Eclipse

Eclipse

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Apr 20, 2019

How to handle eclipsing your dom?
About half a year in, either he has the sentiment or me. That has happend to me a twice. Is there a solution to this? How do you guys out there handle it? I am wondering as I would like to prevent this in the future.

VWS • Apr 20, 2019

Eclipsing in what way? A little explanation might help others answer in a useful manner.

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Apr 20, 2019

Eclipsing them in terms of kink and the relationship.

Bunnie • Apr 21, 2019

Hi @ Emma the graceful,

I’m a little unsure... do you mean along the lines of outgrowing them?

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Apr 21, 2019

I guess yes and then ultimately ending up telling them what to do and how to do it etc.

1. Example

I started to get bored with the repetitive dynamic and I knew he was flirting around so my suggestion was to get myself a sub I could dom. It all ended in a huge fight and I never spoke to him that. There were more issues then met the eye.

2. Example

I was seeing this daddy and the closer we grew the more apparent to me it became that this would not materialise as we both did not want to move and the cultural backgrounds were to differentband at some point he grew so soft he lost the skills to dom me. Which was when I realised you can only dom me if I let you.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Apr 21, 2019

Hello Emma,

Here is my perspective. I believe you will only find the right kind of submission for you when you find the right match. As I am sure you will have noticed, not every Dom will have, irrespective of skill and experience level, the same style, approach and tool box. When you find the right match you will be able to respect him.

Its not necessarily a bad thing to be topping from the bottom. For example, you may find yourself someone you are crazy about and want to bring them up to speed by showing them how to do things. That would be a short term fix. However, if you find yourself topping from the bottom, being resentful of it and not being able to let that all go, then I believe you don't have the right match.

To be sure, I am all in favour of submissives being able to communicate their wants and needs. That is an important part of a healthy dynamic.

I think the word 'eclipsing' here is quite revealing. I think it is important for your Dom to be able to hold your respect and for you to be able to give it. The word 'eclipsing' would suggest that the respect has slipped in the case you talk about, for whatever reason. In a healthy D/s dynamic you would not even have this question.

I hope this input is useful.

Carraway

VWS • Apr 21, 2019

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find a Dom who can maintain his dominance over you. And yes, I would hope that all subs are only submissive ultimately because they want it and allow it to happen.

However, since you are aware that no Dom can actually use non-consensual physical force on you, are you sure you are not simply using the "eclipse" factor as an excuse to not actually give up control and power to the Dom or to escape from it?

I can see a few situations and results:

1. You actually haven't met someone that you truly want to submit to. In which case, perhaps you can try to develop a more specific set of criteria for your ideal Dom rather than simply being disappointed over and over.

2. You don't really want to fully submit to anyone and are subconsciously using the "eclipse" and impossible standards as a reason to escape from each new relationship. In this case perhaps you should look inward and clarify in your own mind what you really want.

3. You secretly desire to be dominated by someone who will not give in to you at all. This could be dangerous since it could easily devolve into an abusive relationship. Are you pushing your Doms in the hope that one of them will actually turn the relationship into a non-consensual "real slave" situation? I'm not saying that you are consciously doing this, but that it may be a motivation that you have not recognised in yourself.

I'm sure there are many other possibilities. Ultimately, I would suggest that you try to know yourself first. No Dom, no person can be strong and completely competent and dominant in every situation. Not wanting to "eclipse" your partner is a moving target in a game that he might not even know he is in.

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Apr 21, 2019

Thank you caraway immensely for your insightful post it was a real eye opener. I believe you are right within your theory. I never thought of it as a loss of respect but you are absolutely right and with it a form of resentment.

VWS thank you for your post too. Might be 1. and point 3. Though limiting yourself just hinders yourself. I believe in being open for possibilities. Some of my best experiences came from things I never imagined or let alone asked for.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Apr 21, 2019

Every D type has different boundaries.
For one you eclipse them when you make dinner without their approval of the menu.

For another just make the dinner.


It is the responsibility of the D type to educate you as to their boundaries.

There are no universal rules here.

My love made this mistake last week. I had given explicit orders for her to rest. While I was gone she vacuumed. When I got home I hit the roof.

As she feels better now. Tomorrow she will have a writing assignment to re engrain that I am not kidding. An order is an order.

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Apr 21, 2019

Hey Master Bear thanks for your input that is interesting but I meant it in a bigger scale. Maybe comparable with outgrowing shoes, at some point when in your childhood your shoes become too tight.