How do I figure out if I am a Dom, sub, or something else?

BigNNerdy​(dom male) • Aug 27, 2019

This is an interesting topic that I wonder about myself, but for me the answer is a little less nebulous. I’m pretty passive and laid back in day-to-day life, generally letting or even expecting others to make decisions on how I’ll be spending my time. I like when people plan activities which I will attend, and when they throw parties that I can go to. I’m not good at that stuff on my own (has a lot to do with being an introvert and a nerd...) But this relinquishing of control is purely superficial to me. I do it, generally, because I like to do a variety of things, and I often get paralyzed with indecision if I’m the one that has to do these things. My default is inactivity, so I like having someone around that inspires activity. But the idea of submitting to someone in a sexual, romantic, or domestic situation actually makes me feel nauseous. Just thinking about not having absolute control in these instances fills me with panic, and I don’t like panic. So I’m 100% sure I’m not a sub, despite my generally easy-going and passive nature.

GvS​(other male) • Sep 2, 2019

Definitely seconding (or perhaps thirding, at this point) the suggestion to seek out a local munch. It is helpful to learn about other people structure their relationships/dynamics, and no amount of reading can teach you as much as seeing real people in a real setting. It can be intimidating, but everyone remembers what their first munch was like, and they will understand. Additionally, DON'T go to a munch expecting to find a partner right away. Just use it as a way to meet people as people. It may a few munches for people to be willing to open up to you- there are a lot of people who come once or twice then disappear, so they might be waiting to see if you'll stick around. In my experience, someone who gloms onto a newcomer right away rarely has the newcomer's best interest at heart. Also, thirding the idea of seeking out a BDSM 101 sort of class- a perfect setting to for answers to the kind of questions you need to ask.
I would also be happy to answer whatever I can through PM here.

GvS​(other male) • Sep 2, 2019

@BigNNerdy: If he have to stick labels on things, it sounds to me as if "bottom" is a better fit for you than "sub". It is entirely possible to consistently be on the receiving end without giving up any control. It's just a different type of dynamic.