Old dogs, new tricks?

Old dogs, new tricks?

Gilrad​(dom male){TreasureMe} • May 29, 2019

I've lived the lifestyle for 11+ years now without really being a part of the "lifestyle." My wife was my sub. She and I were a very happy couple.

She passed away recently ( Sept. '18 ) and now I am without a sub. Without a partner, my best friend; she was the only person, regardless, that I could trust. Now, I'm alone, adrift.

Understanding what I am and what I want, I find this (for lack of better terminology) extended family of like-minded people. Albeit, some of your tastes are far more advanced than my own. Now I sit and read, research, contemplate and analyse. This is a wonderful site/group and I hope to learn more about my propensities.

This is more of a "getting some stuff off my chest" kind of post and as such, I'm not really sure what I expect as responses. Maybe I don't expect response, maybe I just need to type.

I do need to know if my sub can be replaced? replicated? psuedo-copied? Is it possible to find another "perfect specimen?" Only time will tell.

Thank you all for indulging my Narcissism. I bid you all good day.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • May 29, 2019

"I do need to know if my sub can be replaced? replicated? psuedo-copied? Is it possible to find another perfect specimen?"

Way to soon for you to be looking.

Bunnie • May 29, 2019

@ Gilrad, I’m sorry to hear of your loss.

Gilrad​(dom male){TreasureMe} • May 29, 2019

You're probably right but I have to start somewhere.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • May 29, 2019

Holy hell, my heart goes out to you, man. I couldn't imagine how much that hurts. Just know that this community (atleast the members who care about it) are a family, and we care about each other. Everyone here is with you, friend.

Can your wife be replaced? If she was wonderful enough to marry, I doubt another like her is out there. However, you could find someone that matches you just as well, help you find your way home and stop being so adrift. And I sincerely hope you heal, and do so when you're ready.

NCarraway​(dom male) • May 29, 2019

Gilrad,

My condolences to you, whether in the lifestyle or not, it is a heavy blow to lose your partner and confidant. I wish you calm and healing times ahead.

I disagree with Miss Wicked here. It is not for us, or anyone to prescribe what you feel you must do. There are no rules when it comes to death and relationships in the lifestyle or out of it. You feel how you feel and you must do what you must do - no-one else can walk in your shoes. If you feel you want to do something then do something you should do. It certainly sounds like since you have lost your one partner, your one-woman support network, that you need to get some other support structure in place.

In terms of whether a partner can be replaced? That is a loaded phrase and means different things to all of us. Can our partner find future happiness if we depart this world? I think the answer in almost all cases would be yes. Does that mean that we are being replaced? I don't think it does. So, my interpretation of your question is: 'can I find happiness and a good fit with a partner again?'. My answer is, almost certainly. If you decide the time is right to start looking, then this is the right time to start looking. I would though remind us of the adage that we need to be balanced and (largely) sane when undertaking Domly duties - if you think you still need healing time or that there are undercurrents of unresolved emotions within you, as there often are with grieving, then you should proceed with caution (and transparency) with any new submissive. You should also be aware that even if you feel fine, once you get into a dynamic again you might find the new dynamic itself causes things to surface - is there a way around this? I don't think there is - except treading carefully, being very open with your new partner and being able to stop and talk, as equals, frequently. I think if you decide to do this then you would probably want to choose a more experienced new partner. I personally think that the D/s lifetyle, based as it is on dialogue, introspection and support, is a fantastic tool to many challenges in life: it may well be useful in dealing with grief also.

Perhaps I am reading too much into your words but it sounds like the two of you were not so social in kink circles? ('I've lived the lifestyle for 11+ years now without really being a part of the "lifestyle."'). I would recommend finding and pushing yourself towards a local (or not so very local) munch. They are found in many many places and can be an amazing support network of friends. Making completely new friends will help get you out of your head and give perspective on where you are and where you are going. This may be what you need right now, and they will understand the conflict between wanting what you need and losing a loved one.

My best wishes to you. Carraway

Gilrad​(dom male){TreasureMe} • May 29, 2019

@Carraway You are interpreting my 11+ year statement correctly. We were not a part of the social circles, we just lived our lives the way it felt correct to do so. It's only now that I'm realizing what that lifestyle actually was. I also understand the comments about "it's too soon", however, 9 mths of floundering can have quite the impact on one's soul. The question I postulated about replacement was rhetorical in nature. I realize I cannot replace nor do I truly intend to replicate what I had. I'm just trying to move forward in the best way I've found thus far.

Thank you for your support. I'm not rushing into anything, I think this forum post was just me opening the door. Several people have messaged me with support and advice, I will be using the advice and I appreciate the support.

Thanks to everyone.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • May 29, 2019

First off, don’t let people tell you what is “too soon”. Everyone has an opinion, but that’s all it is, an opinion.

My heart aches for you and your situation. I can’t even imagine the depth of your loss and the struggle you must be feeling. I imagine that you’re struggling with a desire to fill the void left behind but feeling guilty about “replacing” the person you cherished. But you aren’t replacing her. You’re just trying to find something to make you feel whole again. Another sub can love you and support you and fulfill your needs without tarnishing, disrespecting, or diminishing the invaluable role that your wife filled.

Moving forward doesn’t mean you leave your wife behind. You’ll always carry a part of her with you. But you deserve happiness and joy and fulfillment as much as anyone else. I really hope you find it.

I met my Sir here and both of us come from very different prior relationships as compared to the one him and I have together. It’s been quite a learning experience for me too. You’re welcome to reach out to either of us with questions or curiosities you may have about what it’s like meeting someone online, delving into the “lifestyle”, and the transition from love lost to finding love again.

MasterBear​(other butch) • May 30, 2019

Replaced?
Hell no.
Replicated ?
Double no.

But you can move on in your own time.

Just remember who you partner with next is thier own person.
If you are comparing them to who your lost love was, they will always loose in your eyes.


Im so sorry for your loss.

Gilrad​(dom male){TreasureMe} • May 30, 2019

@MasterBear

Agreed all around. Especially with your last statement about "the next sub."

I don't want my previous sub. I miss her, I revere her commitment and I will take the lessons learned with me forever.

I will not, however, try to actually "replace" her. That was more a rhetorical statement, my train of thought at that moment, if you will.

That would be a great disservice to them and myself. I'm delving into this lifestyle deeper to expand my horizons, not fall back into the same rut, so to speak.

Thank you for your input on this odd subject.