The Fellowship of the Kink

The Fellowship of the Kink

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Apr 6, 2019

this is posted here instead of a blog to reach the many. i know you have been here on this rock awhile and i know you have your own (im)moral compass and know all the things. please, remember your friends do too and we all need to stick together; there is safety in numbers! i am not calling anyone out and am telling myself this as well. i too see things which make my normally salivating mouth go dry, my eyes open a little extra wide, and sure maybe my panties still a little wet. i may be afraid to consider something that today is too extreme. its a good thing i have someone to help usher me into darkness or i could trip or might not even go at all!!! *gasp. i would love to see people feeling free to discuss more kink on this site over the also important, yet “safer (from scrutiny)” alternatives such as relationship dynamics and feelings.

i don’t feel i need to reinvent the wheel with my own regurgitation of what so many have said before me, so here without further fanfare, please welcome back.... your open hearts and minds!!!

*just a reminder*


“Why Kink Shaming Isn't Cool & Kink Positivity Is

Us kinksters are all a little on the outside of societal norms, which helps bind us as a community. It’s great to feel supported by others who understand what we love, and while being kink positive makes everyone feel better about themselves, sadly this isn’t how all fetishists think, sometimes kink shaming happens. Find out why kink shaming isn't cool - and how kink positivity helps make us stronger.



What is kink shaming?

Kink shaming is when someone talks negatively about a person’s particular kink, especially when this is designed to put them down and make them feel bad about themselves. Kink shaming can be brutal and purposeful, but other times people do it without even thinking.

For example, telling someone who is sharing an exciting experience with water sports that peeing on people is gross and disgusting is very definite kink shaming. More subtle kink shaming comes when people talk about certain fetishes making them uncomfortable. Often prefaced with the words ‘whatever they want to do is fine, but…’ there is always a negative connotation involved.

“The dude in a ___whatever____, I mean, all power to the guy but it’s kinda weird isn’t it?” - Is kink shaming too, even if it’s a little bit more subtle.

What's so wrong about kink shaming?

You have your own kinks, right? You’re attached to them. They’re an intrinsic part of who you are. You enjoy them, they make you feel good. Okay, now imagine someone telling you that your fetish or kink is disgusting. That it’s weird or wrong or just icky. How would that make you feel?

It could make you sad or angry, it might even make you feel that what you love so very much is wrong or disgusting. It could prevent you indulging in something you love. It could make sure you never go back to that same venue again.

And that is why kink shaming should be discouraged. The fetish community is a welcoming space for all people to indulge in their own kinks in a safe, friendly and positive environment. There isn’t room to be welcoming and also judgemental of people’s kinks.

But what if it’s dangerous?

If you see someone indulging in what is clearly dangerous play, or hear someone talking about it, it’s fine to point that out. However, try to do it in a non-judgemental way. Give suggestions how it could be done more safely, or alternatives that aren’t so dangerous. Being concerned about fellow kinksters is to be encouraged. Just remember, everyone has different levels of play, just because it’s not something you’d do doesn’t mean it’s wrong. There are many risks in kink but as long as the people playing are risk aware then it’s okay.

How to be kink positive

Have you seen the letters YKINMKBYKIOK and wondered what the heck it meant?

Your Kink is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is OK

This kink positive acronym is a handy way to remember a long sentence that essentially says don’t be judgemental. We are all individuals and have our own likes and dislikes. Just because we don’t like or agree with something doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

It’s completely okay not to like something. Asserting that you don’t like needle play or don’t want to be a Pony girl is fine. That is your personal opinion. We all have those, we all have our limits. Being kink positive means simply to let others do what they want to do without passing judgement about it.

It’s okay to say:

I don’t personally like that kink
It’s not my thing, but you go ahead
I don’t want to watch that happening (I’ll go somewhere else for a bit)
Wow there’s so many kinks and fetishes, it’s so cool
I don’t really get it, but I’m glad you enjoy it

It’s not okay to say:

I think that’s weird
Seeing that makes me feel sick
That shouldn’t be allowed
It’s wrong
I can’t believe you’re allowed to do that in here
That should be stopped

If we are all kink positive, we’ll create a community that many, varied people love to be part of. It doesn’t take much to make a difference in our community. Be kink positive, encourage people to do what they love and do it as safely as possible and challenge anyone who is kink shaming. Let’s lift each other up… and tie each other up there, if that’s our kink!”

https://www.fetish.com/community/magazine/bdsm/why-kink-shaming-isnt-cool-kink-positive-is/

Miki • Apr 6, 2019

Kink shaming is wrong along with all the other shaming in general. it's the act of someone arbitrarily applying their opinions , ---to which everyone is entitled of course but must remain that. Opinion. --- to others while speaking from an assumed mantle of authority. Kink shaming not only involves one standing in "official" judgment of another's predilections , but also one who presumes to be an authority on what a so-called 'true" dom, sub, etc, and who is not.

I do not subscribe to "the lifestyle" full time. Does that make me any less of a member of the group than the full time house sub?

I'm a masochist. That is a form of being a submissive-- but only in sexual situations. In the outside world I'm a professional woman in the arena of technology. "An I T girl by any other name would be as nerdy." I'l never give all that up to be a house sub. The notion of being a full time sex slave and whipping post decoration is appealing-- but that would only get me off for a few weeks.. couple months on the outside if I'm kept really busy and get as much woman as I do man. I'd shortly thereafter look to depart and once again be my own woman.

I live with a roommate in a co-op apartment house. She is not a kink but we occasionally satisfy our sexual needs together-- but it is not a marriage, not a domestic partnership, it's "roommates with benefits"-- and neither one calls the shots around the apartment. Outside I am independent and will keep it that way. Does that make me "not in the lifestyle"? In the eyes of some, sure. I'm not a "true sub". Well, they are entitled to their opinions but they're also invited to kiss my ass.
That is kink shaming. There is no Mayor of Kinkville who can hand down decrees as to how and with whom one may officially get their jollies.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Apr 6, 2019

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Sorry. It had to be done.

But, yeah. I agree with the sentiment. I see no point or purpose in telling someone else "you're doing it wrong" when you weren't invited into their bedroom to share in the actual fun anyway. And I say that as someone with very few (actually only two) hard needs as far as kink myself, but very few hard limits if the partner I choose to spend my time, energies, and attention on has them as a need or desire of theirs.

I have been known to speak up when I had a safety or security concern that didn't seem to be addressed. On one memorable occasion telling a miserable little subbie that their fantasy of being suspension bound and left un-fucking-monitored for three hours should stay a fantasy or else their idiot rigger wasn't worth wiping my boots on. I then went on to explain why and gave several alternatives that would allow them to explore a safer version of that fantasy.

And several tried to dogpile me for kink-shame. Including the original poster. Nope. Got no problem with ropes fetish. Used to be a rigger and shibari practitioner myself before my hands got too bad to work a zipper, much less knots (thank God for velcro, right?). But, leaving someone unmonitored for fifteen minutes in handcuffs and legshackles in a hog-tie is contraindicated as it can cause lasting nerve and circulatory damage. In a suspension rig, too damn much can go wrong too damn fast to even step out of the room, or turn one's back, for more than one hundred and eighty seconds, much less for three fucking hours. (And, yes, in fact I was a team leader and sought after trainer for "Hotel Hell Room Service" [aka Detention Crises Response Teams] for a good long while, so I do know what I'm talking about from several perspectives.)

In my own case, I have issues with pegging (which are based on my personal history which I won't be going into in open forum as it isn't anyone's damn business other than mine and my play partners). And that is alright. I know where the back button is on my browser is if I stumble into it. There is absolutely no reason for me to even mention to anyone that I have a personal issue with it at all until and unless they try coming at me with their phallus (fake or otherwise) just because I have a keyboard. And if they do bring it to me personally, then a mild, "none for me, thanks" should be enough to send them on their way (without them thinking I'm somehow shaming them just because I don't want any of what they're offering). But, someone asking... nay, begging for it from someone, anyone will do... in open forum has absolutely not a damn thing to do with me personally and my opinion has not a damn bit of merit there.

Any road, all that is probably a bunch of ramblings and should be discounted other than to say I see what you're saying SweetSirRendering and Miki. And I even agree that only the kink bearer should worry about whether or not to carry it to Mt. Doom. The world would be a much better place if there was more fucking (however the two [or more] choose to explore) and less fucking over.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Apr 7, 2019

Love this.

Makes me think about a kink shaming class for next year....