Confidence

Confidence

KillerAddiction​(switch female) • Apr 26, 2019

I have never been a confident person when it comes to sex [with any of my partners] and it really does seem to be taking its toll as of late.
I know what my partner wants, what I want to /ask/ of him, but there seems to just be a barrier that I can't overcome :/ We've been together 3 years so it's not like we're new to each other...
I guess what I'm asking is; Does anyone have any advice to build confidence?
I know a lot of it revolves around my own insecurities and that's something I need to work on myself [I /am/ trying to] but is there anything more I can be doing?
I want to be good for him, I want to be able to make him feel good without stressing myself out, you know?

[Sorry for the poor wording, I'm new to forums and I'm trying to get into them]

Herra​(dom male) • Apr 26, 2019

KA, it's not quite clear to me what it is that you are asking.

You say: "I know what my partner wants..."
Are you able to give him what he wants or do you feel lacking in some way?
Do the two of you communicate?
Does he let you know that you please him or are you left to guess?

You say: "...what I want to /ask/ of him, but there seems to just be a barrier that I can't overcome."
Do you believe your lack of confidence to communicate is solely a function of your internal insecurity or does he receive your input in a way that discourages your communication?

You're a switch. Does your confidence level change at all depending on your role at a given time?

Do you feel confident that your relationship and bond with him is strong or do you fear retribution or it ending if you share your concerns?

If you could pick one or two words to describe the reason(s) for your lack of confidence, what would they be?

MasterBear​(other butch) • Apr 27, 2019

Yes.

Fake it till you make it.

Take on the personality traits of someone you think is confident.
How do they walk. How do they talk. How do they stand and take up space.

When you start to feel different you will start to exude differently.

People will start to treat you differently.

I usually point out Benedict Cumberbatch in his depiction of Sherlock.
Because he is such a wonderful character study.

He also oozes sexual confidence.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Apr 27, 2019

miss addiction,

I had a couple of thoughts when i read this post.

I'm assuming from your post that you are already engaged in a bdsm relationship with your partner and that your question does not involve opening up that conversation - that makes things easier. I have some general advice regarding confidence and then some more practical things you could try in the D/s dynamic. I have come myself on a journey from no-confidence to confidence these last few years so i sympathise. I want you to know that, with hard work and persistence, it is straightforward and can be done. Step away, as much as you can, from any relationships and friendships that you might have around you that bring you down and suck the life out of you. Step closer, as much as you can, to relationships and friendships that you feel energise you. Your confidence is closely related to how good you feel - so look for ways to feel better about yourself. Of course good diet, sleep and exercise are always going to make you feel better.

I have come across this concept lately that really resonates with me: confidence is not something you have, its something you do ... Its somewhat akin to the idea of 'fake it till you make it' but I think its a better framing of the idea. In essence, if you can get into a space where you are confident, then your mind will feel that you are confident and that confidence will flow into other areas of your life. Its a simple virtuous circle. We all can think of instances where we have perhaps had an unexpected amazing win in life (meeting a new partner, aceing an exam, smashing a presentation or pitch, somebody coming up to compliment us) and remember how that feels? You get this huge burst of good feeling that flows and ebbs through other parts of your life - and that day you feel like you can do nothing wrong - everything goes right. That confidence has given you confidence. This works because confidence is not something you have ... its something you do. Right, so, to get confidence you need to do confidence right? How do we do that and specifically how do we do that for sex?

I am not a switch and have very little experience of those types of relationships: maybe someone else can answer how you can gain confidence in the switch roles. In terms of confidence in submission my experience has been that submissives increase in their confidence (in general life and in their sexual roles) as they progress but only when they feel confident in the connection - so if you feel a lack of confidence there you should work on the emotional connection. You need to feel safe, at some level, to be able to let go properly.

In terms of confidence in a Dominant role I have quite a bit to say. It is tough to take the helm when you have had less experience, when you notice the wavering in your voice and how dry your mouth feels. But know this. If your partner is wanting this then when you take control their mind is being blown. They are having such a surge of emotions that it is kicking them into next week - they are NOT fixated on how your voice sounds or whether you already said that two minutes ago. In fact their brain is being so fucked over with the emotions running through them they are only in this moment and they cannot even recall what you said in the last sentence. So really the confidence thing here is only in your head and there are some simple things you can do to help yourself.

First of all, tell them loudly and clearly that you are going to take control. Say it in a way that is a statement. 'I am going to take control'. This is as much for you as it is for them. And repeat it often, sprinkling it into your scene: 'I am taking control', 'I am taking control of you tonight', 'I am taking control of your mind and body tonight', 'you will do as I say, because I have taken control'. Secondly, use a blindfold on your partner. While this is great for sensation play and just general mind-fuckery, at this point it is only going to help you with your confidence. It removes their eyes, which can be a little off putting when you are finding your Dominant feet. Having them blindfolded keeps them a little more off-balance - not knowing what is coming next, and it allows you to take your time (and even fumble, shock horror we are human) without them knowing what is going on. Have some idea of the general flow of the scene mapped out in your head: this is not so much as a detailed plan that you will stick to, but rather its more of a general plan of what you might do - that way you have something you could do next and will not be stuck for ideas. Keep a crop in your hand, keep talking, even if its the 'I am taking control'. You might think that it is a weakness to repeat the same phrases over and over, but actually it works well to get somebody into trancey places. Remember they have lost a lot of critical thinking skills when you have them in this place. Tell them to repeat it to you: 'you are taking control', and use the crop when they hesitate. And lastly, take it slow, remember the space in an encounter has a quality too. The space between words and between actions: that space is full of possibilities, of promise, of anticipation - use the space. Don't be afraid to sit back and do nothing for a minute, it really keeps the submissive guessing. Even with little or no confidence your partner can have a fantastic time and if they have a fantastic time your confidence will increase.

Finally, finally, I would say that there are plenty of mind-hacks you could try and other skills to develop that would increase your general confidence: daily affirmations I find work well for me, various NLP techniques, hypnosis from both sides of the aisle develops confidence (and also the voice as the hypnotist). I think its important to get used to the sound of your own voice on its own in your partner's presence, and for your partner to get used to listening to you. One way I do this is to read aloud to my partner regularly. The subject matter is not so relevant but its important that your partner focusses on your voice and finds it arousing at a fundamental level. During this type of exercise you can also practice slowing down the words, being more comfortable with spaces etc.

I hope some of these suggestions help.

Carraway

VWS • Apr 27, 2019

A big part of confidence is knowing what you want to do and how you plan to do it.

Work at it one thing at a time. Think of a single thing you would like to do, or have done to/for you. It can be a very small and isolated thing. Envisage how you would carry it out. Write it down if it would help crystallise it in your mind. Think of it as a task you have been assigned to carry out. Then carry it out. Expect that things might not go as planned, but also remember you are trying to have fun. Just like any game, it can be scary and confusing, and you may feel that you will never be good at it. The only solution is practise. Small steps, done often.