Seeking feedback please

Seeking feedback please

Bunnie • Oct 16, 2017

Ok so I just recently went on a date with a vanilla guy. I have openly discussed my lifestyle orientation (submissive) with him and have made it very clear that I have no interest in a vanilla relationship. It took me a week to decide as to whether or not to go on the date.
A lot of what I’m struggling with is that he doesn’t identify as a Dom. He’s into kink and seems open minded and communicates well, and he’s interested in the role of a Dom, however that’s my concern... that for him it might just be a role. I’m not looking for role play or kinky sex, I can have that with anyone. What I’m looking for is a D/s dynamic. So my (first) question is, is it something someone can learn? I kind of thought it was just who you are, because that’s how it feels for me, but on the other hand I did deny it for a long time, and I do still need to learn to be someone’s submissive... so is it the same for Doms? At times it seems he has it there and is maybe struggling with the way he was brought up as a man. It seems he has spent a long time “downsizing” himself to make people comfortable (he’s got a pretty solid build). Or am I just looking for things that aren’t there? And how do I know he’s not just saying he’s into it to please me?

Redtailedkitty • Oct 16, 2017

I certainly hope it can be learned. ?? Sir and I are both learning as we go. Neither of us naturally fit but the elements are there. I feel it can be a matter of choice. It will take more work and really having to dig deep and a lot more communication. Your date sounds interested and from what you say the elements might be there. If you like him maybe at the next date be more clear of what you are seeking and see if he’s willing to explore further, perhaps finding a mentor... Then from there if it’s something you are willing to explore together or if you truly want an established Dom. I think you’ll know if he’s just trying to please you after a few dates. He won’t be able to maintain it 24/7. Maybe in the bedroom if he’s imaginative. ? just my thoughts.

TheEdge​(other male) • Oct 16, 2017

I’m just gonna talk from experience. Being kinky as you know is totally different from the lifestyle. You might meet somebody and let them know about the lifestyle but because they haven’t been in it, the answers that they give you is mostly based on assumptions. In some cases they might think that that they like the idea of being a Dom. But when they get into the lifestyle and dig deep, they might realize that they are a sub. Then what will happen is you are in a relationship with someone who thought they could be a Dom but they are naturally a sub. I thought I was a Dom based on my day to day life. I’m very Dominant at my job,in the supermarket etc but I realized that I am a sub once I got into the lifestyle and got to know me better yada yada... when you are in a relationship with some one for a while because you thought they could meet your needs and you could meet their but it turns out that your needs are too similar, it’s a bitch cause now you have spent sometime with this person and may or may not developed some feeling towards them.And as a sub once you realize that your partner is naturally a sub but they Dom because of you, all the excitement vanishes.speaking for myself ofcourse. So my feed back is : unfortunately it takes a while to get to know someone and for that someone to get to know themselves once introduced to the lifestyle. The last thing you want to do is be in a relationship that you thought was gonna turn out they way you want it and after couple of years you realize it’s never gonna happen. So take your time maybe stay friends with them at the same time help them with the lifestyle and when you are sure that they know what the fuck is going on and they are what they say they are, then get into it with them.

Bunnie • Oct 16, 2017

Thank you Pey, this is exactly my fear because I have had that happen already.

Tessallia​(sub male) • Oct 17, 2017

I agree with pet and I would like to add that reading about the lifestyle ( specifically non fiction, like self help books.) It really helped me to understand a lot about the dynamics of these relationships. That being said I haven't been in one yet (tho I very much want to be in one). I found it repeated every where that the two biggest things were communication and trust. So my best recommendation would be to talk with him about your concerns and go through some reading material to help build up a knowledge base for him so he'll have a better understanding of what you want and expect, that way he can more accurately answer your questions. Even with that though you will still need to build up a strong level of trust that he can be a dom, because if you don't have that trust you will never be comfortable submitting to him. I hope this helps

Tessallia​(sub male) • Oct 17, 2017

Also the book conquer me by Katie cunnigham was very good and discussed the dynamics of a dominance and submission relationships very in depth, but its written from the submissive point of view and is mostly about submissive. Still it should be helpful. You might also benefit from researching books about dominating to read with him. Its great to have a wide knowledge base so even if this relationship doesn't work out you won't have wasted your knowledge and it will serve you well when you do find a dom. Again hope this helps

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Oct 17, 2017

depending what's your expectation, being a Dom is not an easy task. It involved a lots, from psychology to the physic aspect. Its good you have a good comms with him but you will end up being disappointed and frustated because he cant read your needs. Whats the point to have a Dom if you have to explain him at every session what you want and how much you wanted it. Also how to handle the after care issues.

Villanelle​(staff) • Oct 17, 2017

I think your partner can learn it in a service sense. The service top/bottom thing works for some, since, hey, we all do things for people we care about without an aspect of self interest from time to time, right? But can you learn to feel the deep desire to dominate or submit? I don't think so. But plenty of people find it's something they enjoy if they are introduced to the idea. So maybe there is a spark there you can fan in to a fire..or maybe not. Only one way to find out

One cautionary note...I have had MANY people express a deep curiousity about my interest in BDSM and femdom only to find it was nothing more than that. And unfortunately I've also had people make some not very nice judgments about me after taking advantage of my openness about what really is a private matter. Sometimes when we hang out a lot with other kinky people we forget how shocking and even abhorrent the whole idea can be to others.

TheEdge​(other male) • Oct 17, 2017

“Sometimes when we hang out a lot with other kinky people we forget how shocking and even abhorrent the whole idea can be to others.”

This reminded me of all the people I freaked out because out of no where I started talking about the lifestyle and I thought it was normal and they were going to have a lot to talk about only to see them get all red and break the eye contact and trying to runaway from the subject hahahaha.

Bunnie • Oct 18, 2017

Thank you for your feedback everyone. I’ve decided to let it go. It’s great if it’s a journey that he realises he wants to make, however I have realised that it’s one he needs to make without me. I don’t want to feel like I’m potentially asking someone to be something that they’re not, and I don’t have enough experience myself to be someone’s guide. And like I said to a friend of mine recently... I’m tired of buying clothes that don’t quite fit right. Lol maybe a bad analogy but true. So once again, thank you all for the input, it’s much appreciated.