How did you find your Dom?

How did you find your Dom?

Sam I Am • May 26, 2019

So I'm new to this and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to go about this. I was kind of hoodwinked into this lifestyle, had I known what I was getting into I would have been a little more compliant. But with that being said there isn't really a bdsm community where I live, unless I'm going about this wrong. Suggestions, maybe? I can't help that I'm picky, because I want to be attracted and want to serve whoever I'll be submitting to, if that makes sense. I also am not into the virtual relationship thing. I need the real deal and I'm starting to think I can only find it in Hollywood...

Solidbobtheflamingo​(dom male){Megagem} • May 26, 2019

I don't know about finding doms but I found my submissive on cage. Firstly stay away from anyone who is not being open with what they are doing. I am sorry you were tricked into the lifestyle. As to finding local events you can Google local stuf or I find that fetlife keeps things relitvly updated. Also no shame in knowing what you want from a relationship and what you are attracted too but the more specific you are the harder in general it will be to find a connection. Lastly I find that Hollywood never quite gets it right which I find disappointing. Good luck in your surch and I hope some of this helps

CrimsonPaw • May 26, 2019

Hi and welcome! Solidbobtheflamingo gave great advice. Not sure there's anything I can add to that, haha! Good luck on your search. Be safe and have fun!

Soulweaver​(dom male) • May 26, 2019

First of all, welcome to the lifestyle! I am not sure you mean by having been "hoodwinked" into the lifestyle, but going forward you should first understand that you should always be given the opportunity to consent or not, to any and all activities. Even in a CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) type scene, you must first agree to participate, if not it is at best unethical and at worst, could leave one open to being prosecuted.

But, to answer your first question. Finding partners in any lifestyle is not easy, particularly in the "kink" realm. But, I know that depending upon where you in the PNW, there is more than likely a practicing community near you, if not in your town/city. They are just not usually very obvious to the unaware. They can also be intimidating for someone new. Usually, just a simple google search can assist you with this. Try searching for BDSM and your town/city name, you might be surprised!

As for my personal experiences, I have met submissives in a variety of ways, usually online first though (at least for the past 20 years anyway). I also just happened upon one in a job once, which was just luck/coincidence. As I have gained more experience, I have learned some tell-tale signs of a woman with a submissive/kink nature, however that does not always equate to a woman who desires to be in a D/s relationship. It may just be someone who is a little bit of a freak in the sheets and that's fine if that is all one is looking for. Last thing, just be careful. I always operate on the trust but verify theory, when it comes to meeting people on the internet. It can save a lot of heartache down the road.

MasterBear​(other butch) • May 26, 2019

Well you really only have two choices
here :

you can go outside and tan in a lawn chair and wait for a Dominant to show up.



If that doesn't work you can try to order pizza for delivery.


My third suggestion is possible but much less likely than the first two

Go to events -- all of them. Make friends who are in the lifestyle who know that you're looking. Volunteer at every event you go to because that increases your visibility by 10.

Keep writing here on thecage --commenting to what others have to say, putting out blogs, and in general getting yourself known.


I know this really amazing male submissive / slave. However, they are very upset that after their one post here on thecage nobody swept them off their feet. My answer to them is: write blogs, comment, talk to others. And do it IN ADDITION TO the personal ads.


My beloved and I met at a lesbian bar in Florida. Back then I had one day off every other month. I had gone on a blind date that had gone horribly horribly wrong. After the blind date I went to the lesbian bar. Because my next free night was going to be a month-and-a-half from then. There she was.

I can tell you what she was wearing
I can tell you about the sound of her laughter, and I can tell you how I was a goner before we ever met.



Good luck out there.

Zaramia​(dom female) • May 26, 2019

First, I am not sure how one is hoodwinked into this lifestyle, or how compliance would have helped there....

Second, there is a BDSM community almost everywhere. Mostly underground in some areas, but there if you know what you are looking for.

Piggybacking on that, please educate yourself so you can spot what you are looking for when you see it, and what you are NOT looking for when you see it. There is a lot of Hollywood, also a lot of reality.

Third, submission is not for everyone. Submissive is not stupid. Do you identify as submissive, or were you just told that's your role in this lifestyle by whomever hoodwinked you?

I'm sorry, but your post has raised more questions for me than answers.

And I have met the kinkiest men/Experienced Doms/etc in unexpected places - like OKCupid, the hardware store, through some very vanilla friends. But I do second the notion of attending and offering to help at events.

Low{BLK OWND} • May 27, 2019

Hi welcome! Not sure about the being more compliant part ? When you connect with the right one you'll just be what your intuition tells you your role should be
You'll learn to please your one
Keep your eyes open and your radar on
Talk to people go to events
But above all else take your time to know someone and keep yourself safe!

AngelicOne​(sub female){Owned} • May 27, 2019

Daddy found me on here. If you are able, and willing to travel, that can definitely facilitate your need for irl relationships.

However, never let a Dom push you into meeting them, until YOU are completely comfortable, and do it in a very public area, coffee shop, mall, restaurant..don’t agree to meet at parks and stuff...those places could be more secluded than you realize.

You can even try dating apps like tinder, you don’t necessarily have to find your Dom on a bdsm website.

s types are naturally drawn to D types, so pay attention to that guy that catches your eye at the grocery store too...just cuz he doesn’t have Dom tattooed on his forehead, doesn’t mean he isn’t

Honestly, just put yourself out there, in the virtual, and real world, and you will find your person!

Originaljewel​(switch female) • Jun 14, 2019

I happened to have met my Dom on a dating site. We had both left the lifestyle for a period of time and we're just seeking a relationship. We just happen to have chosen each other on that site and through conversation realized we had both been in the lifestyle. It reopened everything for us both again. I think we were drawn to each other for a reason.

LifeAdventures​(switch female) • Jun 16, 2019

To add to what others have said: be prepared to share your needs with guys from vanilla dating sites. A lot of kinky guys also post ads on there. My late husband was vanilla before I shared my desires. He really loved it, but it took a bit for him to get comfortable with some of the activities.

I met my fiance on fetlife.

Best wishes.