How do I do this?

How do I do this?

Flippyn • Sep 5, 2019

Hi, I've come to ask you about something, because that's the only place I will get my answer. The thing is, even though I know I want to be a dom in a relationship, I have never had sex or was in a relationship (a little bit of online but that's different). I'm thinking about meeting a sub in my city, but I'm nervous. I don't want to fail their expectations, but I just don't know what to do. It would be nice to have some experience, but there is no other way to gain it. Any advice, for what should I do, how should I act when it comes to sex or a meeting?

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • Sep 5, 2019

Don’t over sell yourself. Be honest and talk with partners / potential partners about where you’re at and where you want to be. It helps them understand you and also helps them not establish unreasonable expectations. Start small (perhaps with a date), be open and honest, and see where it goes.

Unfortunately you can’t rush experience. Some things just take time and sex, I believe, is one worth learning right.

My advice for sex is actually pretty much the same, take your time.

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female){N/a} • Sep 5, 2019

Hello Flippyn, you have asked for advice here (a very mature and reasoned thing to do, btw) so I will provide you some of mine. I just actually discussed the same concept with another new person and had started ginning up a blog entry so I'll leave this fairly brief (for me, brief is a relative statement), anyone interested can read that soon (also relative...).

This may not be a popular sentiment but do believe it bears consideration. There are a number of avenues into the Lifestyle. There are no 'rules', no required apprenticeship, or necessary progression course to be a Dominant. In lieu of a mentor, a community such as this can be a resource, but it is most important that you know yourself.

You say that you know you want to be a Dom. Granted, there are those who have always known, in every ounce of their being that that kink, and especially Dominance resonates. But truthfully, my view is walking before you run is never a bad idea. Going from having never spent appreciable time getting to know how to interact with a partner to desiring an (also young) slave or sub (an important distinction to consider) & (who is likely to be as inexperienced as you) whom you wish to have some serious control over is a pretty big leap to take.

Not saying you have to be super nilla experienced, or this tall to ride the ride, or start as a sub to earn your Domhood. There are all sorts of levels to that which we do, from casual play interaction to full TPE. Any role can cause harm to another, but the role you are interested in trying on, that of a Master, has the potential to mess another human up if you don't understand what you are doing.

This isn't a 'go away and come back when you have a clue' message, it is a recommendation that you take time to learn, talk to experienced people, understand what the draw to kink is truly is for you, and consider getting your feet wet in vanilla dating before fully diving into the Lifestyle. We'll be here, there's no rush. No need to jump straight into the deep end of pool.

If you are position this is 'the only thing for you' then the best recommendation, as Mr Bond suggested, is to be honest and cautious with partners. It's definitely possible to come in and meet another newbie, and learn and grow into your roles together, but it ain't the easiest way...much luck to you. - Henna

Flippyn • Sep 5, 2019

Thank you very much, I will take your advices into consideration and try to start the relationship with enough cautiosness.

Re: How do I do this?

NCarraway​(dom male) • Sep 5, 2019

Hi Flippyn, I think I have replied to one of your posts before...

I take on board the comments about reading up and being educated. This is especially important if you want to try some of the more physical (and some more extreme mental) aspects of D/s. But I think, from what you say, you are a long way from needing to try any of that. I'd say stay away from that until you have a stable partner and have established a good working dynamic.

I am of the opinion that the only way to learn how to have a D/s relationship is to go and try it (safely of course). Managing the relationship is very tricky, you will make mistakes but you will learn from them.

It sounds like you are feeling the pressure of sex here. Remind yourself that D/s is not about sex, it is about relationships. Give yourself a break. All you are doing is meeting up with someone you might be interested in, having a coffee and having a discussion about what sorts of things you find interesting (in terms of kink-D/s). That does not require sex. I really like MrBond's suggestion: be honest about where you are and where you want to be. There is no use pretending you are super-experienced. Focus on the positives and eliminate the negatives. Don't say: "I've no experience with sex and D/s". Instead say: "I have limited experience with relationships but I am fascinated by the D/s dynamic. I am incredibly excited to learn about the possibilities and hope to find an open and honest partner to start exploring safely with." You can do a lot with D/s before you get to sex. I would even say that, because you are less experienced with sex, it would be better to leave all sex till later and establish a D/s relationship first.

And lastly I would say don't go to the meet up with any expectations. Maybe all you will have is a great conversation. Maybe you will make a new friend. Those are very good outcomes Thinking about sex too early is too much pressure.

Good luck,
Carraway

Flippyn • Sep 5, 2019

Dear Carraway,
It's not that I expect sex, the thing is that I'm completly fine with laying together and watching a movie but what I'm worried about is my future partner expectations. I won't pretend to be experienced because things like this come out anyway. What I'm worried about is, if she would likes to takes things to the bedrom early. I'm just don't want this to get weird and go smoothly.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Sep 6, 2019

Do yourself a favor:

Masturbate before you leave to meet them.

It will help you relax.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2019

Flippyn

I understand what you are saying but you are jumping ahead of yourself. There are two cases here 1. Where you are meeting to get to know each other, and 2. When you are in a D/s relationship - a dynamic. Let me talk about the two separately.

1. Getting to know each other.

Here you are meeting to talk and see if you like things about each other. Often for men, and some women that might be visual. Often for women, and hopefully a good proportion of men that might be more based on character. You will also find if you 'click' well - to see if you have a good vibe. You might find more about the types of interests she has, and you can share yours. I am sure you will both be incredibly nervous, but fuck it, do it anyway. You learn by facing discomfort. Physical sex should not be a part of this - you need to keep your head straight. You are two separate human beings here and you should treat her with respect - do not assume you are in a dynamic.

If things go well then you two can talk about entering a dynamic, what sort that would be, where the limits are etc etc.

2. In a dynamic

Once you are in some sort of arrangement or dynamic then the rules are changed.

Remember you are in control and she is waiting for your lead. This something I knew but did not fully understand when I started. It is important to realise that you hold the frame - you are the one who decides (within the limits that you have discussed) what you do.

So, for example, if you decide that she is to be only spanked then that is what you do.
If you decide that you will cook together and then watch a movie with no sex, then this is what you do
If you decide to stroke her body for two hours and then send her away with no orgasm but incredibly horny then this is what you do
You do not have to have sex just because you think she expects it.

So, the point here is that there are no rules (except the limits that you have agreed). You are in control of what happens and when, and she will be aware of this - it is a very important part of the experience to keep her guessing about what happens next. Do not think that you have to lie together for a while, make out, then have sex. That is the vanilla way.

This concern you have about her wanting to go faster than you - this is a weasel thought. This is a thought running around inside your head trying to make you back out. Go have the coffee and see if you like her! Happy to talk over DM.

sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} • Sep 6, 2019

as I read this there are two things you wish to achieve 1, lose your virginity. if that is the case hop the train to Amsterdam to the red light district see a pro they are there for a reason and tell them this is your first time you will find them a great help. that will give you all the sexual experience you will need. don't be surprised when after you feel is that it is that all there is to it? the answer is yes that's all there is to it. it is simple biology and anyone can do it. now for the second question having or entering a relationship that takes time to form there is no fast way to to a relationship and it is always changing. I am in my 60ties and I find new things and new ways. but it always starts the same way talk and trust about anything and everything that is not sexual that will either happen or not.

Debz​(sub female){Barnaby} • Sep 6, 2019

I have been following this since you posted it and NCarraway, you have raised a very valid point which has helped me loads so thank you