What to do?

Neches1836​(dom male) • Oct 3, 2019

I never set her limits. She does. The only thing I insist on is no substances or alcohol shortly before or during play. It can cause problems.

RuleMaker​(dom male) • Oct 3, 2019

Sounds like you are both committed to making it work. That's the most important thing. Don't let anyone tell you it's impossible. Hard, yes, but you already knew that. All I would add, to answer your original question, is that being monogamous does NOT mean you need medication! If you need treatment for mental health issues, that's one thing, but monogamy itself is not a mental health issue.

Neches1836​(dom male) • Oct 3, 2019

I had a sub that is Bipolar. On and off her meds all the time. This led to us not being together. If you are concerned about your mental health see a professional in the mental health field is the best I can tell you. In the final analysis it is up to you to chart your course. You may have to accept the situation or move on but do not feel guilty. You can not change him.

Robin Silver​(dom trans woman){Sammilynn} • Oct 5, 2019

In an actual Master/slave dynamic, the Master has complete say of everything. No discussions, agreements, negotiations, or even considerations for, of, or with the slave. A slave is property and the Master does whatever he wants with it, even to extremes before and/or after ownership takes place.
The difference we have in a Lifestyle dynamic is that the relationship is voluntary. The sub/slave will always have the power to be there or not to be. The closer a Lifestyle slave desires "real" slavery, the more power will be submitted. Hopefully a sane and thoughtful Master will take those reigns in loving hands.

gypsyb • Oct 5, 2019

Can I say please do not go down the path of meditation .
I say this I have recently gone cold turkey after 18 years with that crap
living without feeling and accepting everything because you just don't care.
I have finally found myself again.
BIG Hug G xx

No, OP, you don’t have to leave your Dom.

HardSMac • Oct 8, 2019

It makes sense to use the proper term here, even though it’s not yet in the dictionary. What we are really talking about here is “monamory” versus “polyamory” Monogamous means marriage to one person. Monamory is the silly concept that you can only love one person at a time. It is unnatural. Sexual fidelity among any form of animal is virtually unheard of. Look around you, think about your life, if you have two or more children, how did you go about deciding which one you were going to love? What about your parents? Did you pick which one you were going to love and expect everything from them while you have no love or expectations for the other one? I was surprised to read so many posters encouraging the OP to just walk away when there is a Poly/monamory relationship. While it is true that if you have been conditioned to believe that monogamy is natural, right and true, you might find it difficult to handle your partner being poly. However, it is not impossible.

The fallacy that drives dull, clingy, unsatisfactory monamorous relationships is the concept that one person, usually described as, “the right one,” is capable of fulfilling ALL the other partner’s needs. Anyone who has been in any kind of serious monamorous relationship for a significant length of time experientially knows better. In monamory, partners are tied together at the genitals in a death spiral of diminishing returns. When one must suck absolutely everything they need from another, it rapidly dries up all excitement and positions them for emotional, financial, physical, and sexual disappointment. Worse, if you are fulfilling many, but not all your partner needs, in monamory, your partner must get rid of you and move on to someone else who fulfills more of what they need. In a polyamorous relationship, each partner can provide different things and can contribute to everybody’s overall happiness.

OP, for your whole life it is likely that you have been told this fallacy that one person must fulfill all of your needs, and that as your Dom’s submissive you must fulfill all of their needs. You didn’t talk too much about how your Dom talked with you about their other partner. I would suggest that you talk openly and with vulnerability to him about your feelings and see if he can help you feel better and more confident about what it is that you bring to him. You don’t have to be poly for you to love your Dom, but forcing them to lie to you and tell you that they are only attracted to you will surely bring about the end.

Polyamory allows partners to breathe within relationships. For it to work, in a society that’s been built around the concept of “you are mine and mine only,” it must include openness between all participants as well as “compersion.” Compersion is the concept that what you care about is the happiness and joy of your partner and their partners, not a selfish ownership concept which holds that because you are in a relationship, you are owed some form of limits on your partner’s joy.

I suggest, before you get too wrapped up in the concept that your Dom must derive everything from only you, that you read some of the books that are available about polyamory. It may ease your transition. If you are too stuck on monamory, then perhaps the other posters are right, perhaps it is time to walk away from your loving relationship and see if you can find the mythical someone who will fulfill 100% of the needs you have. I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female){N/a} • Oct 8, 2019

@HardSMac,
Although I lean poly personally myself, as you do, I have a hard time with the stance you've presented here. You are entitled to your own opinion, but attacking the belief of a large population of folks, even kinky ones, with the idea that their preference is 'unnatural', a 'fallacy', and requires lying to a partner about being fulfilled and is soul sucking is blatantly wrong. Mono may not float your boat but it unequivocally works for some folks, just like poly works for us. Insinuating the OP doesn't really understand herself or just needs to learn to let go and accept the natural order of things is disrespectful to her preferences and stinks strongly of the 'I am Dom, I know everything' flavor of Dominance, not really the most attractive of appearances.

I understand and don't necessarily disagree with your assertation that she doesn't need to automatically chuck the relationship. Some deep convo with her poly Dom would be the best place to start. Not because she's being just a silly ol monogamous girl who needs to grow up and accept the natural order of things though, but because the two of them obviously care about one another. It's always sad to see a good relationship end and that may, or may not be, what is necessary here.

No Body​(dom male) • Oct 9, 2019

There is nothing wrong with you. My love and I are having the same problem. Almost. She has got in her head that I would fall in love with someone else and leave her. My problem is I won't have anyone in our house that I don't care for in some way. It is a strange idea to have a sub and not care for her. She wants to have a sub but someone she can just play with. So your not alone in your feelings. I told her we would out any idea of anyone joining us till after collage. This will stop both of us from having another "talk" about it.

wynd​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Oct 10, 2019

@hardsmac

I am going to second some of schrodingers dinosaur sentiment.

Your statements defending polyamory as being truly the right way and denouncing monogamists are just plain bull. I’ve called bull on this type of argument with an ex who tried to defend/justify his needs by making similar statements.

Everyone has the right to live their lives and to have whatever type of relationship they need to to be happy and fulfilled.

To be successful inside a poly relationship you have to be secure in yourself and you have to be open and sometimes brutally honest with all parties.

I have been in several poly and open relationships over the years even though I personally identify as monogamous.


If/when I am with someone I only desire them, I only want to be of service to them. I am wholly devoted to them. Should I find master right and ride off into the sunset I could happily live the rest of my life only with them.

I also know and accept that not everyone is like me and that’s ok. I know that some just need variety in their life and as long as everything is done very openly and honestly with all partners it’s not anyone’s place to judge.

I think that the OP needs to work on learning and believing her self worth. From her post and comments it appears that they both want to make things work and they are trying figure out how.

Sometimes having rules and boundaries set up at first. The biggest thing imho is whether he wants a more polyamory where all parties are involved with each other or would he be ok with not having her not being involved. She should decide on how much she wants to know or not know. Go slow and build on it. It could be that the OP may end up discovering that she too is poly.

The last open/poly relationship I was in was after me coming out of one that was seriously wrong.

I didn’t really want to deal with crazy ass bitches again ever and I told him the first time my crazy bitch radar went off I was done.

I said I needed him to tell me as soon as began talking to someone, I also needed him to tell said potential new one that I was primary early on and that I was not going to be going anywhere. I wanted to either see the email response or he could call her and I could listen to her response.

HE chose to take it a bit further and gave me full veto power on his any of his choices at any time for any reason.

There was the first one who passed through this vetting process and seemed good, I was a little uneasy about her but I wasn’t sure if it was because of my last poly or if she was just saying all the right things. I told him, he listened.

After spending time with her, In various regular situations that we happened to be together helping friends I got the feeling she was trying to push me out. I told him he listened. I gave him examples of things I felt she was doing to me. He listened and then watched. He then started seeing some of the things I mentioned to him and agreed and he ended it. She didn’t take it well because pushing me out was her plan.

Over time he actually started to use my crazy radar to vet potential new partners as it was easier and quicker for him.

The point is I knew what I needed to go down that path With him and he had to reflect for himself if he could be fulfilled by having the parameters I needed. He could and he went the extra step.

We kept the lines of communication open at all times. I get the sense that the OP and her man already have a good foundation of this started.

Master C's toy​(sub female){Chevy} • Oct 14, 2019

Although I may be repeating some of the things that have already been said, one in particular is about your mental well-being. No one is worth the pain of dealing with emotional and mental hardship.

I am poly, through and through. Not a swinger nor do I go for open relationships. I need that bond between all that serve my Master. I have been poly since I was 22...making that a total of 30 years. Not continuous but have had several poly relationships where all involved bonded emotionally.

Being that a Dominant is poly and NEEDS to be he should not bring a monogamous submissive into the mixture of his life. It only causes pain and discomfort for many. In fact in your case I don't believe he is truly poly because in the poly lifestyle that I've lived and witnessed over the years no self respecting poly Dominant would bring a monogamous submissive into his life unless he is absolutely sure she can handle the situation and want to be part of the "family". It is cruel of a Dominant to expect the monogamous person to accept the others in his/her life if she doesn't want poly.

I've seen monogamous D/s couples try poly and end up ruining a perfectly good monogamous D/s relationship. AND I've seen poly people try monogamy as well, and didn't work so they went back to poly.

Each relationship has it's hardships and each who are involved need to be accepting and happy to accept, in order for it to eventually work in the long run.

You shouldn't be with a Poly Dom if you are monogamous, no matter how much you love him. I couldn't be with a monogamous Dom because I need more than one person to love.