Routines

Routines

Jolene​(sub female){PapaBear} • Oct 19, 2019

I have high stress people in my life who are all together unavoidable. I find this oftentimes sours my mood and shatters my intimate, sensual, mindset. Occasionally, physical touch and intentional words can break me of those pesky distractions, but more often they run in the back of my mind preventing me from engaging fully with my husband. I hate this. I want to be completely present with him when we're together.

We've discussed the possibility of a "before" routine. A series of things I can do when instructed to help focus my thoughts and ready my mind and body, but we've found it difficult to come up with ideas. Does anyone else request this of their sub and if so, what do your routines consist of?

Many thanks,
-Jo

Duke Montefort​(dom male) • Oct 19, 2019

There are several styles to a form of meditation or mind focus. I use a rosary. Some use Buddhist prayer beads. Another was is to light a candle scented or otherwise. You stare into the flame and try to think of nothing at all. Now this is difficult, and takes practice. You need to do it at least once a week. This is a method of thought control. Experts in shaolin monasteries use this a preliminary practice until they move into the hard stuff. It also helps if your husband does this with you.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 19, 2019

I cant meditate.
Tried and failed through most of my life.

I would consider
1) sexting the day of play
2) routine would be :
Bathe with a special soap that your D type picks
When done , if it is plausable, kneel with head down and palms up
Present your collar

3) the putting on of the collar is incredibly significant
At that point you need to let everything go.
That is the tipping of the cart.
This is where you must refuse to let anything have a part of you except your D type.



If anything ---- the collar is the piece to put the ritual around.

Wiseonthree​(dom male) • Oct 19, 2019

Oh, yes sour moods have quite a way of affecting even the most consistent person you know. Sometimes , they know they are in a "Funk" and they won't show it, but it is definitely a funk. We all have those days, and certain people wear those modes on their sleeves, others keep them deep inside and hidden.

It may sound strange, but some good things that help focus your thoughts could be small tasks that are calming. Like writing or typing out poetry. Creative outlets like drawing, or even singing songs out loud.

Some other things might be doing homework, doing simple chores around the house, and perhaps just simply taking a nap.

And It's important to speak up when your mood is sour, tell him how you feel, I'm certain this is why you brought this question to the website: You both are on the same team and want to fix a problem. Glad to see he supports this outlet and communication.

Try to find out what gets you in the zone, trial and error is key. I'm certain you will find something that works.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2019

Jolene,

I am a big fan of mantras. This is a set of words that you repeat that speaks to the core of you - something you are, something you strive to be, something you want your dynamic to aim for. For some this might be a monologue to be repeated to yourself or to your Dom. It should be something personal, perhaps something they have written specifically for you.

A routine I like to use is an interactive routine I have with my girl. It is in 3 parts, which I think adds to the hypnotic feel of it, each part increasing in intensity. It is important to slow down with the mantra and let the emotions build up and sweep over you as you say it. You can take as long as you want and pause large gaps between each phrase. I am not going to share my own mantra as that is quite personal, but here is an example that I've knocked up in 5 minutes:

Why are you here? ................I am here for you, Sir

Who do you need to serve? ............I need to serve you, Sir

and how will you touch yourself?........I will touch myself in a manner and at a time of my Sir's choosing.

These sorts of things really get my dynamic into the right headspace. They can be whispered in public, spoken aloud in private, repeated again and again during a spanking, used to break the deadlock in a tense standoff, even used during sex itself when you are close to orgasm. Its very hot and its very personal; unique to the pairing. I think its a great way to get into the right head-space.

Carraway.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Oct 22, 2019

Something that works for us is rope. Not everyone plays with ropes so it’s not a solution for everyone, but for us it helps me to clear my mind and get into a certain mindset when Sir pulls out the ropes and starts tying. Sometimes I’m kneeling while he ties a collar and leash around my neck, or cuffs around my ankles or wrists. Sometimes he’ll tie a harness or tie my arms and legs into different positions. Sitting patiently while he ties gives me time to focus on him and our current situation and get into whatever mindset/mood he’s creating. If he’s tying a leash, I can get into a slave or pet mindset. If he’s tying a harness, I have time to prepare myself for suspension. If he’s tying something intricate to hold my legs or arms in a certain position, it allows my mind time to prepare for whatever scene is going to unfold. Just the act is sitting in the position he’s directed me into, being mostly silent and still, and just focusing on him while he focuses on me and the ropes gets my mind where it needs to be.

Bunnie • Oct 22, 2019

@ MasterBear,

I too have found the placing on of the collar to be of significance in creating that “here and now” mindset. And the “ceremonial process” beforehand is beautiful

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • Oct 22, 2019

Jolene,

Does bondage by itself help you to relax and let go of that stress? For some people just the act of being restricted and having the control be taken away from them will help them let go fo the days trouble, I believe that's why some people are partial to it. If that is the case, then as my kitten suggested, perhaps starting with a slow and deliberate tie may help you focus.

If bondage doesn't by itself do it for you perhaps a routine on his end where he helps you settle in to your sub mind set. Maybe all of your sessions start with the paddle or the belt for instance as a warmup, enough to get you focused on whatever may come next.

The routine might depend on what mood you are trying to achieve. If you aren't M/s or 24/7 D/s then maybe the answer is a glass of wine and the two of you talking about your day to help you let it go and focus. I would try some combination of any of the things suggested here and if after a while some things have kind of worked and others haven't worked at all you may have a good starting point and look into what works for you. If nothing has worked at all and you find it impossible to focus on things other than that stress then I would say you may want to evaluate ways to remove whatever that persistent stressor is and / or speak with a professional about ways to not carry it with you.

I hope that you find that routine / space you are looking for!

-JB

CapnRick​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2019

I'm with Master Bear and Bunnie on this one...
The instant you see the collar, you focus on knowing the most important person in your life is telling you his need to bond with you, however you both have worked out that bonding.

Even better is a ritual around collaring...Your Present Position, the bathing, the getting ready, the clearing of the mind, so that---

When that collar is fixed around your neck you will have schooled yourself that nothing and no one can be allowed to interfere with your focusing on serving...

If you can't do that, then perhaps you ought to refuse his collar, and risk his anger. And be reminded of who is most important for your mind to get clear on.

Best of good success to you ...

Jolene​(sub female){PapaBear} • Oct 23, 2019

I really appreciate every response I've been given and I want to sincerely thank each one of you for taking the time out to reply to my post and to do so with such clarity and vulnerability. Y'all have given us a considerable amount of ideas to experiment with. I'm particularly fond of a shared mantra, which is something we already practice and have success with during episodes of anxiety. It seems like the perfect place for us to start our trial and error process.

Thank you!
-Jo