Am I on the right path?

Am I on the right path?

Chocolate Mistress​(dom female) • Dec 4, 2019

I dont know if any other Dommes ever go through this or have experience, which I would love to hear and learn from.

I unfortunately had to uncollar my slave recently as I felt that we were great as a vanilla couple but not compatible in a Ds dynamic. My sub had more experience than I had in the BDSM lifestyle and felt he needed a more experienced Domme, which he did not communicate with me openly instead, he would just ignore my requests and our relationship fell apart.

This has left me with a very sour taste in my mouth, but also I would like to learn from this experience for my future sub. I have read countless blogs and visited various sites, but I dare to ask how do I begin looking again how do I know if I am on the right path.

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Dec 5, 2019

Perhaps getting out in the community would be helpful. Start with a local munch. Get to know people. Attend a dungeon, classes or events. You’d gain a ton of knowledge and their might be an opportunity to find a mentor. Putting your search on hold while you grow more in the lifestyle is a good thing for you and for anyone that you might play with in the future.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 9, 2019

As a new Dom it is very easy to be manipulated and undermined. There is a distinct difference between people who serve with absolute joy, and for the joy of serving. There are also people who serve with the expectation that they're going to be getting something out of that. Or who serve with the intent of undermining and emotionally manipulating their D type.

They are two completely different experiences.


When I would teach the finding your inner dominant class I would use my beloved for new Dom's that were struggling with the concept of being dominant in a comfortable and healthy way. And the reason I did that is because my beloved creates an air of security when she's in her service.


I am very glad to hear that you un collared this person instead of trying to make them be something they aren't. When you find an s type that gives with all they are you will feel the difference. It is completely empowering. But just know that there are many others out there who serve to the detriment of the D type.

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Dec 22, 2019

There's this interesting line to walk as a dominant, I find. On the one hand, I try to respecting boundaries, safewords, limits, and negotiations. On the other hand, I try to stay aware of the someone seems to be using those to manipulate the situation and me rather than engage in necessary self-care. I'm not a mind-reader, though, so it's difficult to know which is which either as a new dominant or when dealing with a new submissive partner for the first few times.

One could be a "strict" dominant and just say, "No limits, no safewords - my way or the highway", but such people are often suspected of being predators in my local kink community. Similarly, a "no limits" slave or submissive is generally looked at someone who is either very naive or someone who is looking to manipulate a dominant through guilt or ensnare a dominant into a lawsuit.

It comes down to learning, experience, and eventually building up your instincts. That last bit is tricky, because in my experience instinct is a quiet, "Um, what was that?" voice that can easily be trumped by louder voices attempting to excuse or justify the behavior that was experienced. But wow, once I felt that I could trust my instincts, I was ended up with less unnecessary drama in my life.

Miki • Dec 25, 2019

That the guy did not communicate and simply ignored your requests tells me he's not on the "right" path of being a full time Sub. Either he was trying to goad you into being more physically dominating or his heart wasn't in "it".

That you both made a good "vanilla" couple is an interesting note: Maybe due to his longer experience in BDSM he was tiring of it? Boiled down, it is kind of a game. No one can actually have or be a slave, sexual or otherwise so it's all by consent.. "role-play acting" if you will.

The world may never know because he didn't communicate. For that he gets my "What A Slime!" award.

What he did is kryptonite for all relationships.

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Dec 25, 2019

i would not allow the experience you described weigh on you too much. It is good you are trying to reflect and learn from the experience. We all have our own unique needs and desires. You guys were unable to find enough common desires to make it work.

I do want to say, as someone who has been on both sides of the paddle, a sub who does not comply and provides little or no understanding of why to you could possible be someone who is not completely submissive. He might have been more interested in satisfying his needs and not yours.

I read your profile and you sound like someone who is pretty open and likely able to listen and watch your subs reaction to things and modify either your approach for him or find ways to help him overcome his hesitations.

To me, someone who truley wants to surrender wants to please you and should be not only following direction but learning about what pleases you and trying to anticipate and satisfy you in as many ways as they know. You might want to have prospective subs write a few essays about why they want to submit and what it means to them to submit. Don't agree to take someone until you feel what they seek and what you need are compatible. Make them work to show you their need for your control and guidance. As a sub, I learned it needed to be about my Dom and I learned by showing my devotion i was able to get what i needed since my Don saw by my deeds i was committed to her pleasure.

i would have anyone you are considering start an online daily journal which you can review as needed so hopefully you can see what they are thinking about and what works or not for them. i know some would say that should wait until an agreement is made, but I see no reason to rush into anything as important as finding the right sub for you.

Even if you are developing your own Dom voice, you can make sure you feel you have someone ready to surrender who seems to be what you want. Take your time....