Hard limits

SirPain​(dom male) • Jun 4, 2019

@Freya369​(switch female),

You hit the nail on the head with your response.

I guess I am being somewhat critical but IMHO (In my humble opinion) I believe she needs to find another dom.

MasterBrads painpet​(sub female){OWNED} • Jun 4, 2019

Everyone is making good points. Hard limits should be followed. I've been with a Dom who didn't communicate about our future together. He got a promotion with his job. Well he knew my hard limit of isolation as well as lack of communication (not a real hard limit but he knew how I felt). For a month I held on. But lack of communication and isolation for asking where his transfer left us. Hard limits feel like a horrible way of punishment which I felt it was. Why? He said I was topping.

Communication and clearly expressed. Writing to say your wants can be misconstrued. If you don't think someone understand ask and clarify.

sweet november​(sub female) • Jun 5, 2019

I messed up because of my wording and it was completely wrong and miscommunicated.

He messed up by not asking me to clarify.

I respect Him and things have been resolved and actually things between us are better as we both learned not to assume.

Nobody is perfect in this and I take the blame because I didn't communicate correctly and clearly.

Freya369 • Jun 5, 2019

Just an addendum...

Communication takes place when both parties have understood what has JUST been said...this is quite difficult to do! Hence, clarifying will help...as in what did YOU understand by what I just said...its laborious, but has to be done. I recently became aware of exactly this type of thing, when someone THOUGHT I was giving advice. I wasn't, I THOUGHT, I was perusing the subject, giving opinions, looking at alternatives, this was my mistake and I am really working on making my speech more accurate and checking with the person...exactly what are they hearing! And most importantly...do they agree or not? Or just unsure?

Either answer is acceptable as long as it's a truthful one. It's tricky isn't it?

MasterBrads painpet​(sub female){OWNED} • Jun 5, 2019

I'm glad things got worked out. The main point in my thoughts is this. If you both learned and see it then corrected it. That's the main thing. It's sound as if happened to.

I wish you both well and much happiness.

SirPain​(dom male) • Jun 5, 2019

@Soulweaver​(dom male),

I'll agree that we only have one side of the story. However, as the OP stated in the very beginning, "...my hard limit is intentional silence. " Since the "dom" REQUIRED her not to contact him for a week, this is intentionally breaking a hard limit. In addition, the OP stated that, "I did say I needed a week break, I'm trying to sort a lot of things out. But I didn't say, nor yell that I wouldn't want to hear from him for a week. "

I've had many cases in which a sub/slave requested a short time away from the BDSM side of things for whatever reason. If I really wanted to keep the relationship with my sub/slave then I would be sure to give her the space she needed, but also would remain in contact with her. In some cases just talking about the weather, current event, cooking shows, or whatever she may be interested in has helped to maintain the relationship and occasionally allowed her to bring up whatever is bothering her (the reason she needed the break in the first place). By giving her the space she needs to find her own way to explain what is bothering her she sees my compassion for her and my desire to help her figure out what is bothering her. By cutting off all communications I'm basically saying to her that I have no desire to know what is bothering her and that she is of no value to me.

I know that in the past "Ignoring" was a means of punishing a sub/slave, but that has also been a means of breaking a relationship (albeit, unknowingly). In all of life communications has always been completely necessary. The human race would not have survived long without communications. Maybe a Neanderthals grunts and snorts meant that there was a threat or that a food source was near. Even without using words and phrases there was still communications. There will always be a need for communications and even more so in this thing we call a "Lifestyle."

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jun 5, 2019

@SirPain​(sadist male)

My friend we surely agree on the finer points you make. I would never attempt something so brazen as to violate a hard limit. But, I also suggest that it is his submissives' role to judge that violation or not. Ultimately, if she is comfortable with it, then it is what it is.

knicks33 • Jun 5, 2019

“I know that you believe that you think you understand what you thought you heard me say, but what you don't realize is that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Re: Hard limits

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jun 8, 2019

I see this post in two parts. Firstly the element of the hard limit, and secondly the element of silence/denying contact. At the end I have some comments on Dom prickliness (maybe that is another conversation...).

If you had previously communicated that intentional silence was a hard limit for you, and if your D understood this but did it anyway then this is unfair and not right. I would however suggest that this limit is tricky to define. If someone says their hard limit is anal play then I think we all have quite a clear idea what that means - nothing is coming near the butt hole in question. But if when you discussed this intentional silence in detail (as i hope you did during negotiations) did you just say 'intentional silence is a hard limit'? Perhaps you said or it was understood as 'don't ghost me and disappear' or 'don't go silent without letting me know first' or 'don't go silent without letting me know when you are coming back'. To add to this complexity it sounds like you asked for a break - this to me sounds like 'I need to drop out of the dynamic for a while'. So this is a nuanced picture and only the two of you know if you have stayed within the rules you agreed.

As for the whole question of silence. Well it is clear to me (and many others) that communication is key to this lifestyle and silence is the enemy of communication. Not only is there no to and fro of ideas and dialogue but the vacuum of the silence is filled with doubts, recriminations, bad feelings, insecurities, blame etc etc. This is why silence does not work. I don't believe it is effective as a punishment as it weakens the dynamic. Punishments should only ever reinforce the dynamic.

Doms can sometimes (!) be prickly creatures ... they sometimes invest a lot of effort into their dynamics ... they sometimes have egos that are larger than warranted. Depending on how the 'I need a week break' conversation went this may have come across as a rejection and the simple go-to response of most human beings is to withdraw when rejected. I have done this in the past and I am not proud of it. We all know that D types are to supposed to be stoic supermen (or women) constantly hyper-aware of all the submissive's needs - but the truth is we are human too. If that 'I need a break' conversation was in the form of an argument (your post mentioned you didn't yell but the fact that you mentioned 'yell' suggests some friction) then I can well see how that all played out. If however, you did that in the form of 'Sir, I am feeling quite overwhelmed with everything that's going on here at the moment. I'd like to step outside of the formal dynamic for a week while I sort myself out. I still need you in my life and want to continue communicating' and he still cut off communication then that is a huge over-reaction.

Either way I am pleased that it sounds like you have resolved the difficulties... It would be good for you to discuss it in depth so that you learn from the slip up whoever's fault it was.