Question for both submissives and dominants about communication

Question for both submissives and dominants about communicat

Vortexa​(dom female) • Apr 12, 2019

I was first going to post the question for submissive men to answer, but really I am interested in everyone's input, whether dom or sub, male or female.
If you are a sub approaching your potential domme (dom), what is the tone of your initial communication? Or, if you are a domme, how do you expect to be approached?
If I receive a message from a potential sub, I expect their tone to be extremely respectful (but not obsequious).
For example, on a different site, I asked a sub a few questions in an attempt to get to know him better. The only response I received back was a generic "private photo request" which I found to be incredibly rude in that he ignored my questions.
In another instance, a potential sub with whom I had been communicating with online for several weeks informed me that he was back in town and was very impatient about seeing me that day, even though up until that point, we had never met. I found this type of behavior to be very dominant/controlling, and was surprised given what the dynamic of the relationship should look like.
I am wondering if you've encountered the same - i.e. "submissives" who actually exhibit very controlling behavior when not behind closed doors.
While I don't expect potential subs to be completely obsequious, I do expect a certain degree of reverence and respect right from the start.
So, no matter what your role, what are your thoughts?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 13, 2019

I'd be happy if they just read my damn profile before hitting the post button LOL I know its long and boring but it tells you what I'm looking for (and when I'm looking etc) I'm more than the sum of my pink bits! . I like politeness and like to take it from there. Manners are free and do not take a great deal of effort (respect fails into that nicely) I'm not a grammar cop either. To me personally, the gist of a message is more important.

I dont expect much to be honest so I dont think there is a right or wrong way to make contact. We all have differing styles so that is often reflected in cold contacts. The odd open ended sentence would be nice, so if there is content to continue off... to see if things could progress further and grow organically. Often those one liners are hard to form a conversation that has any direction or form to spring from. That said, I'm not against the odd one liner, if has merit and direction. One of my poly partners got my attention with a knock knock joke. It broke the ice. Others have been long winded almost resume style approaches. Both have worked with me..for me its more about the content and on going "chat" than the "request or application for service" I'll ask all those important things like kinks and interests when or if it comes to it. If you read my profile you'll know the basics of my life. I want a whole person, not just when they are submissive. I want to build "more" with a person, they need to show me there is the ability for that "more" within ongoing contacts, even if it is eventually.

I do answer all messages. I ask for politeness so should be polite myself in return. I do feel for submissives that post cold contact, after contact. To never even get a "thanks, but no thanks" in return..effort should get effort in return, its a real human on the other end of the message, that has feelings too. I like to keep that in mind. Its hard to put yourself out there if you just get shot down. If your sending cold contact after cold contact and getting nothing in return....maybe look at the method your using Maybe its your approach.

I will also add I'm over blank profiles with no details or even an age. Just being submissive isn't enough....I need a person too! Seeing more about you as person makes for further interest (I know i'm not alone as Dom/me wanting this)

Vortexa​(dom female) • Apr 13, 2019

MissBonnie, thank you for your thoughts. We are of the same mind there, I believe. If the person is making the effort to be polite and respectful, it means something. Unfortunately, manners seem to be lacking in general these days :-/

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Apr 13, 2019

I will answer as from a subs veiw point.

When i was first messaged from my W olf it was very respectful. And i answered inreturn with respect for him as a person before a dom. Because thats what i believe people before kink.

I will have to agree that i feel that if a peofile is empty of someone who has messaged anyone not matter the side of s lash is just lazy.

And a word of advice to any dom/mee who may read this, feel out your profile and for pete sake read subs before senting message.

1. If you can t take the time to ffill out your profile. Than how does any sub know they want to talk to you.

2. Read subs profile not just sub female/male. If you cant readsubs profile , than you come across as just trolling if you can ask this or that about something on it.

3. Dont just say kneel sub/slave as first message.or anything sex u al for that matter.

Take the time. To do the first two will show that you.have taken ur time and care . which is always a good thing for sub/slave know that you care enough to show that u are serious and not a fake

And if you send a first message of sexual or kneel i can pretty much tell y ou t h at you will not be taken serouisly

Wiseonthree​(dom male) • Apr 13, 2019

Myself, I've always been the one to sort of initiate conversations. However, i think a good sign of interest is if they are returning to you. I like brats, and as such at times that takes a while to establish the whole "I want you to say morning to me when you wake up." I had it work pretty consistently with my 2nd 'real' opportunity. I'll just call her 'my brat' cause that is what she was at the time. We talked for a very long time as friends and i was just a welcoming open door for her, basically. So she kept coming back, till she could't continue it due to personal reasons.

As far as dynamics go: It should feel naturally paced, and not uncomfortable for either party. If the man is a submissive and he is growing impatient, it is simple: tell them how it upset you and discipline them accordingly (I think I know how i would handle the situation if they did such a thing but i'll leave that up to you.) Having dealt with brats, particularly impatience is one thing you try to..kick to the curb first.

Other person sounds young and disrespectful, not worth your time i think. This is just my thoughts

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Apr 13, 2019

Hi, switch dude here for context.

It sounds like those two are just rude. Regardless of the dynamic, making demands and general assery doesn't have a place.

Personally, I don't expect or give any submission when first meeting. Unless I'm partners with someone, I don't expect the tone or overtures of a relationship when I'm not in one with the person in question.

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female){N/a} • Apr 13, 2019

Ooh, quite happy to weigh in here. A bit of background, I identify Switch but am primarily Domme leaning and also bi so enjoy both males and females.

For me personally, (and I get that this is my preference, no shade for those requiring more formality) until I enter some sort of relationship (even informal pickup play) with a subbie type I do not expect deferential treatment, just polite and friendly. We are just two kinky people talking IMHO. That being said, if it's more comfortable for the sub to behave deferentially (using Miss or Ma'am, behaving/ speaking submissively, etc) I'm generally okay with it.

The other part of the question you asked, about submissives that seem controlling or act in a way that feels to you as they are trying to be Dominant, bears discussion too. I believe there was recently another forum q about that very thing, I'll probably weigh in there with a bit more detail but for purposes of this discussion, my feeling is that in majority of cases it's more a matter of them not really understanding how to act. My experience has been that *most* can be guided into the correct behaviors. Female subs *generally* are better about not being as pushy as the guys can be. My hypothesis is that it's purely a holdover from the nilla world. They behave that way because they've been conditioned to, so to squelch that re-conditioning is necessary.

Great discussion!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Apr 14, 2019

Be yourself. I don't expect anything when somebody initially approaches me. They don't know me in that way. So why would I assume they would know some sort of specialized protocol that I came up with eight years ago that only I know.


It's my personal belief that D types that are expectant to be treated as a D type outside of a negotiated relationships have forgotten that their status is negotiated in consensual relationships ONLY.


Just meeting someone and expecting then to "know" how that individual "D" type thinks they deserve to be treated is arrogance and horseshit.

Vortexa​(dom female) • Apr 14, 2019

Re the last comment - It is not a matter of personal protocol; it's just an offering of respect that goes along with any initial interaction with someone new, but is especially important in this type of relationship. If someone is not able to comprehend the basics of what it means to show respect in those first lines of communication, it does not bode well for what will happen later in the relationship.
That being said, I appreciate all the comments offered, and tend to agree with everyone (except the last one).
*SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female){Henna} I found your reply to be particularly insightful and thought provoking - perhaps it is your perspective as Switch that gives you that broader view of things .

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female){N/a} • Apr 14, 2019

Thank you for the kind words Vortexa. Perhaps it's my Switchedness, but entirely possible it's just that I'm older than dirt!
- Henna