Talk to your organizers

Talk to your organizers

MasterBear​(other butch) • Sep 29, 2019

Hello all !!


I was going to write this as a blog and then I thought
"let's do this is a forum and see what happens".


I love organizing events. I really do! Whether it's a monthly pay party, weekend event, or a class I love all of it.


We had a play party two weeks ago. Today I get my second concern that somebody came to somebody because they saw something about somebody else 2 weeks ago.


Now what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

ARGGGHHH....


So :
The first thing that I've done is create a new rule about responsible reporting.

The second thing that I did is track down the complainers D type and had a conversation. One of the things I asked them was "had I done something that made reporting to me not welcome?" They said no. I was so relieved.

The third thing that I'm going to be doing is posting a new sign or two in the dungeon.


When the complainer was asked why they didn't come to me directly they said , and I shit you not,
"I don't want to be a snitch."
And I'm thinking " a gossip is better?"


Talk to your organizers. We cannot be everywhere at once. We cannot do everything at once.

If you don't talk to us we can't help you. We cannot resolve the problem. And we can't even do organizational changes that maybe need to happen.


If you don't feel comfortable talking to the organizer shoot out a text or an email the next day. Or try and speak with somebody who knows the organizer.


But do you understand this. If you see something and you don't report it then you are just as culpable here.

Speak up. Speak.out.

Have you had something happen and not reported it? Why?

HGB​(sub female){Scottish M} • Oct 6, 2019

I feel silence is just as bad as the offense. Hopefully that never happens again.
I've never seen anything happen so not been in the position. And hope I never am.

Bunnie • Oct 6, 2019

“Have you had something happen and not reported it? Why?”

I have, yes.

Why didn’t I report? A few reasons...
I was scared. I was new. I was in unfamiliar territory with many unfamiliar faces. I was worried I wouldn’t be believed. I wondered if it was an overreaction... some people have a way of violating that is done in such a subtle way that if it’s called out they can deny it because it’s so murky... which can even lead the victim to questioning the validity of their potential complaint.

It’s such a difficult situation. Those who are more established within these communities want to protect people and prevent these things from happening. The problem is that everything about newbies... which are all perfectly natural characteristics and behaviours... make it very difficult. The excited, naive, trusting, unsure, overwhelming need to please, desperation to fit in/receive validation, characteristics not only make newbies a target... it makes them highly likely to suffer in silence as well.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 6, 2019

Thank you so much !


Would there have been anything that the organizer could have done to change this?

The Captain​(dom male) • Oct 6, 2019

I was only a monitor a few times at a play event and it really was something that I took very seriously, just because I wanted to ensure that no one had to go through something as Bunnie did in her posting.

I came up with support, knowledge, and experience, so it made me cringe to even think of anyone taking advantage of someone just entering into the lifestyle. For all the guys who say that they have come across a 'broken' lady, often those behaviours can be brought back to that persons introduction into BDSM. So anything to prevent that fact is great news.

Well done OP!

Bunnie • Oct 6, 2019

@ MasterBear,

I understand why you ask, and I value that you’re wanting to find ways to better yourself in that role. However, that’s a question I can’t answer. There were so many factors at play that made me decide that was the best option at that time.

Like they say... you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

I had many people I could’ve approached who would’ve been very supportive and taken it very seriously, however my mindset at that time simply didn’t allow for me to choose that option.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Oct 7, 2019

I have social anxiety, which comes in many forms. For me, I wouldn’t have a problem going to a play party with my Sir (have done this a few times now) but would feel VERY uncomfortable if I had to interact with anyone there that I didn’t know fairly well. This anxiety is increased 10-fold if the interaction is confrontational, so approaching an organizer and telling them about something unpleasant is something I just wouldn’t do (unless Sir ordered me to or I was genuinely scared for someone else’s immediate safety).

My suggestions will seem silly or juvenile to anyone who doesn’t have social anxiety but I believe its a fairly common thing for submissive types. Maybe put a suggestion/tip box with note cards and pencils by the door. This allows anonymous complaints/reports to be made. Another suggestion is making sure all members have access to your/the club’s email address (give it them when they sign up and post it on a sign at the front desk). This allows people to contact you later with the added comfort of being behind their computer screen in the safety of their home.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 7, 2019

I get it from a newbie perspective, the very last thing you want to do in a new group of any kind is to draw potentially negative attention toward yourself. Sadly, more often than not the new person just vanishes and moves on instead.

Oh ... and @bunnie - I want to thank you for having Desiderata in your profile pics, I had that on a wall plaque many years ago, and lost it somewhere in the moves since. I had forgotten all about it, but it is now on a new order and headed toward my home again!

~K~

Zedland​(dom male) • Oct 7, 2019

Informing on others is hard for most people to do. Especially as others have pointed out when things exist in a gray area. Usually I encourage a pre-scene speech where the house rules are laid out carefully and clearly for all to understand. If people know something is actually a violation they were be encourage to address such things. I've also noticed that people are more likely to share things they've noticed with someone who is less intimidating than your average Dom, like a non-threatening sub who has your ear.

Bunnie • Oct 7, 2019

@ IowaDom,

You’re welcome