Is it ok to ask?

No Body​(dom male) • Sep 18, 2019

Hi all. Just a response to Badviking. Of the three subs I have had I have always been asked. I have never offered my collar to anyone. I have thought about it but it never have. I have only collared one and that was sometime after we met and been together. It is just my feeling that if I am who she wants then she will let me know. I guess I have had to many women just come and go out of my life to just jump in to something. Anyway there it is.

Remember life is a journey not a rock band. So boldly go where no one wanted to go in the first place.

Tied and Bound​(masochist female) • Sep 21, 2019

I appreciate everyone's responses. It's been a crazy journey.

When I posted the question, is it ok to ask?, I wanted to submit to my partner and was very confused about whether this was ok in the D/s world. As it turns out, doing so would have been a great error.

I've learned a lot about myself since asking this question, and a lot about what I want. It's been a confusing, exciting and sometimes hurtful experience.

So, in this experience I have realized that I don't WANT to ask......I want to be hunted and captured, in every sense of the word. For some of you this may make sense, for others, wtf will come to mind.

Please, do comment. I'm very curious about how others in the community would view this

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female) • Sep 21, 2019

I think you've just identified yourself as prey who is in need of a primal hunter. There is nothing wrong with that at all. It's your kink. Everything you have already been through, although it was painful and confusing for you, was just your path to finding your kink. You did good, it takes many people a really long time to identify their primary kink and base needs. Now you just need to tease the primal types a bit, to entice the chase.

Miki • Sep 22, 2019

Off Topic, Sorry but it totally has to be said!

---Gawwd I loved that closing line!!!!! Captain Kirk go scratch your ass... Can I use this quote-- like at parties or something??? I also love your avatar..


Rock On!

Aria Smith​(dom female) • Sep 22, 2019

the more information you have the better.

Ask around lots because that how you get the best information.

Listen in on several different podcasts sometimes they hit on exactly the issues you are wanting answers for

Pay attention to your gut. If you feel there is something wrong talk about it. If you feel you aren't getting the respect you need consider if the relationship is worth pursuing

wynd​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Sep 28, 2019

I have a different perspective on the use of a hard limit as a punishment. I hope my perspective comes across clearly.

As long as the rule is clearly explained outlined and the consequence of breaking said rule is explained. I also feel the punishment should fit the crime.

I don’t see this as something enough to imply that a dom is a bad dom or unsafe or whatever because there are too many possible variables.

You are never allowed to sneeze on me, if you do you will be punished by something on your limits list.
That’s something completely unreasonable because we don’t have control over it.

You are never allowed to intentionally burn the house down if you do you will be punished with something on your limits list.

That’s something reasonable as you as the submissive have the ability to exercise self control and not break the rule and receive the limit as a punishment.

Don’t break the rule you won’t get punished pretty simple stuff.

Zedland​(dom male) • Sep 28, 2019

@wynd,

While I can respect your position as to yourself, I would never use a HARD limit as a punishment or tolerate someone else doing so in my presence or knowledge. For two very good reasons. The first is that it shows a lack of respect for a sub in that you would violate their inviolable. Secondly, it shows a lack of imagination if your only idea for a punishment is to break a HARD limit. There are many, many other ways to cause discomfort and teach lessons that don't involve overstepping oneself.

As a metaphor hard limits would be the edges of the painting that is a sub. Something that defines the area in which you have to create a masterpiece, and something you can't go over.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Sep 28, 2019

Hard limits are hard limits for a reason and any Dom/me worth the title won't break a hard limit.
If a Dom/me can't think of a punishment with breaking a hard limit they need to get out of the lifestyle

wynd​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Sep 28, 2019

@ zedland

I get what you are saying and I view willful disobedience of a dominant’s rule as important as a submissive’s limit.

Willfully disobeying a rule is in my opinion shows a deep disrespect towards your dominant.

Yes maybe they could find a different punishment.

We are all humans and we all have baggage some more than others and scars from said baggage.


Maybe the rule stems from past baggage and that scar isn’t fully healed. It’s really important to that d type. Maybe 5-10 years from now that rule isn’t as important as it once was.

We grow we evolve and our priorities change based on things that happen to us in life.

Our actions in life have consequences, I choose to go to work everyday and every two weeks I get a full paycheck. (Good consequence) I choose to go to work only when I feel like it and my paycheck is not so full. (bad one)

I’m not going to judge someone’s value as a dominant based on a rule and choice of punishment for breaking said rule.

In turn as a submissive I need to decide on whether or not I have the ability to be compliant with that rule.

I’ll give you a personal example, years ago in speaking with a potential dom and discussing his rules and expectations of me.

One of his rules was that I would not eat after 6 pm. (He actually imposed and followed this rule himself)

At the life place I was at, I would not have been able to comply with that rule because my 3 children were young and had a lot of after school activities.

Some days I would leave work and get caught in traffic and I wouldn’t have enough time to even get out of the car when I got home because I had to put on my moms taxi service hat and sometimes I wouldn’t have a chance to eat anything until after all the running was done.

Because of my circumstances I knew going in that I would not be able to comply with this rule 100% of the time and sometimes it was out of my control.

I tried to negotiate with him on it and there was no wiggle room he wouldn’t even consider it.

At the time I thought it was absolutely ridiculous and in turn he was. But in hindsight something could have happened in his life to make that one rule so very important at that time in his life.

Maybe today that rule isn’t as important to him as it was then or maybe it is. Maybe he’s a good dom maybe he’s an asshat.

My life place today is that my kids are all grown and obeying that rule would be completely within my control and i wouldn’t have a problem with it.


Once upon a time I had a very long list of limits and actually early on in my journey I had one limit violated. But the context in which it was violated wasn’t a malicious one or done by a “bad” dom. It helped me gain perspective and taught me to learn how to self reflect and grow.

In the context of this discussion the said dom who violated the limit would be labeled as bad and nothing could be further from the truth. 19 years later he and I are dear friends.

Zedland​(dom male) • Sep 28, 2019

@wynd

A Dom's rules are no more important than a sub's limits. In fact the former significantly less so because as you mention they are negotiated and agreed upon before they have force, where as limits are unilaterally inviolable. As it should because as with any superior/inferior relationship our needs and wants are far less important than those of the ones in our care.

Nor is it in anyway necessary to use a HARD limit as punishment for anything, no matter how important. It is a mistake of inexperienced amateurs who think the only way to punish someone is to force them to do something they don't want to do.