2019

I'm honestly not sure if this is the correct place to be posting this or if I should even be posting about it at all, but it has been bothering me for a very long time now.

To make a long story shorter, I discovered my current Dom online while playing a video game. After a year of talking, I moved into his place. I have been here for a year now. That adds up to two years of relationship. I can has math.

The issue is, while we were talking over Skype (before I moved), many promises seemed to be made about the type of relationship that we would possess and how it would play out after I arrived in person. I was meant to be a 24/7 pet/slave. Some obedience training was done over Skype although not much as he claimed more could and would be done in person since it is easier that way. Being completely new to the concept of a D/s relationships, I didn't think any better of it.

I waited patiently until the day arrived for me to leave for my new home, excitedly anticipating the life that awaited me.

However, once I seemed to arrive in my new home, all notions of training seemed to have flown straight out the window.

A year has since gone by and I feel as if I have received less training in person compared to when it was over Skype...

The only pet/slave related thing I typically do is I wear a locked collar and fetch drinks or put a phone on a charger when ordered...that's pretty much it.

I've been spanked all but once or twice, upon request mind you.

Very recently I spoke with him about our relationship and he agreed he would step up but nothing has happened yet.

I'm torn because I do love my Dom for the person that they are, but they don't seem interested in playing the role they claimed they were.

After having the smallest taste of a D/s relationship, I want more. I've read many forums and articles, all of which seem so exciting and enticing, but my own relationship can't even compare...

I am afraid to leave, because I do love them and I am ever hopeful that things will change, but I am also afraid that I am wasting my time with this Dom and that if I stay, I will never get what I want.

My apologies for the long post/rant. I had stayed up most of last night full of anxiety and anger because of my situation...I felt I just needed to put it down somewhere and maybe get some advice.

Thank you for taking your time to read all of this. It is much appreciated.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Mar 31, 2019

Good morning.

There are lots of types of abuses in BDSM. Many times when we talke about abuse in BDSM we talke about a D type that is out of control, overly controlling, physically abusive, and so on...

What you're dealing with here is a type of abuse called "lack of leadership". The reason that I put lack of leadership under abuse is because the end product of instability in the house, uncertainty of the self, and labile behavior ( i.e. yes I will do and then he doesn't . Yes I will be different and he doesnt change. I will pay you attention but only for a moment and then go back to me) are all characteristics of emotional neglect.


D types that refuse to lead are creating an unstable base for their s type.

I know it might be a difficult thing to think about what you are going through as an abusive situation.

But when you give all that you are to someone who makes promises only to not follow through, creates an unstable or chaotic household, or makes minimal attempts to address the other partners needs and then after that singular attempt simply goes back to how they were doing things. This is a emotionally abusive situation.


Because our BDSM identities are so integral to how we define ourselves as people we will often times blame ourselves for not creating interest in the dynamic. As in ... If I was a better pet than he would be a better D type.


Emotionally abusive situations are extremely complex..

So you have some thinking to do. I know you say that you do not want to leave your D-type because you love the person that they are.

My question is do you love who they really are OR do you love the person that you wish they would be?


You deserve a D type that will pay attention to you as an individual and a pet.

You deserve a d-type that is vested in you as an individual and your identity.

You deserve a D-type that will listen and follow through.


You deserve a D type that will step up to the plate and do their part therefore making it easier for you to do yours.


If you stay then you need to understand that how things are right now is exactly how they're going to be 5 years from now.

I apologize if this is harsh. However, the reality of where you are is not pretty.

Bunnie • Apr 1, 2019

Hi @ Teagan,

In all honesty, this is something that plays on my mind. Meeting someone online, people can be whoever they want to be. Some take it as an opportunity to be who they really are and perhaps can’t be offline... some take it as an opportunity to be someone they’re not... and I think some take it as an opportunity to try to be who they’d like to be, but aren’t yet. To me, it sounds like your situation may fall under the third one. Perhaps he wants/wanted to be those things, however reality isn’t quite what either of you expected, it seems.

Obviously there is a breakdown of communication. You’re unhappy. Something needs to change. I understand as a submissive how difficult it is to have to make decisions like these... I can’t make decisions regarding anything... let alone important things such as this. It’s so easy to want someone else to decide, or at least give us permission. Unfortunately, something like this can only come from you. My advice would be to talk with him very openly and honestly. Bring him here. Introduce him to the site. Show him your forum post and these responses. Perhaps he needs help or support. Lay it all out. What you’ve got to gain way outweighs what you’ve got to lose if you’re already considering leaving. I hope this makes a little bit of sense and perhaps helps in some way.

DrWakko • Apr 1, 2019

Since you are in Atlanta and interested about relationships, I suggest going to Frolicon. Its April 19th-21. They have relationship tracks, bdsm tracks, gaming tracks. Its a great nerd meets bdsm event in the USA.

Look into it. It might help with your relationship and/or relationships in the future.

DW

Dominus Blakesley​(dom male){Amaris Anc} • Apr 1, 2019

Hello there, and I am sorry you are going through this situation with your partner.

Yes, as said, you are going through neglect and it is making war on your emotions and mental base. I advise taking a step back and review what you want.

You want a loving partner, obviously, but from what I am gathering, do you value play and whatnot from this lifestyle more? And as mentioned, do you actually love your partner, or do you love the potential of what could be from your time with them on Skype? Maybe your "honeymoon" period with him has long passed and from your partner's end, they may feel that there is no need to make further attempts to keep you interested seeing as you are now living with them. Committed. Invested.

On another hand, your partner can be nervous, or even afraid. Being ordered to put on the charger or fetch water are rather tame things compared to what they could have you do, maybe they are anxious to move on to something more intense? Have they ever expressed hesitation and whatnot revolving around this side of your relationship? They may just need a proper talk but you already tried that, so maybe *you* need to take the reins and encourage them. One day, maybe don your collar and whatnot and wait outside their door on your knees with your leash (assuming you have one), or offer your complete submission during a romantic night, or even start practicing etiquette (if you have not been already) like "Yes, Sir or Mistress/No, Sir or Mistriss/ What that be all, Sir or Mistress?" You are the submissive in the relationship, you *empower* your Dominant. Perhaps waiting around for them to do something or simply throwing in a word that they should is not enough. Take the initiative, show them the Dominant you perceive them to be.

An alternative is that perhaps, they are not nearly as integrated or committed to the lifestyle as you would like. Maybe as you two started talking to each other via Skype, BDSM was a safe middle ground for you two to stand on and they may have relied on that. But now that you are there with them, they feel that there is no need. Truly, if they are not interested in play or making next to no attempts as promised at all, they will likely remain that way even if you do encourage them. A vanilla with a mere curiosity and slight dabble in BDSM, they might be, only utilizing it to spice up the bedroom if necessary. If this is the case, perhaps you should look elsewhere for a Dominant.

But all of this is only for you to consider, I am not in the place to tell you to leave them or stay. The thing about relationships is that they are all finicky at one point or another, and nowadays, the word "relationship" is thrown around so flimsily and this current age, most attempting couples only last a few months at a time because they are either rushing into it or they are not giving their full dedication and love as they should be. And others like to drop after that "honeymoon" phase that I mentioned, once all the extra gifts and whatnot stop coming, because they believe that is the true value of the relationship. Here, you and your partner seem to truly love each other, so the beauty of that, even if you are being abused in neglect on this lifestyle, you can always attempt to talk or make a middle ground.

Give your partner another go at a compromise and do your best to have them commit to meeting you in the middle. But if they are simply not invested in BDSM or interested in it at all, then you have to either make do with what you have or move on. And do not settle for things like online role play and the like, that will not satisfy you in the long term if at all. Seek out what you want and need and take it, do not sit and let it pass by.

Best of wishes to you, I hope everything between you and your partner works out.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Apr 2, 2019

Hi Teagan,

There isn't a lot I can add that hasn't been said already by more experienced members of the community.

All I can add from my own experience is that human beings are creatures of inertia. We tend to stay at rest unless acted upon by a powerful enough force. You should make the consequences of your Dom's lack of action as abundantly clear as possible. If that's not a powerful enough force to move them, it's not likely anything else will be.

MasterRenton​(dom male) • Apr 8, 2019

Afternoon,

Sounds like there is a lot of work to be had there, over the years I have heard stories similar to this and have rarely heard them pan out. I hate that you are in that situation and hope that you find what you need sooner than later. Most of the details for a new arrival should be ironed out prior to arrival.

In my acclimation process (training) I like to go over initial expectations and deliver in writing a list of protocol, duties, and emotional expectations. The building of structure early tends to help along the process toward a more healthy dynamic.

Not sure I could help ya, but I felt you should see how others handle the same situation.

MasterBrads painpet​(sub female){OWNED} • Apr 11, 2019

@MasterBear as always I've received so much from your forum post. I wish a month ago I had been back to TheCage for your insight.

My situation was similar but not moving in. It's because how life's situation took control. But still the feeling of your Dom being there but not being there. I got to the point of not feeling like a sub. I was always under the thinking as a master you are not super hero. Yet I thought when you take the reponsibility of a sub no matter you see to her. You don't let her/him feel disconnected.

I had very strong feelings for my master. With so much on his plate and me being new. I was thinking of him when I went to asked to be released. When I say alot it was alot. Maybe I was topping not sure because I've not been with a master long always due to life. But if you are a sub who cares for you master and you are a burden wouldn't this be okay to present your master. It would be up to him to accept/decline.

Again thank you for your helpful words.