Trying to improve/define/work on my confidence as a Dom

Trying to improve/define/work on my confidence as a Dom

CuriousDom​(dom male) • Sep 9, 2019

I'm a relatively new Dom, developed an interest in it from a previous relationship where she was sort of my Sub.

Although she loved putting it in that way, we never got to put into practice as much as I would like, which is of course not her fault,
I just wanted to experiment more and she seemed to already create an image of me that wouldn't seem to let her see me in that light.
She has a very specific way of seeing things and once something is given an image she tends to stick to that.
tl;dr: Didn't get the chance to really dive into where we could go as a DomSub.

Now I've recently started seeing a polyamourous switch (I'm poly too) who prefers to tap into more of her submissiveness around me.
We've already met and messed around a bit, but I've noticed that a kind of anxiety is starting to develop in me. I'm starting to get really insecure
about myself, getting anxious over being anxious about reading into things too much. Thoughts like "Am I even being a Dom right? Does she
doubt my ability to do so? Does she even want to see me again?" and it seriously is messing with my ability to keep a Dom kind of energy.

I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'd be looking for, I have a feeling I know what anyone would reply to this or the kind of advice they'd give
already. I guess it would help to hear it from someone in the community, someone who has maybe gone through it or is experienced enough to
give me words of wisdom.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Sep 9, 2019

Welcome relatively-new-Dom

I have been where you are. It is difficult. You are second guessing everything you do, trying to measure yourself up to an imagined yard-stick that you have never seen. The magic ingredient you are missing is, as you have pointed out, confidence, that is all; while there is no magic bullet to instantly gaining the confidence you need, rest assured with constant work and attention you can build it up to where it needs to be.

I know you are not attaching any fault to your previous partner for the situation but your first paragraph suggests it is on your mind as a factor. So, first of all, get your ex-girlfriend out of your head as to why, in part, you are feeling awkward. Focus on feeling grateful that you had the experiences you had and that it put you on this path. You need to take hold of the reasons that you feel this anxiety and own them. They are your reasons. When they are YOUR reasons YOU can do something about them.

In my world, being a Dominant is not living a life doing the things that Dominants do. For me it is not a list of activities that makes any of us a Dom. Fred can do all the things another Dom does and still not pull it off; on the other hand Fred can do things that we don't associate with dominance and yet come across as very dominant. For me, dominance is not in the things you do, but in the way that you do them, and, as a consequence of this, the critical aspects are your thought processes. Which brings us back to confidence.

You can read all of the books and blogs and internet fluff (there is a fair amount of that) as you like and it will not improve your confidence - confidence will only be improved by doing and is best tackled across all aspects of your life. To be sure, I am not advocating going out to tie people up without training, or flogging people you don't know without any learning in the bank. But I say go about your day pushing yourself to have confident human interactions where you display dominant traits. It takes practice and gumption to do this but it pays off in many ways. (I also advocate getting into your local 'scene' to meet likeminded people so you can realise that you are not that weird after all.) And I am definitely advocating rolling your sleeves up and getting knee-deep into your D/s dynamic to learn what it means to you. Learn how to hold the frame, how to handle feelings, brattiness, discipline, romance, learn how to boost your communication and how to keep her in a high state of arousal. So what if you say the wrong thing, handle an issue the wrong way or otherwise screw up in your D/s dynamic? If no-one gets hurt and you learn from your mistakes then I say go ahead and screw up. You will probably be faced with a partner that screws up from time to time too. We learn our most valuable lessons from our mistakes, and you will screw up. By doing you WILL improve your confidence.

Overthinking is not a dominant trait - so cut it out!

On a practical level I'd suggest a couple of tricks that can take the pressure off you during a scene.

1. Always have the scenes/meets in a place that you control. Ideally this would be at your place. This is your space and she is in a very real sense entering your frame/world there. You also have all of your gear close to hand and already feel comfortable. Do it when you know you will not be disturbed.
2. Plan, in a general sense, the scenes ahead of time. If you have a rough plan in your head then you will know, if you run dry, what you want to happen next. Don't be tempted to do too many different things in a scene. Like the musicians say, less is more Often the beauty happens in the space between the notes.
3. Practice/force yourself to use your voice. This is a learned skill. It feels really awkward at first but trust me she will absolutely get off on it when you start to get into it. You can say the most mundane phrases and if delivered well will make her shiver. I'd suggest practicing a few lines that you will find useful ahead of time. Say them loud, with confidence and intent. Things like 'get on the bed', 'lift up your legs', 'get your arms above your head, and don't you dare move them', 'look at me', etc etc are easy lines to start with. You can repeat them as many times as you like moving her from position to position. The actual words matter far less than the fact that you are saying them and are in control of the situation. She will become disoriented and focus on your instructions, the moment and her submission.
4. I found, at the start, that using a blindfold on my partner took a huge weight of pressure off me. Something about the eyes of a partner adds to expectation and it was good to remove them (without mutilation!). Blindfolds are generally very sexy and the sensory deprivation adds to keeping your partner off balance in a scene - not knowing what will come next. Blindfolds can also have the advantage of making your partner less inhibited.
5. Part of the beauty of BDSM and kink in general is that it takes the focus off the orgasm. Accept that there may be orgasms and there may not: orgasms are no longer the point. The point is that you will have an incredible scene with your partner that she will not be able to stop thinking about for days. That is a gift my friend.

I hope this helps, Carraway

CuriousDom​(dom male) • Sep 10, 2019

Thank you!

It helps hearing these from an experienced Dom. You've given me a better perspective and I appreciate all the wisdom.
Even the way you write has given me an idea as to the kind of energy I want to convey, the kind of almost effortless kind
of confidence and dominant communication that I'm sure you've developed through trial and error. I'll work on myself
and hopefully find my balance.
Thanks again!

NCarraway​(dom male) • Sep 10, 2019

Good luck to you young man. My in-box is open if you need to talk further. NC

Confidence.

Shiruba Doragon​(dom male) • Sep 11, 2019

There is in my view only one way to grow into any relationship, be it D/s or vanilla, and that is to communicate with your partner and trust in your communication. Being Dominant is not a set of behaviours it is a state of mind. You are either Dominant (or submissive) or you are not. Having said that, I recognise that there is no clear line between being Dom and being Sub. Perhaps this central area is where the Switches dwell.
If you have good communication your partner will tel you what they want and what you are doing that is right or that they don't like. If your communication is open and good, the negatives will not be a threat, they will lead to growth. The most important aspect in any such relationship is trust.

Luckyy​(dom female) • Sep 11, 2019

A lot of the advice already given in this thread is hella useful, but I will add a bit in about expectations.
With one of the first subs I ever had, I was really nervous for our first few times, both because I was inexperienced (they were as well) and because I felt like I had to live up to whatever expectations they had in mind for how I'd be.
And I think everyone sort of has these expectations naturally, or thoughts ahead of time on how they imagine things will be, but I voiced these concerns with my sub at the time and they were honestly surprised I was so nervous about that sort of thing. For the most part, they were just excited to experience things with me, regardless of how things were going to go.

I think it's important to remember that, yes, we all want to experience things and get certain things out of a relationship, but nobody has to meet any expectations. Your partner is probably just excited to get to be with you, regardless of how successful your scenes are or whatever.

And, on that note, it's worth telling your partner that you're nervous or unsure. It's ok to be cautious or unsure, and if they're cool, they'll be down to just try stuff out and not take things too seriously. It's unlikely they're going to judge your skills or whatever if they know you're still trying to get comfortable.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Sep 11, 2019

As a sub, I don’t have much advice of my own for gaining your confidence as a Dom but I can add maybe a couple things.

1. I’m glad you’re addressing this. Admitting that you’re struggling with something is a confident move in and of itself. It’s not easy to tell other people that you don’t have it all together. So kudos.
2. As subs we can sense when our Doms are unsure and in turn it makes us feel unsure ourselves. If you exude confidence, it adds a thick layer of comfort for us putting ourselves in your presumably capable hands.
3. NCarraway nailed his response. I was vigorously nodding the entire time I was reading it. It’s all very good advice and I hope you take it.
4. Carraway said something that caught my attention in an unintended way. “Rolling your sleeves up...” He meant it metaphorically but it made me think to suggest literally “rolling your sleeves up.” What I mean is that there are certain physical traits that can portray an image of confidence and ease; like rolling your sleeves up to your forearms, wearing a tie that’s slightly loosened at the end of a work day, standing causally with one hand in your pocket. Simple things such as this make me blush when I see my Sir doing them. You may have heard the phrase “dress for the job you want”. It’s kind of the same concept. You want to feel a certain way and project a certain image, then dress the part.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Sep 12, 2019

AKittenforSir...4. Carraway said something that caught my attention in an unintended way. “Rolling your sleeves up...” He meant it metaphorically but it made me think to suggest literally “rolling your sleeves up.” What I mean is that there are certain physical traits that can portray an image of confidence and ease; like rolling your sleeves up to your forearms, wearing a tie that’s slightly loosened at the end of a work day, standing causally with one hand in your pocket. Simple things such as this make me blush when I see my Sir doing them. You may have heard the phrase “dress for the job you want”. It’s kind of the same concept. You want to feel a certain way and project a certain image, then dress the part.

That is an excellent point. I was meaning metaphorically but it is a trick i used extensively at the start. Looking good and grooming (to some decent but not to an over-the-top level) is as much for you as for her. You need to feel comfortable, know you look pretty good and then detach from your image of yourself. If you end up obsessing over your look then its too much. Many of us will have an item of clothing that we can wear that will put us in a positive mindset. If this is something that makes you look domly them all the better (beaten up dressing gowns would probably not work well) - could be a special belt, a favourite shirt, particular shoes etc. I used to wear a particular waistcoat at the start that helped - I would always refer to it in my head as my 'spanking waistcoat' . That was something that putting on I immediately went into the right headspace with confidence. Its a good trick and I'm pleased it also came up here.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Sep 12, 2019

Self doubt is a critical emotional process on D types that are balanced.

It is also a normal emotional process when you are in BDSM. If you are looking to become more confident then practice being who you want to be. It sounds kind of simple and kind of stupid. But it starts to translate in the brain. It's the whole fake it till you make it concept.

Confidence is one of the places where fake it to you make it actually works in real time.

Practice being the person you want to become. How do they stand? How do they talk? How do they "feel"?

And never loose self doubt.

CuriousDom​(dom male) • Sep 13, 2019

I appreciate all of this advice, I'll be sure to keep them in mind for sure. Thank you NCarraway, Shiruba Doragon, Zealous, AKittenforSir, and MasterBear. You've all been very helpful.